Disclaimer – None of the characters or lyrics are mine. I'd be much richer if they were.
A/N – yes I've been gone a long time however I'm blessed with a new muse. The most wonderful muse anyone could ever wish for. Enough of my jibber-jabber, here's a little songfic done around Christina Perri's 'Jar of Hearts.' The fiction jumps between what I think would have happened on the night Sirius broke out of Azkaban and returned to Remus and about a year after Sirius's death in book five.P LEASE REVIEW!
I know I can't take one more step towards you,
'cause all that's waiting is regret;
How could he have turned up and simply expected so much after giving so little in return?
Remus slumped into a moth eaten chair and cradled his head in his hands, the greying strands of chocolate and caramel falling around his bitten fingernails in untidy disgrace. The memory gnawed at him as he gripped his own hair tighter still, trying to feel something through the pain.
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore,
You lost the love I loved the most.
'Sirius you can't be serious! You left! You left me here alone and now you simply walk back and expect me to beg and simper after you like I did when I was sixteen years old?'
'No Remus. I know you. I know that heart, the heart that knows where you truly lie and-'
'Don't you dare walk back in here and tell me who I am, telling me you know my heart after thirteen years! You have no right, no claim at all upon me and I refuse to be your shadow any longer! I won't be your ghost all my life Sirius!'
I learned to live half-alive and now you want me one more time.
The air was bitter with unsaid words. The werewolf stood, his chest heaving and his chocolate brown eyes expressive and glittering with unshed tears of fury and pain. Remus could barely breathe through the hurt, his heart was laid bare, exposed as it always was with Sirius and yet this was one time he would not bow down, and he would not fall back into Sirius as he had always done before they were parted.
'You know I didn't do it. You know me,' whispered Sirius, his voice cracked and small, the silvery grey eyes, usually so proud flickered towards the dingy carpet in humbled defeat. That Remus should turn him away now when he was so desperate, so alone was more than he could bear. He had treated his love poorly in the past, coming and going as he pleased, one moment promising crazy notions of true love the next indifferent and proud, embarrassed by his emotions.
'You never even bothered to send me word. Nothing. The next thing I know you're carted off to Azkaban and I'm sitting here learning to live with a piece of myself missing – do you have any idea what that feels like?'
'And being locked up with Dementors swarming around me is the joy of my life is it?' Sirius snapped as he cut across Remus's own deadly calm voice. But he was silenced as Remus swept across the room, his hair falling into his eyes and making him look dangerous as he slammed Sirius into the wall making the window rattle. The two men stood, chests heaving and noses barely an inch apart as Remus struggled to contain his fury and agony.
'I learned to live half-alive with you gone. I'd rather have gone to the Dementors.'
And who do you think you are running round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart,
Remus threw Sirius away from him angrily and turned back to walk away across the shabby carpet. Sirius simply stood, proud and white-faced, his chin shaking slightly with repressed emotion. He lowered his head slowly and his black locks fell with the casual grace they always had around the shadowed jawline. If he was honest, he had somewhat expected this, for Remus to be angry and hurt. He just hadn't realised how scarred he had left the man he loved.
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul,
So don't come back for me; who do you think you are?
'Remus...I'm sorry.'
'Oh you're sorry. Like you always were, well sorry isn't enough this time.'
At a loss, Sirius leaned weakly against the wall, his eyes daring to meet Remus's own for a brief second before they darted away in shame. He was right. Sorry just wasn't enough this time. He'd been gone thirteen years and simply walking back through the door as he had always done before and expecting his dutiful lover to fall into his arms was selfish.
Cold, he thought to himself. His own arrogance had laid the perfect trap and damaged the one relationship he truly cared about. There had been women, many women along the years after high school and still he came home to Remus feeling little shame and simply convincing himself that this pride could cocoon his heart in ice so he himself could never be hurt the way he often hurt Remus. His own fear had stolen his ability to truly feel and he realised now he didn't want that anymore.
I hear your asking all around if I am anywhere to be found,
But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms,
'How did you find me?' Remus managed to ask, his voice still shaking with anger and bitterness.
'I asked around...you know me.'
'I thought I knew you. I don't, and you know nothing about me anymore, you left a young man, tender with love and eager to earn your affection. You return to a jaded old failure who gave up dreaming a long time ago. I had to put my dreams in a box because of you Sirius.'
Remus's voice choked off at the end syllable and he dipped his head to avoid Sirius seeing the forlorn tear that spilled silently from the end of his nose and onto the carpet.
'I'm not that boy anymore Sirius, and I won't fall back to you this time.'
And I've learned to live half-alive and now you want me one more time.
Sirius was irritated by the high and mighty tone he had adopted. All injured pride and aching heart, he swept across the room and slammed Remus into the wall, one hand closing tightly around his lover's throat, the other on the handle of his wand.
'You think you were the only one who suffered at us being parted? You think you're the only one who knows how to love? You're wrong. The only thing you do better than me is showing your love, so don't you dare act like you were the only wounded animal!'
