TITLE: And isn't that Beautiful
RATING: R to be safe
PAIRING: Harry/Draco with some Harry/Ginny
DISCLAIMER: I do not own this fandom obviously.
SUMMARY: I love you, he whispers to Draco in the dark. He means it. (It's worth exactly nothing to the world, but everything to him).
WORD COUNT: 1813
A/N: Set during the sixth book.
----------
The thing with Draco Malfoy is that he's like a leaf in Autumn – dying and vibrant and destined to fall. Harry sometimes wishes he could stand and wait under the tree with his arms open to stop him from crashing. But you can't stop destiny, can you? He learnt that one a long time ago.
---
When he's with Ginny he feels like he's flying. She holds onto his hand and pulls him to the sky like the angel that she is. Her hair glows and her laugh is magic and with her he feels like he might be free.
The feeling never lasts long.
She'll turn away or he'll pull back and soon enough she's flying on without him. She always comes back, but by then it's too late. He pulls his hand away and Ginny isn't strong enough to hold on. It's for the best, he thinks. That this beautiful thing gets to stay pure. He'd ruin her just like he's ruined everyone else who loves him.
---
And maybe that's what makes Draco Malfoy so special. He managed to destroy himself.
---
Ginny tries to hold on. He understands why. They love each other, they really do. Whenever someone asks about them, Ginny will always grin that ridiculously bright grin of hers that blazes through his heart and say that they're brilliant. They're In Love, like it's something that will conquer everything. Which is so unbelievably wrong that most of the time he wants to scream. But instead he smiles and runs away as quickly as possible.
Ginny runs after him. Always. When he leaves, she follows. When he jumps into the abyss, she jumps too. He tries to stop her. Tries to explain that one day he's going to fall and never come back up, and when that happens she can't be with him. She doesn't understand. She won't.
It's a war, he screams. It's a fucking war that love won't win over.
He tells her she's being stupid, believing that their love will solve everything. It didn't work for his parents or Neville's and it's not going to work for them either.
Let me go, he screams. Please. He shoves her away and she pulls him back in.
No, never, she replies. And that's when he stops loving her.
---
Draco would let him go. He knows that. They're not together now and somehow he doesn't think that they'll ever be because neither of them are stupid or naïve. But if they were, if they were happy and In Love and Harry had to leave one day, Draco would let him.
Harry knows this because he watches Draco all the time and Draco watches back.
Choose me. He can see those words in Draco's eyes. They reflect in his too. Choose me, they say.
Harry wants to. He thinks that maybe he already has.
Because Draco would give him up if he had too. Harry would hate him for it, but that's not the point. Draco understands. And for that he'll always love him. (Just not in the In Love kind of way because that's not real).
---
He makes love to her for the first time in August. It's soft and tender and so fucking beautiful that his heart twists like someone squeezing the water out of a drenched cloth. Turning and turning until there's no blood left to pump through him. When it's all over he can't feel anything anymore, and that's a bit of a relief, really. Ginny whispers, I Love you, into his ear and he thinks he says it back. He means it.
It's worth exactly nothing.
---
Draco fucks him like he's something to be broken and shredded. He takes him everywhere, the table, the wall, the floor. He grabs Harry's wrists and shoves them over Harry's head like he's being owned and branded. They fuck like there's no tomorrow (and in their case, there may not be). Harry screams every time Draco pushes into him and Draco rakes his nails down Harry's sides until he draws blood.
They're both broken and fucked up and neither pretends to be otherwise. They rip each other open even more for good measure because they think that maybe this is the way to heal. To destroy anything they have left so that they can rebuild from scratch. (It's just a fantasy).
When it's all over, all Harry can do is feel but he's not sure whether to laugh or bawl his eyes out. He thinks he ends up doing both. He thinks that Draco may have as well. But then it's time to leave and go back to the Real World. Draco gets up to leave first and Harry knows that he's going back to the Room of Requirement. (He doesn't ask, he never does. He never will, until it's too late).
Harry leaves two minutes later. He has a meeting with Dumbledore. (And how fucked up is this?)
