I know it's a bit of a read, but I hope you care to indulge yourself in it anyways.
"I suppose you're all wondering why you're today," Tsunade shouted into the microphone.
The adolescent ninjas nodded up at their hokage. Yes, they did wonder why today's missions were canceled and their various sensei(s) had schlepped them off to the town hall that had been built last month so that Tsunade may have a place to congregate the whole village and yell at them all at once instead of just individually. It was slightly less satisfying to see the face of terror on only three pre-teens instead of a whole theatre full.
Tsunade smiled on the inside; half of the audience was frowning with the anticipation of a lecture. Smart kids. But on the outside, she was grumpy, intimidating, and unapproachable. Shizune and Ton-Ton had been too afraid to wish her a good morning or chat with her, other than to peek in her office to confirm that, yes, today Tsunade should not be wished a good morning or chatted with. Then they crept away. Tsunade enjoyed that. But, as usual, I digress.
"Well, you should know why you're here today!" she screamed, pounding her fist onto a conveniently-placed table. Tsunade supposed it was for notes, but lectures always sound better when they aren't rehearsed. The anger seems less fake. "Because while all you kids are prodigies -except for those of you without names that show no purpose to the plot, by the way you do a great job of standing around in the background, keep it up- your table manners are disgraceful!"
The ninjas gave her a weirded out look, then began to talk amongst themselves.
"That's exactly what I mean!" Everyone snapped to attention. "I'm not done rambling at you and look at yourselves! Going on about your business! Listen to your terrifying overlord! By which I mean hokage!"
It was silent. You could here a pin drop.
"I'm sorry, I'll stop that," said the pin dropper.
"Anyway," Tsunade continued, "since you kids never learned how to be proper, it's high time we taught you. Or so says The Angry Mothers Who Support Dining Etiquette To Be Presented In Children's' Comic Books Society; TAMWSDETBPICCBS for short."
"Tam-wuhs-det-bee-pic-bus?" Everyone tried to pronounce the abbreviated title correctly.
"Shut up! Shut up! Someone get me a gavel," Tsunade requested, and her random fleet of ninjas got her one. "Thank you. ORDER, I SAY!" She banged her judge's hammer against the table with such gusto that everyone shutted up at once.
"Holy unmentioned deity of the ninja/assassin faith, you guys are annoying," Tsunade growled. "Okay, long story short, we're going to teach you guys how to be fancy because apparently if you guys decide to stop being ninjas (which I know you won't), you should know how to fit into society and be excepted. And I know that like half the plotline is that none of you are accepted, but I don't think learning how to fold a napkin or slice a yam is really gonna kill ya. So we're dedicating today to the force-learning of manners. Hooray!"
It was silent for about twelve seconds.
"Does that mean we get to eat things?" Choji asked.
"Yes, Choji, you get to eat things," Tsunade said, "and then you'll learn to close your mouth when you eat potato chips. It makes for really horrible background noise." She clapped her hands. "So, without further ado, let the learning begin!"
"This is super lame!" Naruto ranted immediately. "I have sooo many other things I could be doing with my life right now! Lame!"
Tsunade folded her arms. "Two words: free ramen."
"…" Naruto was struck speechless.
"I knew he'd comply soon enough." Tsunade looked back at the empty auditorium. Everyone had filed out through the side door to begin their newest training exercise. Everyone except Neji.
Tsunade walked up to him. "You. You're trickier."
"I find this entire event horrendously pointless," Neji explained stiffly, then began tacking off on his fingers, "My kunai knives are in need of a good sharpening, I should be getting myself another pair of sandals, these ones are wearing down, but especially my sock-"
"And you're horrendously dull. Go have fun." Tsunade grabbed Neji by his ear and toted him through the doorway. "Nothing's more fun than learning, after all."
Neji rubbed his earlobe disdainfully and pouted.
The room next door was large and was probably used for conferences or something of such similarity. Today it was filled with long dining tables and one at the front coated in food. Drippy, saucy food, to be exact, and several silver bowls brimming with soup. Right next to it was a mountain of napkins.
"A demonstrator will sit at the head of each table, showing you how to eat everything correctly," Shizune explained, a breath of pine-fresh air in the Swiss Alps in comparison to Tsunade, "so watch everything they do and study it."
"I hope I get to sit next to Naruto," thought Hinata, poking her fingers next to each other.
"Dibs to the seat next to Sakura!" Naruto proclaimed. Fate, 2719, Hinata, 0.
