Summary: another light hearted, almost-parody. Hobbes had a dream, and he just has to tell his fellow 5th Columnists about it during a long, boring car ride to wherever. Do you remember that one episode of Muppet Babies where they imagine they're in Star Wars? Yeah, it's kind of like that...but sexy! This whole fic was inspired by an interview in which Elizabeth Mitchell compared Erica's wardrobe to Han Solo. My mind does weird things with information like that. I hope you enjoy the result.
Pairings: Ch.1 - Erica/Lisa
Rating: T, for shamelessly immature man-thoughts and sexy girl-girl kissing. If you find anything in this fic objectionable, just remember: Hobbes did it!
Hobbes' New Hope
"I had the strangest dream last night." Hobbes announced, breaking the silence in the car from the back seat. Ryan, also in the back seat, turned to look at him, neutral but bored enough by the long car ride to be intrigued. Jack continued to stare out the front passenger side window, ignoring the man he so desperately tried not to hate. Erica, behind the wheel, merely turned her eyes up to the rearview mirror to sneak a peek. Hobbes was staring back at her, smirking.
Ugh. thought Erica, disgusted by her attraction to him. He thought he was sooo entertaining. The worst part about that being that sometimes he really was.
"Come on, doesn't anybody want to hear what it was about?" Hobbes prodded them with mock enthusiasm. Jack sighed, louder than Erica thought he would.
"Please." said Jack, his tone dry. "Share with us."
Hobbes chuckled, already satisfied with himself. He was confident that the rest of the car would get a kick out of this.
"Well, it started out with the three of you...on a spaceship."
One of Ryan's eyebrows went up, but not even that high. So far, he was not impressed.
"Hold on, spaceman, I'm just getting started." said Hobbes. "It wasn't a Visitor ship. It was the Millenium Falcon."
"Ohh, the Millenium Falcon." Ryan said sarcastically. "That makes a lot more sense."
Hobbes chuckled again. "Jack was Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"Really?" said Ryan. "I would have thought Luke for Jack."
"Are you kidding?" Erica said, glancing in the rearview again and then at Jack with a kind smile. "That's a perfect match. The wise religious figure...?"
"That gets martyred by movie's end." Jack added in a murmur, shaking his head and throwing in an eyeroll. Erica chuckled silently, giving him another sympathetic smile.
"Was I Luke?" Ryan asked, his features rising hopefully.
"You're an alien." Hobbes said simply. "You were Chewbacca."
Ryan's features fell again, his mouth flat and his eyes back to unimpressed.
"Tyler was Luke." Hobbes explained. Erica softened a little at that. To her, that image was kind of cute. Of course, Hobbes could find a way to ruin anything, and Erica's softer smile turned to a smirking sigh when Hobbes went on to say that Luke was the whiny brat that never did as he was told.
"Let me guess," Erica cut in dryly. "You were Han Solo, and I had two donuts strapped to my head?"
"No, actually." Hobbes told her, grinning. "You were Han Solo."
Erica stared at him in the mirror, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. Hmm.
"And you were Princess Leia?" Ryan said. "Okay, that almost makes up for the Chewbacca thing."
"I wasn't in the dream." said Hobbes, turning to look out his window. "I was just watching it all take place."
"So you weren't Darth Vader?" Jack asked him. Erica and Ryan caught each other's eye in the mirror, both grinning as they stifled their laughter. For Jack, those were fighting words.
"Anna was Darth Vader." said Hobbes, ignoring the jab. "Except she wasn't half machine; there was no helmet, just a skintight, leather catsuit that zipped down the front of her body, all the way to her-"
"Alright, so who's Leia?" Ryan interrupted him, as a favor to Erica and Jack, and because he was officially giving in to the ridiculousness.
"What'shername, Tyler's girlfriend...the hot, blonde V..."
"Lisa?" Ryan supplied.
Hobbes smiled smugly. "Yes. Lisa."
"But, Han and Leia..." Jack started and trailed off, realizing before he finished asking what Hobbes was implying.
