I clutched my rosary as I knelt. Wearing my silk and lace red slip. The cool wood against my knees. i looked out into the dark night. I take a breath and close my eyes as I close both my hands around the rosary beads. The crucifix dangling from the small gap between my hands.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Hail Mary, mother of god pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

I cross myself as I finish the prayer, my eyes remained closed for a moment longer. I slowly open my eyes and the stars twinkle down at me. A soft smile plays along my lips. I stand and walk to my duchess. I placed my headdress on over my soft blonde curls making sure to tuck my hair in leaving a small amount of hair around my face. I reach into my draw and pull out a small vial of Bal a versailles. I take the small lid of and inhale the fragrance. Before placing my fingers over the opening and moistening my fingers. I run my damp finger down along my neck. My eyes fluttering closed. My mind imagined a mans hands tracing soft, small circles upon my flesh. The gentle caresses dipping between my breasts. I shake my head slightly as I bring my mind back to the present. I close the lid on the perfume and slip it back into my drawer. I close my drawer and walk over to my bed licking my habit up. I button up my habit. I walk downstairs to the kitchen my heels clicking along the ground. It was of course Friday evening which meant that the Monsignor would be joining me for dinner. Whenever he joined me I always made Coq au Vin. I tie an apron around my waist tying it in a knot behind my back. I grabbed the recipe book and set it down open to the page. I'd made this many times before and knew the recipe by heart but with the way my mind had been wandering recently I thought it wise to have the recipe to follow. I grabbed the knife, board and onions and began to cut them. I flicked the record player on and the sounds of Italian opera filled the kitchen. Cutting the onions my eyes watered from the spray of acids in the air but the small smile never left my lips.

I placed the chicken in a pan to cook pouring the rich wine and setting it a light as I sautéed the mushrooms to perfection. I was never one to cook very much but there was something soothing about it and satisfying to see the end result. While the food slowly cooked I spread the white linen cloth over the table smoothing out the creases. Setting our plates a little closer than would seem appropriate but he'd never said anything before and I enjoyed the nearness of him. The small but almost intimate setting of the table caused me to imagine a different life. Where Timothy was not a priest and I was not a nun, the only thing I missed from my old life was a mans touch. The way his hands could run across my skin and raise goosebumps if he brushed along a sensitive spot of skin, warm breath upon my neck. I blinked a couple of times to pull myself back to reality. I had given my body to Christ. I'd made a vow to him. I would pray for forgiveness after dinner for having such thoughts but for now I knew it was a short whole until the Monsignor arrived. I served out a small portion each and covered it so it would stay warm. Three sharp taps on the door alerted me that he was here. Punctual as always. I take a sip of water to try and calm myself. The heat coursing threw my body was most unwelcome at this moment. I pulled the apron from my body as I walked to the door opening it to find Timothy smiling. I offered a small smile in return.

"Ah, good evening Sister Jude."

"Evening Monsignor. Dinner is ready."

He stepped inside and nodded.

"Wonderful, shall we?"

I grabbed the plates and set them down. Timothy remained standing until I took a seat at the table, ever the gentleman. He chuckled happily as he ate his meal. I was eating slower than. Usual my mind plagued by images of Timothy and then the haunting thoughts of what Dr Arden was up to kept bombarding me. He wiped his mouth.

"You are a Rara Avis, Sister Jude."

I stopped cutting and looked up at him.

"What does that mean?"

I pushed a piece of chicken on my plate. I looked back up at him. He was looking straight into my eyes.

"It means 'rare bird' in Latin."

I smiled slightly as he went back to eating. I decided that playful banter before bringing his attention to what plagued my mind would be the best way to get answers from him. Or at least I hoped.

"And it's a ... Compliment or a criticism?"

I paused waiting for his answer as I placed both my hands in my lap, fiddling with my ring slightly.

"It's a compliment."

He grabbed the bottle of wine. I blushed and smiled.

"Most women of the cloth feel they have to deny all sensory life when they take their vows."

I watched him pour himself a glass of wine. Making me lose focus slightly. He reached over and was about to pour me a glass. I quickly placed my hand over the empty glass. He looked at me slightly confused.

"No."

He pulled the bottle away and I shook my head. How dearly I did want to drink the wine. To taste more than the small a mouth used in the preparations of cooking. To feel the liquid slide down my throat. It would probably make it easier for me to broach the subject of Dr Arden and his lab, give me a little courage. But unfortunately I had renounced spirits because they were the reason for many terrible things in my life.

