I Hate You, a harry potter fanfic

Author's note: This is my first songfic. Actually, that's a lie. It's my first HP songfic, but it's my second songfic total. Still a little nervous about it. Kind of violent and scary. =\ The song I am using is "I Hate You" by Sick Puppies. Thank you for reading. Please review – I always love to hear how I could improve my writing and I love to hear that it was a good fic (if it truly was!) Might do another one for Bella/Voldy (with a different song) if this one turns out well. Again, thank you. Hope you enjoy it. =P

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in the world of HP. I only have a strong crush on it. ;]

I Hate You
A songfic by Mesteria

Every time I end up breaking you
You change into something worth keeping
Every time I'm close to saving you
You grow into a sin worth believing

The large fist came into contact with my skull, making a loud cracking sound. The blow to my head makes me a little dizzy and my knees start to give out. I try to remain standing, but then everything goes black and I feel myself falling. I landed on the ground in a heap of tender skin and delicate bones. My husband laughed darkly above me. I heard the floor creak, but I couldn't open my eyes. My body hurt too much; any muscle that I moved would send a shrill of pain throughout my whole body. I could sense that my husband was near me and I hoped that this was it for the night; there would be no more hits or kicks. He must have squatted down beside me because I felt his strong hands grab my shoulders and pick me up into a sitting-up position. He held onto my shoulders and began to shake me violently.

"Open your eyes, Bella!" he screamed at me. "Open them up!" He continued to shake me harder, almost to the point where I thought my neck might snap. And then I wished for it. "Bella," he growled. It was a warning.

So I forced my eyes open to stare back into the hatred-filled eyes of Rodolphus Lestrange. My right eye was bruised and swollen from an earlier punch to the face. Rodolphus had a mean right hook. He stopped shaking me and smiled evilly. I did not return the smile, but I also didn't glare at him. Instead, I sat there while he still grasped my shoulders, motionless and emotionless. I was tired, really, and I just wanted him to stop hurting me. I must have given him a pitiful look because his facial expression softened and he pulled me into him, enveloping me in his arms. I did not hug him; I merely rested my chin on his shoulder and looked off into the distance, eyes dull.

"Bella," he purred into my ear. "I don't like doing this to you; I hope you know that. But you just never seem to learn." He pulled me away from his body and stared at me. I refused to meet his gaze and he didn't demand that I do so. He reached up to my cheek and ran the back of his hand along my high, defined cheekbones down to my chin where he pushed my head up and forced me to look at him. He lowered his head and gently kissed me on the lips, but I didn't kiss him back.

"Rod," I breathed once he pulled away from me, resting his forehead on mine. I could barely hear my own voice. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Tonight's fight had been about my infidelity. Well, supposed infidelity. We had come home from a Death Eater meeting (also something we frequently argued over) and Rod was convinced that I had cheated on him. When I asked him where in the world he had heard such a thing, he'd hit me. I had tried to defend myself by telling him that I have always been loyal to him and always would be, but he wouldn't hear me out. He continued to beat me until now, where we now found ourselves on the floor. I apologized for cheating on him, even though I never had, because I didn't want to be punished any longer.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," he murmured, closing his eyes. He turned his head to the side and kissed me again.

You're everything I ever wanted
But it's never enough, you're never enough
I'll take whatever I can take
Whenever I can take it, if it ever comes

"I love you," Rod continued to say as he pulled his lips away from mine. He traced his lips over my cheek and I could feel the stubble from his chin poking me. He reached my ear and then began to nibble on it. I put my hands on his chest and tried to push him off of me. "Bella," he whispered into my ear, pushing his body close to mine. "Please, dear. Let me make this up to you."

