A/N: Happy belated Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/any holiday I might have neglected to mention! Here's a Puckleberry oneshot to celebrate.
"This is all your fault."
"My fault! How on Earth is this my fault!"
"You're the one who tripped and got us caught. So yeah, all your fault."
"Might I remind you it was your asinine idea to go out there in the first place and then run from law enforcement? This is definitely your fault."
"Nope, still not my fault."
"And how is that?"
"Because I'm not the one who started screaming like a little pansy and alerted half the county we were out there."
"It was pitch dark and I thought I stepped on a snake!"
"And was it a snake? No. It was a stick."
"Well I didn't know that! I thought I was about to be bitten and poisoned by a dastardly creature."
"Daster-what? Use some smaller words dude. You sound like you swallowed a dictionary."
"I. Am not. A dude. Do you have any inkling as to what that word actually means?"
"Nope." He throws one of his shit-eating grins her way.
"Illiterate Neanderthal."
"Would the two of you shut up!" Rachel nearly jumps a foot in the air at the loud and angry voice of one of Lima's police officers. He was the stereotypical police officer; small town lifer with an obvious penchant for doughnuts. "You both are in for the night so I suggest you get some shut eye or be civil until morning."
"Yes, of course officer," squeaks Rachel. Puck just rolls his eyes and scoffs.
"Shut it, boy." Puck gives the officer a death stare. Damn night. Damn heat wave in the middle of winter. Damn winter break, where fucking everybody left on vacations. Goddamn Rachel fucking Berry.
After another glare in their direction, the officer walks away from the cell. Rachel turns to Puck abruptly and gives him the Rachel Berry crazy stare. Although it was slightly less intimidating and even more hot than usual given the fact that she looked like a mess; she had on these tiny ass shorts and his McKinley High Football sweatshirt. Her feet were dirty because she had no shoes on. (They had gotten lost somewhere in Mr. O'Ryan's field while running from the psychotic man-eating cow) Heck, he wasn't much better. The bottoms of his jeans and his sneakers were covered in mud and his shirt had a chunk ripped out of it. Puck sighs. This was not the way he had planned on spending his night. Hell, it wasn't the way he had planned on spending his break. All he had wanted was just to chill: play a little Call of Duty with Finn, bang Santana every other day, and play his guitar. Easy right? Turns out, not so much.
Finn left with Kurt and their parents to go on a family honeymoon in Florida. (Who the hell takes their kids with them on their honeymoon anyway? That's just creepy.) Santana and Brittany's parents took them to Santa Claus, Indiana. (Brit had found the place looking on Google Earth to see if she could see Santa's workshop at the North Pole and had basically pulled out every trick in the book to get her parents and Santana's to agree. Santana wasn't a problem since Brit had her wrapped around her pinky, literally, and San turned into marshmallow goo when Brit wanted something. Plus the two had been spending less time together since Artie came along.)
Even all the other gleeks were out of town. Quinn was visiting her sister and brother-in-law in Oregon. Artie was in Massachusetts with his family. Mercedes went to Georgia to visit her Aunt. Mike and Tina's families went to Hawaii because apparently there's a huge Asian-American population there and their parents decided that the needed more exposure to Asian people or some shit. Even that Sam kid went to Michigan to see his other big-mouthed cousins. He was stuck in Lima, Ohio by himself.
Or at least he had thought so for the first two days.
Then he finds out from his mother, after he's whined for the zillionth time that he was bored, that "that adorable, Jewish Berry girl is still home. Go see what she's up to." And the Jewish mother translation was more like "Your future Jewish bride is at home. Go woo her, my son. Marry her, and then make non-gentile babies!" Or at least that's Puck's translation. He loved the woman, but goddamn was she batshit crazy.
So after about two hours of doing nothing he went to see her. It wasn't like she had anything going on right? The girl was an outcast at school since the whole break-up (not that she wasn't when her and Finn were still together anyway) and anyone he could remotely seeing her hang with was already out of town.
He showed up at about noon, got out of his truck, and nearly turned straight back around.
The Berry yard is absolutely covered in Hanukkah and other decorations. Lights are literally covering every inch of the house, roof, and trees, two giant cutouts of a dreidel and Star of David are stuck in the front yard, the roof displays a light up sign reading "Happy Holidays from the Berry's!" with a little light up Star of David after their last name (wonder who added that little feature?), and a group of what looks like tiny automated woodland animals are swaying back and forth while a speaker blares out a medley of holiday songs (all personally sung by Berry herself, he gathers) all over the yard.