"Yes, Jack." Hobbes said, oh so patronizingly. "Han and Leia." Hobbes looked at Erica's eyes in the mirror, but she wouldn't look at him, so he checked the little bit of her face he could see from the back seat. She was still smirking.
And so, since the Fantastic Four of the Fifth Column had nowhere to go and nothing better to talk about, they listened to Hobbes tell his strange tale...
It started on the Death Star. Erica Solo, Chew-Ryan and Ty Skywhiner were on their way to Princess Lisa's detention cell. Ryan was in handcuffs, so they could trick the guards into thinking they were escorting a traitorous Visitor to his cell. It was easy for Erica to pass herself off as po-lice, but Tyler wouldn't stop whining about having to wear a stormtrooper's uniform, having to carry a heavy gun, and the fact that he even had to go to the Death Star in the first place when all he really wanted to do was ride his hovercraft to the Whiny Station to pick up some whiny converters -
"Tyler is not that whiny!" Erica exclaimed, interrupting because she just couldn't take any more of Kyle bashing her son.
"You're only saying that because he's never around anymore." said Hobbes. "I've only spent five minutes with the boy and that's all I can remember."
Erica was about to sass him back when she felt Jack's hand on her wrist. The look in Jack's eyes when she turned to glance at him told her not to bother. Hobbes rolled his eyes at this, and continued.
Ryan, in handcuffs and being led by the sexy Erica Solo-
"Wait a minute," said Ryan. "Am I all furry? I mean, do I actually look like a Wookiee?"
"No, you look like you." Hobbes assured him.
In the driver's seat, Erica's smirk softened again. He thought she was sexy.
Ryan, in handcuffs and being led by the sexy Erica Solo and her idiot son -
"Kyle." Erica warned him, implying it would be the last time.
- and her son, Ty Skywhiner, suddenly broke free. Their ruse over, the three of them overtook the guards, and they were able to approach Princess Lisa's detention cell without further incident. Since he'd whined so much, Erica allowed Tyler to be the one to press the button that opened the door. The door whooshed open, and Tyler, thank GOD, lost his ability to speak when he stepped inside. The Princess he saw before him was so hot, so cute, so scantily clad and blonde -
"What was she wearing?" Ryan asked.
"Ryan, would you just let him tell the rest?" Jack said, nearing exasperation, knowing that the less they interrupted him, the faster the story would be over. The last thing Jack needed while sitting next to Erica on a long car ride was a protracted blonde-on-blonde sex fantasy told in excruciating detail. Oh wait, Hobbes hadn't mentioned that yet...
Princess Lisa was lying on her side on the cold, metal bench. She wore a tight, mini-skirted version of the classic white gown, and it rode up on her thighs when she sat up, leaning on one elbow as she smirked at Tyler and said "Aren't you a little short to be a resistance fighter?"
"My...mom...made me wear this." Tyler stammered. Then he bit his lip. "I mean, my name is Ty Skywhiner, and we're here to rescue you."
"Who's 'we', pipsqueak?"
"Me, my mom and Jackie-Wan Kenobi."
"What? Your mom is with you?" said Lisa, sitting up the rest of the way and looking a lot more interested than she had a few seconds ago.
"Yeah, so?" Tyler shot back petulantly. "Jack, too. Remember, you said in your message he was your only hope?"
"Yes, of meeting your mother. Where is she?" Lisa inquired, trying to peer over Tyler's shoulder as she stood from the bench. Tyler ogled her as she adjusted the hem of her dress and then her cleavage. Lisa bit her lip nervously, pulling her long blonde hair over her shoulder, and combing it with her fingers. Confident that she looked good enough to meet the legendary Erica Solo, Lisa walked toward the door. Tyler offered his hand, reaching for Lisa's when she didn't take it, but she swatted him away and stepped outside. Lisa's lips parted slightly when she saw Erica, in her skintight, skinny leg jeans - black with a red stripe on each side - big black boots and a black vest over a plain white shirt.