But I did not want to. I tried to protest. He started to lean more into me, pushing back more and more until I was lying on the cool hardwood floor underneath him. He pressed his body onto of mine and I found it hard to breathe. I closed my eyes as Rod reached down to separate my legs, falling between them. His weight lifted off of my chest and I took a deep breath, opening my eyes. He smiled down at me and chills went down my spine, causing my body to move like a soft wave. I bucked up my hips as the chill ended, crashing into Rod's package. He chuckled. I stared up at him, not wanting to do this… not now, but knowing that he would eventually win – even if he had to take me by force. I figured that submitting to him and giving in would be better than being raped by your own spouse – was there such a thing, anyway?

Rod began to undress himself, but then he told me to unbutton his shirt, so I did. I kept my back on the floor as he kneeled between my legs. He watched me as I unbuttoned his white dress shirt. I pull the shirt out from his pants and began to remove it from his shoulders. Being on my back, I couldn't fully peel the short from his body, so Rod took the shirt off himself. Then he stood up and held out his hand. I was confused, but took his hand and he helped me up. Then he led me upstairs and to our master bedroom. I closed the door behind us, letting go of Rod's hand. He didn't seem to notice as he walked away from me, heading toward my dresser. I watched him open one of the top draws where I kept my intimates. He pulled out a black teddy and turned around to face him, smiling. He walked over to me and handed me the teddy.

"Undress and get into this," he instructed me. Then he walked back to the bed, shirtless, and sat down, watching me.

I felt awkward undressing in front of him. It used to be something I did all the time at the beginning of our marriage, willingly, and he would compliment my figure. But then he got controlling and aggressive toward me, throwing out snide remarks. So as I undressed, I waited for him to cut me to pieces. When he said nothing, I looked at him. He was watching me intently. I quickly finished undressing and pulled on my teddy. Then I looked at him, waiting for him to say anything. I wanted him to say something because not knowing what was on his mind was worse. But Rod continued to remain silent. He stood up and took off his pants, leaving only his boxers on. Then he held out his hand and I walked toward him.

After we had crawled into bed, Rod took off his boxers. He pushed me onto my back and then got on top of me, staring down at me. I could feel him pressed against my leg and I recognized the look in his eyes. Suddenly… I was scared. I put my hands on his chest. "Rod," I whispered, "please don't. I don't want to—"

He cut me off by pressing his lips against mine. And, still kissing me, he adjusted himself and entered me. Hard. I bit his lower lip and arched my back. He recoiled his lips from mine, surprised by my reaction. He smiled again and began to move atop me, hurting me. I knew he was enjoying this: hurting me physically, emotionally and now sexually. He had total control; complete and total control. Rod bent his neck down to my shoulder. I could feel his breath on my shoulder and a slight shiver went through my body. Rod laughed and penetrated me harder. I felt sick.

I hate you when you're gone, I hate you turn me on
I hate the way I need you when I don't know where you are
I love it even more when I find you on the floor
I know you think you hate me, but I will always hate you more

The next morning, I stayed in bed while Rod went into town for some business. I waited in bed for a while until I was sure he was gone. Then I finally pulled myself from the warm bed and headed for the master bathroom. I turned the water in the shower on full blast, letting the steam from the hot water rise around me before stepping inside. The water singed my skin, but it felt oddly good. I closed my eyes and stood with my face in the hot water. I ran my hands through my hair as the water continued to wash me clean. When I finished with my shower, I dried off and wrapped myself in a towel. Then I stood in front of the mirror and examined my face.

My right eye was no longer swollen, but it was pretty bruised up. The side of my face where Rodolphus had punched me was also bruised. I sighed. My body ached all over. I needed to take away these bruises and cuts before stepping out of the house for the day. Part of me wanted to go out into public with the bruises as it said, "Yes, my husband does beat me. Please help!" but it was not something that I would do. I didn't need help from anyone; I could handle things on my own. I was fine; just fine. I grabbed my wand that was lying on the counter and began to mumble the words that would take away these visible signs of abuse. Once I finished healing myself, I began to dress. I had bruises on other parts of my body, but nothing that anyone would see, so I didn't worry about it. Once I was dressed, I started to apply my make-up for the day. I usually didn't put much on, just some mascara and eyeliner, but today I decided to paint my entire face – just in case. I only applied a very thin layer to my face. Once I was satisfied, I threw my hair up on top of my head and left the house. When I stepped out onto the front porch, I was surprised to find it raining.