Puck never wanted anything more in this life than to bolt back to his truck and peal out of that joint. He used to vandalize houses like this. (In fact, he's pretty sure he's fucked up this house more than once)
So it's a real bummer when Berry spots him through the front window as he's making his way back to his truck.
"Noah!" Puck cringes. Now he had to at least talk to her. If it ever got back to his mother that he cut and run without at least saying "hi" he'd be a dead man.
"Noah!" she yelled again. She runs down her driveway toward him with a slightly confused, but huge smile on her face and while wearing an apron with kittens playing with snowflakes on it over a pair of shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt. "What are you doing here?"
What was he doing there? Oh, that's right. All of his fucktard friends left him alone in this fucking hellhole of a town.
"Uh, nothing. I was just driving around and figured I'd see if you were home."
"Oh! I'm baking Hanukkah cookies! Just because Christmas is the major holiday in the Midwest and has been over for awhile doesn't mean I can't represent our bright and wonderful holiday about our people's heritage now." She's just so happy. How in the hell is she this perky? Dear God he has to get out of here.
"Yeah… bye." He turns to leave but a tiny voice stops him.
"Oh… Okay. Goodbye, Noah. Happy Hanukkah!" He shouldn't have fucking turned around. If he'd just thrown a wave over his shoulder all would right with the world. Un-fucking-fortunately, he looked back at her. And goddamnit, she looked so pathetic and sad; he swore he could see her lower lip quiver. That look would have made Hitler want to give her a fucking high five to cheer her up. He sighs. Well, it wasn't like he wasn't going to be doing anything productive at home.
"Baking huh?"
He's positive her squeal could be heard three states away.
"Come on, come on, come on! I just started on the miniature Menorahs!" she chirped while dragging him into her house. This is why he isn't nice to anybody. It always comes back to bite him in the ass.
He could smell the baked goods as soon as he got through the door. Damn. Maybe this wasn't going to be so horrible. After all, those 'I'm sorry' cookies she made last year were epic.
"Take off your shoes please. I just waxed the floors." Then she bounced (seriously) into the kitchen where all the amazing smells were coming from. Damn, her ass looked good in those shorts.
Now, it wasn't like he'd never been in Berry's house before. He'd been there when they had they were together briefly last year, when she'd convinced him into doing that stupid ass music video, and a couple weeks ago when they were making out, but those times were mainly just her bedroom. He's definitely not complaining about that or anything, but he never really realized how fucking huge this place is. It's not like a mansion or anything but damn. You could probably fit his mom's, sister's, and his rooms into their fucking living room and hallway.
Of course, every square inch of space is decorated with tinsel and lights here too. Even the pictures of Berry through her kid years were festive! Berry opening Hanukkah presents. Berry and her family saying the Brachot together. The Berry clan eating sufganiyot together. He starts to wonder if she has a rotation schedule for year round.
"Noah? Where are you?" She walked into the living room. "Oh, I see you've found the family photos."
"Uh, yeah. Nice decorations." Her smile could probably blind someone if they stared at it too long. It was like the fucking sun.
"Thank you! I do all the decorating since Dad and Daddy are so busy."
"All of it? Like, even all the shit outside?" She frowned.
"Noah, language like that is vulgar and reflects a low intelligence in the user and I would prefer it if you did not use it in my home." He rolls his eyes. Great now he's gonna get a lecture on his vocabulary. "You're a smart, handsome young man, why would you want people to think less of you by choosing to use improper wording?"
"So you think I'm hot?" he said as a smirk worked its way across his face.
"Ugh. Why do I even bother? Come on, we have cookies to bake." She grabbed his hand again and yanked him toward her kitchen (also decorated to death). "Oh, and the answer is yes by the way."
"What?"
"I did all the decorating by myself."
"Even all that on the roof? Damn, Berry. Do you have a death wish or something?" He can't get over the fact that this little five foot nothing girl put all that crap up there and lived.
"Language, Noah. And no, I am in perfect mental health."
"Where the heck are your dads? How come they didn't help you?" She looked away and started cracking eggs into a bowl of batter.
"As I said before, Dad and Daddy are both very busy so the chore of decorating falls to me."
"Well next time call me or something. You're gonna break your neck if you're up there scrambling around on that roof by yourself." He had no idea why he said this. They aren't even friends. The only reason he came over there was because the only other choice was his kid sister and her Barbies. Also, he absolutely doesn't think the way she smiled a little at his last comment is cute at all. He doesn't use words like cute. That's pussy bitch stuff.
"Noah, hand me the sugar please."