Erica turned to look at the Princess. Her hardened, battle-ready expression transformed into a raised eyebrow and soft smirk and, to Tyler's horror, the next few moments played out in slow motion.
"Mrs. Evans." said Lisa, her voice as sweet as cotton candy.
Erica took a step toward her, the confidence and the swagger causing every circuit in the Death Star to malfunction. "Call me Erica." she said, smooth and sultry. She'd crossed the distance between them, and as she slowly reached up to place her tender hand just below Lisa's jaw, Tyler felt a panic seize him. His mother was leaning in to kiss his beloved princess, and he was powerless to stop it.
"Erica..." Lisa moaned.
"Nnnoooooo!" Tyler shouted at quarter-speed, his voice the only one pitched lower by the change, just to entertain the dreamer. As the girls' lips met, he lunged for them, but Ryan lunged for Tyler and held him back, forcing him to watch them totally make out.
"In slow motion?" Ryan repeated, still not buying any of it. "Humans dream in slow motion?"
He was the only one still outwardly reacting to Hobbes' vivid descriptions. Erica and Jack sat silent in the front, and Hobbes was sure he'd mortified them both. Oh yes, he was quite pleased with himself. Reacting or telling him to stop would mean that they cared, that something in the story bothered them somehow, and admitting that was out of the question. So they had to listen to the rest.
Erica, the warm and tender yet still commanding mother figure that Lisa had been longing for her whole life, pressed her lips softly to Lisa's, eliciting a soft moan from the younger of the women. Tyler's spirit crumpled, crushed like so much trash in a trash compactor, and yet it still cried out for mercy when his mother slipped his girlfriend some tongue.
"Why," Tyler whimpered. "Why?"
Ryan rested a big, strong hand on the young man's shoulder. "You deserve this."
Suddenly, the sound of blaster fire drew Ryan's attention to the end of the hallway. "We've got company!" Ryan shouted in Erica Solo's place, since Erica's tongue was still in Lisa's mouth. Without stopping the hot makeout, without turning or looking or even opening one eye to take a peek at the opposition, Erica pulled the blaster from her hip holster and fired three times, felling all three guards with a single shot each. She blindly tossed the gun to Ryan, using her newly freed hand to feel up Lisa's side. Erica released Lisa's lips, and Lisa opened her big, innocent blue eyes.
"How did you find me?" Lisa asked her savior.
"Mmm," Erica moaned. "Jack told me to use the Force..."
With her last word, Erica grabbed Lisa's wrists and used her hips to shove the Lisa into the wall. Pinning her hands above her head, Erica covered her mouth with a furious kiss, and alarms went off all over the space station, bathing the hallway in spinning red lights.
"I can't take this anymore!" Tyler wailed, jumping into the nearest garbage shoot. Ryan tried to grab his foot, but he wasn't really trying that hard, and the boy slipped away.
In the car, Ryan had his hand over his eyes, laughing as if it hurt. "Oh, nooo." he moaned. "Hobbes, that is so wrong."
"I forgot to mention," said Hobbes. "Erica's shirt was unbuttoned down to here, but with the tight black vest, her cleavage was out to here, and Lisa's tight little dress had at some point turned into a bikini..."
"Erica, I would not let your son jump to his death." Ryan told her, trying so hard to stop laughing as he leaned forward and touched both her shoulders reassuringly. He sat back, and asked Hobbes "Do we even have those robots to save him from the trash compactor?"
"Droids." Erica corrected him, her voice almost cracking because she was trying not to laugh herself. "They're called droids."
"Ryan!" shouted Jack in the dream, as he ran down the hallway toward his comrades. He was dressed like a monk, and his rope belt had a small plush toy in the shape of a Pokemon hanging from it. "Erica, Princess Lisa!" he said in surprise, but they wouldn't pay him any attention. They were too busy rubbing their bodies against each other as if they were alone in bed, so Jack turned back to Ryan. "Where's Tyler, what happened?"
"Why are you so interested in what happens to that underage boy?" Ryan asked him suspiciously.