I didn't really know where I was going until I apparated there. I landed solidly on my feet, having perfected my apparition skills, and stared at the Malfoy Manor before me. I didn't know why I had come here, to my sister's home, but I had. So I made my way for the front door and knocked upon reaching it. The door opened slowly and I peered down to find a house elf looking at me. He ushered me inside, out of the rain, and shut the door behind me. He reached up and I took off my cloak, handing it to him. He placed it over the arm of a chair and then looked up at me.

"Your sister is in the drawing room, ma'am," he explained to me. "Let me bring her to you." He began to walk off, leaving me in the foyer, but I stopped him. He turned around to look at me as I spoke.

"No, no," I assured him, already walking off in the direction of the room. "It's fine. I'll go to her. No need for assistance."

Upon reaching the drawing room, the door was open just a crack. I peered inside and saw my sister sitting in the sofa, knees brought up to her chest, a book resting on them. She had a mug in her free hand and seemed to be at an interesting part of the book. I heard a crackle and a hiss and assumed that the fireplace, which was out of view, was burning. I took a breath and rapped on the door gently with my knuckles. As I pushed the door open, Narcissa looked up at me. When she saw me, her face brightened and she grinned.

"Bella!" she exclaimed, placing her mug on the table next to the sofa and discarding her book. She rushed toward me and wrapped her arms around me. When she pulled away, she kissed me on the cheek. "How are you?"

I forced a smile. She offered me a seat and I took it. Narcissa resumed her position on the sofa. "I'm fine, thanks," I lied. I looked around the room. It felt so odd being here; Cissy was only recently married and while she seemed to have adjusted to it, I still felt odd about it all. I looked back to her, smiling. "How are you?"

"I'm fantastic," she breathed, blushing slightly. "I love being married; it's wonderful!" She couldn't stop grinning and I don't think anyone could knock the grin from her face.

"Lucius treats you well, then?" I asked, trying not to sound anything but normal.

She nodded, her blonde hair falling over her shoulders. "Very well, Bella," she assured me. She sighed contentedly. "He's so wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better husband…." She continued to go on and on about being married and how great it was and how wonderful Lucius was. I started to tune her out, growing very jealous of my sister, and began to think back on my own marriage. What had happened to cause Rodolphus to become such a monster? I couldn't pin it down, though I searched through our time together frantically in my mind. The only thing I could think of was when I became a loyal follower of the Dark Lord, fighting for him. But it was Rod's idea in the first place; why would he be upset with me?

I must have looked upset because I heard Cissy breaking through my thoughts. "Bella," she said. "Bella… Bella, why are you crying?"

I looked at her; she wore a worried expression on her face. I instantly reached up to my eyes and wiped the tears away. I never cried; what was the matter with me? This was such a stupid idea coming here. I jumped up from my chair, trying to ignore Cissy's worried face. "I have to go," I announced. I stared at her and then turned to rush out of the room. I ran down to the foyer and swung the front door open. It was raining harder now. I ran out to the place where I had apparated from earlier and disapparated, back to my home.

Once I landed, I stumbled into my house, dripping wet. I didn't know what to do. I didn't hear any noises in the house; Rod must still have been away. I turned and went into the dining room. I walked to the far back corner and bent down in front of the liquor cabinet. I grabbed whatever I could hold with my two arms and walked up to the bedroom. I sank against the bed, sitting on the floor in my wet clothes. Damn it; I'd forgotten my cloak at Cissy's house. I brought a bottle of liquor to my lips and began to drink. It burnt the back of my throat, but I refused to stop. I drowned myself in the bottles until I could feel myself loose all sorts of control in my body. My brain felt fuzzy and things were spinning slightly, but I continued to drink. I was halfway done with a second bottle of firewhiskey when my bedroom door slammed opened. I put the bottle down and stared at the man approaching me, looking enraged.

