Sometimes, kismet comes just a little too late.

"Jane, do you think it is safe to bring him with us? We have no way of knowing how he'll react. We need to be discreet. I don't trust him enough to believe he has the self control…"

They were speaking of me like I wasn't in the room. This subtly registered with me that it was rude. But only for a second. I was too busy picking their thoughts, listening to things they wouldn't dare say out loud, wondering, if maybe Felix was right. What would happen if they took me with them, back to the one place I swore I would never return? But that promise was sort of pointless anymore, since she was…

Stop. I had to force myself back to their conversation before my thoughts took completely over. Ha, I laughed to myself. Like there would ever be a second of the day where she wasn't in my head. Never. But I had to ask myself, why exactly was I so willing to return? Why did I feel I need it so badly? Closure, perhaps?

No. Now I was lying to myself. I knew the only reason I wanted to return was to see for myself. To vainly prove that it was not true. That my worst nightmare had actually not occurred, leaving me on this planet, more alone than I had ever been. As absurd as this thought path may be, I knew I needed to go back to my former home. One last time… I sort of began looking at it as a goodbye. Goodbye to the life I almost lived. With the girl who was the truest of loves; my soul mate. Ha, I laughed again in my mind. Maybe Carlisle's theories were wearing off on me.

I knew, if they took me with them, this would be my last look at the one place that was truly home to me. I had a romantic notion in my head, that this would be the place of my demise, the last place she has existed, where I would come to an end as well.

I turned my attention back to the conversation, which, literally meant life or death to me.

Felix seemed, agitated. Something about the look in my eyes made him not trust me. He didn't think I could "handle" this little trip. He thought I would be the same as I had been when I first came to Volterra, almost a half a year ago.

If only he knew that I planned on never returning.

I'll admit, I was unnecessarily difficult in the beginning. And unrightfully so. While the Volturi bothered me more than almost anything else in our world, they did not deserve my bad behavior. I was upset with myself. Of all the days that my self-conscience should bring up that promise, it had to have been the worst. "You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" She had yelled at me. "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!"

I remember that moment perfectly. I had just spoken to Aro, asking him to die. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, her angry, beautiful voice rushed back into my head, filling it with the command she had given me. Just by hearing her words, I felt like I might die right then and there. Even though I had never agreed to the promise, I felt compelled to obey.

Once I knew that Aro would never agree to help me, I needed to think of something else. A distraction, or at least an attempt at one. Although, deep down, I knew not even the most drastic change of scenery could make me forget her. But I had to try someting. I couldn't return home, to my family who loved me no matter what I put them through. It wasn't fair to them, to have to watch me, day after day, slowly lose the fight of my will to continue. It broke their hearts more than I could probably imagine.

Esme jumped into my thoughts just then, her facial expression mirroring the same as the last time I had seen her. She had tried to be so brave, put on the strong face so I wouldn't see how much I had hurt her. It didn't help her cause that I could read every thought that ran through her head in that moment. But it wasn't what she was thinking that makes this memory so unbearable. It was the pain… the pain in her eyes that she couldn't hide, no matter how hard she tried. She loved me like a son, and I had managed to hurt her more than anyone. Well, with one exception.

I must admit, Esme was part of the reason I was here… alive. While the command was the dominant explanation for me still existing, I knew that it would kill Esme to know that I had ended my existence. I know it wouldn't literally kill her, but her joy would be forever gone. The rest of my family too. Although nothing could really bring down Alice, I was certain this would. Emmet too, which would put Rose in a horrible mood for the rest of eternity. No, I certainly could not do that to my family. They deserved so much more than that.

Just then, Jane turned to look at me, her wide, childlike eyes gazing into mine.

"No, I trust him," she said, glancing at Felix for a fraction of a second before returning her eyes to mine. "Bring him. I'm sure he'll be useful."

It was the closest thing to joy that I had come to in months.