One Without The Other
I miss Nathan. Of course I do.
I wish I knew what had spooked him so badly. Maybe it was his father; that man was so creepy.
He committed suicide after Nathan's mother left. She was nice, but kind of jumpy.
Burke was arrested on suspicion of murder. He admitted to killing Nathan. By hitting him. With the arm of a chair. He also admitted to raping him, which makes me furious that I was ever friends with him. I should have known something bad was going to happen when Burke threatened to throw him in the lake, but I was too annoyed to do anything. I practically let him rape and murder Nathan.
I just don't know how anyone could do that though. Nathan was a good person. I don't know why I didn't realise this sooner, but I loved him. I still do. His shy smile and honest brown orbs haunt my dreams.
I had one last night: a dream about the boy I love. The dream was simple; I was sitting in the barn, crying, when Nathan came in. We hugged. We had never done just that before, but it was enough. Just the feeling of wrapping my arms around him was incredible. My heart was beating like a train when I woke up. I was devastated that it was just a dream.
My mother is getting worried about me. I don't talk much. Don't eat much either. I hope she doesn't know why I'm so sad; I would be disowned by the whole community if she did. I can't let that happen. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to tell my family about how I loved Nathan. I would shout it from the hilltops, to the entire world, if I could. But I need to be able to stay here, if I was sent away, I would probably just let myself die. Nathan wouldn't want that.
Randy promised not to tell anyone about what he saw, I didn't expect him to. I thought he was ready to get me into big trouble, turns out; he was ashamed of the community as well. He made me promise not to tell after he said that. I haven't seen him since, don't think I ever will. I don't mind, I need to be alone right now.
I broke up with Evelyn, too. She was always on my back, constantly going on about us getting married someday. I couldn't cope with her anymore. Marrying her would feel like turning my back on Nathan and what we had. I know a lot of people don't marry for love, and I know that people like me and Nathan wouldn't be allowed to get married, but I still couldn't even think about marrying Evelyn. My father said it was a shame and that she was a nice girl who would make a fine wife. I just nodded and told him I'd find another girl. I don't think I will though. I'd rather spend my time alone, thinking of the time I had with Nathan.
Nathan.
The boy who loved me.
The boy I still love.
The boy I couldn't protect.
The love that I lost.