Regrets

It had been two months since I'd moved in with Ranger. It was weird that I'd never made the permanent move into Joe's house, but was now living with Ranger. However, when I chose to pursue a relationship with Ranger, he insisted I move in with him and I didn't think it wise to start our life together with an argument. So I went. Even with living together, it wasn't always easy getting time to spend with each other with the amount of jobs Rangeman handled, but tonight we were together and the anticipation of fulfillment was growing as Ranger stopped kissing my neck and reached over to the nightstand to get a condom.

"Mmmm," I purred. "I can't wait until we can do this without one of those."

Ranger's lips tilted slightly up on both sides of his mouth, his equivalent of a grin and a look I had come to learn meant he was happy about something. "You didn't tell me you were going on the Pill."

My brows pulled together. "I'm not. I meant when we were ready to start trying for kids."

Ranger sneered at me. "I told you once that the love I had for you didn't come with a ring but a condom would come in handy. What part of that didn't you understand?"

Well, this had turned nasty fast. Ranger was visibly mocking me and I didn't appreciate it in the least. "No part, Ranger. You're right, of course. I remember." I smiled like the half-wit Ranger took me to be and Ranger noticeably relaxed at my seeming agreement with his stipulation, but no way was I ready to pick up where we had left off. Suddenly faced with my own foolishness, I was suddenly starting to re-evaluate the decisions that had led me here. "I'll be back in a minute," I said then, cooing falsely at him while nausea cramped my stomach. Was I really naive enough to believe Ranger would change just because I moved into his life? "I just need to get something out of my dresser." And space from you, I mentally added.

As I stood before the dresser, gathering the courage to view what I had spontaneously decided to look at, I quickly started reviewing my life. I was still bumbling my way through the bounty hunting, Ranger's men trailing after me as they had before whether I wanted them to or not. Of course now when I wasn't working, I didn't have to cook or clean or raise a finger to take care of myself or Ranger. Ella was in charge of all that. I wasn't a big fan of those things—not many are—so I should be happy to be relieved of those chores. Ranger had "saved" me from that which I feared would make me just another Burg housewife. But at this moment, I was hard pressed to say I was happy. Maybe I didn't have those things in my life anymore, but those weren't the only things I didn't have. Where was the laughter? The camaraderie? Ranger didn't joke around all that much. Or tease. He also didn't talk about his day with me a great deal. His "Man of Mystery" persona was still firmly in place. Funny thing, though. When there's silence at the dinner table every night that gets old really quick. I'm tired of hearing "You don't need to know, Babe." Maybe I don't need, but I want. I want to share things with the person in my life and have them share in return. I want that exchange of warmth. It was so cold here, where was the damn heat? I was afraid I knew the answer to that, but I wasn't ready to go there quite yet.

I opened my drawer finally, worried Ranger would wonder what was taking me so long and call me back to bed before I had a chance to retrieve what was inside of it. I had placed it there when I moved in with Ranger and had never taken it out since. I was too afraid of it. Afraid of what it would mean to me, what it would make me feel. It was a letter from Joe, given to me right after I broke it off with him. I had never even opened the envelope. I was terrified of reading the hurt and anger that would undoubtedly and justifiably be on the pages. I needed to be OK with my decision to be with Ranger if I was going to move forward in my life, and knowing I'd hurt Joe…having to see the proof, that would have made moving on much more difficult. But tonight I'd begun to realize on my own the horrible mistake I'd made. I'd taken the cowards way out and chosen Ranger because it was safer for my heart if things ultimately didn't work out. The damage would be far less considerable then if things eventually soured with me and Joe. I wouldn't be able to withstand that, so I made the pre-emptive strike instead. But I began to see the life I had had with Joe was worth the emotional risk of giving him my heart, because in truth there was no risk involved, Joe was forever, and I knew then I could handle reading his disappointment because he couldn't be any more disappointed in me than I was in myself.

Behind me, I could hear that Ranger had made a call while he was waiting for me. I guess he wasn't all that anxious to have me back in his bed after all. Oh well. That worked out perfectly for me since I was determined to finish what I'd started. I steeled myself and tore open the letter. It read, 'Whatever it is you think you're looking for, when you don't find it, I'll be waiting. Love, Joe.'

That was it. No censure. No admonishment. Just true love. A silent tear ran down my cheek and I reached up and brushed it away before it could drip down and ruin this perfect letter. The letter that made everything so clear. Joe's love for me. The love I had tried for so long to deny but had always felt for him regardless. And something else became crystal clear as well. Ranger had been truthful all along. He didn't do relationships. There was no hidden meaning in the words he spoke to me. No "deep secret emotion" he held back for his own "noble" reasons. I was looking for something that wasn't there, and as Joe had predicted, I hadn't found it. And cheap, meaningless sex that led nowhere, with no future, wasn't exciting. It was just pathetic.

In the sudden quiet of the room, I realized Ranger had ended his call. "I'm leaving Ranger," I heard myself say before I'd even comprehended I'd made the decision. As soon as I'd said it, though, I knew it was right. Ranger wouldn't give me what I needed and the one who would said he'd be waiting for me and he was a man of his word.

"If you do, Babe, it's forever. There's no coming back."

I smiled to myself as I stood before my opened drawer, my back still to Ranger. "Yeah, actually, I'm really OK with that." And then I laughed. Feeling lighter and happier than I had in two months. "Just have Ella pack up my things and send them to me. I'm sure my absence won't be an inconvenience for you."

I quickly threw on a shirt and pants and hightailed it out of there. No fervent protestations from Ranger, but that didn't surprise me. I was the one who had read more into the "relationship" between us. Ranger had been obvious from the beginning that he was interested in sleeping with me and nothing else. I was slow on the uptake and now all I could do was pray that because of that I hadn't ruined my chances with Joe.

Once in my car I took some time to fix my hair and make-up the best I could with what I had in my purse. Then on auto-pilot I drove the familiar route to the only place my heart had ever called "home" since I'd left my parents'. When I got to Joe's, I took a deep breath and clenched my hands into fists so I wouldn't run to the porch like an idiot. Controlling every impulse, I walked to the door and gently knocked. Joe opened the door and for several minutes perused me from head to toe with his molten stare. My heart alternated between squeezing tight in my chest and threatening to punch out of it as I waited for Joe to say something. And then his grin was there. The grin that never failed to make my knees weak.

"Finally," he breathed, as he pulled me into the house.