Title : Sizes and Names

Disclaimer : I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari. It belongs to Sai Yukino.

Rating : T

Genre : Family/Friendship

Warnings : Yaoi

Pairings : Kijin/Reishin, Shuei/Koyu

Summary : Shoka joins Reishin's family for dinner, and finds himself presiding over a discussion on sizes and names.

Time-fit : After Sickroom.

Koyu nodded earnestly, swallowing his mouthful of food.
"Yes, I totally agree about acquired tastes. I would not have thought that I would develop a liking for milk. And now, I can't get enough of it!"

Having said his piece, Koyu shoveled in another mouthful of rice, not picking up on the sudden silence in the dining room.

Reishin, his chopsticks suspended uncertainly above his bowl of rice, glanced at his silently shaking lover. Kijin raised one hand and waved it weakly, offering no help. Reishin looked across the dining table at his elder brother beseechingly.

Taking the cue, Shoka cleared his throat to speak.
"Well, I, among all present here, am the least qualified to comment on this. I only have access to domestically-produced milk, and, in all honesty, I've never been curious enough to taste it."

Kijin's shaking became more violent. Reishin gestured frantically at the grinning Shoka. Koyu continued masticating, blissfully oblivious.

Shuei, all this while waiting for Reishin to look his way, lost patience and threw a roasted peanut. The perfectly aimed missile sailed above Koyu's field of vision, and hit Reishin on his left temple.

Koyu paused in his eating.
"Really, Lord Shoka? You've never tasted milk?"

Clutching the peanut in his fist, Reishin turned to glare at Shuei.

Shoka smiled beatifically at Koyu.
"Yes, Koyu, and I don't imagine that I ever will."

Having caught Reishin's attention, Shuei placed his two fisted hands, with the index fingers pointing ceiling-ward, at the sides of his head.

"Shuei, what on earth are you doing?"
Koyu half-smiled and half-frowned at his lover.

"Ah . . . haha, I was trying to tell Lord Reishin that you were referring to cow's milk, and not . . . and not . . ."
Shuei flushed, stumped as to how to finish that sentence.

Kijin cut in smoothly.
"And not camel's milk, of course."

"Yes, of course."
Shuei glanced at Kijin's wooden mask in gratitude.

Heaving an almost imperceptible sigh of relief, Reishin continued his dinner.
Good. Koyu has no clue. He's eating nicely.

Glancing at his adopted son stuffing a huge amount of rice into his mouth, Reishin corrected himself.
Or rather, Koyu's eating. Period.
It's a strange sight, the two of them. Shuei's table manners are genteel to the point of daintiness.
And Koyu!

Reishin rolled his eyes. He had never been successful in influencing Koyu to not put so much food into each mouthful. And of course, there's the talking-with-his-mouth-full thing!

"Koyu, do you mind not talking with your mouth full?"
Shuei's tone was teasing and affectionate.

Reishin noted Koyu's sheepish grin, followed by hasty swallowing.
Well! That's better than I ever managed in eight years!
Way to go, Ran Shuei.

"Camel's milk? That's popular only in the western provinces."
Koyu laughed suddenly, a thought occurring to him.
"And a good thing too! I would rather not be called a prize camel!"

Shuei started. Koyu blushed. They both look like they had been caught doing some unspeakable thing.

"So . . . Koyu, Shuei calls you a prize cow?"
Kijin asked innocently.

"That's not very nice at all, Shuei, calling your lover a cow."
Reishin was half-serious in his admonishment.

Shoka came to Shuei's defence.
"I don't see that a dumpling is any much better than a cow, Reishin."

Reishin flushed.
"It's not the same thing!"

"Hold on! Lord Reishin, Lord Shoka, I don't call Koyu by any other name. He wouldn't allow it. You have no idea what type of dirty looks I received for trying something as harmless as 'sweetheart'!"

"So what's with the prize cow?"
Kijin wasn't going to let the bovine issue go.

