A/N: Hello, it's me again! No. Not Kubo Tite, owner of Bleach. Just PNJ, owner of…uh, this computer.
For the past hundred millennia or so, Christmas morning in Seireitei was an ordinary morning with no special meaning, meant for duty and work just like any other morning, until Ichigo came over and oozed in his influence and uh, wisdom every now and then, and now, it was a momentous occasion marked with anticipation…or dread, depending on the person.
Christmas Morning…
Hitsugaya's eyes were glued to the mysterious present underneath the tiny Christmas tree that was put up in his office. In fact, his tree was the only small tree in all of Seireitei, much to his chagrin, even though Matsumoto, his vice captain, had assured him that it was because she liked little trees, and had picked it for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with him.
At first, he had utterly refused to be a part of this strange ritual calling for 'holiday spirit' especially when they had their shinigami responsibilities to take care of, not to mention loads of paperwork, courtesy of one lazy slacker of a vice captain. But as more and more decorations appeared on buildings, meeting halls, and even in Commander Yamamoto's office, something slowly began to change inside Hitsugaya's frozen little heart, making him relent and finally help Matsumoto deck their halls.
He had to admit, Ichigo could really stir things up in Seireitei. Many had shared the little captain's reluctance and qualms regarding this ritual at first, but pretty much everyone has had a change of heart since then, and now…well, he would bet his zanpaktou that everyone was probably doing exactly what he was doing right now: standing wide-eyed in front of their tree and gawking at what's under it.
Matsumoto burst through the office doors, gasping for air. Hitsugaya whirled around, eyes nearly popping out in incredulity.
"Matsumoto! You actually woke up this early?"
"Me? No way, Taichou! Actually, I didn't go to sleep last night," she said enthusiastically, waving her arms around, pacing restlessly. "I couldn't sleep because I was so nervous. I mean, just thinking about Santa Claus right next door was soooo exciting! Ohhhhhhhhh!! I kept wondering what he was going to give me, and I almost peeked. But I didn't. I was good. And Santa always rewards the good ones. And - "
"Have you been into the sake bottle again?"
"Me? Oh, no! No, no, no. I was good last night. Very good. V-E-R-Y-G-O- "
"You can cut that out, Matsumoto. It's too late now. Santa's already come and gone." He pointed at the tree.
Matsumoto blinked. Then, with a squeal, she grabbed her captain's hand and flew over to the gold mine, lifting poor Hitsugaya off his feet, and with him, pounced on the gift with her name on it.
"It's not a lump of coal! It's not a lump of coal! I knew I was good this year! I just knew it!" She squeezed Hitsugaya nearly to death, smothering him with her huge bonkers, oblivious to his muffled screams of terror. "Renji said a lot of people would probably be getting coal today. Well, not me! There was absolutely no way it was going to be me. I'll bet he received a piece of nasty coal, he thinks he's so smart. I can't wait to show everyone what I - huh? Taichou? Taichou, are you okay? TAICHOU!"
..……...
And so…the gifts……...
In the 8th division office:
"Hmmm. Nanao-chan?"
"What is it, Taichou?"
"Well, that's what I wanted to ask you. Do you know what this is?"
"Hmmm. Let's see what it says…um, 'Special Alarm Clock – No Off Button'…I wonder what that means? Wait, there's further instructions here, Taichou. Set the dial for 6am and amazing things will happen later."
"Amazing things, huh? Well, we must do what Santa says. Nanao-chan, if you will be so kind as to set it."
…...
In the 2nd division office:
"What in the world?"
"Uh, Soi Fong Taichou. It's called a leash. It says, 'Clip one end of it to the collar,' that's this thing over here, I guess, 'and put the collar on Yoruichi-san's neck. Hold on tightly to the other end of the leash, and the two of you will never be separated again.' That's all it says, Taichou."
"Never be separated again? Is that really what it says, Omaeda?"
"Hai, Taichou."
"…Well, I don't know how Yoruichi-sama will like wearing this ugly thing, but Santa says it is so. I will do it."
…...
In the 5th division office:
"Oh, Aizen Taichou! Why did you leave me? Why did you try to kill me? I loved you so much." (sniffle, sniffle) "We could've shared this wonderful Christmas season together. See? Santa brought me this gift. Kurosaki Ichigo-san taught us about Santa and the gifts he brings to those who were good for the past year. Isn't it funny? All this time, Santa Claus never came because nobody believed. (sniffle) If only you hadn't left us, you could've gotten a gift, too." (sniffle) "Well, here goes." (sound of paper tearing) "It's a book! It's called…Kick That Loser To The Curb, Honey, And Move On!"
"…"
…...
In the 4th division office:
"It just a picture with many different women on it, Unohana Taichou. I don't understand why Santa would've brought this to you."
"…"
"Unohana Taichou?"
"Isane, these women…they all have their braids going down their backs."
"…Whoa."
…...
In the 6th division office:
"Renji, I will not put these things on my face."
"But Kuchiki Taichou, Santa says so."
"…"
"Come on, it's not that bad. I mean, mine are permanent, but it says here that these are just temporary tattoos."
"…Does it come off with water?"
"Uh, let's see here. It says it fades away within 48 hours."
"Fine, the sooner we finish this the better. Apply it."
"Hai. The directions say to wet it, stick it on, then peel it off…and…there we go."
"How is it?"
"Wow. Taichou, you look real different. I think it suits you. You…Taichou, what's the matter?"
