(I own nothing but myself and my own ideas, memories, and opinions. And fair warning: I tend to take artistic license and run with it. Like Forrest Gump. So expect breaks in structure, format, and formality. Often. Ish.)
What Happens When You Blink:
the How and Why of Cloud Strife
Disclaimer: Alright, well, if the title and summary haven't already tipped you off, this is not your average fanfic. It's not exactly a summary or a discussion, but not quite a character study or thesis. Honestly, I'm not even sure what this is exactly. But I can tell you why I'm writing it.
I was hanging out with some old friends and a few new acquaintances, and the topic of Final Fantasy VII was brought up. (Not by me, for once.) I quickly realized we had two very different viewpoints on the series, and after further conversation, I came to understand that that reason lay in the fact that this acquaintance was a fan solely of the original game, and absolutely hated Advent Children. As someone whose first experience with Final Fantasy at all was with Advent Children, I was shocked. When I asked why, I was told that it was due to disbelief in the actions and reasoning behind the changes and behavior in Cloud from game to movie, and lack of understanding as to why he was so "emo all of a sudden". Again, I was shocked. My entire love of Final Fantasy came from those exact reasons. So it got me thinking—always a dangerous pastime—and this is what I feel I've discovered. I warn you, that the following is introspective, raw, emotional, and strange, because that is the reality it is based in. If you're looking for fluff, this is not for you—not yet. But if you're looking for a place to find a piece of a life that you can take and hold on to, to love so that you can start to love yourself and your world a little bit more, then I hope you can find it here. So read, and search, love and understand, laugh, cry, smile, and live. Fly with grace, dear souls, and take all my love to hold you.
The Beginning
My tale begins on August 30, 2006. I was 15, bored, and sitting in Trigonometry next to my best friend. My name called over the intercom shocks me out of my daydreams and into the harsh world of reality, and as Kelly leans over and whispers "lucky" to me jealously, I realize something is very, horribly wrong. I walk down the silent halls to where my father is waiting to check me out, my mind freezing as the sounds of my hesitant footsteps and racing heart fill my ears. I see my father standing at the end of the hall, and my heart hits the floor. I know. I want to run into the cafeteria, where the last lunch period is about to end, shake the people laughing and joking like their world hasn't just shattered. I want to lose myself in the throng of people, like if I stay there forever and don't walk outside with my father, none of this will be real. I take the smallest, shortest steps I can, but none of it is enough. Time has to move forward, and so do I, and it's all too soon that I'm standing next to my father. He takes my bag silently. 'Why won't he look at me…?' He waits until we're out of sight of the other students before he leans down and whispers the words that ripped open my heart and killed a part of my soul. "MaMa passed away this morning…" My knees buckled and the trip home was a blur. How did this happen? How could it? And so suddenly? My grandmother, my closest friend, my trusted confidant, my steadfast ally, my gentle, sweet, loving grandma… the rock in my otherwise crazy life, was gone. Just like that.
To this day, I've never cried so much in my life.
Cloud Strife had never had it easy. Growing up, it was always just him and his mother. His father had died when he was three, and his mother had to work hard to support the two of them. It had always been just them, united against the world as they were left to fend for themselves in a small little town tucked snugly in the frigid mountains, isolated by terrain, climate, and fiendish, monstrous neighbors. While the adults of the town were usually polite, no one was ever really friendly. The other kids only ever paid him attention when they were looking for a scapegoat or a punching bag, but the words and bruises never hurt as much as knowing none of them wanted him around. No one except his mother. At least not until the day the woman next door died and he and his mother had gone over to offer condolences. That was the first day the girl next door seemed to notice he was alive. The first day she included him among her friends, the first time he spent time with her. It made him feel… protective, responsible for her… even when the rest of the village blamed him for her injuries from the accident, tried to keep him away from her. He finally had a friend… a real friend. Someone he wanted to protect, to keep from ever getting hurt again… someone he wanted to be a hero for, just like his mom and General Sephiroth were for him. That was when he decided. Just before New Year's, a few months after his fourteenth birthday, he told his two best—only— friends he was leaving, promising to return to them a hero. That was when he left everything and everyone he knew and loved behind, traveled across an ocean to live in a strange city with a floating plate and spent night and day working towards his dream of joining SOLDIER and becoming a hero for his mother and his friend. But after almost two years of hard work, various missions, the teasing from his fellow guards, and somehow making a best friend in a SOLDIER First Class, he still hadn't made it past cadet, and when he finally got to meet his childhood hero, all it did was reinforce how far he'd ended up from where he'd wanted to be. It was with mixed feelings that he walked back through the gates to his hometown, his best friend Zack coaxing him along jokingly. It took Zack's friendly cajoling to get him to finally walk into his old home and see his mother, and it took all his love of her just to admit that he had failed in his promise. Nowhere else did he show his face underneath his cadets' helmet. Especially not to the friend he'd promised to protect and returned to a failure. It was one of the hardest weeks of his life. He had his failure rubbed in his face at every turn, and then on a simple, routine check of a simple, damn mako reactor, everything had changed, gone wrong, gone insane. He'd watched as his childhood hero transformed, became the monster he'd been told he was. Watched as that monster, the monster who'd once been a man, a man he trusted, destroyed his old life, and in a single night turned everything he knew and loved, hoped and dreamed for, into ashes. He'd heard the screams, seen the flames reflected in the blood soaked into the ground, seen his mother… watched as his two best friends raced after the rogue general, gotten there too late to keep them from being hurt… He'd failed his promise, failed everything, everyone. He had just one chance to redeem himself, to make the loss worth more than nothing. So he'd taken the sword of his fallen friend and killed his hero, almost dying himself in the attempt. The last thing he remembered was collapsing a few feet away from where Zack lay motionless, terrified at not knowing whether his only two friends left were even still alive. The next thing he knew, he was standing in the desert miles outside of Midgar, a sword clutched in his hands, blood on his face, and a tangled jumble of hazy memories that he couldn't piece together. It took him months, with help from his old friend, to remember enough to feel whole, and in that time he got pulled into a race to save the world from his old hero, now his greatest enemy. He saw countless casualties in a pointless war, and watched as one of his closest friends, the only person who could remind him of a life he couldn't remember, was killed, right in front of his eyes, and once again, he couldn't do anything to save her. He didn't even have time to grieve, as the clock was counting down, every second bringing them closer to the destruction of the planet. And again he failed. He couldn't fight the voices in his head, the numbness that came with them, and it was his fault the "red moon" was falling as he slipped into a dazed, familiar nightmare. One that his old friend found him in, and helped him put back the pieces of his broken mind. His life had been a lie, the last year he'd been living as a man he owed his life to, and instead of remembering him as a hero, he'd forgotten him entirely. He'd taken credit that belonged to his best friend, and had forgotten all his failures. But not even now did he have time to apologize, to grieve. Meteor was falling, and it was his fault, and they had a matter of days to stop it. He threw himself into the fight to save the planet, because he had to make it right, for the sake of everyone he forgot, for his old friend, and for her, because this was what she'd died for. So he fought, and—somehow—he lived. He lived to see the destruction of that fateful night in the light of day, see the faces of the people who'd lost everything because of something they didn't even understand, and he lived to see those who hadn't been so lucky. He lived. And they didn't. And once the battle ended, there was nothing left to do but clean up and rebuild.
Rebuild, and remember.