"Ah . . . haha, that's uh, well, that's Koyu's . . ."

Kijin laughed incredulously.
"And he accepts a pet-name for that, but not for himself?"
He turned to Koyu.
"Koyu?"

"It's perfectly logical!"
Koyu blushed.
"Shuei's argument, that is. He said that it needed a name! He said, we are all humans, and we have names. In the same way, our anatomical parts need to be differentiated by names!"

"That,"
Shoka announced,
"is the most dubious logic ever."

"Brother Shoka is right, Koyu. Does Shuei name your hand, or foot? It would be quite a crowd, wouldn't it, when the two of you make out."
Reishin pitched his voice lower, in an approximation of Shuei's.
"No, no, Koyu, not Pig, I want Dog over here, and tell Cow to wait just a bit . . . "

Even Koyu and Shuei had to laugh at that, together with everyone else.

"Come now, Dumpling, give Shuei a break. Afterall, we give names too, don't we?"

Reishin arched delicate brows at his lover.
"Alright, I concede. A monster is not so far removed from an animal."

Kijin's ears turned red.
"Reishin!"

"Didn't you say to give Shuei a break? I was just providing a diversion, dear Kijin."
Reishin smirked, keeping his eyelids hooded.

Laughing, Shoka announced to no one in particular.
"Ah, yes! It certainly is a monster, good name!"

That got Reishin's attention.
"Whaaat? When? Kijin, why didn't you ever tell me? Brother Shoka, when did you . . ."

"When Kijin and I had our first fight, Reishin. And don't blame Secretary Ko for not telling."
Shoka chuckled.
"I quite unethically used his exposed state to my advantage."

Reishin turned to look at his red-eared lover, at a loss as to what to say.

Shuei, waiting for a chance to speak, pounced at the opening.
"Koyu can second Lord Shoka's opinion!"

"Shu-ei!"
Koyu blushed, glancing nervously at his father.

"You too, Koyu?"
Sounding just a little faint, Reishin looked helplessly at his partner.
"Kijin, you really need to keep yourself covered more."

The elegant hand lying on the dining table twitched.
"It was just one time, Dumpling."

Shoka cleared his throat.
"So, Li Koyu, the legend that inspires civil servants to look into your pants in the lavatory, how does Secretary Ko's measure up against your own?"

". . . . . . !"

Shuei laughed.
"Lord Shoka, Koyu was only fourteen then. He hadn't yet reached his full potential!"

Shoka glanced at the sputtering Koyu, and decided to direct his question at Shuei instead.
"About the lavatory, Shuei, the grapevine has it that Koyu would play a waiting game with those who attempt to view his family jewels. Toilet breaks shouldn't be so stressful."

"I know. That's why I try to accompany him as often as possible. No one dares to stand next to him when I'm there."

Kijin made an exasperated noise.
"I've been trying to tell Koyu, ever since he joined the civil service, to just brazen it out. His embarrassment is what is fueling all that interest in his anatomy. Just act normally. It doesn't take long for the fanfare to die down. I speak from experience. Ouch! What was that for, Dumpling?"

"It's not quite the same thing, Kijin. You were a sensation in the lavatory, yes, but you were just a rookie civil servant. After five years of dancing around the lavatory, Koyu has become a legend, to borrow Brother Shoka's words. The curiousity has gathered momentum. For Assistant Secretary Li Koyu to open his pants now would be as momentous as the emperor holding an open-house to his private rooms!"

Koyu looked to his lover in a silent plea. Shuei reached under the table and gave Koyu's hand a squeeze.

Turning to Kijin, Shuei's voice took on a whiny quality.
"Lord Kijin, I'm beginning to feel left-out. I'm the only one present who hasn't met Monster."

Ignoring Koyu's gasp, Shuei continued to badger Kijin.
"Besides, I've always wanted to spar with you. So what do you say, Lord Kijin? If I win, I get an introduction to Monster."