The baking thing wasn't so bad. Really. He's totally serious.
Okay, so he didn't actually bake anything since Berry wouldn't let him anywhere near the ingredients after he accidentally told her about the bake sale cupcakes. ("Noah! Using illegal substances on our fellow classmates for monetary gain is reckless and unethical blah, blah, blah…") So he sat there and ate the batter while she baked and more homemade holiday music played in the background. He mocked her, she bitched back. It felt… well… normal. Especially after he wiped icing in her hair and she stormed out. She turns a very interesting shade of red-ish purple when she's pissed. He thinks it might be his new favorite color.
He has also made it his new mission to get her to cuss. It's totally funny to watch her get so frustrated that he half expects smoke to blow out her ears and he knows he'll get her to do it eventually.
After all the cookies cooled, she took out a bunch of tins and wax paper and basically ordered him to help her.
"Why the fuck are we doing this, Berry?" She huffs, finally giving up on trying to stop his cussing.
"I have a name, Noah. And because these are not for us, I take them to the hospital's children's ward every year."
"Wait. I helped you all afternoon to bake these damn things and I don't get to eat them?" She glares but it's only at half of it's usual psycho-power. Baking must mellow her out.
"Noah, giving back is what this season is all about. Besides, it will look great in my autobiography about my life after I'm a famous Broadway star. Give me a more philanthropic vibe." She's obviously getting lost in her dreams and goals and shit because she didn't see him sneak another two cookies. (Shut up, they taste like a mix of sex and heaven)
"Do you do anything fun, Berry?"
"Excuse me? I think helping those in need is a very rewarding experience. One, which our self-absorbed society should partake in more often."
"Says the girl doing it for a career boost." She huffs again and starts to turn a shade of that red-ish purple she did earlier. He decides to cut off her tirade before she starts. "Look giving back is cool and all but do you ever do anything fun? Ya know, something that has no purpose other than that it's fucking awesome?"
She didn't say anything.
"Holy shit. You do nothing fun!"
"Yes I do! Singing and dancing is fun! It also keeps me in peak performance con-"'
"No, no, no Berry. That's stuff you're doing to further your Broadway shit. I'm talking about stupid high school shit like TPing or cow tipping. Haven't you ever done stuff like that?" She still says nothing. "Shit Berry, that's kind of pathetic. No wonder Hudson dumped you." Shit, shit, shit. That totally didn't mean for that to come out of his mouth. Her head snaps up and she glares at him. Damn, it's back to full psycho-power.
"It's pathetic for me to be driven and not want to waste my time doing meaningless and arbitrary activities? It's pathetic that I have something that I'm passionate about? So what if I've never thrown toilet paper on someone's house? That does not mean I made a horrible girlfriend! I will not be spoken to like this in my own home. Get out." Crap.
"Damnit, Berry. You know I di-"
"I said. Get. Out." Her voice was doing this really low and slightly freaky thing and he starts to get a little worried about the fact that they're in a kitchen and there are several things in here that could cause him some potentially serious bodily harm. Like the block of incredibly sharp knives she has less than a foot away from her right hand, for example.
"Okay, okay. Easy Berry. I'm leaving alright?" He slowly backed away from her with his hands up in front of him. "Friggin' psycho…" he mumbles under his breath. He's almost worried to turn his back on her but he does it anyway. Dumbass move.
That's how ended up driving home with the left over batter in his 'hawk and all over his shirt and a bruise on the back of his head shaped like a Menorah. What the fuck was her problem? He was just trying to be honest! Chick needed to lighten up. All that stress on a normal sized person isn't healthy and being that she's like a quarter the size of a normal human being, she must be about ready to explode.
Once he gets home, he finds that he's by himself. His Ma and the brat went out to dinner without him because she "figured that wonderful, Jewish Rachel Berry girl would keep him occupied and fed." Occupied? How did she think Berry was going to keep him occ- shit. His mother totally wants him to have sex with Berry. God his mother is nuts. He thinks her and Berry would get along a little too well together, especially since they have all that crazy in common.
It's only after he's washing the batter out of his hair that he feels a little bad about what he said. Damn, he called her pathetic, psycho, and said it was her personality that caused her and Hudson's break-up. Shit, he's lucky she didn't make him a eunuch on the spot. Then he realizes he better make this up to her before word gets back to his Ma and she actually does make him a eunuch. (And it's totally not because he felt like a total douche and wanted to fix things with her because she'd clawed her way into his life with her cookies, Broadway musicals, and gold stars. It wasn't.) But how?