"Hey, guys!" Guy cheered, gung-ho as ever as he pulled out his seat and plunked down. "I'll be your table's manners instructor!"
"That does it, I'm out of here-"
"Sasuke, you just broke rule number one: respect your host." Guy waggled his finger disapprovingly. Sasuke responded by crossing his arms over his chest and trying to look cool and sulky simultaneously. He had to admit, sometimes there was nothing better than the chorus of obsessive girls sympathizing with him.
"Poor Sasuke! At least he shouldn't have to put up with it!" Ino crooned.
Sasuke decided to be uncaring today and sunk deeper in the cushioned chair. "Whatever."
"Yo, Sasuke, I bet I can eat this roll before you!" Naruto challenged enthusiastically.
"Hold on, guys! Eating contests are a big no-no." Guy chuckled to himself, because he couldn't believe that he actually said 'no-no'. "They'll make your fellow guests upset. And you aren't paying attention to how you're eating so your food will fly all over! And that's very, very bad!"
"Beff your parron?" Naruto attempted through a yeasty mouthful.
Guy sighed and shook his head. "Just don't do it again…"
"I'll prove myself to you, Guy!" Rock Lee cut his bread with his fork and knife, then ate a bite. "See? I am dainty!"
"NO! Bad job, Lee!" Guy pointed his finger accusingly and Rock Lee whimpered at the chastisement. "That isn't how you eat a roll either! This is how you do it." Guy ripped off a small piece of bread, buttered it with his knife and chewed it slowly. He swallowed the portion. "Now. Do as I did."
With slow reluctance, the genin copied. Naruto couldn't seem to grasp the concept of 'small pieces' and most of the others begged Guy if they could throw the knives after they ate their bread. Sasuke embarrassed himself by holding his own utensil by the blade instead of the handle. Hinata got in trouble at least six times for trying to hide herself under the tablecloth. One time she pulled on it so hard that everyone's plates fell off.
"I'm so sorry!" she bawled. "I'll never do it again! Maybe!"
"… Let's get started on the first course," Guy managed to say through gritted teeth.
Bowls of soup were brought out to everyone. The flavor was something fancy that involved the flesh of an exotic dolphin and a title with at least two accented letters.
"Bon appetite," the waiters who were also ninjas said.
"That means you can eat," Guy translated, "but watch me first. Here, if you scoop towards you, it's actually polite-"
"Hey! Why do you know so much about polite stuff anyway?!" Kiba yelled from down the table.
"Because this is Guy we're talking about. Obviously he can waste his time with this sort of thing." Ten-ten twirled her spoon around in the broth boredly. She really wanted to see if the bizarre scratching noise coming from Neji's sock drawer was a rodent or an insect. There was the yen equivalent to ten dollars riding on it being a rodent.
Guy banged the table with his fist for attention. "Kiba! I know you were raised by flea-bitten wolves with no respect for hygiene-"
"Wait, what-?"
"-but you can't howl at the table!" Guy finished with interrupting emphasis. He still believed that Kiba lived in a cave somewhere and that the house and people he claimed to go home to were just flukes. No one's breath can smell like that if they eat nothing but raw meat. "Besides, everyone knows San is your older sister and you really want to kill us all for being human in order to restore the balance to the forest."
"Uh, you lost me at the 'raised by wolves' part," Kiba said, blinking in confusion. But the no respect for hygiene part was mostly true.
"Sure, Kiba. Sure. Now everybody, take your napkins and- Hey! Where is everyone all of a sudden?" Guy looked around fervently. All of his students, now including Kiba, were surrounding the table a few rows down.
"What? Did Sasuke's hair get tossed by the wind again? Or something?" Guy asked flatly, all to knowing of the automatic obsession girls seemed to have with the ninja prodigy that, for some unknowable reason, they didn't have with Lee.
"No! Kakashi's about to eat!" Sakura announced, waving her arms frantically. This was the first time anyone had seen her excited about something than the last time Sasuke breathed.
"I don't see what's so exciting," Kakashi said convincingly.
"Just hurry up and eat!" Naruto demanded.
Kakashi brought the spoon up to his face and started pulling at the edge of his mask, then hesitated. "Wait a moment…"
"Oh, what is it?!" groaned the ninjas.
"Er, what is the name of this soup again?" Kakashi questioned nervously.
"Who cares, just something no one can say, now eat!" Sakura ordered, hands on her hips.
