Title: The Curse of the Mary-sue...or two
Summary: Just a parody on all those 'Kai-has-a-long-lost-sister-and-let's-insert-a-huge-gasp' stories Kai/Tal (sequal to 'Oh, For Heaven's Sake, Kai!')
Rating: T (for swearing and implied sex)
Prenotes: Um… Yes, i understand that this will offend some people. I do not hate OCs - i'd be a hypocrite - but some can be rather annoying, ne? Please do not take it to the heart - it is a parody. The two OCs are not based off two specific Mary-sues. They are... generic. So... um... enjoy the pointless-ness and please no flaming? Yes, I think that just covers it.

Tala stared blankly at the girl before him. "I'm sorry - have I seen you before?"

"Hn."

"…That isn't an answer - hell, it isn't even a word. You gunna answer my question?"

No reply; she just continued to lean against the wall of the shop.

Tala shrugged. "Fine, be anti-social. God, get a life." And with that, he stalked off.

"You wanna repeat that?" A voice shouted.

He turned around. "Uh, sure. 'Fine, be anti'- hey!" The girl had launched her beyblade at him… but it wobbled and stopped, clattering on the snow-covered concrete. He bent and picked it up, studying it. "…You… why have you got a copy of Kai's Dranzer? Oh, and by the by, get a decent metal version - not cheap plastic. And get a bit beast whilst you're at it."

"Oh my God, are you like, retarded?" The girl screeched. "You recognise me cos I'm Kai's sister!"

Tala blinked. "Oh ya - the two-toned hair, just a bit longer; the red eyes… basically a female clone. And your name is…?"

"Kia. Kia Hiwatari."

"What a surprise…" Tala muttered, before beginning to walk away, back towards his house.

After five minutes, or so, he glanced behind him to see Kia - or whatever the clone's name was - following him. But how could he know that? She had a black hoodie covering her face!

…

Oh right, her clothes… um… carrying on.

The Wolf pulled out his mobile and keyed in a number. "Bry? You know that book you have? 'The Manual Of Life With Weirdos'? Does it say what to do when your supposed-boyfriend's clone-sister starts stalking you?"

"Uhm…" The Falcon paused. "Hold on…" The sound of pages being flicked buzzed in Tala's ear. The redhead picked up the pace, glancing back now and again nervously. "Yeah… 'Chapter three-hundred and four: Life with Your Boyfriend's Sister'."

"What does it say, feather-brains?"

"Someone's not getting some tonight."

"Fuck you."

"I'd love to." Came the quick reply. "It states that she's going to be his long-lost sister from a place like the Amazon Rainforest, where she was dumped as a child by her murderous/rapist/abusive father and raised by the mythological race of women; she grew up to hate all men, but somehow finds it in her heart to welcome her brother back, and then fall in love with one of his teammates."

"So we should…"

"It says it's inevitable."

"…Fuck that - Bryan, lock all the entrance doors; batten down the hatches; cover the windows with traditionally-crooked pieces of wood, and set Ian loose in the garden with explosives - she can't get in the house."

By this time, Tala had broken into a run, Kia following.

"Get back here you bastard!"

"What the hell have I done?" The redhead yelled back. "I've done Jack-shit to you!" A light bulb went off in his head. "Oh, God - she's a fangirl and she's going to rape me!"

Poor Tala continued to sprint for his life, and was praising every god up in the heavens and down below when he saw his house. The door was open, Bryan waiting in the doorway. Ian was in the garden, inside a small cage, with crates of explosives and matches surrounding him.

The Wolf dived inside the house and the door was slammed behind him, before it was locked with a big iron bar.

Tala glared up at Kai. "Your dratted mother couldn't come up with something more original in terms of names, could she? I mean 'Kia' is just an anagram of 'Kai'! Jesus Christ…" He turned his attention to the Falcon. "Is Ian loose yet?"

A massive bang sounded, along with screams and insane, maniacal cackling.

"I take that as a yes."

"Please!" Came a moan through the door. "Kai, my dearest brother! Open the door!"

"No!" The Phoenix yelled.

"Haven't you read 'The Manual Of Life With Weirdos'?" Kia screamed. "I'm supposed to be stronger than you and everyone else and eventually fall in love with Tala or Bryan!"

The Falcon and Wolf exchanged petrified looks.

"It says, 'a teammate'." Bryan corrected. "Ian's out there - go make out with him."

"No! He'll try and stuff those fireworks up my… nose."

"He has done that many a time…" Tala agreed. "In many a place…"

"Oh my Gawd!"

Everyone froze.

"Who the fuck are you?"

It was a new voice - still extremely feminine, unfortunately.

"I'm Kia Hiwatari… and you?"

"I'm Raven Yamyumhubbabubbajesuschristlongnamesapphirerubygemack. I'm dangerous, so you better not mess with me."

"Why?"

"I'm an emo, I have a razor-blade, and I'm not afraid to use it in a darkened room whilst crying over my love of Bryan or Tala or Kai."

"Tala belongs to me!" Kia screeched.

All the boys were watching through the cracks in the traditionally-crooked wood, which had been nailed over the windows - even Ian had stopped doing a fire dance (a bit like Riverdance, just not in a river) to watch.

"Oh, and Bryan."

"But that leaves me with just Kai!" Raven shrieked back. "I have to have at least two guys after me. Then I have to have the difficult decision of deciding who fucks me! And also, a friendship has to be put under strain between them cos of me."

"That's the same with me! Why don't you go find Ray?"

"Hello? I'm an emo! I'm mentally and emotionally unstable! I do not need an optimistic cat-boy after me!"

"Well, you ain't having Tala or Bryan!"

"I don't see your names on them!"

"You-ahhhh!"

Kia had pulled Raven's ridiculously long, rainbow-coloured hair, and Miss Yamyumhubbabubbajesuschristlongnamesapphirerubygemack retaliated by slapping her.

Tala turned to Bryan. "Get Spencer to call Ian back in."

The Falcon nodded and disappeared.

Outside, Spencer appeared and whistled. Ian's ears and nose perked up and he raced along the garden towards the giant, the two girls still fighting.

"Hopefully, we won't have to kill them - they'll kill each other - then we won't get sent to prison on the charge of killing a Mary-Sue." The redhead frowned. "By the way, Bryan, it's is lucky you have that ridiculously large book on 'The Manual Of Life With Weirdos'. What compelled you to buy it?"

"We're surrounded by weirdos." Bryan replied. "I mean, look at Kai."

Kai banged on the front door. "Raven? You still have that razor-blade? And are you two hungry?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm making dinner." He leered at Bryan. "For starters, chicken. And for the main course…" He glared at Tala. "The Korean speciality of dog."

"Kai," Tala began, "you're supposed to end with something witty. Not that shit."

"Now," Bryan joined in, "whilst you come up with something clever, we'll just disappear to the bedroom, very innocently and to do absolutely nothing at all."

"Okay." Kai nodded and sat down, back against the back door.

Five Hours Later

Tala emerged from the bedroom, hair rather messy and eyes blurred with tiredness. Upon observing Kai's 'Sh-I'm-thinking' expression, he sighed.

"You tit."

Demi: yeah, don't flame or I shall laugh at your sorry arse.