1This is a series of one shots written for Soap Fan Fiction, link in my bio.
More Than a Memory- Greenlee Smythe Du Pres
I wake from the dream, still feeling her arms around me, to find I am staring into my own darkened bedroom and not her eyes.
It has been 267 days since I last hugged Kendall. Most mornings when I wake up I tell myself to be grateful for what I have- Aiden sleeping next to me each night, my company, my health, and lets not forget I am not behind bars like I almost ended up when Kendall framed me for kidnapping.
I'm barely thirty, in the prime of my freaking life. I look good in a bathing suit still. I own stock in Fortune 500 companies and can buy as many pairs of designer high heels as I want. What more could a girl ask for, right?
But I'm selfish. I'm greedy. I'm a taker. I want more, more, more- what should be mine, what is right. I want a baby in my arms. I want Kendall by my side the day I first hold my daughter. The surrogate is six months pregnant now.
I want and I want, and I ache and I ache. But she is still gone. I see her in town. She speaks to everyone I know. Our father, our stepsister, the man we both loved once, Ryan...she speaks to me at work, but that doesn't count.
I want to hate her. I did hate her for a while there. I hated her from the top of her lovely head of hair to the bottom of her perfectly manicured toes. And her hubby- I want him dead. Air is too good for that bastard.
All in all, Aiden says it is good this way. We are cival with Zach and Kendall. That is more than we could be right after they got me arrested on trumped up charges. But cival, well, that is a far cry from the sisterhood I crave with her. She belongs to me; I belong to her.
Sometimes I dream of killing Zach Slater. Sometimes I dream of forgiving Kendall, and her forgiving me. Sometimes I dream that we both have two babies- boys for her, girls for me. And in those dreams she never wanted me to rot in a prison cell, and I never wanted to steal her son. In those dreams, she still loves me, and I can say, aloud, "I love you," to her.
People say she's only in
my head is when
you're When you
find the things to do not to fall asleep That's when she's
It's gonna take time but I'll forget
They say I need
to get on with my life
They don't realize-
dailing six numbers just to hang up the phone,
Driving
cross town just to see if she's home,
Waking a friend in the dead
of night just to hear him say it's gonna be alright.
Cause you know she'll be
there in your dreams
more than a memory
I will have a child of my own soon, hopefully with Aiden's eyes and my fashion sense. My daughter will not call Kendall Auntie. She will not ever see the bond we shared. She won't have playdates with her cousins Spike and Ian. All those things are just be fanstasies in my head as 267 turns into 268 days that I have not hugged Kendall.
Took
a match to everything she ever wrote Tore all the pictures off the wall
Watched her words go up in
smoke
ain't helping me
at all
Cause
when you're talking out loud and nobody's there Drinking more than you ever
drank When you
find yourself falling down upon your knees That's when she's more than a memory
She's more... She's more...
You look like
hell and you just don't care
and sinking down lower than you ever sank
Praying to God and
begging him please
Aiden sleeps next to me. I hate to wake him up but he's used to it by now. If I don't wake him then I will probably end up running out the door, jumping in my car and driving past her place to see if the light is on, wondering if she is up drinking tea and thinking about how we messed this whole thing up.
But I know it is just a fantasy to think she misses me like I miss her. In every cell of my body, in my heart, my blood, my bones...I miss Kendall and I don't expect to ever stop.
I see her everyday. But its just not the
same.
Shaking Aiden's shoulder, I wait for his eyes to open and
then say. "I had that dream again. Maybe I should call her."
He pulls me close, so that my back rest snugly against him. His arm wraps around my stomach, and he buries his face in my hair. "You can't call her at 4 am. Go to sleep, luv."
I close my eyes. The clock ticks, another minute gone by.
Into the blackness of the night, I whisper "I want her back."
"I know you do."
He doesn't say more. He doesn't have to. I can want her back every second of every day, but that doesn't mean she will ever come back to me. She's my best friend, my sister, she's in my heart, and nothing changes that. So I do the only thing I can now- after I have begged and screamed and raged at her about how wrong this all is- I wait.
People
say she's only in my head forget
It's gonna take time but I'll
Garth Brooks lyrics.