Then it hit him.
Oh, this was gonna be fucking epic.
*plink*….*plink plink*….*plink*
She finally opens the damn window and looks down at Puck, who's been throwing the rocks.
"Noah? What are you doing here? It's nearly midnight." She looks like she's been asleep and isn't too happy about being woken up by him. Oh well.
"Come on, Berry. We haven't got all night."
"Excuse me? What don't we have time for? I adhere to a strict sleep schedule and you are absolutely throwing it off track."
"Berry, get down here. We have shit to do." She huffs.
"No, Noah. Besides, why would you want to spend time with a psycho such as myself? Aren't I too pathetic for you to hang out with, I mean at least my ex-boyfriend was right?" Shit. He knew she was going to be difficult but now she's being seriously impossible.
"Damnit. I'm trying to make up for what I said to you, alright? So get your perky little ass down here so I can fix it." She's quiet at that and just kinda looks at him. Then she shuts her window. Shit. Maybe he shouldn't have added that comment about her ass.
As he's making his way back to his truck he hears a door open and he looks back. Damn. She's wearing tiny blue shorts with snowflakes on them, a long sleeve white tee shirt, and a pair of boots. Her hair's falling in pieces around her face. In short, she looked like walking sex. Why the fuck did they ever break up? Oh, yeah. Finnocence and his white knight routine.
"What did you want, Noah?"
"I decided to give you a Hanukkah present." He looks rather pleased with himself.
"Noah, Hanukkah has been over for a while. And why do you need to give me this in the middle of the night?"
"Because you need the dark to do it, especially the first time."
"Excuse me? You think having intercourse with you will make up for what you said! Of all the-"
"What? No! Jeez, Berry. And people think my mind's always in the gutter…" She looks embarrassed. A bright red blush had started to make its way across her face.
"Oh…Then what did you mean? Because that statement was rather ambiguous and considering it was you who said it, I made a normally accurate assumption as to its actual meaning."
"Just… get in the truck. You'll see." He was incredibly excited about this. She was incredibly worried about this.
"Noah, I am not going anywhere with you until you tell me what brought you here at eleven o'clock at night on December the 24th. "
"Okay fine. Be a surprise ruiner. I'm going to give you the gift of normal teenager shit."
"….What?"
"Ya know, all the stuff we were talking about before you threw a fucking cookie cutter at me." He glares at her and she just smiles back at him. Bitch. "I'm going to take you to do all the things normal high schoolers do."
"Noah. For the last time. I am normal! Just because I'm focused on my future and don't partake in the asinine and ridiculous rituals of our peers does not mean I'm not normal!"
"No, it means you're missing out on everything and being a stick in the mud, Berry!" He decides to bring out the big guns. "Besides, what's going to happen when you get a role portraying a rebellious teenager? You won't have any experiences to draw from and you'll get cut. It's just a slippery slope from there and you end up doing community theater in New Jersey." She looks absolutely horrified at this. He so had her hook, line, and sinker. She was still debating whether or not to go, so he pulled his trump card. "Barbra Streisand would never let a career opportunity like this slip away."
She was in his truck in about three seconds.
"So what are we doing first?" she asks.
"First, we stock up on supplies. It's gonna be a long night."
After they hit the Pick-n-Save for slushies (both grape), various other snacks, and other supplies, he takes her to the high school.
"Noah, what are we doing here? The school is obviously closed for winter break, thus making this trespassing. We could get arrested!" He rolls his eyes.
"Chill short round, we're not going to get arrested. It's Christmas Eve for most of Lima. I highly doubt the overweight officers of Lima's crack police force are going to be on the prowl tonight." She sighs.
"Fine. What are we doing?"
"We're gonna to break into the school."
"What? Are you out of your mind? We can't do that! That's a felony!"
"Chill out, will you? It's no biggie. I've done it hundreds of times."
"Says the boy who was in a juvenile detention center! Just because that place was acceptable for you does not mean it is for me! I will not let you jeopardize my life, Puckerman!" He waits.
"Are you done now?" Her mouth falls open in outrage. "We're not going to get caught, alright? Since Figgins cut the school's budget, they don't have enough money to run the security systems during break. They never have. I do this every year, so calm yourself okay?" She still looks on the fence but he drags her to one of the windows anyway. After a few minutes of jiggling his pocket knife around in one of the windows it pops open and he hefts his midget inside (and got a great view of that ass) and then follows behind with his supplies.
Wait, his midget? He totally meant to say 'the.' Definitely not his. He does not claim Berry in any way, shape, or form. Nope.