"Where were you?" he demanded upon reaching me.

I looked up at my husband, smiling. And then I laughed. I extended my arm. "Help me up, Roddy," I said, my words slurred. I continued to smile at him. He reached down and pulled me up. He was so forceful that when he let go of me, I collapsed into him. He quickly wrapped his arms around me to keep me from falling. I pulled back a little to stare at him. "Do you want something to drink?" My voice was quiet now and my lips weren't far away from his. I searched his face with my eyes, suddenly finding him very attractive. I grabbed a hold of his shirt collar and pulled him back toward the bed. He fell on top of me and I laughed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his head toward mine, brushing my lips against his.

"I hate you," I whispered into his ear as he sucked on my neck. This time, it was his turn to laugh.

I never knew until I got a taste
What a waste for what I had been through
'Cause nothing ever really makes that change
I'm so ashamed of what I did to you

Apparently, I am a much better fuck when I'm completely wasted. Or at least that's what Rod told me the next morning after I'd woken up feeling very sore and having a most awful headache. I didn't remember much from last night; the last thing I remember was pulling Rod on top of me and making out with him. After that, there was a lot of nothing, until this morning. I listened to Rod talk, resting my head on his shoulder, and then I looked up at him. I was appalled to see scratches on his face and a faint handprint on his face.

"Merlin!" I said, moving back from him, afraid he might now go after me. "What happened?"

Rod chuckled and reached up to put his hand on the back of my head. He pushed my face into his, our lips touching. I pulled back from him, waiting for an answer.

"You apparently," he began, smiling, "like to be in control. Everything was going normally and then suddenly, you just got this burst of forcefulness – I don't know how; you were completely gone – and you totally just took over." He laughed. He was acting as if he actually liked it. Then he stopped laughing and looked at me seriously. He sat up slowly and I shrunk away from him. I didn't totally believe that he was okay with last night's situation. He came closer to me and I tried to move away again, but he reached out to stop me.

"Bella," he said, pulling me closer to him. He wrapped his arms tightly around me, holding me close to his body. He kissed my head. I refused to relax against him. "I'm so sorry, Bella, for everything bad that I've ever done to you. I don't know why I did it, but you opened my eyes last night. It was like you were finally standing up for yourself… finally getting angry with me." He sighed. "Baby, please forgive me." He buried his mouth into my hair and I closed my eyes. I felt my muscles give in and my body letting down its defense. He kissed my head and I melted, falling for him again. "Let me make it up to you…."

I had to let you in to feel that rush
You were too much, way too much
I'll take whatever I can take
Whenever I can take it, if it ever comes

It was that line that caused me to stiffen against him and try to get away. But he held onto my tighter, laughing. I began to mentally kick myself for falling again for his tricks. I struggled against his grip again and I could feel him press his fingers into my arms, keeping me close. I could already feel my arms bruising.

"What is it, Bella?" he asked teasingly. "You don't want to do this? But you enjoyed it so much last night…." His voice trailed off and I felt myself being pushed back against the bed one more time. Rod climbed on top of me, smiling. He held my arms above my head.

"Rod, please," I said, shaking my head. "Please don't. I don't want to do this."

The smile fell from his face. "Oh, so it's okay if you're control, but not me?" he asked in a surprised tone. I knew he was faking it. He brought his face close to mine. "I want you feel what it's like, Bella."

Tears formed behind my eyes. I knew what it was like. It happened all the time. I began to cry and Rodolphus laughed at me. "Please, Rod… no," I begged as he adjusted himself between my legs. I struggled under him, trying to make it harder for him to get inside of me. But it only seemed to feed his fire. He leaned over my body, pressing his weight into me, ducking his head off to the side of mine and breathing on my shoulder. I was about to bite his shoulder when I felt him enter me. It wasn't like normal. He was much more forceful; more forceful than he had been the other night. It hurt a lot more, too. I arched my back and took a deep breath, trying to recoil away from the pain. He still had my hands held above my head. He was beginning to hurt my wrists.

