*emison is beautifully tragic*
*since i ventured into hannily i may as well take a journey into emison*
*title is taken from the song DEBRIS by Bright Light Bright Light & Alison Pierce*
And The Sparks That We Had Can No Longer Light Up Our Debris
"So that's it?" Ali asked. She sat down on the bed and looked up at Em feeling desperate.
"I can't do this anymore," Emily said, taking her necklace off and avoiding the eyes needed her, always needed.
"All this time. All I ever wanted was to get back here to you," she was already shaking because she had been feeling it coming for hours and days and days.
"You've been back." Emily said, walking to her dresser and fiddling with her bra beneath her sweater. Ali watched as she took it off and threw it into a drawer. Emily didn't want to look at her. Ali knew it now. She'd been noticing the little things. How Em would leave a lot more. How Em would be with other people. How Em would make plans.
"You've been avoiding me." Ali said, breathing in. She didn't want to have to confront her like this. She didn't want to have to know for sure, know it was done.
"Can you really blame me?" There was accusation there. But Ali had no control. The things that happened to her just happened and she was stuck with them. They were beyond her control and no matter how she tried to explain she could never explain, not really. It would never sound believable even though it was true.
"I don't know," Ali said, feeling vulnerable and small. She hugged herself on Emily's bed and wondered why things had to be so complicated, why they were such a goddamn mess from day one up until now.
"I can't trust you, Al."
"You can't trust me?!" Ali stood in Em's room, tears threatening to take her down. Emily was in front of her just staring, watching.
"No," Emily said.
"Em, you're the only person I can trust. Do you even know what the means?!"
"I don't Ali," Em shook her head. It felt like no matter what they did they were always having this conversation. Always moving apart.
"Come 'ere," Ali said, opening her arms. Em looked at her almost angrily. Of course she wanted to hug her, of course she wanted for things to be simple and make sense. "Em," Ali begged, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. Em relented walking close until Ali could pull her in and trap her in a hug.
Ali brought a hand up and held at Emily's neck beneath her hair. She brought her in tight and hugged her hard as if to let go would mean to lose her forever.
"You're all I want. I don't want anything else," Ali said. The tears were coming now, now that Emily was touching her, now that Em was so very close.
Em faltered, dropping her hands to Ali's shorts and looping her fingers in the empty belt buckles on either side. Ali felt as Emily's thumbs pressed at her hipbones, holding her, drawing her in. Em tugged at her and she wanted to come.
"That's not enough," Emily said painfully. "I need to trust you."
"So why don't you trust me?! I've been telling you everything!" Ali wanted to fight, she wanted to push her. This had gone on so long. It was supposed to be their honeymoon phase but it felt like a goddamn prison sentence. Emily was always too far away, always gone, always second guessing. And now that she was home it was like everything was different. Em had a new life and a new way of thinking.
"You know that's not true," Emily said, pushing Ali back, getting her out of her arms.
"Fine!" Ali said, pushing Em even harder and then taking her hands up and pushing her again.
"Hey!" Emily yelled.
"If we can't be together, lets fight then. Is this what you want?!" Ali pushed her again and then again. Em fell back but kept standing. Ali pushed her again and hit at her collarbone, feeling done. Every time she pushed and hit though, Ali felt herself breaking. She felt that it was over and it was done and there was nothing that she could ever do.
Emily watched as Ali panicked and broke down. Ali wasn't too physically strong, she was actually sort of delicate. Em let her push and she liked to think of it, of Ali being frustrated. She too had been frustrated, that's all she had ever been. Especially now, since Ali had been back.
"You want me to push you away?! You want me to hate you?!" Ali said, her voice cracking in her pain.
"Hey, hey, shhhhh," Emily said, pulling Ali into her and making her stop. She hugged her to her so that Ali's arms were trapped between them, unable to move, unable to fight.
Ali cried forcefully and Em felt it again, she felt that she was being irrational, she felt that she was making everything hard when it could really just be fucking simple.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry." She kissed Ali's forehead and breathed her in, feeling her hair. Ali didn't smell like a villain or a murderer. Ali smelt like the kissing rock and the beach. Ali smelt like happiness and the library. She smelt like Em's past and Em's happiness. "This isn't easy." Em said.
"Nothing is ever easy," Ali sobbed, wanting to die. If Emily was holding her she could just die now, she could just die. "I want to die like this. I wish I was dead."
