Disclaimer: I own nothing but the poor little scrap that is called 'plot'. Of course, this story doesn't really have one. Oh well.

Chapter 1: Questionable Beginnings

It was the start of another smashing year at Hogwarts. The students were busy shoving food in their mouths and gazing at the enormous ceiling that, for some strange reason, looked like a scene from My Little Pony. (This was because Professor McGonangall had stolen a questionable root from one of the greenhouses and commenced smoking it while she was enchanting the ceiling.) Suddenly, the Headmaster shot up from his chair, fully intending to make an inspirational speech regarding a brand-spankin' new school term. Fortunately, he promptly forgot this and instead made a school-wide project up on the spot.

"Students," his voice boomed across the castle, startling Ron Weasley so bad his face fell right into his pudding (which wasn't really unpleasant for him), "the staff and I have decided to put you through a lovely, possible tortuous, field trip! Everyone, including the staff, house elves, ghosts, questionable magical creatures, students and dust bunnies, is going to participate in a camping/picnic trip!"

The entire staff table, besides Dumbledore, spit their wine out at the same exact time. Hermione would later call that a 'Kodak moment', but only three other people would actually understand what she meant. As everyone was staring, open-mouthed like some sort of rare Amazon fish, at the batty headmaster issued another shocking statement.

"Why, I don't think we should use magic, either!"

And with that, everyone's wand disappeared. Confusion and chaos erupted. Tables were turned over, Neville had a seizure, first-years fainted and Professor Trelawney kept screaming, "THE END IS NEAR! THE APOCALYPSE HAS DAWNED! REPENT YOUR SOULS!", over and over until Severus Snape smacked her with Lucuis Malfoy's mysterious movie pimp cane. Then, it promptly disappeared.

"I forgot to mention no pimp canes allowed," Dumbledore chuckled.

Draco Malfoy and a number of other pureblood bastards suddenly had glum looks on their faces. Their pimp canes had been revoked. They then marched toward their dormitories to owl their daddies and sulk. They didn't even get to the doors leading out of the Great Hall. Someone snapped their fingers and WHAM! The staff, students, ghosts, house elves, dust bunnies and questionable magical creatures were suddenly standing in the middle of a sunny field. Julie Andrews and a number of sunny-faced children were singing gaily and dancing around in circles. The entire group was too shocked to move, except Dean Thomas. He began crooning along and joined the ring of laughing children. Dumbledore giggled and snapped again, leaving Dean with the British nanny of his dreams.

This time they landed directly outside the Hogwarts castle. A dust bunny named Hubert asked the question that was on everyone's mind.

"Do we get cell service here?"

When Hagrid whipped out his brand new Motorola and shook his head sadly, most of the group began to cry. The dust bunnies were especially upset because some of their kinsman were still trapped under the sofas and comfy chairs in the Hufflepuff common room.

"Don't despair, my motley crew," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "The best is yet to come! We're going to draw names from the Sorting Hat to pick your Safety Buddy!"

The whole 'motley crew' groaned in unison, except for Mary Sue #3. She was busy trying to think of why the words 'motley crew' made her think of a mosh pit.

Professor McGonagall produced a canary yellow top hat from a very tipsy Professor Flitwick's ear and handed it over to an extremely cheerful and quite unhinged Dumbledore.

"I never knew you could do Muggle magic, Minerva," Dumbledore said, extremely interested.

"I can do a lot more than Muggle magic, Albus," McGonagall said coyly.

Nearby, a certain Harry Potter threw up his dinner. He had just witnessed a sight more disgusting that Fred and George Weasley eating after a 10 hour Quiditch practice. The flirting of two teachers who were over at least two hills. He continued to regurgitate as Seamus Finnigan whispered things about professors getting it on, which provided Harry with many disturbing images. The poor boy would eventually seek counseling for this incident.

Dumbledore finally finished his conversation with McGonagall after making an agreement to visit her in her tent after lights out. He then took the top hat, turned it upside down and shook it feverishly. A bag of lemon drops, Elton John/Weird Sisters concert tickets and a prescription for Enzyte fell out. He quickly gathered the articles up, stuffed them inside his trailing sparkly maroon cloak and got back into Proclamation Mode.

"Everyone's name is in this hat, excluding the questionable magical creatures. The QMC can roam with whomever they choose as long as they don't dog-ear any book pages. Madam Pince has been complaining about you tricky creatures in my ear for about twenty minutes nonstop." Dumbledore gave a wink at a hippogriff nearby who was smoothing out a crease in a library book and slipping a talon between the pages instead.

"Ahem, as I was saying, everyone will have a Safety Buddy chosen by the hat except QMC. Now, let's see who everyone will be stuck with for a week."

The hat started churning out results faster than a Slurpee machine. Draco Malfoy with Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley with Cho Chang, Mary Sue #2 with Neville Longbottom, Hagrid with Goyle, Nearly Headless Nick with Hubert the dust bunny. The pairs became more and more ridiculous as time wore on. The most comical to Dumbledore being Harry Potter and Severus Snape.

Soon enough, everyone was paired except for Dumbledore and a house elf named Nudders. Nudders wasn't the brightest pebble on the beach and he simply ran away into the Forbidden Forest to face imminent doom, leaving Dumbledore without a Safety Buddy. Which left the headmaster to be free to oversee how everyone wasn't getting along. Currently, Dumbledore was more interested in wearing Professor Snape's secret collection of man-thongs on his head and attempting to do serious Voldemort impressions. Let it be said that it is very hard to look creepy and foreboding when wearing male stripper underwear atop your head.

Perhaps Nudders was the most intelligent of them all.

A/N: Thank you all for reading. Reviews, flames and snarky insults are much appreciated. I do realize I may not be funny at all and I am probably crazy.

Chocolate frogs for all?

Canadian Vamp