Title: "Two Things"
Author: LegolasLover2003 aka Ashley
Category: TV - "Halt and Catch Fire"
Genre: Angst / Drama
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to AMC's "Halt and Catch Fire"... I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH!
Note: There are spoilers for the 10th episode of season 1 in this story. Read at your own risk. SPOILERS!
My mother once said that a person's strength was in their teeth. She was ten miles high at the time of course but when I was laying in that hospital bed... her words made sense. She didn't really mean 'teeth' obviously, but a smile. A smile was a person's strength.
And so I smiled.
My father once told me that if 'you say something with the right authority you generally get what you want'. As an adult, I realized that this was generally a true statement.
And so I spoke with authority.
So I had strength in my smile and authority in my voice...
Two Things
I couldn't see it. She tried to get me to understand... told me a dozen or more times.
'You're just a thousand dollar suit with nothing inside.'
Talk to me 'like you're flesh and blood.'
'You only destroy things. You've never created anything.'
'It's empty!'
Blinking, the smoke gets in my eyes and for a brief moment I have to turn my head away. Damn Cameron... her voice keeps going on and on and on inside of my head... I wanted to be with her! I wanted to run away with her and never look back!
A thousand dollar suit...
I told her though, didn't I? I told her that the clothes... the car... that was it. That was all there was. But she was still right... damn it, she was always right!
And now these... these abominations... these "Giants"... worthless pieces of shit. It was our machine! Why couldn't they see it?! It was beautiful... and revolutionary and worth something more and now... now it's a disgusting piece of garbage!
Ripping my coat off quickly I toss it into the burning truck. There goes one less thing... one less lie... one less part of me...
I was as empty as those damned machines! But she gave them souls! She gave ME a SOUL!
Now... now Cameron doesn't need me anymore. She got what she wanted. Gordon... Ha! Gordon's turned into me! No... they don't need me... because I never created anything.
Except the two of them...
Turning from the smoke and the fire I start to walk. There's a gas station a few miles down the road and I can call a cab. Each step taking me away from the Giant.
I don't give a damn if it fails now. I'd have done anything to make it perfect... but those bastards changed everything and now I've nothing. Maybe I deserve it. I made people's lives hell in this city after all.
Coming in with a smile and a voice and destroying everything in my path... except those two...
I can feel the tears welling in my eyes but my heart feels numb. Cameron... even after your hatred and anger... I still want to be with you.
You made me change! You gave life to an empty suit! I was open with you! I cried in front of you! I told you things no one else knows and...
Those tears start falling and angrily I wipe them away. Cameron and Gordon can just carry on with their little projects. Let's see how long Cardiff lasts with the 'genius' at the helm. See how long it is before Cameron screws something else up on her inane quest for computing beauty.
She's not the future...
She's not my future...
'I want you there. I want you with me. I want to be with you.'
UGH! My own words won't leave my head as I walk further in the darkness. Somewhere there's a coyote howling. How could I have ever loved her?! She used me! I used her! Where was there love in that screwed up...
'Your whole thing it attracts people but it won't keep them around.'
STOP IT, CAMERON! JUST STOP IT! I KNOW, ALRIGHT! I CHANGED!
I changed for you! I changed because I wanted something real! I changed because... because I wanted to create something beautiful...
'You can spin a good word, Joe. You know, even though you're not an engineer, you're certainly no visionary, but I never thought you were a coward.'
SHUT UP, GORDON!
I can feel my fingers in my hair, pulling at the ends and racking the scalp. Why won't they shut up?! I'm in the middle of godforsaken nowhere and I still can't get away from them! My chest rises and falls quickly as panic sets in and I stop walking, pacing as I tug on my hair. Why can't I get away?
The world spins and for a moment I feel myself falling. Actually I am falling... landing with a hard smack on the pavement at the side of the road.
And the stars...
I don't know how long I laid there but their voices stopped. I didn't hear Cameron's hatred or Gordon's insecurities or my father's lies or those thick Texas accents... I didn't hear anything... I didn't think about anything...
Just the stars...
And for a moment I remembered holding two flashlights out in the midst of a hurricane's aftermath, shining them up at the sky I loved so much...
And for a moment I was on the roof with my mother, watching the constellations and giving them new names born from the mind of a child...
And for a moment... there was peace...
I wanted to watch the stars with you, Cameron...
My eyes close.
I have to get away from here...
I left behind the smile and the voice for Cameron...
I left behind Cameron and Gordon because they didn't need me anymore...
I'll leave behind the clothes and the car... for my own sake.
And I'll burn Joe MacMillan, burn the 'sad little boy with a lot of wasted potential' just as I burned the Giants.
I'll gaze up at the stars and find what I'm missing...
And I'll start over from the beginning.
Things are playing on my mind
I'll be here till closing time
I can't wait to leave behind
This small place, this small place
-Team Drama
(The Automatic Automatic)
THE END
Author's Notes:
- "Two Things" refers to various pairs of things. The Smile and the Voice from the beginning obviously. But it refers to Cameron and Gordon as well. It also refers to everything Joe owns; the clothes and the car. Lastly it refers to two sides rather than two things and the comparison between those two sides and Joe's own two sides.
- I personally believe that Joe set fire to the Giants because they were him and he hated himself. They were "empty" as Cameron put it, just like he was "empty" now.
- Bit about "teeth" and "strength" was actually an idea from Lee Pace's movie "The Fall". I kinda thought it witty so I added it at the beginning.
- Anything in italics during the story itself is pretty much a quote from the series.
- Side note on the "thick Texas accents" line. I'm from Texas and I don't have a Texas accent unless I get really ticked off so to me, the accents always seem weird in shows and movies because I can't replicate it myself (though I can do a mean British accent).
- Also, I wrote this entire story listening to the "Not Accepted Anywhere" CD by The Automatic Automatic (known now as just The Automatic).
Muse Moments:
"You actually wrote about me..."
"Course I did!" Nil smiles, handing Joe a coke. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Because... well..."
"Because no one else really does?" Nil's smile turns to a smirk. "I adore your character and your show. Course I'd write about you! Maybe something longer next time, hmm?"
Joe cracks a smile, "Yeah... maybe."
Laughing, Nil can't help but hug him. "I wanted you and Cameron to end up together, you know... I REALLY wanted it... I really wanted you to put the soul back in the Giant..."
"I know."
"But you didn't..."
"I know." Joe sighs slightly.
Nil sighs too. "I just hope you get a second chance... aka a second season... COME ON, AMC! GIVE JOE ANOTHER CHANCE AT HAPPINESS!"