Seems Easter is just around the corner, huh Peeps? Yet another holiday for our favorite Visser to experience. So, about those three ghosts…
Warning: No POV. Also, it's a lot funnier if you used to watch some of the old Animorph shows on Nick. You'll see….
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A Visser Easter Carol
The days of Good Friday had passed and Easter Sunday on the morrow, which were of course human holidays, but Visser Three knew lazy, slacker Yeerks would use that to their advantage. So, during a meeting between him and his five advisors, he announced the chosen news.
(I understand that you five have been looking forward to the day you chase rabbits and munch boiled eggs, but I'm ordering you to work overtime,) he growled.
The five, poor workers were depressed and agitated that their Visser was only focused on searching for those pesky Andalite Bandits.
So, that very night, he was visited by three ghosts…
"Visser Three, Esplin, I have come for your soul," a voice moaned at the dozing, blue centaur-like figure on the mattress. "Eh, Visser…?"
The Andalite-Controller snored.
"Hello?"
Said Andalite-Controller scratched a rather personnel area and at the same time, made a universal gesture with his middle digit.
"WAKE UP!"
Visser Three snorted in his sleep, collapsed off the mattress and lay spread eagled across the carpet of his floor. He glared at the person before him, with onyx black hair and piercing dark eyes. (Edriss? What the heck are you doing in my room?) He glanced from side to side. (Aren't you already having enough trouble keeping Councilors Eight and Two in line?)
SLAP! "I'm not the real Edriss," the woman said.
(That slap felt real enough,) Esplin muttered.
"Quiet, mortal fool," the woman growled. "I have come to tell you that you shall be visited by three ghosts representing the past, present, and future. Kind of like that guy Scrooge."
(What does any of this have to do with a cartoon duck with a fortune of gold?) Esplin asked in bafflement. (Oh! I'm going to be rich soon, aren't I?!)
"NO!" The woman snapped. "Remember, three ghosts. Different times. Lesson. Kapeech?"
(Are you one of them?) he asked.
"One of what?"
(The three ghosts.)
"No."
(I guess that would make it for, huh, Einstein?) Visser Three asked. (So…if that's all you were going to say, kindly get the fuck out of my room. I need some shut eye.)
Later that very night, he heard the rattle of chains and looked up to see a Gothic version of our beloved Jake Berenson (of course, he had NO CLUE who the boy was), with silver shining off his pant legs. "Essspliiiinn, I aaaammm--"
(One of the three ghosts?) Esplin drawled.
"It'sss rude to interupttt, you baaag of ssshhhh--"
(Why are you talking like that?) Visser Three asked.
Jake rolled his eyes. "It's in the manual, duh. Book of the Dead. Anyway, you may not know me, but someday, you shall learn. Although, after tonight your mind will be erased of any important information conflicting with the plot."
(I don't understand a word you just said,) Esplin grumbled.
"Good. We should be getting somewhere," Jake said happily. "Now, behold! For I represent the ghost of Easter past, of a time not too long ago in your ridiculous, plot-hole-filled life."
The air around them shimmered and they were back in the construction site, right up to the point where Elfangor was held suspended overtop Visser Three's gigantic maw. The Andalite screamed once, before disappearing inside the alien beast, fighting for all he was worth until a severed leg fell to the ground, soon consumed by ravenous Taxxons. The air was filled with the victorious cries of Yeerks as the Andalite ship was destroyed into tiny particles. The vision promptly stopped, rewinding back to the Elfangor-in-air moment.
Jake waved his hand at the scene. "Now do you see? Your fame and so-called honor were built upon the sickening, gruesome deaths of others. You gnaw away at the lives of others to satisfy your own. You--STOP LAUGHING!"
Visser Three was rolling in the air--freaky, magic ghost mojo can do that--and clapped his hands. (Again! Play it again!)
Jake shook his head. "You are one truly sadistic bastard. Do you not feel shame for such blood thirst or evil?"
(Psst. You act as though I'm going to Purgatory or something in a month,) Visser Three guffawed. (Hey, is it possible to get that on VHS or DVD? Oh, can you also add the part a few years ago when I captured Alloran? I think I like this whole ghost of Easter past ordeal.)
"You do not consider the consequences of your actions," Jake sighed. "It'll cost you merely nineteen ninety-nine, but if you don't order now, you'll also have to pay for shipping and handling."
(Shoot, what's my Yeerk coins?) Visser Three muttered.
"Sorry, we only accept credit cards," Jake said. "Now, I gotta go and interrogate some wannabe spirit in Hades. Have fun with your new friend after this." He vanished.
Visser Three was peacefully asleep--considering the circumstances--when he heard some startling music coming from behind him. Skin against skin, blood and bone. You're all by yourself, but you're not alone. You wanted in, now you're here. Driven by hate, consumed by fear.
The Visser leapt out of bed and screamed, (Iniss, so help you God if you've started another Sataniccult in the living room!) He turned around and saw apparently the second ghost. (Ewww. Another Goth kid. Halloween's over, dude.)
Silence. I am the ghost of Easter present, taking the form of the great lord Crayak. The blood shot eye glared venomously at him. And I was not singing Goth lyrics. It's merely 'Let The Bodies Hit the Floor'. Your theme song.
