Author's Note: Okay, before I get a thousand very stupid people flaming me, I'd like to say this: This is a PARODY. So no, I haven't gone crazy, it's supposed to be stupid, and OOC.

General Disclaimer For Whole Story: I do not own Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn/Midnight Sun/Forever Dawn, dog whistles, Cheetos, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Final Fantasy, Hamtaro, McDonalds, Coke, Root Beer, Vampire Kisses (Book Series), Nail Polish Remover, I Know Who Killed Me (Movie), Free will, or Edward's pants.

Claimer: I own Luca (who isn't really a mary-sue, and doesn't look or act like that), Blaine, Aubrey, Kate, and Stephan. No, you can't use them.

General Warnings, I will add more as we go: Sexual references, implied slash (guyxguy), Swearing, minor Jacob bashing, general corniness, and making fun of myself, and every other person who has ever written a Twilight fanfiction.

Update 11/22/09: This story is extremely old, and really is no longer a valid representation of my writing. There are a lot of mistakes and such and you're free to point them out if you feel the need, but chances are I already know and it's something I've fixed in my current writing.

Mass-Production
Chapter 1
Introduction

Imiagine, you just got home. It's been a hard day at school/work/my mom's house/the street corner asking for dimes/laboratory, so you boot up the computer, and head straight for Fanfiction (dot) net. You quickly scamper to the Twilight section, eager to read the new stories that those lazy-asses wrote, honstantly, don't you people have lives to get to? No? Oh...okay.

Anyway, you scan the page, only to find that every story has something to do Aro's granddaughter, because of course Vampires can have children, Bella being pregnant, because even though Edward would kill her they screwed eachother anyway, or Edward leaving Bella, which, btw, he promised he'd never do again, or Bella forgetting absoloutly everything AND being pregnant, even though it's impossible to forget everything that's happened to you, for more then a few hours, and that can only happen to middle-aged people anyway, and mary-sues!

'Wow,' You think to yourself, 'have a horde of very stupid and bloodthirsty alien monkey potatos taken over FF?'

No, unfortunately, they have not. These people actually call themselves "Humans," whatever that is. All I know is that I, Luca Trinity, daughter of Billy Black and Bill Gates, super-rich and absoloutly beautiful, and all-powerful witch, must stop th-

"Why the hell is a mary-sue nagging mary-sues?" A random voice suddenly yelled, and Luca quickly bashed them over the head with a shovel.

"SHUT UP! THIS IS MY STORY!" She screamed at the, possibly dead, body. She quickly turned around, smiling again. "As I was saying, I, Luca Trinity, must stop them!" She nodded, satisfied, and ran off before the fanfic writers, who were all really just crazy female teenagers who wanted to make out with Edward Cullen, could burn her at the stake for making fun of them.

"Wow." Bella whispered, staring at Jacob Black's half sister. "How can two guys have a kid?" She suddenly pondered, looking up at her vampire boyfriend, Aubrey Firth. They got together shortly after Edward left. Again. Even though Edward promised he wouldn't leave.

"Dunno," Was Aubrey's quiet response, because Aubrey was always quiet. And gothic. So therefore he worships Satan. Because he likes black. Damn atheists.

"HEYHEYHEY! WHY ARE YOU FILMING THEM FILM ME! FILMME!" Luca screamed, jumping up and down insanely, trying to grab the camera, "I'm cooler! And I'm wearing a cape, who doesn't love capes?!!??!" She continued to scream, but no one paid any attention. Though she could've sworn she heard the (possibly) dead body from before sceam, "No one likes a mary-sue!"

"SHUTUPMYSTORY! WHERE'S THE DAMN CAMERA!?!?!" She then began running around in circles, like a chicken with it's head cut off.

"Wow." Bella whispered, staring at Jacob Black's half sister, again. "Seriously, how can two guys have a kid?" And looked up at her vampire boyfriend again, all though this time it was Edward Cullen, because he suddenly decided to re-appear and though Bella has a brand new life and is completely different then before, she fell back in his arms anyway.

"Whatever." He responded, because as we all know Edward says whatever.

"OHEDWARDILOVEYOUMAKELOVETOME!" She screamed out of no where, and Edward, being the gentleman he is was about to comply when he realized it hadn't been Bella screaming. It was the fangirls.

"Oh shit." He whispered, and took off.

"OMCEDWARDEDWARDEDWARD! ILOVEYOU!" The same girl yelled, and rushed off after him, and they were followed by insane rabid fangirls, all screaming. "ILOVEYOU! YOU'REHOT! CANIHAVEYOURHALFVAMPIEBABIES?"

"Oh..." Bella murmured, sadly. Her boyfriend just ran off to be with a thousand other woman. Oh well! Where'd that Aubrey kid go again?

OMC! Where'd all these fangirls come from?

"I love you!" Someone shouted, and suddenly the mob and Edward just stopped. That hadn't been a fangirl screaming...

"Ja...Jacob?" Edward asked hesitently, looking out over the crowd.

"Edward!" Jacob screamed, popping out from behind a weird 30-something year old with a bad haircut.

"Jacob!" He screamed and threw himself at the warewolf, "Oh, Jacob! I love you too!"

"Hey...wanna go make half-vampire, half-warewolf babies?" Jacob asked suddenly, and Edward nodded excitedly. And then they fell to the ground, making out. CARNAGE OF THE MOUTH. MAJOR CARNAGE OF THE MOUTH!

Bella sighed, leaning against her old new boyfriend Aubrey.

Bella's Mind: Aubrey must me worried about me, having to watch my old true love and my old best friend practically screwing with their clothes on.

Aubrey's mind: I wonder if they're interested in a threesome...

Author's Note: Eheh...I kinda got carried away...

Fangirl translations:

OHEDWARDILOVEYOUMAKELOVETOME - OH EDWARD I LOVE YOU, MAKE LOVE TO ME!

OMCEDWARDEDWARDEDWARD! ILOVEYOU! - OMC EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD! I LOVE YOU!

ILOVEYOU! YOU'REHOT! CANIHAVEYOURHALFVAMPIEBABIES? - I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE HOT! CAN I HAVE YOUR HALFVAMPIRE BABIES?