---
He knows that Ginny would jump in the line of fire for him. He dreams of it all the time. Voldermort throwing the killing curse and Ginny fucking jumping in front of him because that's just how she is. It's what makes her beautiful and wonderful and incredibly stupid because she doesn't understand that dying for him is worth shit. He's destined to die, he thinks. It's not teen angst and it sure as hell isn't depression. It's his friends thinking that he's too young to be a soldier. It's the prophecy that gives him a fifty percent chance of dying. It's the way Draco once asked him, we're not going to make it, are we? (It's not a question.) That's when he stops trying to figure out what Draco is doing in the Room of Requirement. He knows what's coming.
That's also when he breaks up with Ginny. Because Ginny will fight tooth and nail for him; jump into the fire and scream and scream but never step out if it means saving him. Her love for him is fucking Shakespearean because life without him is worth nothing. She doesn't understand that this is what would kill him.
---
Draco would stand to the side and watch Harry burn. Once he was ashes, Draco would step into the fire after him. He wouldn't scream. He wouldn't even cry. Instead he would bend down as the flames charred him into blackness and scoop up a handful of ashes. He would die clutching onto the last part of Harry that is left.
And this is what love is.
---
Ginny always comes up to him and tells him that they can go back to being the way they were. Happy and In Love and fucking stupid. There's no going back, he tells her. I don't love you anymore.
Why, she asks, tears stinging her eyes, what did I do?
Everything, he tells her. And that's the point.
---
He's surprised when Draco interrupts their conversation.
"Hi, honey, how was your day?" He asks dryly.
And it's so absurd that Harry bursts out laughing because that's what Draco does. He makes him feel, no matter how inappropriate it is.
Ginny gawps and he can tell when she finally understands. When she runs off crying, Harry doesn't look back. Instead he looks up at Draco and continues chuckling.
They're not idiots. They know they're doomed. But it's okay to be happy with the time they have, no matter how limited it may be. Draco taught him that.
(Still, he has this sudden urge to fight harder now. And isn't that beautiful.)
---
It doesn't take long for the feelings come back. Like Draco is holding on when he shouldn't be. Just like Ginny, he thinks.
Let go, he starts screaming again. Please let me go.
No, never, Draco replies, holding Harry tightly to his chest. Not a fucking chance.
Harry clings on. He cries and hits Draco on the chest but he doesn't let go either. Not a fucking chance.
---
I love you, he whispers to Draco in the dark. He means it. (It's worth exactly nothing to the world, but everything to him).
Fuck you, Draco replies. After a pause, I love you too.
Harry smiles and tears sting his eyes a little. Their happy ending is here and it's not going to last. Their happy ending will leave like the wind brushing by and soon they will be left with nothing.
(But maybe that means that they can rebuild).
Draco turns around and holds him close. They kiss for a minute before Draco gets up to leave. Room of Requirement again. Only tonight is different. Before he walks out the door, Draco turns around to look at him.
"It starts tonight."
And that's enough warning for Harry to be out of bed. Draco's finally chosen and all Harry can do is whisper thank you into his lips before rushing off to Dumbledore.
---
It's not enough. A lot of people die. He staggers around in a haze. Everything is blurry and he's so exhausted he thinks he might pass out, but he doesn't stop walking. Voldermort's dead, he tells himself. That's what counts. Except now he'll never hear Fred and George finish each other's sentences. Now he'll never hear the snap of Colin Creevey's camera. Now Remus and Tonks will never dance at their son's wedding.
There are a lot of survivors. More then there would have been if Draco hadn't warned him. But there's still blood on his hands that will never wash off (and he used to think that Lady Macbeth was a tad too dramatic. He knows better now.)
He looks around frantically as he walks through pools of blood. It's not until he reaches the Great Hall that he sees the shock of blonde hair and that's when he finally breaks down and starts crying. Because he's alive and hugging his parents and oh fucking hell.
He's crying so hard that screams of anguish and relief start coming out of his throat and he collapses onto his knees. He feels arms go around him but they're not the right ones. Hermione's or Ron's but it's all wrong. He feels them being pushed away and replaced by someone else's, and warmth seeps through his skin and hot breath hits his neck.
It's fucking wonderful and it takes him almost twelve minutes to stop crying.
---
When he does finally stop, he looks up into the eyes that keep him fighting. Draco is bruised and battered and he has blood on his hands too.
All for you.
It's ridiculous, but after a minute of staring at each other and thinking just how the fuck did this happen, they start laughing and crying at the same time
(and maybe that means that they're actually doing the rebuilding thing. He never saw that one coming.)