"Oh," Jack burst in real life, no longer able to remain silent. "That's wonderful. I'm a pedophile. Very original, Kyle."
"Suspected pedophile." Hobbes corrected him, as if that made it all better. "It never gets confirmed. You sound very defensive, Jack. I'll stop if you want me to."
Jack shook his head, sighing harshly and uncomfortably, upset that Hobbes got to him so easily. Jack wondered if that part was even in the dream at all, or if he'd just thrown that detail in to get a reaction from him. If Erica was amused by it, though...maybe he was just being a party pooper.
Ryan rubbed his bald head, grimacing. "I wanna hear the rest." he admitted sheepishly, leaving it open to Erica and Jack to veto that decision. They remained silent, though Erica hoped her silence was taken as a yes. She just wanted to see where this was all headed.
Erica Solo took Princess Lisa by the hand and, together with Chew-Ryan and Jackie-Wan Kenobi, hauled ass toward the docking bay to get back to the Millenium Falcon. Suddenly, their way was blocked by the dreaded Lord of the V's, Darth Anna! She stood in front of their ship in her leather catsuit, flanked by stormtroopers on either side, striking a sexy pose as she declared her imminent victory.
"Your plan to save the Princess has failed." she informed them. "She will remain on this space station with me, and you will all perish - after I have had sex with each and every one of you."
"Whoooa, whoa whoa whoa." Ryan stopped Hobbes. "You do realize she devours any male she mates with?"
"You're joking." Hobbes said, genuinely shocked, his laughter breaking off abruptly so he could ask a very important question. "What about females?"
"Sorry, man. There have been no documented cases."
"Well, either way," said Hobbes. "If I'd only known..."
"Stand back!" Jack told his companions. "I can handle this. She has no power over me, for I am sexless."
"Jack." Erica said sympathetically.
"Are you really going to sacrifice yourself to make sure we make it off the Death Star alive?" Ryan asked.
"Yes." Jack answered them stoically.
Erica and Ryan looked at each other and shrugged. "Okay." they both said, stepping aside to let the battle take place. Before Anna could attack, a tiny but insistent voice came echoing through the ventilation shafts of the station.
"It stinks in here!" the voice whined.
Everyone, including Anna, was distracted for a moment by the whining. They all glanced around, wondering where it was coming from. Tyler was still in the trash compactor.
"Moo-oooom!"
Erica sighed. "I should probably go get him."
"Are you suuure?" Lisa said oh so adorably, tugging on Erica's hand. Erica turned to her and smiled, taking Lisa's smiling face in her free hand and going straight for another kiss.
"Enough." Anna said suddenly. With a flick of her wrist and a wave of her hand, everyone except Jack went flying through the air, hitting the walls and tumbling to the floor. Jack gulped as Anna came closer to him. Her snake-like smile was mesmerizing.
"Shouldn't we be using some sort of...swords...made of light?" Jack asked, stalling for time.
"I don't need a lightsaber." Anna said, her voice like black silk. "I have sex appeal."
"Uh, I..." Jack stammered. He grabbed the Pokemon toy from his belt, ripping it from the rope and flinging it at Anna in an attempt to distract her. She plucked it from the air with an animal's reflexes and squeezed it harshly in her fist, never breaking eye contact.
"Your adorable children's toys have no effect on me, Jackie-Wan." "Come onnn, it's Psyduck!" Jack pleaded. "He's so confused!"
"I eat befuddled ducks for breakfast!" Anna shouted. She brought the toy to her mouth and bit its head off, not realizing it would be stuffed with polyester fiber. While she made an icky-face and tried to spit the puffy filling out of her mouth, Jack told the others to run for it.
Hobbes began describing in intimate detail how Anna went about seducing Jack, but Jack didn't let him get very far. Erica wondered if he would have gotten farther if she wasn't in the car with them.
"Alright, Kyle, enough!"
"Oh come on, I gave you Anna!"
"But I was hating every second of it!" Jack shot back good naturedly, getting into it now.
