This narrative was molded around the short story I recently posted in my other fanfic 'Elegant, Graceful, and Clumsy'. Because of a recent fic posting by fellow author Merk (you may know her as BuddhaBooty), I was compelled to draft a similar set of quickie-shorts based on ten randomly shuffled songs. More details on how it works can be found on her set of shorts in '10 Typos for Awerewolf'.
The inspiration for this one story in particular was a song performed by Chicago by the name 'Hard Habit To Break'
A note to my usual readers: Updates for the previously mentioned fic up above (I shouldn't have to point) will continue once I am settled back into the college way of life.. (And after tossin' a few brewskies around with my homies, of course!)
So, without any further introduction, we begin...
Hard Habit To Break
Part One – Look Away
--
Who hasn't experienced the pain of love… Or, is it the pain of rejection?
The pain of self doubt?
The pain of fear?
When trying to place the pain surrounding love, one is more likely referring to the 'add-ons' of love. For one reason or another, many people assume that negative emotions are just a part—or an element—of love. But to those who have experienced this before, they come to understand that this simply isn't the case.. Love is never painful; it feels incredible.
The pain and hurt one feels does not come from love.
It comes from their doubts, their fears.. anxiety, rejection, broken trust, anger, jealousy, and envy…
Perhaps it is because they feel these uncomfortable emotions most often in association with their relationships. Especially the first time around, a loving relationship is important to everyone, so they assume that these doubts, or these fears, are all part of the loving experience..
But, is that really true?
When an individual is fearful, angry, anxious, unhappy or jealous, are they truly experiencing a state of love? These emotions sure feel different from what many of us believe to be true love.. Love, which is warm, open, joyous and filled with a deep sense of appreciation.
But if then, by chance, one felt an emptiness in their lives filled when that one special person appeared, do they fear the emptiness could return once that one leaves? Many would say yes… That fear incites the drive to keep that one around, no matter the consequence. Dependency can create all types of fears and unhappiness when there is a perceived threat to them staying together. But what many fail to understand, is that sometimes there is a breaking point, where one just cannot let go and move on with their lives..
Even when they know and recognize that there is little chance of their flame to be re-ignited.
This was a preconceived notion that proved true for one, and how he subsequently chose to deal with the pain of losing the woman he cared most about. All because of one stupid mistake, she wanted nothing more to do with him.
He wanted nothing more than to just carry on and forget the pain, but the pain would follow.. No matter where he went, or how far off the beaten path he had traveled, it would eventually catch up and find him. He wished her to accept him into her life once more, but as much as he didn't want to admit it, it seemed that it was nothing more than a foolish dream that would never come true.
He often wondered about why she couldn't forgive him just this once…
Wasn't it said that everyone was entitled to make one foolish mistake in their lives?
He wanted to speak with her, to just pull her aside and sit her down next to him, and confess just how regretful he really felt for the way he had acted.. But, it was already too late. His once honest and strong bond with her had fractured in all the wrong places, and the courage he desperately needed to say what he felt in his heart didn't exist any longer.
It had left him, along with everything else he held close.
And what he held close, was the apple of his eye.. His dawn, the light in his life. But he had been pushed out, tossed aside like an old ragdoll…
Po couldn't let Tigress go. He couldn't, although she had…
Seated firmly on his bedroll, Po watched her sandaled feet pad across the hardwood floor, not even testing his courage to lift his gaze..
He could feel the intense rage growing from within her, just by the heavy footfall the tiger was creating. In all honesty, Po had never been more frightened in his life... Sure, he and Tigress had their moments at times, and fought just like any normal couple would. They certainly had their differences, but for the most part they had a wonderful and loving relationship.
Not today.
She was furious with him, and Po knew it. His heart raced at a million miles an hour, and he could feel his throat tightening with each passing second. What would she say to him? Would she even say anything at all? Just when he thought his heart would burst from his chest, she finally ceased her pacing—
And stood perfectly still.
He could see her heel turn so that she was facing him. For a moment, he visualized her facial expression in his mind, and it looked completely incensed. Even though he hadn't lifted his head, he could sense her gaze washing over him, spearing his presence with daggers.
Then she took a deep breath. He hung his head down low, and prepared for the very worst.
"I thought I could trust you."
With those words, Po's world came to a screeching halt. There was no emotion behind her voice.. It seemed so distant. The panda swallowed hard and mustered enough courage to lift his head up and look at her, a move he silently cursed himself for making. Many times had he seen her anger show, but no words or emotions could describe what he saw in her eyes. They bored into him with a look of pure hate and malice, as if she wanted him dead.
He wanted to just spill to his knees and apologize, or even to say anything at all, but it proved too difficult for the panda to handle. He remained silent.
She snarled and took a few steps towards him.. His eyes darted back to the floor in defeat; the only part of her he could see was her feet.. And it seemed that even they were mocking him. But he couldn't look at her again. He just couldn't do it.
"So, you can't even look at me? That just proves to me what little respect you have for our relationship!" The tigress gritted her teeth and cupped her paw around Po's chin, forcing his head upwards to meet her.