"Rod, please stop," I whispered into his ear. He continued to move in and out of me roughly. I balled my hands into fists, even though I couldn't punch at him. I attempted to move underneath him, trying to screw up his rhythm, but he just went harder and faster. Then he took his weight off my body and let go of my arms. I instantly pressed my hands to chest his. "Get off!" I was screaming at him now. It seemed to enrage him. He took one of his hands and slapped me across the face. It stung, but I still continued to fight him. I was screaming at him, not having a clue what I was saying and I kept trying to push him off of me, asking to him to please stop, Rod, please. I was making him angry: I could see it written all over his face. And then I saw his fist and I heard the collision of bone on bone and then… it was black.

When I came to, my face hurt. And my head; I had a very frightful headache (worse than before). I was a little dizzy and the light hurt my eyes. I was excepting to see Rod standing above me, ready to beat me into submission, but instead, I felt a warm hand on my forearm. I rolled my head to the side and squinted at the person sitting on the edge of the bed. Cissy.

She smiled at me when she saw me trying to open my eyes. She reached out her hand to smooth back my hair and then she bent down to kiss my forehead. "Hey, love," she whispered to me. She put her hand over top my hand that was on my stomach. She didn't say anything, only stared at me and smiled. I let my eyes close and dozed off again.

Waking up the second time, I was feeling a little better. Cissy was still on the edge of my bed. She was reading a book now, her one hand still on mine. When I tried to sit up, she looked over at me and then put her book down. "Easy," she said, standing up to help me sit up. That's when I realized I had clothes on. I was so confused. When I felt stable enough to sit up by myself, Cissy resumed her position on the edge of the bed. She reached out for my hand again and I let her take it. "How are you feeling?"

I tried to laugh, but it only hurt my head. "I'm confused," I croaked. Weak; I felt weak, too. I reached down to feel the clothes on my body. It wasn't really anything, just a simply nightdress. "Why am I dressed?"

Cissy tilted her head to the side and put the back of her free hand on my forehead. "Bella, you were dressed when I got here," she explained to me, letting her hand fall down. She smiled. "Rod said that you fell pretty hard down the stairs. You don't remember, do you?"

Dressed when she got there? Fell down the stairs? That fucking bastard.

"Where is Rodolphus?" I asked Cissy.

"Downstairs with Lucius," she explained. She began to stand up. "I'll get him to let him know you're up."

"No!" I said as loud as I could muster. I pulled her arm back, telling her to stop. She sat back down on the bed, looking at me intently. I shook my head. "Cissy, he's lying. Look at me. Look at me! Does this look like I 'fell down the stairs'?"

As Cissy stared at me, tears began to fall silently down her face. She reached up with her free hand and shakily brought it to my face, running her two fingers from my forehead to my chin slowly. "You just never talk about anything," Cissy whispered, her voice shaky as well. "You just nod and go with the flow. I never wanted to just assume and have you burn me from your life, too. I couldn't handle that, Bella. I should have said something, though, because he could have killed you."

I smiled at my sister and squeezed her hand. "He hasn't killed me," I told her after a short pause. "Yet. But, Cissy… I don't know what to do. I made a vow to him. I can't break that because of some little squalls—"

Cissy gaped at me. "Little squalls?" she repeated. "Bella, he… he knocked you out! And I have reason to believe that this wasn't the first time. I seriously cannot believe that you're protecting him—"

"I'm not protecting him!" I retorted loudly, angry that my sister would ever even think that. She leaned away from me and didn't say anything. She looked down at her lap. When I spoke again, whispering, she sheepishly turned to look at me. "It's just not as easy as you think it is. I've thought about it a lot, but it's just not easy. There's so much to consider."