"Don't say that." Emily said, shaking her but still holding her tight.
"No one wants me. You don't trust me. I should've stayed dead. Made a new life all alone. But why then?! Why?!" Ali was so sad. Emily held her and she felt as tears drifted out of her own eyes.
"It's not that I don't want you. I love you. I always have."
"You just can't." Ali said. "You can't and I don't want to be here then. I can't watch you be with her. I can't watch you love someone else."
"It doesn't matter who I'm with."
"It matters to me."
"Ali… Why are you doing this?"
"You're the only person who ever made me feel safe. You know that right?" Ali looked up at her and saw that Em had been silently weeping while she held at her.
"Yeah, but…"
"No Emily. You're the only one." There was no way around it. Everyone else wanted something or they secretly hated her. Emily had only known a small bit of the truth, she had only seen the half of what Ali had really been through.
"Ali…"
"What?! Tell me then. Tell me why I shouldn't just die?"
"I don't want you to die," Emily said, looking down at her. What did she want her to say?
"You don't want me to die but you can't love me anymore."
"I'll always love you," Emily said, looking down at her and brushing Ali's hair out of her face.
"But you can't be in love with me." They stared at each other for a bit and Emily felt herself crumbling. For some reason this was way too hard. She shook her head no, without speaking, and tried to hide how painful that was to say no to her now after only ever saying yes.
"I'll go then," Ali cried, pushing her away. "I'll go away. I'll make it simple."
"Ali don't," Emily cried, reaching for her to only have her hand thrown down and away.
"If there's no one left. If I can't have the one thing I've been fighting for. There's no point. You're better without me."
What was happening?! What was going to happen?! Emily felt herself panicking and shaking and pacing the room. Ali was gathering a backpack full of things. She put a beanie on and threw some clothes into her pack.
"I'm not letting you go," Emily said.
"You can't keep me Em. I'm only here because I want to be. I thought you knew that. I thought you fucking knew it all."
"Ali don't," Emily fought. When Ali moved Em would mirror her, she wanted to make sure she couldn't get out, make sure she couldn't leave.
"You'll leave here eventually Em. You'll have to go somewhere. I'll find a way out."
"Why is this the answer?!"
"You were always the answer," Ali said, holding her bag out in front of her and letting it drop in her hands. Emily was the only thing worth living for. Ali had been scared and in danger. She ran as far as she could but she only ever felt safe here with Em. She only ever felt loved in Emily's eyes.
"What can I do? How can I stop this?"
"There isn't anything." Ali squinted her eyes bitterly and shook her head not wanting it but knowing it was true. She realized that Emily wouldn't be letting her go. Emily would fight her, physically fight her. And Emily was stronger than her, she really was. She dropped her bag to the ground and crawled up on the bed like an injured man crawls before dying. She curled up into a ball and cried there alone while Emily watched. "You'll leave eventually and I'll go. I'll make it easy for you. You don't have to want me. I'm a mess. No one wants me." She cried.
Emily walked to the door and locked it irrationally. Ali had hands, she could unlock it and fumble out. Despite how Emily thought she could actually just keep her, Ali was human and not a pet.
"I don't know what to do with you," Emily said, crawling shakily up behind her and holding her close, wrapping her in a hug and holding her to her with her entire body and being. She slid her hands up Ali's arms and held at her wrists, hugging her tight wanting to keep her, wanting for her never to leave. It was sick and strange but she'd build a tower if it meant she could keep her. Em was becoming like one of those men in the fairytales, the ones that swear they can protect the princess if given the right.
"I'll be gone soon. You won't have to do anything." Ali wept.
"I don't want you to go," Emily whispered, choking on her own tears and her own fears.
"But you don't want me to stay…" It was the most important thing. The only thing Ali had been feeling.
Ali stirred on the bed until Emily allowed her to turn and face her.
"If you don't want me Em, I have nothing. I mean it. Nothing," she shook her head and pursed her lips, searching those eyes that had once been true.
"I want you," Emily said. "I've never not wanted you," she raised a hand to Ali's face and brushed her thumb over her lips, staring, wanting to kiss them.
"You don't anymore, I can see it. They got to you."
"No one got to me," Emily scoffed.
"A got to you. A won."
"A didn't do anything."