They were in the choir room. Figures.
"Okay so we broke in, it is now checked off the list. Let's go." She started to make her way back to the window but he grabs her.
"Not so fast Berry. There's more to it." He goes over to the backpack that he brought in and pulls out a bottle of Jack and two holiday themed party cups.
"Drinking Noah? Really?"
"Absolutely, Berry. Drinking on school grounds is but one of many dumbass things teenagers do. So drink up." He hands her the first cup of booze and then pours one of his own. "Merry Christmas." He goes to take a swig but she stops him.
"Noah. One, we are Jewish, so Christmas has no merit here. And two, you cannot drink that. You are driving and I refuse to put myself and others at risk because of this quest of ours."
"Quest?"
"Oh, shut up. No drinking." He rolls his eyes.
"Fine. But you have to drink all of yours."
"…Fine." She downs the whole thing in one swig and then coughs until he's sure she's at least down one lung.
"Shit. That was impressive Berry. I don't know too many experienced drinkers who could've done what you just did."
"Is it…because…they had…the…presence of mind….not to?" She rasped out between coughs.
"Ha, you're shaping up to be a regular badass."
"Thank you… I think. So what's next?"
"Pranks." This was going to be fun.
"Pranks? Like whoopee cushions and tacks in the teacher's chair?"
"Uh… yeah, if you went to school in like the fifties. Nowaday's we're a little more, well, badass."
"I'm not so sure about this Noah…"
"Seriously? There's no one in the school that you want to get back at? Not even a little?"
"Well…"
"What about the Cheeri-ho's and the asshole jocks who slushie you? Don't you want to get them back for all the shit they've given you? Or, oh, I don't know… Mr. Schue?"
"He has been awfully harsh toward me lately… And he was rather disrespectful to us and our religion with all the Christmas songs."
"I know right? Come on. Let's go have some fun." They make their way to Mr. Schue's classroom with Noah's backpack.
"We're gonna mess with Schue, hardcore." Then he went into his backpack and pulls out a couple tubes of super glue. Oh this was gonna be good.
After hitting Schue, they made their way down to the locker rooms. This was where Puck found out exactly how bad this little pipsqueak of a girl could be. She was really pretty gifted in the ways of the badass. Girl had potential. That little dose of liquid awesome must have helped to loosen the pool cue that's stuck up her ass twenty-four seven. Total lightweight.
She wouldn't prank the other Glee clubbers even though, according to her, "they had never been very nice or appreciative of them or their incredible talents." (He totally agreed but he'd never actually tell her that.) Lastly, they got Finn, which, even though he basically had to force her, gave Rachel a sense of satisfaction she hadn't felt for quite some time. She starts talking as they're walking back toward the choir room.
"Noah…"
"What, Berry?"
"Why did you steal that ATM machine? I know I asked in my letters I wrote to you while you were at juvie, but I never got a reply to those or any of my questions." They end up back in the choir room. He looks at her a minute."Fine, you want an answer?" She nods. "I have no idea." She scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Seriously, Berry. I have no impulse control. Remember how I explained with the fire hydrant thing last year? I just don't have one."
"Huh, just like I don't have a- never mind."
"You don't have a what? C'mon, don't leave me hanging."
"Nope. Forget I said anything."
"Dude. Tell me." She still says nothing, so he starts poking her. "Ya know, I'm just going to keep bugging you unt-"
"I don't have a gag reflex okay?"
"Holy mother of fuck… You're shitting me right?" She shakes her head.
"Damn… You wouldn't want to demonstrate that particular gift wou-"
"Okay, so what comes after pranks?" She was so not subtly trying to change the subject. Whatever.
"Destruction of school property."
"No way, Noah. Absolutely not. I will not be party to furthering any more criminal activities."
"Oh come on Berry! It's not like I'm asking you to trash anything completely… just vandalize something."
"Like what? Carving my name into a desk?"
"That would work but I expect something, I don't know, more creative out of you." She had to have something better than that. She was Rachel fucking Berry! She never did anything half way. Apparently, she figured so too because she borrowed his pocketknife and told him to turn around. Girl had been doing shit for like twenty minutes and the Puckasauras was starting to get a little ticked off when she finally gave the O.K.
"So what'd you do?"
"You'll find out when we go back next week." Then she smiled and walked past him toward the window and then used a chair to climb out without ever turning back.
"So not fair."
It was two by the time they got to out to Mr. O'Ryan's cow pasture.