Kakashi put the spoon back. "Sorry to disappoint, guys. I'm allergic to unpronounceable food."
"What?!"
"How does that work?!"
Kakashi shrugged. "I don't know, but I don't want to find out if it's true. Getting covered in hives isn't high on my fun list."
"And who said you could leave the table anyway?" Guy interjected. "When you want to go, you're supposed to say 'May I be excused?'"
The genin looked between Kakashi and Guy. "Um… May we-?"
"Get back to your chairs!!"
They cringed and scampered back on the sandal-clad feet.
"I can only keep the on-running joke going for so long," Kakashi admitted. "If only my team knew the reason I was late everyday is so I can actually get something to eat off-camera."
Guy shook his head. "They're so obnoxious today, even Lee… Honestly, it scares me to think how they are at home. Why don't their parents stop them I wonder? Any who, how are yours?"
"Well, I was teaching them manners, but they already know those," Kakashi answered, pointing down the table. "They're background characters, you see. I'm trying to teach them how to be useful, but they're not really grasping the concept. All they're doing is sitting there… Like dummies…"
"Huh." Guy flicked one in the head; it said 'Ow', but did nothing else. "… I'll be returning to my group now."
"Have fun."
Guy walked back over. Ino was painting her fingernails and Tenten was chewing on her own absentmindedly. Naruto and Sasuke were staring at their spoons intently, trying to test their psychic abilities (this wasn't working out so hot), and Sakura was rooting for her beloved. Kiba was scratching Akamaru's ears while Akamaru lapped up some knocked-over pepper. And the only one who refused to comply, Neji, was actually complying by sitting as still as a statue in a manner he supposed looked quite 'bad'. Guy glared at them all. "I've had it with you all! We're skipping soup and going straight to the main course! …And where's Hinata hiding this time?"
"Under the table," Choji said, pointing downward and devouring his spoon, since he had already finished off his soup.
Guy pulled back the tablecloth. "Care to explain why you're under here again?"
Hinata's white eyes began brimming over with tears. "N-N-N-Naruto only l-l-likes Sakura and he d-doesn't notice me at all a-and there's too many spoons and the soup was too hot and my tongue got burnt and I'm wearing my shoes on the wrong feet so my toes are all bunched and I can't believe it's not butter and the ceiling-"
Guy surfaced from under the table.
"I don't know what you were talking about, Choji, no one was there," he muttered, straight-faced. "Okay, get your chopsticks- forks- chopsticks- WHATEVER! Holy ravioli…! Just… keep in mind that this is being read by Americans and we're using forks today, okay?!"
Tenten raised an eyebrow. "How is that supposed to help us in our own society?"
Guy plunked his head on his plate. "I'm running out of youth-"
"Guy! That can't be! Here! Have some of mine!" Lee ran over and started punching Guy in the back, assuming that was how youth was transferred. Guy perked up seconds later.
"Alright! I know just how to teach you unteachable children now!" he shouted, thrusting his fist to the air. "We… are ninjas!! We eat with our hands!! We have no use for these petty things the TAMWSDETBPICCBS calls silverware!! For we have youth!! Dismissed."
"Well that was a solid chunk of my life that will never return," Neji grumbled as they left.
"True. But hey, about your sock drawer…" Tenten waved her yen equivalent to ten dollars in Neji's face. "Speaking of which, why do we own socks?"
"I don't know…"
"Well, that went over well," Kakashi said sarcastically.
"No, it really did not, actually," said Guy, who isn't fluent in sarcastic.
"Say, why did you decide to teach them to use forks anyhow?" Kakashi asked.
"Well," Guy explained, taking something out of his pocket, "I really don't know anything about manners, so I watched this show before I came here and the only thing they explained how to use was a fork. No chopsticks."
Kakashi took the video from Guy and turned it over to the front. "'Can you teach my alligator manners?'."
"Yeah," Guy said proudly, "now I know something."
"Could I borrow this?"
"Go for it."
"Thanks." Kakashi pocketed it. "Well I'm going home now."
"Me too. See ya."
"Bye."
And then the room was empty, for even Tsunade had given up. I guess you can't teach a ninja manners. They just aren't fit for it.
Hinata climbed out from under the table and looked around tentatively. "Hey… Where did everybody-"
THE-
"But I'm still here! LOUDLY!"
Too bad, it's THE END.
By the way, 'Can you teach my alligator manners?' is real. And there was a cricket in Neji's sock drawer, so Tenten lost.