Basically, what NOT to do when writing a fanfic.
Warning: Intense randomness. Serious sarcasm. Breaking of the fourth wall. Self-insert. A Mary Sue. Horribility. And the like.
COVER ART IS MINE. I had a ton of fun making it, by the way, even if I don't know how to draw chibis.
Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy's POV
My name is Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy, but you can call me Rose. I'm the spirit of spring. I am eighteen years old, well, not really. I only look like it. Really, I'm three hundred years old but I'm eternally young and beautiful. And trust me, I'm really, really beautiful. I have long wavy blond hair that goes down to my waist and shimmers gold in the sunlight, and big green eyes that look like leaves with little green flowers inside them, with the black part as the little circle that's inside flowers. My eyelashes are long and beautiful, like spider legs, and my eyebrows are like two perfect graceful little caterpillars. I have a perfect, slender figure and really big boobs and a perfect, pale, heart-shaped face. I usually wear a pretty green and pink dress that reaches halfway to my knees and has a v-neckline so I can show off the huge glittering flower pendant that I wear around my neck. Oh, and my lips are perfect and beautiful and pink. So if you haven't already gotten the picture, I'm perfect and beautiful.
The only catch is, no one can see me. Poop. I keep trying to kiss boys but they just walk right through my face. But I don't care, because I'm Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy. I don't get sad often, I just smile and keep laughing and am kind to everyone I meet, even though they can't see a single hair on my head. Which are all perfect, by the way.
I don't remember anything about my past. I think it had to do with saving some kid or something from mortal doom. Or something like that. But all I remember is waking up in a warm meadow with the moon above me and me as I am now. Oh, and for some weird reason I was holding a big stick with a hook on the end. I still haven't figured out what it's supposed to be used for. I tried eating it once, but that didn't work. I sometimes use it to practice my yoga, even though I was born in…uh…whatever year was three hundred years ago and they didn't have yoga back then. I keep falling off, but my awesome magical wind powers always save me from breaking my perfect face.
And I heard the moon talk to me that night. Yes, that's right. The moon said something to me. I did not find this odd in any way because I'm Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy and nothing catches me by surprise. This is what the moon said:
Not again! Gods, where's a product warranty when ya need it? Ergh…never buy a spirit-maker thingy from Kronos. Never, ever, ever. Dude's a cheapskate, that's what. A falsely-advertising, child-eating cheapskate. You know, I coulda just bought Ra's old immortal-maker thingy for double the price and double the value, but no! Lunar just HAS to be picky with the money and buy the cheap version from the stupid Titan…oh shiznit, she's awake. Crap. No turning back now. Uhh…hi.
"HIIIIIIIII!" I said super cheerily, abusing the number of I's.
…I swear I will kill…uh, never mind. Welcome to the world of the immortals…uh…what's your name?
"I don't know," I said. "How about…Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy!"
Oh yeah. That's a great name. Okay, have fun.
"Wait!" I squealed. "You can't just leave me alone!"
Can, and will. Peace out.
And that was all I heard from him.
I have been living alone and invisible ever since.
*sniff*
Jack's POV
I'm just flying around Burgess (because I honestly have no better place to be in the middle of summer) when I see the auroras fluttering across the sky. I go to the North Pole. Cake.
Everyone is staring at some weird crystal thingy that rose out of the ground. Moonlight shines down on it, forming a holograph-type image from the crystal. There is a picture of a girl there, and a…oh my Moon nuggets, she's beautiful. Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Like flowers before I freeze them to death.
I don't notice that Bunny is staring at me and waving his paw in front of my face. "Uh…Frost…"
I say something super intelligent like, "Gahlala…she's so beautiful…"
Tooth folds her arms and rolls her eyes. "Please. She doesn't have enough brains to fill a thimble."
I snap up in surprise. "You know her? Oh please oh please Tooth, tell me more!"
Tooth is gritting her teeth and she looks like she wants to hit something. "Her name is…gimme a second here…Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy." Her fairies start squeaking murderously and punching their palms with their fists.
