The Toy Car

by Ronandchicken

When Ron and Harry crash into the Whomping Willow in the Playstation game, anyway... that's where this started!... but from the tree's POV! Fun to write woo hoo. I warn you, though, I was pretty high off of a candleI abstain from drug usage so it's a litt

The Toy Car
A day in the life of the Whomping Willow, inspired by HP2 for Playstation (thanks Elaine! You will get a bigger part in my bio I promise!)
By Ronandchicken
NOTE: Some events in this DO NOT happen in the book. It is strictly (or loosely, really, depending on how you look at it) based on the game and our wild imaginations that day (I mean who knew sniffing that candle would make us high, eh?)
PG – But I warn you! Mild language ;-)

            People wonder why I whomp.
            September 1, 1992 is the date. I am sitting all alone over here with my ass in a hole in the ground. Been like that for years. People call me the Whomping Willow. Might have something to do with my attempting to mutilate and sever the heads of all who get near me, and you would too with your ass in a hole for years and years and years and... years. Well, at least unless they touch that special spot on my trunk... ah just sends shivers up the bark... yeah ooh yeah.

            But anyway, today was no fun because it was raining. Or well it had been before. Not it had cleared up a bit. And it was the first day of the school with those snotty little children running around. None of them do me the curtsey of touching that spot...

            So anyway I was just settling down to sleep when I hear this "Pfft patta patta pfft pfft" and this blue thing—cars, yes, it was a car—came flying at me. And inside were two boys, seconds year, I knew, because I saw them for the first time last year. So it was heading for me and I could hear "Stop stop!" from some kid who sounded like he needed a tissue.
            Then they crashed into me. And, not only am I mad enough to hit them real good, but it's my job. So I do it anyway. So this kid with all-over-the-place black hair goes flying out and I think, holy shit, I've killed him! As the for tissue kid (who had orange hair), he was still inside the car. Mwahahahaha.

            So when black-hair wakes up from falling outta the car and asks for Ron. What an odd name. I myself go by Boopachupawapa. Say it with me:
            BOO-PAA-CHOO-PAA-WAA-PAA
            Very good. So what odd names, really.

            "Ron! Ron where are you?"
            "Over here, Harry!"
            Ok so tissue boy is Ron and blackie is Harry.

            So anyway blackie's running around picking up these three little brown frogs hopping around on the ground and eating them. Honestly. I knew humans were weird, but not that weird. So I picked up the car and started attempting to bang blackie with it. I always wanted a toy car, but no one would ever give me one. Gee this was bloody fun. Oh crap! I think I smashed a window! Gonna need glue for that if it's to hold through all our games!
            So apparently the models (blackie and tissue boy) came with sound effects for gory battles between car and human.

            "Argh! Ow! Ouch! Ah! AHH HELP HARRY AHH!! Oiyeee!" are just a few.

            BANG BANG BANG I'm having lots of fun!
            All of a sudden:
            WHOOSH! Hmm apparently the little blackie figure can move! I think it hit my mouth with something. Dude! That's so cheap! No blowing up Whompy's canker sores! Well, finally, he exploded all of them, so I technically 'died', after all, when they stick your ass in a hole you have to sign a contract and everything and there was the fine print: once all oral faults have been ruptured in some way or another, you MUST GIVE UP!
            Well, I don't want to get fired, however much I hate this job. Work is so hard to find for Whomping Willows these days.

            Anyway tissue boy ran outta the car (wand doing little spurts and making sound effects, holy crap how well are they programmed eh?) and he and blackie made for the castle only to be caught by Mr. Greasy, or whatever you call him. Yes yes yes! Bring my toys back and WHAT THE FUCK?! He's taking tissue boy and blackie to the castle! Away from me! NOO! CAN NOT PART! BRING THEM BACK!!    NOT AGAIN!!!!
            Oh well. Parting is such fucking sorrow.

            Well, as the Willows back home say, there's always next day-when-the-snotty-kids-come-aproximately-one-human-year-from-now. Yeah.

            Until a tree barks,

            TWW
            P.S. May I mention multiple branches shall need to be in a sling or cast for a good while? Really, delivery boys are so irresponsible these days.