"I didn't mean for it to happen! It was an accident!" He gasped in his defense.
"AN ACCIDENT?" She growled, "Just once we go down to the village together, and you can't help but act like a fool! What is wrong with you!?"
He couldn't help but wonder the same thing as his mind raced to build up an argument. He replayed the day's events in his mind; Taking Tigress down the steps from the Jade Palace, stopping by his father's restaurant for lunch.. The teahouse and the gentleman who had offered Po a round of drinks on the house… That was it.
Po stood up on his feet, "So I had a little too much to drink! You're gonna reel on me for being a lightweight!?"
He felt more confident now, and hoped that Tigress would stand down; although he was almost a head-height taller than she was, the female tiger wasn't deterred. She stayed in place, and growled dangerously at the panda.
"You think it stopped at words? You threw yourself on me like a crazed lunatic! The owners ended up throwing us out of the place because of your behavior!"
Po didn't remember that part.. Now he was again at a loss for words. He took a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm himself down; it didn't work, "Like you care! How many times have you 'thrown yourself' at me, huh!? How about that!" In an instant, Tigress' open paw glanced across his left cheek.
Stumbling backwards, his eyes went wide.. She hit him. But he couldn't blame her. He didn't intend for his words to come out that way.. Po mentally punched himself in the chin.
"It doesn't matter! We were always alone.. You looked at me like I was a piece of meat!" She seethed, and poked him in the chest, "You insinuate that I'm some sort of cheap, desperate tease looking for a good time; I would never do that to you in public!"
Her voice was shaking now, and Po could see the faintest trace of moisture in her eyes. He could have stopped it right there—
"Oh yeah!? Don't be so quick to judge, Master Tigress!" He was openly sarcastic this time. She slapped him again, only this time, she had unwittingly extracted her claws, placing four lengthy slash marks across the side of his face. The panda clutched his face in pain and glared at her as she walked towards the door.
"Hey, don't walk away! We're not through talking yet!"
She grabbed a hold of the door handle, and walked into the corridor. "Yes we are.." She turned to face him; her eyes were clouded up with tears, "We're finished."
…And the door slammed shut.
Po was dumbstruck. She.. she ended their relationship. There was nothing else he felt at that moment but rage. How could she do such a thing? It was one stupid mistake! With his anger renewed, he skidded to the door, and threw the doors open… But she was already gone. Instead he was met with the puzzled stares of Viper and Mantis, who had coincidentally come in at the wrong time.
They had heard everything.
While Mantis held the most visible look of shock, Viper seemed to be the most alarmed. Although Tigress and Po did have their occasional disagreements, they had never actually argued like this before.
The tree viper began slithering towards him, "Po, are you alr—"
"NO!" He screamed, and threw the door shut, returning to the confines of his bedroom.
Plopping back onto his bedroll, the giant panda buried his face in his paws and let it all go. 'What did I do?' Was the only thing Po could think. He just wanted her forgiveness for his mistake, but that was an emotional barrier that he was not ready to break just yet…
"Sir..?"
No response.
She cleared her throat, "Ahem…Excuse me sir?"
That was enough to jar Po from his mind drift.
Swiftly snapping his eyes open, the giant panda vigorously shook his head to clear his mind. He tipped up his hat and glanced towards the ground, noticing a female rabbit standing next to him. She looked older, middle-aged no doubt, and bore the faint, yet distinct scent of lavender perfume that Po's sensitive nose managed to detect.
She carried between her two paws a piece of parchment and a quill pen.. A waitress no doubt; that Po knew almost immediately.
He managed to pass her a quick smile before letting it fall into a despondent frown, "I'm terribly sorry miss, I guess I was lost in my thoughts again.. Can I help you with something?"
She cocked her head slightly in confusion, "No, it's quite alright young man; I'm just here to take your drink order, if you don't mind…"
The woman held an easy expression on her face, and a voice to match it; her calming tone eased the restless panda back into reality as he slowly recollected his thoughts.
"Oh, right.." He let a soft sigh escape his lips, "I'm just going to get a plain cup of chamomile tea, if it isn't too much trouble."
"No trouble at all sir." She responded.
His eyes briefly panned around the room as she scribbled down his request. It was quite expansive; large windows covered in wood blinds lined the pine-paneled walls, draping slivers of golden sunlight across the twenty or so tables that were scattered about the room. In the back, two double-hinged doors led to the kitchen. On the far left corner of the room sat a rather large stone hearth, a blazing fire lit within it.
"Alright then, just one cup of plain chamomile…" The female muttered, looking up at him. She squinted her eyes; although most of his face was concealed by the wide-brimmed straw hat that adorned the top of his head, and the dark green cloak that wrapped around his torso, she couldn't help but wonder why he seemed to look so familiar.
"I'm sorry for asking this, but I feel as if we have met before.. Do I know you from somewhere?"