"No… A won." Ali was sure. Ali was broken. Of all the people A needed to leave alone, Emily was the one. She dropped her arm to hold at Emily's hand before turning to get up. She was going to try for the door. But when she tried to move she felt Emily's hand on her wrist pulling her back down. She sat with her back to her and Emily crawled up behind her, letting her legs fall around and her arms slide around her waist and her chin drop down onto her shoulder. She could hear Emily breathing her in. When Em tugged at her waist she felt her own wanting, how much she wanted her, how much she had been thinking about only that for so very long, and all alone.
"You are mine," Emily said, causing Ali to cry even harder. Emily felt it as she broke, she felt the words break her completely and she felt so responsible, so fucking dumb.
She had been the only one in the world to love her unconditionally. That had been true.
"Please don't cry," Emily whispered. "Please."
"I can't stop," Ali sobbed. If Em didn't want her she'd do it, she'd disappear.
Em pulled her back with her onto the bed and moved her to her side, laying her down and turning her onto her back. She hovered over her and watched her eyes, looking down.
Ali's hands gripped lightly at Em's arms. She wasn't okay. She couldn't take whatever was going to happen. She was done with the world, just done.
"I love you," Emily said, dipping down and deciding to kiss her.
"Uhh," Ali moaned, her chin tilting up. She felt so weak and so broken. For Em to kiss her now it was almost criminal, she was pulling her back in.
"I love you," Emily said again, laying her body down ontop of Ali's and kissing her cheeks and her neck, trying to tell her, trying to show her that she did love her, she really did.
"Em, no," Ali said. They had already cleared it all up. She didn't want Emily's pity-love. She hadn't said all that for this to happen. She had said all that because it had been true and just waiting to be addressed for days, too many days.
"You're not leaving me," Emily said, looking down at her. "You're not, I won't let you leave." She moved her mouth up again and kissed Ali again, making her weaker, making her want. Ali couldn't stop weeping and to be loved now it felt like the only time.
She ran her hand up over Em's hip and under her shirt, feeling her skin and pulling her down into her.
"I need you," Ali said. If this was the only time, she'd want it for real. Emily kissed her and moved her body up and down. Ali felt herself hot, sticky, and desperate. She felt that she wanted her touching every last bit of her and loving her everywhere. She didn't want an inch of her body to go on touched.
Em took her hand and ran it up Ali's arm from Ali's shoulder, down her arm, past her elbow and all the way up to her hand. She gripped at Ali's hand and kissed her hard pulling up with her body, hovering over her and kissing her hard.
"Uhhh," Ali moaned, having it all for once. She'd dreamed about this so many times. How could she tell her? How could she tell her that Em made up all her fantasies and all her dreams. None of it had been a lie. It had all been true and there was more to be said. But she couldn't ever say it, not now. A had won.
Ali let her hands slid up to hold at Emily's back. Her skin was so soft and tender, so warm and lovely. Only Emily's skin could be like that. Emily rolled onto her back, pulling Ali on top, letting Ali slide her leg between her legs and drop her elbow down next to her ear.
"You're so beautiful," Em said, looking up at her, unable to stop.
"I'm not," Ali said, looking down and thinking, how could she even like me at all, what does she see? She sat up on Em and pushed Em's sweatshirt up with her hands. Emily stopped her.
"Don't," Em said.
"Why not?" She asked. Ali fought just a bit and Emily let her, she let her push it up until it stopped right under Em's breasts.
When Ali looked down she was shocked. She ran a hand along Emily's ribs and watched as Emily's chest rose and fell.
"W-What's this?" Ali asked. There was a marking, a tattoo.
"It's stupid," Emily said, covering her face.
"Em, you never told me…"
"When I thought you were dead I just…"
"It's beautiful," Ali said, dipping her head down and painting kisses onto the tattoo. It was small and only words but it simply said: I love you Alison.
Ali sat up again and pulled her shirt off removing her bra. She wanted to feel her, all of her. She wanted her skin on her skin and her heart on her heart. She laid down on her skin and Emily wiggled beneath her, holding her on top until they fit perfectly and could rest. They both breathed loudly and tried not to freak out.
"I'll never love anyone else," Ali said, hugging Em's side and listening to that heartbeat that had once belonged to her.
And it was true. Ali would never love anyone else.
Emily held her tight, scared for the morning, scared to sleep.
When she woke, just as she feared, Ali was gone. Ali was gone…