"I've renounced spirits."

I looked back at my plate trying to keep my gaze away from the dark red liquid. Knowing that I could very well crack and drink it.

"Are you sure? Your cooking reveals and almost decadent palate."

He smiled at me as he placed the wine away from me. I blushed slightly looking down.

"Decadent. Is that a subtle reprimand, Father?"

I tease him slightly, a smile upon my lips. Somehow he always had me smiling. It was something I too, great comfort in.

"You know me better than that. I always say what I mean. I'd appreciate the same from you."

I was caught in his gaze as he sipped the wine. I chuckled slightly.

"As usual you have seen right through me, father."

This was the opening I needed. It was the perfect moment but if I let myself enjoy this to much I would never broach the subject.

"When you put me in charge here, I thought your faith in me was based on our mutually shared vision of madness as a spiritual crisis - an absence of god."

"That remains true."

"I want to know where you found Dr Arden. He is not a man of god."

I spoke a little more sternly hoping if I was authoritative enough he would tell me what I wanted to know.

"Church approved him. He was sent here by people better equipped to judge his godliness than you."

His tone was clipped. I licked my lips and sighed. Frustration starting to seep out of me.

"Say what you will. Your rare bird has a nose for rodents."

"You mustn't be so fearful. After all it was god created both science and heaven. God put the idea in a doctor's head to create the antibiotic that cured tuberculosis. These are amazing times. If you look at it in another light -"

"There is no other light."

I was almost seething. How could he not see.

"We're literally almost on the moon. Our dear departed John F. Kennedy- a catholic- was elected president."

I was glaring as he went on. How are they the same. I'm talking about Dr. Arden not the president. He was looking rather pleased with himself.

"This is a time when anything can happen if someone wants it enough."

"But what on earth do we want if not to save souls?"

He dropped my gaze for a moment. He leant forward. Sudden,y I felt his hand brush against my thigh as he clasped my hand in his. My lips parted slightly releasing a shaking breath. Placing it on the table and stroking my hand lightly.

"Here's what I want."

His eyes closed and his voice softened as his thumb ran along my skin making my whole body radiate.

"I want this institution to become a place of such promise and renown that we are asked to be cardinal of New York."

"We?"

He looked back into my eyes making me shiver slightly.

"Wherever I go, you go. You're my right hand."

I placed my hand over my heart before my fingers started toying the the buttons on my habit.

"You'll become mother superior, overseeing thousands of nuns who will address you as Reverend Mother. And then with god and you on my side."

His breathing increased as I drew my hand out of his and unbuttoned the first couple of buttons on my habit.

"I see no reason why I couldn't ascend to the office of first Anglo-American pope."

I used my hands to pry my white shirt open revealing my chest but still hiding the red slip I wore underneath. His eyes glued to my body.

"You'd enjoy Rome wouldn't you sister?"

I pulled the head dress of throwing it to the floor. I reached behind my head and pulled the pins that held my hair up. Slightly shaking my hair so it fell loosely framing my face. I looked at Timothy who now had wide eyes. I stood and opened my habit revealing the red slip. His lips parted as he turned his body to face me. I pulled my habit off and let it fall to the ground silently. Slowly I walked over lifting the slip with one hand exposing a small amount of my thighs. I brushed my leg against his calf as I placed a hand on his shoulder as I lowered myself into his lap. He ran his hand along mine up my arm as I wrapped my arms around his neck. His eyes followed his hands path along my flesh before he tangled his finger in my hair. I placed my hand on the side of his face as my eyes fluttered closed. Suddenly I was brought back to a crashing reality as his hand slipped from mine.

"I need you to be a team player. The doctor needs full oversight of his domain. You look after yours."

His voice was slightly stern leaving no room for further argument on the matter. I ran my hands along my habit. I sat shocked into silence from how startlingly real that had felt. Maybe the wine in the food was affecting me more than I would care to admit. Timothy continued to eat with a smile upon his lips. He glanced at me and I quickly smiled and continued eating. They way he had caressed my hand, his eyes closed, the way his voice lowered all had lead me to that fantasy. I would have to pray for a lot of forgiveness for those thoughts but I would do so happily. They were sinfully delicious which is what troubled me most. Why had I chosen the life of a nun when my desire for flesh was clearly still apparent. I had gone years without touch and my craving for it seemed to be getting stronger, especially in Timothy's presence.