Kijin laughed.
"And if you lose, General Ran? Will you drop your pants? And who's to judge the fight, Lord Shoka?"

Chuckling, Shoka was all enthusiasm.
"It will be my pleasure!"

Reishin looked at Koyu, somewhat concerned. Koyu looked like he was about to have a seizure.
This means Koyu's not going to be eating anything more this dinner.
Ah well, things always turn out this way during family meals.
And Koyu always end up half-hungry.

Shrugging, Reishin gave up. He did try to stop the descend into raunchiness earlier, when Koyu made that preposterous remark about his addiction to milk. He had thought that his elder brother's rare presence would put a lid on things.

I never expected Brother Shoka to be the ring-leader!
Feeling the tug at the corners of his lips, Reishin decided that if he couldn't beat them, he'd join them. He turned to address his son's lover.

"And what about yours, Shuei? What did Koyu name it?"

"Tiny."

The silence was finally broken by Reishin's tiny voice.
"Shuei, forgive me for asking."

Shuei burst out laughing.
"It's alright. It started as a misunderstanding, and the name somehow stuck. It's not what you think, Lord Reishin. I'm a comfortable average. My turn now – what's yours, Lord Reishin?"

Reishin's cheeks turned a pretty pink.
"Precious."

"That's really sweet, Lord Reishin."
Koyu smiled warmly, in spite of his embarrassment.

Shuei agreed, nodding.
"It has my vote for the best pet-name. Precious indeed!"

"Not when you know how it was arrived at."
Giving his lover a side-long glare, Reishin fanned himself vigorously.

Two voices asked as one.
"Lord Kijin?"

Before Kijin could respond, Shoka cut in.
"I know this one. The hint is in his profession. Secretary Ko is the Minister of Finance. He can't get too far from economic principles."

"Economic principles? For an intimate name?"
Koyu's pale grey eyes opened wide in undisguised shock.

Shuei raised his right hand.
"I'll try! The principle of demand and supply. A commodity becomes precious when there's a great demand for it."

Grinning, Shuei continued.
"And from all accounts, Lord Kijin makes great demands on this particular commodity."

Koyu blushed. Reishin half-smiled. Shoka and Kijin laughed long and hard.

"Good try, Shuei. But it wouldn't explain Reishin's quarrel with the name, would it? Lord Shoka, I'll leave you to tell the boys."

"Oh no, you don't, Ko Kijin! If you won't say it, I will. Leave Brother Shoka out of this."

Reishin turned to Koyu and Shuei, his face an inscrutable mask.
"You picked the wrong half of the equation, Shuei. The answer lies in the supply factor. A commodity becomes precious when there's very little of it."

Reishin mentally counted the seconds.
One . . . Two . . .

"Good grief! Lord Kijin, you're awful!"

Reishin pouted in satisfaction.
"Thank you, Shuei."

"Aww, come on, Dumpling, at least it SOUNDS better than Tiny!"
Tugging at Reishin's sleeve, Kijin cooed seductively.
"If you prefer, we'll adopt Shuei's theory. I promise to make even greater demands on your commodity."

Having teased a response out of Reishin, Kijin caressed the smile with his thumb.

Shoka cleared his throat very loudly.
"Oi, you two Ministers. Rein in Monster and Precious, will you? We're having a family meal here!"

[The End]

Notes :

(1) Koyu's unpresentable habit of talking with his mouth full is a reference to anime Season 1 Episode 4. Koyu, with a mouthful of manju, was speculating on the identity of the Black Wolf, and Shuei said to Koyu, "Do you mind not talking with your mouth full?"

(2) The reference to Kijin's "monster" is found in chapter 2 of KI-JIN.

(3) The fight in which Shoka got an eyeful of the exposed Kijin is found in Gamble.

(4) The "one-time" when Koyu saw Kijin's Monster is found in If Only . . .

(5) The misunderstanding that led to the pet-name Tiny is found in Tiny.