But I don't notice even though I'm the narrator of this story. "Oh wow, such a beautiful name," I say dreamily. "Such a beautiful name to fit such a beautiful girl."
"Why thank you!" Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy says, coming up next to me.
"$!* ?! #%& #%$ HOW DID YOU GET IN?!" North bellows at the top of his lungs, which is loud enough to shake the entire Pole and tip the Globe of Belief off its stand. No one hears him, especially not me. I keep staring at Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Spring Fairy.
She is really, really pretty. She has green eyes that look like ––
(This overly descriptive part has been censored due to the torturous length and infernal laziness of the author)
She is beautiful and I instantly know that she is my one true love.
Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy's POV
He is the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Except for a mirror, of course. He holds a staff just like mine and has the most pretty cobalt blue eyes that keep changing colors in the light. His hair is soft and whitish-silver, like freshly fallen snow. His skin is paler than mine and just like me, he also wears no shoes. I instantly know that I have found my one true love.
"Want to kiss?" I say in my pretty, melodic, sad, happy, haunting, harmonic, flute-like voice.
"Sure," he says.
And so we kiss.
Meanwhile, the bird-woman thing in the corner is sharpening her swords and glaring at me. Or maybe she's just staring really intensely because I'm so perfect and beautiful. I find the latter option kind of disgusting.
I keep kissing Jack anyway. Even though he hasn't even told me his name yet.
Toothiana's POV
Must. Kill. Hmm…I cannot do it here…I must divert her. Get her alone, when Jack is not around. Then I can tell him that she fell off a cliff or something. Yeah. That'll work. She looks like the kind who would fall off a cliff.
Hehe. Definitely.
DarkHorseBlueSky's POV
Forget it, Toothy. The author gets first dibs. I'm getting her!
Moon's POV
Yes. Yes! We have two girls locked on the target. Kill…
But preferably not Jack.
Even though the writer of this horrible story has made him a ditzy Marty Stu, he's still a good Guardian and will return to the path of normalcy and sanity as soon as Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy is dead. Again.
Go. Go. Go.
Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy's POV
Then suddenly I feel myself being yanked away from Jack. "NOOOOO!" I scream.
"Rosie-pie!" Jack screams with me.
But there is that weird bird lady holding him back. Who is pulling me then? I use my awesome Mary Sue powers to yank free and turn around, but turning around is a mistake. I find a deadly weapon sticking out of my stomach –– a spork.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream again, this time abusing the O's.
"Oh yes, Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy," the holder of the lethal spork says. She is a girl, younger than me and definitely uglier (because even on my deathbed I am prettier than everybody else in the world) with thick, wild dark hair and red glasses and blue denim clothes and a wicked smile stretching across her face. "I am afraid to say yes."
And as I fell to the ground, I heard two voices:
The moon's, saying "YES! FINALLY!"
And some creepy English guy saying way too peppily, "Did someone just say they're afraid?"
Sky's POV
Omigods. Is that Pitch Black?
I jump over the sobbing, curled up form on the ground that is probably Jack Frost and crush the Boogerman in my infamous boa constrictor hug, named such for obvious reasons. "TAKE ME WITH YOU!"
He says something super intelligent like, "Eeeep…"
Jack's POV
No. No. No. I refuse to believe it! My beautiful Rosie-pie is DEAD! Killed by some crazy mortal fanfiction writer with a spork!
Then Tooth yanks me off the ground, says "Man up!" and slaps me.
And so I do.
Moon's POV
…And so, Rosa Violet Evergreen Daisy Anna Ivy Maria Susanna Spring Fairy died for the second time in her pathetic life, Jack returned to the path of normalcy and sanity, the five Guardians remained five, Sky got her visit to the lair through quite a few different methods of persuasion, Pitch Black was wary of mortal fangirls for quite a while longer, and the great, powerful, and insanely awesome Tsar Lunar was rid of the annoying pest that came from purchasing the wrong spirit-maker machine thingy.
And we all lived happily ever after.
Please flame!