"Like what?" Cissy asked.

"For starters," I began, "where would I go? I can't go back to live with dear Mum and Dad; they would send me right back and say that Rodolphus was right in his attempt to control me, that I'm too headstrong."

Cissy smiled and chuckled. She squeezed my hand. Then she leaned in close to me and kissed my forehead. "You can live with me," she replied softly.

I pretended not to hear her. "Then there's the whole not-telling-Mum-and-Dad thing to think about," I trudged on. "I mean, I'm sure Rodolphus would go to them and cry victim, getting them to be on his side." I sighed. "Then… the Dark Lord. He'd think I'm weak. He'd punish me…."

Cissy shook her head. "No," she said firmly. "He'll help you to become stronger; a better fighter. And if he'd punish you, then he'd have to punish Rod, too. Everyone knows that Rod is jealous of you." I gave her a surprised look and she rolled her eyes. "Bella, please. Rod told Lucius that the only reason he brought you to see the Dark Lord was because he wanted you to join them in battle because he wanted to prove that he was better than his wife. C'mon; don't you remember in school how mad he would get when you'd beat him at something? Especially if it was 'his thing'; he'd freak out! He acted worse than a girl sometimes. And when you kept showing him up as a better Death Eater, he took matters into his own hands." She paused and seemed to be thinking about something.

I was slightly astounded that Cissy had figured this out. I stared at her, but then it all began to make sense. Cissy smiled at me and then stood up. She pulled her hand away from mine and began to walk away. "Where are you going?" I asked.

Cissy looked back at me and smiled. Her smile was always so reassuring. "I'm going downstairs to talk to Lucius," she said. "To tell him the news"

"What news?"

Cissy laughed. "That you're moving in with us. Start packing." And she turned around and left the room before I could protest. I sat back against my pillows and stared at the dresser across from the bed that held most of my things. I slowly got out of bed, hoping that I'd be okay to stand on my own. I rested my palms on the bed to steady myself for a moment as a wave of vertigo washed over me. Once it was over, I stood up and began to walk over to the dresser. I summoned some luggage over and began to slowly pack my things.

As I was halfway done filling up a suitcase, I heard the pounding of feet. There was some banter and then it was quiet. I looked at the door expectedly. The door flew open and slammed on the wall. I winced. Rodolphus was breathing hard in the doorway, glaring at me. Cissy and Lucius were right behind him. Rodolphus stepped into the room and began to make his way toward me. My wand I had stupidly left… I glanced around the room, trying to locate it: it was lying on the end table next to the bed. Shit. I could accio for it, but there is no saying that Rod would hurt me in front of my sister and brother-in-law. Then again, there was no saying that he wouldn't.

"Rodolphus," Cissy called out, causing my husband to falter in his steps and glance over his shoulder. "Don't you dare touch her."

Upon reaching me, Rodolphus stared down at me. I was scared of him. I felt as if it were just he and I in the room, no one else. I had once felt this way about him, but in a much different sense. I stared up at him, challenging his gaze.

"You're leaving," was all he said.

I nodded. "Yes," I said firmly. "At least for a little while." He stepped toward me and I saw Cissy raise her wand. He continued to stare at me before reaching up to gently tuck some hair behind my ear. I flinched as he did so, but then relaxed slightly. Then he slowly wrapped his arms around me and pressed me against his firm body.

I did not hug him back, though I knew he wanted me to. He bent his down and told me not to leave him, that he would change. He told me that he already missed me. I didn't buy any of it; I'd heard it al before. So I put my hands on his chest and pushed against him, feeling how strong his muscles were. He let go of me and stepped back, walking backward from me.

"I hate you," Rod hissed at me.

I smirked. "I'll always hate you more," I replied. Rod glared at me one last second before turning and leaving the room, brushing passed Cissy and Lucius. Cissy watched him leave and then turned around to look at me. She smiled and began to cross the room over to me. When she reached me, she grabbed my hand and then together we finished packing my things.