"What on earth are we doing out here?" she asks. He'd parked a little way away from the old dude's house to they wouldn't get caught. They were just outside the fence and Rachel was rubbing her arms. The weather had gone from a nice balmy seventy-five degrees to about freezing in the span of two hours.
"Here," Puck says as he's pulling off his sweatshirt. "I've got a warm shirt on underneath." She gladly accepts it.
"Thank you, Noah." He's digging around the back of his truck so he misses her smelling it as she pulls it on.
"Alright, let's do this." He's got a pair of bolt cutters. She looks a little nervous when she sees them.
"What are we doing, exactly, that involves bolt cutters?"
"It's just in case there's a padlock. We probably won't even have to use it." She just sighs and follows behind, giving in to the fact that since she's already committed a couple of illegal acts tonight and she might as well continue. They soon reached the gate of the field and he could see the sleeping cows within. Damn, he'd have to cut the padlock off.
"Noah! What. Are. We. Doing?" He looks up at her and smirks from his position by the padlock.
"Cow tipping." He snaps the bolt.
"Noah! I'm a vegan. I do not harm animals." He sighs.
"It'll be fine, okay? I've done this before and they just get right back up, okay?"
"….Okay… If you're sure they'll be alright."
"I am okay? Now help me get this gate open."
Now, in cow tipping, you gotta have an escape route. One you can sprint to and shut quickly, 'cause those cows are mean sons of bitches when you piss 'em off. (Puck learned that the hard way.) It's a common myth that cows sleep standing up, but they're actually lightly dozing. You need to be sneaky and have a plan of attack, because the cows are actually awake. (Also learned the hard way) Ya know, like when you just can't keep your eyes open in some boring class like math or something. You also usually need like two big guys to push the damn heifer over. (Again, the hard way.)
So the fact that he's got the loudest girl he knows with him who isn't even a half normal girl size was kinda weighing against him.
"Now, we're gonna sneak up real slow and quiet, 'cause Bessie is actually pretty alert still. Okay?" She nods a look of real concentration on her face. "Then, you're gonna have to shove like you've never shoved before, 'cause these things are like pushing over a fucking car. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Okay let's rock this bitch." They slowly creep up next to the left side of a nice black and white one who seemed to be mostly dead to the world and away from the rest of the cows. They looked at each other. Damn this girl was hot. Even in half darkness with only the moon as light, he could see how sexy she was. He especially thought she looked damn good in his clothes. Plus she was a totally awesome partner in crime. Why the fuck did Hudson break up with her? So what if she'd made out with him? Frankenteen had sex and lied about it to her for months. At least he's upfront with all the shit he's done, Hudson tried to take the pussy bitch way out. Moron.
He mouths, "You ready?" She just smiles and nods. "On three, okay?" Another nod from the sexy midget to his left. He counts off on his fingers and mouths. "One… Two… Three!"
They shoved damn hard and Bessie went down like a ton of bricks.
"Run, Berry!" And she did. Just in the totally wrong direction from him. Shit. He'd forgotten to tell her which way to run. He really couldn't worry about that now, Bessie was gaining and, if he didn't know cows were veggie eaters like Berry, he would've sworn the damn thing was gonna eat him alive. God that cow could make alot of noise. Wait, why was the noise getting closer? Shit!
That was when Bessie bit a chunk out of his shirt. Luckily, that seemed to slow her down and he lost her. Then he doubled back to try to find his little sidekick in badass-ery.
"Berry!" He was whisper yelling and felt like a dumbass. "Damnit! Berry! Where the fuck are you?"
Then he hears a voice whisper yell right back, "Noah?"
"Yes! Where are you?" He was looking around in the darkness for her and making sure psycho cow didn't sneak up on him and bite him again.
"Over here!" He saw a little hand waving from a bush about thirty feet away and ran over to it.
"You good? Psycho Bessie didn't come after you right?"
"I'm fine, but I lost my boots while running." She rubs the back of her neck in frustration and a look of horror creeps over her face. "My necklace! The necklace my great-great Grandma Bubbi brought over from Germany during World War II, it's gone! Noah we have to find it!"
"We'll have to come back and find that stuff later. The cow might've woken up Mr. O'Ryan and I think I heard that the guy was in Nam as a sniper. We need to get out of here. Now."
"Ugh. Fine. But if I step in cow excrement, you're paying for a pedicure and I need to find that necklace, Noah."
"Deal." She still wasn't convinced. "I promise okay? " She nods reluctantly and he helps her out of the bushes where she'd been hiding. They start to make their way back to his truck.
