Hi all, I know I've got other things to be writing, and I'll get around to them, but I wanted to try this out. I don't write in first person because I don't like it, but I think this idea of just the thoughts of one of our favorite ninja giving their thoughts on the one they love or a situation they were in. So for each chapter it will just be one person, giving their thoughts, like a diary entry. The pairing will change with every new chapter. We begin this with Sai.

Rating: T for implied things and such.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Dear Diary

Sai

"I love you"

I wanted to say "I love you" to him because even then I knew I had few chances to do so. There was someone else, you see. To him, there was always someone else. If you looked close enough you could see it in his eyes. I could at least, the ghost of the one he knew he'd never get back.

He was haunted, but I loved him anyway.

In retrospect, I think I was more of a fool then all the people whispering about me thought. Because from that first moment of meeting, I was his and I knew – somehow, even then, I knew – that he would never be mine. Yet I loved him anyway, willing to be a substitute – whether I was adequate or not, to this day I do not know – to ease his heart, and even warm his bed on those lonely nights.

I was such a fool.

I had known from the beginning how he felt; it wasn't something he tried to hide, or maybe he just didn't try and hide it from me. I latched on anyway. Because I thought everyone knew, it was the logical assumption since everyone looked at him when we would go out anywhere, pitying him; everyone except me. Until the day came when I realized it wasn't him they were looking at. He was a hero in their eyes. People don't pity their heroes.

That pity was for me, and now even I pity myself for who I was—for who I am.

Because I still love him, even now, years after all of it. I said my good-byes to all of them some time ago; I was no longer wanted there – regardless of how he would deny it, I just knew – and once I was gone their trio moved on to greater things.

I had been holding him back—all of them, with my selfishness.

I still watch him, though, maybe more closely now than before, but I feel I have good reason. That ghost blew back into his life, and though I can see he isn't as haunted now, my heart is weighed down by the phantom of him.

It is a vicious cycle, but I don't complain, just watch over him as I accept his choice.

People gaze at me now with more pity than before though, because they all know – or at least think they know – and I can hear them whisper and laugh when they see me watching him—watching them.

They don't understand.

I wasn't there the first time his heart was left shattered. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for letting that happen to him, regardless that I had nothing to do with the situation at the time. But at least if it happens again, I can be there the way I should have been then. So I watch on, his guardian, burdened by the way he changed me and haunted by the happiness he gave me, which is all but gone now, a distant memory I can never quite grasp the edges of.

I watch on, unnoticed in the wake of his joy, no regrets but one.

I never got to say "I love you" to him. The opportunities slipped away from me too quickly without me ever realizing they were actually gone. I waited too long, his phantom, the ghost who had haunted him for years I can't even count, came back into his life, whisking him away – him and, after a time, every friend I had made.

Now I am left, alone, just watching over my Naruto.