Po froze, struggling to conceal his look of surprise. He had long since forgotten the widespread recognition he had gotten in response to his victory over Tai Lung. It didn't take very long for his story to spread over most of China. He had easily—although unwillingly—had become one of the most recognizable figures of his generation, maybe even more-so than the Furious Five themselves.
"I think you might have me confused with somebody else.. Who are you referring to?"
"It's nothing really.." She let out a sigh, "you seem to fit the description of that one panda warrior from the Valley of Peace. I'm afraid I cannot remember the namesake of the fellow." Rolling up the parchment in her paws, she looked at him again. "It's been some time since word of that battle came through here, as you can well imagine."
Po nodded, "Yes, it sounded like some battle, but rest assured miss, I'm no Dragon Warrior.. just a wanderer."
Her eyes flickered, "Oh, of course.. Well, let me get your order in." She gave him another transient smile as she quickly scurried across the room, disappearing into the kitchen.
Po breathed out a sigh of relief, and slouched back into his chair to relax, breathing in the wide range of tantalizing aromas that permeated the room. A tiny smirk crept onto the panda's face; it had certainly been quite some time since he had set foot in a restaurant, much less a kitchen… As a matter of fact, he realized it had been a long time since he had graced any public establishment for that matter.
In the time after Tigress had ended her intimate relationship with Po, his focus and determination had diminished greatly; he felt that everything that he had worked for meant nothing. Solemnly living from day to day, the confines of the Jade Palace did nothing more than heighten his heartache for her. He couldn't stand it anymore; he had left the Palace without so much as a word to anyone, not even to his own father. Po felt it would have been appropriate to leave a note of his departure for the others to find, but was unsure if any of them, even Master Shifu for that matter, would take his apparent resignation of his title as a sign of weakness or self-pity.
So he unwillingly opted to take flight without so much as a final farewell.
Of course to him, their opinions really didn't matter that much at all. He understood in his mind that without Tigress there to support him and be there for him, no amount of comforting from the others would do even the slightest bit of good. Po chose to live his life alone as a traveler, to wander on and carve out a new existence for himself, even though he felt deep in his heart that his very existence was meaningless.. Or so he led himself to believe.
It didn't take Po long to roam far outside of the Valley. He had followed the traditional route through the Highlands and through the Thread of Hope, eventually coming to settle in a remote village nestled in a region of lowlands just to the north of the Tibetan Plateau. Through his journey, Po was frequently finding himself pitted against rogue thugs and bandits, something that for the most part, he had never seen in the Valley.. Able to fend for himself quite well, he managed over time to hone and refine his own improvised fighting style from the ground up, taking advantage of several techniques he had used when he fought Tai Lung…
But, being on the move almost constantly, his health suffered. There was little or no food for him to take advantage of.. His physique, while for the most part toned, was hampered by the presence of another harsh reality: his spirit was crushed. His personality and outlook had changed considerably over time, and his happy-go-lucky take-your-best-shot attitude had been extinguished, bitten by the fact that he had been out of touch with his loved ones for upwards of two years..
He thought about Tigress again, and how much she must have hated him for leaving.. He was a quitter, and he knew that Tigress loathed that. She had always told him how much faith he had restored in her because of his persistence in the face of adversity. But here he was now, nothing more than a failure, running away from his problems like a child.
Po's eyes flickered back to the kitchen, watching intently at the sprightly female waitress came across the room, a tray and pot in her hands. She laid the ensemble out in front of him, and smiled.
"I apologize for the wait, but we've been having some trouble lighting the stove the past few days."
He nodded, paying it no mind as he looked over the assortment in front of him.. His tea, along with a number of delicate rice cakes, lay on the pewter dish. The giant panda looked at her with a perplexed expression etched into his face, "Umm.. I didn't order any rice cakes."
She smiled, "Yes I know.. They're on the house. Enjoy!" With a quick bow, she quickly retreaded towards another table, waving to some new customers; a couple had just sauntered in through the front entrance of the eatery.
He passed a glance over to them, watching passively as they took their seats laughing and carrying light conversation amongst themselves. Po watched with envious eyes as he witnessed them share a tender kiss.. How he wished for it to be him in that position, to spend just one fleeting moment with the woman he cared about.
But the thought of Tigress only brought him more pain and sorrow…
Po would never admit out loud that even this long after the fact, he wasn't able to shake her. He couldn't forget her.. How could he forget her, her smile, the soft burnt umber hues of her fur, smooth ivory whiskers that flawlessly appointed her face, a face that could bring down an army of men? To call her beautiful was an insult.. And that's why she was everywhere to him; his thoughts, dreams, or even the very core of his existence…
He loved her deeply, and still did to this very day, even if she let go—
But the display of loving affection just three tables over didn't help him forget that fact. 'Just look away.'
He grimaced; it was absolutely revolting how they could allow themselves to get intimate like that in plain view of everyone else, which in the epitome of dramatic irony, only re-enforced Tigress' argument for ending their relationship in the first place.. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he changed positions so that his back was now turned towards the happy couple.
With a barely audible grunt, he turned back to his tea, and with a delicate sip, drifted back to the confines of his memory…
To be continued…