That's where she screamed bloody murder when she thought she'd stepped on a fucking snake. She was hopping around and still screaming while he desperately tried to get her to calm the fuck down. Finally, he gave up and just clapped his hand over her mouth.
"Damnit Berry! Do you want that crazy old bastard to find us out here?"
"No, you really don't." Shit. It's the cops. How the fuck did they get out here so fast?
What he did next was an act of a desperate man. He saw no other way and he was not going back to juvie. He grabbed her and yelled, "Run!"
They probably would've gotten away if it wasn't for Berry tripping over air and giving Mr. O'Ryan and his shot gun time to cut off their exit.
Well after that, the old man walked them at gunpoint back to his house where he called the cops in from the field. Turns out, some dudes had been stealing some of his cattle and Officer Porky along with another cop had been staking out the place for a few weeks. (Just his fucking luck right?) Porky took them down to the station anyway and put them in a cell even though Mr. O'Ryan decided not to press any charges after Rachel had explained what had actually happened and that they weren't trying to steal anything from him. ("They're just a couple of kids and besides, if they could tip Lucy and live I'm kind of impressed." "Lucy?" "It's short for Lucifer.") The other cop drove Puck's truck back for him. So now, here they sit at three in the morning in a jail cell.
Shit. His Ma was gonna shish kabob him and then serve him to the other Temple goers. Maybe he wasn't alone in his doom though…
"Hey Berry." She turns back to him and glares.
"What?"
"Sheesh, down killer. I was just wondering how much trouble you're gonna be in with your dads." She isn't saying anything. "Because they seem kinda anal about shit." Still nothing. "Since we're, ya know, in jail and all and that tends to go over badly with the 'rents?" He can practically hear the fucking crickets. "Fuck Berry, say something!" She gets this kinda sad look on her face. What the fuck?
"They won't find out."
"How the fuck not? Aren't they going to send out the National Guard when they find out their precious little daughter isn't in her bed?" She sighs.
"They won't find out because they aren't here. In town, I mean. They're away on their fifteenth honeymoon in Fiji. I've been by myself since the third night of Hanukkah." Fuck that's cold. At least his family is together on the holiday, her parents ditched right in the middle of it.
"Shit Berry… I… fuck I'm sorry. That's bullshit." She sniffles. Son of bitch, she's crying.
"I-It's fine. They're gone all the time anyway; I don't know why I h-honestly expected them t-to s-stay." Damnit. He can't handle this. Nope. Soothing bawling women is not in his bag of tricks. But fuck if she didn't look absolutely miserable. It was like watching one of those ASPCA commercials with the sad animals and that Sarah McLachlan song.
Fuck, he needed to be a man about this. This girl had worked shit out tonight. Yeah, she was totally bitching the whole time, but she did it anyway. Time to suck it up Puckerman, be a man.
So he slides toward her on the bench, wraps an arm around her, and awkwardly pats her shoulder. She quickly buries her face into his chest and shakes with the force of the tears that are currently soaking his shirt. Being nice is not fucking easy.
After a few minutes, she's still glued to his side but she's not full out sobbing anymore so he counts that as progress.
"I uh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose it like that but they just… God! I'm so sorry."
"It's chill Berry. I get the whole daddy issue thing, remember?" She smiles up at him a little bit. "You know what? Fuck 'em. We're two badass Jews and we don't need 'em. They don't deserve us." She's quiet for a few seconds and then looks at him.
"Fuck them." He knew he'd get her to cuss eventually.
An hour later Porky opens up the cell.
"Go home, it's Christmas." They don't correct him on the fact that they're Jewish.
When they get outside, they find the world completely different. There's white everywhere. A freak snowstorm had hit Lima at about two forty-five, just after they were put in their cell, and it was still coming down.
"Oh my… Noah, it's so beautiful."
"Yeah whatever." She just looks at him and rolls her eyes.
"It is. Snow is always my favorite thing this time of year. The AV club did a fantastic job on the fake stuff, but nothing compares to this."
"Mhm okay lets get out of before I grow a vag alright?" He starts to make his way to his truck but then finds that Berry is still under the canopy outside the station. "What the fuck are you doing? Let's go!"
"Uh, Noah…" She then points down at her very muddy, very bare feet.
"Fuck. Fine." He stalks back over to her and turns around. "Get on." She giggles and jumps on his back, then wraps her legs around his middle. (The things this midget can get him to do.) They get into his truck and he makes his way back to her house, which doesn't seem so happy anymore. Not since he found out that her parents are fucktards who left her alone on the holidays. She grabs a pair of his extra sneakers that he had lying around in there and hops out.
