She admitted it. She was still madly in love with him. Jealously flowed through her veins as anger rushed to her fists. The realisation dawned, that chapter of her life was over and she had to move on.
Although that was the case, she couldn't. Her heart wouldn't let her. For so long she dreamt of marrying him but when she did…
The thing she couldn't understand was that it was her that broke up with him. For reasons that, back then seemed perfectly valid. How wrong was she?
But he was with her now. He was now part of a different family. How could he move on so quickly? When she still longed to be in his arms once more. Watching them together was like looking on at what could have been, what should have been. She turned to stone at the thought of them together.
She was like a single flower whose colours had turned to shades of grey. There was no going back now as she'd already lost. Lost the will to carry on and keep going. There were no more tears to cry, her eyes were dry. She had cried for every day she'd loved him.
She's regretted the past events from the last year, almost every one of them. She convinced herself that she didn't love Jack, whereas the truth was that she could never love anyone with the fraction of strength that she loved him. Her own confusion had clouded her judgement and her senses, leaving her as a blank canvas for someone to come along and mess up.
With Ash and Cam, she couldn't see what they were really like. If she was completely honest with herself, they were just replacements for Jack. Thinking of the misery and upset she put her family and friends through she felt guilty, almost responsible. She was manipulated and Jack was there to save her both times.
She always went back to the 'Buts' and 'What ifs?' but never came up with a conclusion. What if they hadn't hurried their engagement along? What if they had waited a decent amount of time between the engagement and the wedding like normal couples did? What if she hadn't chosen that barn for the reception? What if Zoë had never come back? What if she had never accepted the offer for a place on the helicopter? What if Jack wasn't a policeman? What if she wasn't so pushy? Where would they be now?
He was her first proper love, the one that you believe you've always been searching for. She confided in him and stuck by his side. She couldn't live without him for more than a couple of months when they first broke up.
A lot of time had passed by since then; since the separation; the abortion, the Rocket Club and even the signing, then ripping up of the divorce papers. She hadn't coped like everyone thought she had. When alone at night, she'd cry herself to sleep and laze around doing nothing but reminiscing.
She was completely to blame for the tension between herself and Matilda. Sharing with her was, in fact, doomed from the start. She felt guilty for the relief she felt when Mattie decided to move back home. When she was her age, she was still living on the farm, unaware of the troubles that she would face just three years and a new family later.
Jack was happy, and that's all she really cared about. When she met him, she stopped caring about herself and started caring about him. They didn't get off to a brilliant start she had to say; she thought he was the biggest jerk who took pride in handing out speeding tickets and crashing parties. Again she was wrong…
Being lost in the bush made her really think about her life, their life. She was so sure that their love would last forever, and maybe it would on her part, but Jack had already moved past that. The only thought that took away the misery, pain, starvation and fear was the dream she kept having of returning home, safe and sound, running into Jack's arms, burying her head deep inside his chest and taking in the magical scent that would always be his. She didn't have that thought now.
That's why she couldn't bear to send those divorce papers away, it was finalising everything. And she just couldn't watch their marriage crumble and disappear because of some papers with ink on them.
Even after their seaparation, she kept him as a best friend. Confiding in him whenever she wanted to. Of course, Sam spoilt that when she came along. Martha just laughed at her for being so insecure, if she knew the truth, that Martha was still completely in love with her husband, she would of actually had something to worry about. She obviously did not share the same thing with Jack that Martha did.
Trust.
Martha walked to the kitchen counter, carefully picking up the ballpoint pen lying there and grabbed the notepad beside the phone on the way there. Sitting down on the couch, she sat in deep-thought.
She would give anything, anything, to feel safe and home once more, but she would never feel that warmth and power until she was back in his arms again. If she could turn back time, she would do everything differently, down to every kiss, every late night working, and every conversation.
She missed the love. Life wasn't worth living without love.
Picking up the pen in her right hand she wrote his name on the front of an envelope before tearing a piece of paper from the notepad.
"Please forgive me," she whispered, shakily. "It's for the best."
Tears flowed from her glassy eyes onto the coffee table in front of her as she started to write.
Jack,
I'm sorry. I hope you'll understand why I needed to do this…