"Not without reason." Hobbes reminded him. "She's a lizard queen! No offense, Ryan."
"None taken, though I have to admit I'm a little jealous. Shouldn't knock it til you tried it, is all I'm saying."
"Didn't you say she eats her mate like a praying mantis?" Jack inquired.
"Yeah," Ryan confirmed. "But still, what a way to go, you know?"
"I guess I didn't think a celibate man would be so picky." Hobbes cut in. "Is there something you're not telling us, Jackie?"
"You could have at least let me watch what Erica and Princess Lisa were doing..." Jack murmured, smirking and throwing a sideways glance at Erica. It was Hobbes turn to open his eyes wide and laugh, looking at Ryan to make sure he hadn't been the only one to hear it.
"We are such a bad influence on you." Erica said to Jack, shaking her head and grinning.
So Jackie-Wan Kenobi was taken by Darth Anna as her mate...or something. He sacrificed himself for the greater good, allowing Erica and Ryan just enough time to get the Princess to their ship and fly away from the Death Star, which was actually just the Visitor mother ship in disguise. Whatever! It's a dream.
Once they were free of the mother-space-ship-station, Erica had herself a big stretch, raising her arms above her head and sighing. She slouched in the pilot's seat, and looked over at Ryan.
"Gosh, I'm exhausted." she said, not being very subtle about it.
Ryan smiled knowingly. "I'll keep an eye on things."
Erica stood, patting Ryan's shoulder gratefully. "Thanks. If you need me, I'll be in my bunk."
"Okay." said Ryan.
"With Lisa." said Erica.
"Okay." said Ryan.
"Having sex." Erica elaborated.
Ryan slammed his hands on the deck and turned to her slowly. "Okay." he said, growing testy.
"Just so you know." Erica added, since she got the last word on everything. She turned toward the door of the cockpit, and Princess Lisa rose from the back seat, smiling eagerly.
"Mrs. Evans-"
"Call me Erica." she reminded her patiently, the confidence and the swagger making all the indicator lights in the cockpit flicker.
"Erica." Lisa corrected herself, smiling bashfully. "I can't wait to pick up where we left off, but shouldn't we at least try to blow up the Mother Ship before we go?"
"Oh yeah..." Erica said sadly. "But Tyler's on it..."
"No I'm not!" Tyler said happily, stepping into the cockpit.
"Dammit." Ryan muttered.
"Sweetie, you're alive!" Erica said, pretending she'd been worried the entire time. She went to hug him, and then recoiled because he was still covered in dianoga slime. "And you stink! Go take off that uniform and take a shower, for the love of-"
"Mom!" Tyler whined. "Could you please not tell me what to do in front of Princess Lisa?" He crossed his arms, and Lisa pressed herself against the wall, inching toward the door to get away from him.
"I'll be in your bed." Lisa whispered to Erica. Erica nodded upward and winked at her, then turned back to Tyler.
"Don't sit anywhere until you're cleaned up. In fact, don't stand anywhere either. Just...just float to the shower, okay? And don't touch anything. God, you smell..."
Erica turned from him to address her co-pilot before she left the cockpit.
"Ryan - hold her steady. We'll double back when I'm done having hot, lesbian sex with Lisa."
"Now," said Hobbes warningly. "This next part might be a little confusing, because I was only half asleep when I was dreaming it..."
"We're here!" Erica said sharply, slamming the brakes as she pulled into a parking space. "We're here, car ride's over."
"Thank you, sweet heavenly father." Jack proclaimed. They both whipped off their seat belts and got out of the car, leaving a very amused Hobbes and a slightly disappointed Ryan in the backseat.
"I guess neither of them wanted to hear about the girl-on-girl." said Ryan with a chuckle.
"I think the problem is that they did." Hobbes remarked. He smirked, giving Ryan a sly look. "And that was only the first third of the dream."
A/N: Yep, I left it open for sequels. Keep an eye out for The Visitors Strike Back, coming soon to an under-ship video screen near you!