"Thanks Noah. This was one of the uh… most memorable Hanukkah's I've ever had. Even if it was really late."
"You're welcome Berry." She starts to turn around to go back into her house. "Hey." She turns back toward him. Damn, still walking sex. "You aren't pathetic. Or psycho. And Finn is the biggest dumbass I have ever met." Her smile is blinding as she walks away.
One week later…
It is their first day back and Rachel cannot believe Puck's late to glee club. He is missing everyone's reactions to their late night escapades on Christmas! It seems all anyone can talk about today is how Mr. Schuester's classroom is now completely unusable because everything in it is super glued in place. Or how all the Cheerio's and football players (minus one) spent the better part of their day in the nurse's office trying to relieve the itch they developed from itching powder being put on various articles of their equipment. Or how Finn's locker was super glued shut and all his books and other items from his locker were stuck under the cafeteria tables and to the ceiling. (Puck knew how to pick a lock.)
They had not spoken since that night because his mother had shipped him off to spend the remainder of the break at his Nana Connie's in her retirement village in Idaho. There were no cell phones, no computers, and almost no other electronics allowed at the facility. (He must have nearly died because she knows the amount of his time he devotes to his beloved XBOX.) She feels even worse about this since she is fairly positive if he had dropped her name to his mother about her involvement, he would have gotten a reduction in his sentence. He didn't though, because he knew his mother would tell her fathers.
"Alright guys, I know that there's been a fair amount of excitement at school today but we really need to focus. Regionals are only a few months away and we need to be perfect if we have any hope of going to Nationals," says Mr. Schuester. Practice was terrible. Apparently, no one heeded her advice on using the vocal conditioning sheet music she had sent out or even practiced at all really. Even worse Noah didn't show up until nearly the end of practice and she was distracted the whole time. He walks in just as they finish a horrible of a mash-up of "The Circle of Life" from The Lion King and Flo Rida's "Right Round."
He looks horrible, like he has been running for a few hours in a dust buster. Schue just shakes his head and dismisses them; he's got a couple hours ahead of him trying to pry loose his stuff from his room.
Puck doesn't acknowledge anyone else in the club or their little gasps and questions of what exactly has happened to him, walks straight up to her, and pulls something from behind his back. It's her boots and her great-great Grandma Bubbi's necklace."Noah… You went back for them?" He shrugs. "You didn't run into Lucy did you?" He shoots her a look.
"Why the fuck do you think I'm sweating like hooker in church? Of course I fucking did." He then turns and shows her the back of his shirt which has a huge bite taken out of it. "That's two fucking shirts that damn psychotic cow has ruined." Again, they ignore those around them and all the confusion their creating. These people don't matter anyway. They never truly appreciated Noah and her or their talent. She's just staring at the shoes and her necklace in her hands and wondering why he would go back there to just get her personal effects. (To be honest, he's pretty shocked too) They are still receiving looks of curiosity as their teammates slowly trickle out of the room. She sees Tina mouth "psychotic cow?" out of the corner of her eye to Mercedes, who just shrugs as they walk out.
"But… why?"
"I promised I would." A smile graces his face before he sticks his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "Plus I thought you'd let me make use of your little uh…gift as a reward." He's smirking now. Her mouth drops open and she hits him. He laughs.
"Okay, okay sorry." They're both smiling now. Everyone else is gone. "So… what are you doing Friday? 'Cause the way I figure it, I didn't get you the required eight Hanukkah gifts. I owe you some."
She just looks up at him with this look on her face that he's never really figured out, and smiles. It's not one of her full blown Broadway Berry smiles or the ones that he sees when she's just been mocked or slushied and she's trying not to cry. It's a real one. (He doesn't want to think about what it means that he knows this tiny ass girl so well he can tell the difference in her fucking smiles. Right now, he doesn't really care.)
"Bring it." He smirks at the memory from what seems like forever ago.
"Ya know, Berry. You never did show me how you completed your act of vandalism." She silently takes his hand, pulls him to the piano, and points to the bottom of the right side. There, carved in Hebrew, are both their names, hers with a tiny Star of David after it.
"You said be more creative, so I did."
"Why'd you put my name?" She shrugs.
"I guess I don't have any impulse control either."
"Oh really?" They're getting closer together now and she still hasn't let go of his hand.
"Mhm."
"What do you want to do right now?" She thinks about it a minute, then smiles.
"This." She grabs the front of his shirt and pulls his mouth to hers.
They cross making out on school property off the list.
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