"I don't know. I feel it tightening. Is this what it is suppose to do?"
"Uh, I will check the directions again." (Papers rustling) "Let's see, I was supposed to…yeah, and then I…yeah…and yeah and yeah. I don't get it, everything was done just as instructed, Tai – Aaaaaaah!!"
"What is it, Renji?"
"T-taichou! My god! You…you're…smiling."
…...
In the 7th division office:
"…"
"…"
"So, I just wear it around my neck?"
"That's what it says, Komamura Taichou."
"What's it called again?"
"A flea collar, sir."
…...
In the 3rd division office: Kira and Hisagi spend it together
"…and then Ichimaru taichou would spin me around over his head and let me fly." (laughter) "Those were the days."
"I get ya. When Tousen taichou decided he wanted to spar, I always had to call in sick the next day. Once I even flew off the cliffs trying to escape his bankai."
(both sigh)
"Well, let's see what Santa brought us, Hisagi-san. These presents are huge! No way it can be coal."
"That bastard Renji is probably the only one who got that this year." (snicker) "Here we go! And this year, Hisagi gets himself a…"
Pow! Pshhhhhh!! (boxes explode open)
"Holy mother of - !"
"What the - ? Hisagi-san, it's Ichimaru taichou! And Tousen taichou!"
"Balloons? They're as big as us!"
"No, it says here they're called…Boxing Buddies. We're to put these things called gloves on our hands and…beat them."
"No way."
Silence. Their eyes meet.
"GIMME THOSE GLOVES!"
In the midst of their excitement, they fail to see a warning label, "Warning, too much punching can result in small explosion."
…...
In the 12th division office:
"Nemu, you worthless piece of garbage, hurry up and turn it on! Didn't you read the directions? I will not have my day wasted any longer due to your uselessness."
"Hai, Mayuri-sama. Forgive me. I will insert the um…CD into the…stereo system now."
(soft music begins to play)
"Fine. Now get out of here!"
"Hai, Mayuri-sama."
(door softly closes)
"Aaaah. I can get used to this gift. If everyone's gift is as technologically advanced as mine, those fools won't be able to figure out how to work it." (evil laughter)
Carefully hidden within the music, a subliminal message:
"I'm a bad boy. I must learn kindness. I must treat Nemu like a queen. I must stop picking on Hitsugaya. I must join the Byakuya fan club. I must…"
…...
In the 11th division office:
"No! That's not what I wanted! I wanted Ichigo to pop out of that box so I can fight with him!"
"Ken-chan! You're acting like a child. You should be happy with what you have. Think about all the people out there who have less than us."
"Tch. Fine, whatever. So what is this junk?"
"It's a DVD! I heard about this from Rukia-chan. You have to feed it to that square thing over there, and soon pictures will start to move! Let's do it, Ken-chan! I wanna see, I wanna see!"
"Do what you want. I don't care."
(DVD inserted)
"Welcome to Basic Yoga for Dummies brought to you by your yoga instructor, Sara Ivanhoe! By listening to what I say and doing what I do, you'll soon be as peaceful as a cloud and as happy as a child on Christmas day. I guarantee it! Now let's start with a few warm-up poses…"
Yachiru and Kenpachi watch the screen with mouths wide open. After a while, Kenpachi starts to look sick, but Yachiru jumps up and down in joy.
"Yay, Ken-chan can do it! Ken-chan can do even better than that rubber-woman. Peaceful and happy! Peaceful and happy! Ken-chan's gonna be peaceful and happy and…Ken-chan? Where did you go?"
…...
In the 13th division office:
"There's something very familiar about this handwriting on these gifts."
"Huh? What do you mean, Ukitake taichou?"
"Yes, what do you mean, Ukitake taichou, sir?"
"What the hell! Why do you always have to copy me, Kyone?!"
"What? I'm not copying you, you greasy, corn chip-smelling, nasty, bearded monkey of a man! I can't help it if you say what I was going to say before I do! And stop screaming! You're distressing the Taichou!"
"What?! You're screaming too, you crazy, psycho, hissing, snake woman!"
"Nasty monkey!"
"Foul snake!"
(fighting continues and Ukitake sighs)
Please let there be a quiet vice captain in this box, he prayed.
…...
In the 1st division office:
Commander Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryusai squinted as he read the note on his gift.
"From Santa. You're name is too long, so I've taken the liberty of shortening it. Merry Christmas Sam."
…...
Back to 10th division office:
"Taichou! Taichou, please wake up! Look, I've even opened your present for you. It's a Pow-Pow-Power Wheels! Please, Taichou, open your eyes!!"
………...
So did anyone receive a lump of coal that year?
Somewhere in the outskirts of seireitei, in a tacky little house surrounded by huge arms…a far-off voice of a man could be heard screaming.
"Noooooooooooo!"
………...
Standing on top of Senzaiku, at the edge of the cliff, Ichigo listened to the sound of the wind and grinned. Beside him, Urahara Kisuke glanced over at him.
"You know, some of those gifts were pretty cruel," he told Ichigo.
"Aa. I know, but you know, some of those guys need to lighten up a bit." He sighed. "What I wouldn't give to see some of their faces right now. By the way, thanks for all your help with this."
"Hmph," Urahara replied and looked down toward the offices of the thirteen protection squads. "So, when are you planning on telling them that Christmas doesn't come on April the 1st?"
Ichigo smirked.
………………………..
Fin