(My what?) Visser Three asked.
With my amazing, awesome, godly eye, I can easily define someone's name, species regardless of morph, remaining life force, and their theme music, Crayak said.
(So you can hear things with that big ole eye of yours?) Visser Three laughed. (That's crazier than being shrunken to ant size and teaming up with your eternal rival against millions of mini midgets.)
Heh heh heh.
(What?)
Nothing. You'll learn about that later. Now, I shall show you another of your gruesome acts of horror. Be prepared!
Before the pair, the room melted away until they saw Visser Three slicing the head off a Controler-horse. Now, Esplin was laughing at two freed Hork-Bajir who'd apparently run off a cliff. Next, Esplin was fighting a fellow Visser (guess who) in the hallway. Finally, there was a blurry image of bright lines and someone singing What's Up People? in the background.
(What was that last one? I don't remember that,) Visser Three said.
Whoops. That's last year's Mardi Gras incident in the Crega Nebula. How'd that get in there? The Crayak being cleared his nonexistent throat. Anyhow, you see that there is little you can claim as good cheer. You will die a lonely death, inside a purple box if you don't change your ways.
(Now I know you made that up,) Esplin drawled. (Will you leave now?)
Can't. You have to have learned a lesson through this. Otherwise, you've got a new roommate.
(Oh for Akdor's sake…yes, I, silly minded, misled Esplin, have learned the error of my ways. Will you go back to Limbo now or whatever?)
Aw, good. Now, come over here and let me cut you. The red eye blinked. Did I say cut? I meant hug you. Yes, hugging is what I do. Come here, Yeerk.
(You don't have any arms,) Visser Three pointed out.
Oh right. Now, be a good boy.
(I already am.)
Heh. Yeah, and I'm straight. The spirit disappeared.
(Sucker.)
Finally, Esplin was visited by one last person. He'd already been talked to by a future enemy and a creature that could demolish universes, so of course it would be… He blinked in bafflement. Who was he?
"Hi, V-Three," the boy said cheerfully. "I'm Darth Vader, the ghost of the future. If the last two bumpkins couldn't teach you, I shall. I hold the knowledge of what shall become of your legacy later on. Believe me, it sucks."
(I'm killed by a low-ranking Andalite?)
"Worse."
(I'm left to starve on some barren planet infested by cannibals?)
"Oh, that would be paradise compared to this."
(WHAT THEN COULD BE SO AWFUL AS TO CHANGE ME?!)
"A television network."
(WHAT?!)
"A year from now, in another Universe, the one I inhabit with two girls, Risika-Dragon and Sinister Shadow, will feature a TV show based on your lives, except it really, really sucks. People may stop even reading the book after its release," Darth Vader foretold.
(You're kidding me.)
"You've been warned. This is the future of Animorphs."
(The who? Is that some fruity club Iniss has been trying to join?)
Before he could add more, the single TV in his bedroom flickered on and bad graphics layered the scenes, seemingly focused on kids running stupidly across a construction site and pictures of animals flashing through. During this, an infamous theme song rippled through:
"No turning back. No backing down. Nowhere to run. No solid ground. No place to hide. No one to trust. No one to help you when you're--"
(What the fuck is this shit?) Visser Three gasped.
"It gets worse," Darth Vader implied.
It was the very first episode of the Animorph TV series, playing through the part where Elfangor faced Visser Three. The dialogue persisted, until the visser morphed into an unseen alien, picked up the injured foe, and--
(Is that my voice? What are they playing at? I sound worse than Mr. Loud-And-Nasal on a good day!) Visser Three moaned. (And why didn't they use CGI for the special effects?)
"These guys were cheap, and since your show was too violent for little kids, they couldn't simply make it an animated series," Darth Vader explained.
(No! Wait, what violence? There's no action, and this acting, and… Where's the plot?) Visser Three watched in horror as it skipped ahead to the next few episodes. (My human morph's some old, bald guy with a weight problem? I look like Al Gore without the hair!)
Darth Vader chuckled. "Worst of all, you get less screen time than Iniss."
(NOOOO!) Visser Three did something he'd never done before: he fell to his knees, clasping his hands as if in prayer. (Please, please. I'll change my ways. I'll be a better guy, I swear. Just stop this horror from reaching the public.)
"Well...okay. As long as you learn to behave."
(Fine. Just get out of my room!)
"That's what she said." The spirit dissapated into thin air.
The next morning, the Visser woke up fresh and early, ready to start the day with unexpected bliss and cheer. Good thing last night he'd…he'd what? Oh well, it couldn't have been too important. However, he remembered the poor, overworked advisors and decided to call a meeting.
When all five advisors had been seated, he announced the wonderful news, as if an epiphany had struck him. (Everyone, today is Easter. So, I decided that you wouldn't have to work today.)
They all smiled with relief at that, already planning vacations for themselves. One joyful fellow exclaimed, "You really mean it, Visser Three? Why, gee, thanks a bunch!"
(Yep,) Esplin assured. (Instead, you're all going to be executed for insufficient working standards. Happy Hanukah, everybody.)
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So….you like?