Without Nutella and Elmo
"Edward no! It's not nice to bite mailmen!" Bella scolded at Edward, her rescue vampire, who was now about to bite the recently unconscious mailman. Edward didn't listen to her, he was distracted by a very attractive woman. He ran on his hands and feet at the girl, who shrieked in utter astonishment.
"I knew I should have bought the shock collar!" Bella explained to the woman Edward had chased after. She ask her dad, Charlie, for help, but he had yet to master opening and closing doors. So Bella chased after the rogue vampire that was Edward, leash in hand. She tackled him, put the leash around his neck, and went back to the house. After she threw the body of the mailman away, she closed the door. Edward was crying in the next room over. But he was being bad, so she banged on the door and told him to shut up.
Bella sighed and thought about how tragic her life was. Her laundry should be done by now. She opened the dryer door and put the sparkly clothes into the basket. That's when she noticed the blood stain on Edward's shirt.
"This looks like a job for Oxyclean!" said an ominous voice. It was Billy Maize who did the commercials. He gave Bella a big bottle of Oxyclean, which she used to get rid of the blood. It worked like a charm.
She went to tell Edward, who was busy scratching the fleas out of his ears, the good news.
"Edward, here boy!" Bella said. Edward bounded over happily. She put the shirt over his disgusting torso.
"That's better," she said.
Edward had his tongue hanging out. He ran in a circle, jumping up and down. Then he was wagging his tail and drooling. Gross! Bella thought.
"Good boy, Edward!" she said, instead rubbing under his chin. "We going to see Uncle Jacob? Yes we are!"
From the trash can, the mailman (who must not have been as dead as she though) moaned.
Suddenly Jacob jumped onto the dead mailman's body and barbequed him. When Bella and Edward came out, he beckoned them over. "Join me," he said happily. Edward didn't like Jacob and he was a vegetarian too. Edward hissed at Jacob.
Jacob growled back and looked at Bella and smiled.
Bella sighed. "You silly boys! Why do you always fight?"
Edward cocked his head, his small brain not understanding. Jacob shrugged.
"We live in a nonexistent place in the middle of nowhere, what else are we supposed to do?"
"Good point." Bella said.
So they all ate the mailman. (He went well with the BBQ sauce.) Bella choked on one of his rib bones and died. Charlie walked into a door and went into a coma, and Jacob and Edward ate each other. He was sparkly.
The End