Remus struggled against Sirius but the other man was slightly taller, more muscular and it was not long after the full moon – he simply didn't have the energy. He gave up and went limp against the wall, his eyes dropping to the floor in defeat.
'I learned to live half-alive without YOU Remus...I've been nothing, a hollow shell without you. I lost you for thirteen years and now when I find you, you turn me away when I finally let my barriers down and thaw that heart of ice you captured so long ago,' whispered Sirius against Remus's ear. His breath was hot and noisy and Remus felt a shiver eking up his spine, unwanted but unable to ignore.
Always Sirius would have that effect upon him and thirteen years apart seemed only to have strengthened that need.
And who do you think you are running round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart,
Sirius rested his head against Remus's jawline. The smell of sweat and something else, something half forgotten but clung to desperately by Sirius in times of need when he found himself so alone and tormented by the Dementors washed over him as he breathed it in slowly. It was the smell of Remus, his skin, his hair and that smell, almost vanilla but with something deeper, richer and far earthier behind it ripped at his heart and he broke, his eyes filling with years of unshed tears as he sobbed unrestrainedly into Remus's shoulder.
Shocked and moved by this breakdown, Remus did the only thing that felt natural and without remembering all the years of pain and anger, he buried his hand in the soft black locks and held Sirius against him for some moments before he broke away, those silvery eyes he had sometimes thought cold full of expression.
'It was you who forced me to survive Remus, I always loved you even though I never appreciated you, never showed you how much you meant to me and that's what pulled me through the darkness in my thirteen years of hell confined in Azkaban...'
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul,
So don't come back for me; who do you think you are?
The bitterness was thawing, hope flickered like a moth, so fragile. Silence hung between them and seemed to crush any unsaid words of anger. The stillness settled as the last tear slid down Remus's pale cheek and almost unconsciously, as though the two were mentally connected, Sirius's hand trembled only slightly as he swept it away with a calloused thumb pad.
Such a small insignificant gesture was all that was needed and taking his cue from Remus who neither moved nor spoke as Sirius came closer, Sirius dared lean in until their foreheads pressed gently against one another, their eyes boring into each other's souls. A raw energy flickered through them both as each felt the others heartbeat – a sensation felt so many times before as they had shared a bed but renewed in all its intensity after thirteen years apart.
The act of forgiveness was unspoken but it passed between them so easily and without words. Remus felt his lovers breath across his cheeks and his eyes flickered closed momentarily as he found himself overwhelmed. He could feel every exhalation and the exquisite realisation that he could not wake up from his perfect bliss this time threatened to drag him under in a current of emotions and drown him.
It took so long just to feel alright,
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes,
Sirius's heart was aching with emotions he could never have expressed with mere words as he looked on the face of his lover after thirteen years. The porcelain skin, more lined now around the dark expressive eyes but still as soft as it had been on their first kiss at sixteen beckoned him closer. The chocolate and honey coloured strands of hair that fell over Remus's closed eyes had much of silver about them now but Sirius only saw the beauty of the delicate featured man in front of him.
'Open your eyes Remus,' he whispered softly, his lips almost brushing against Remus's as he spoke.
Slowly, Remus opened his dark eyes and Sirius saw himself reflected back from their dark mirror. The years of his absence were all too clearly etched in those beautiful eyes and Sirius could hardly bear knowing he had been responsible for taking the light from them.
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed,
Cause you broke all your promises,
And now your back you don't get to get me back,
'I know I broke my promises. No more Remus, no more.'
Remus fought hard to bite away the tears that rushed forth at the sound of Sirius's words. How often had he heard that before? And yet this time the tone was different, pleading, humbled and broken and Sirius's eyes begged mercy as they never had before.
And Remus, being the more tender-hearted of the two and knowing this was Sirius as he had never seen him before broke first. His hand moved tentatively to the back of Sirius's neck and wound itself in the ebony locks there, pulling him a little closer so that their lips were almost touching.
'I never gave up on you Sirius.'
And who do you think you are running round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart,
The bitter scars were healing as in a joyful moment of raw passion, Sirius's lips found Remus's for the first time in thirteen years. Their zealous mouths crashed hungrily against one another as each experience the never-forgotten taste of the other. The first kiss had been like a butterfly gently brushing off a windowpane, clumsy and shaking as each tested the other before they found they had never truly put away the knowledge of exactly how to kiss their soul-mate.
Tears fled down Remus's face as he was crushed against Sirius's chest, the feeling of reunion with his lover bearing down upon him like his own wolf self and tearing at his heart with claws of regret and relief.
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul,
So don't come back for me don't come back at all,
Their passion grew and Sirius half lifted Remus off the shabby carpet so that the smaller man was level with him, forced up onto his very toes. Their mouths worked one another in an ecstacy of lust and soon their breath was hot and panting, Sirius's found the pale skin at Remus's neck and gave bloom to a purple bite mark that reclaimed what was always his.
The heat of their reunited passion was thawing the ice between them and Remus was glad, always so glad that his lover had returned for him. He did not hesitate or resist when Sirius dragged him to the floor, the animal that came out in his Animagus form showing itself now as Sirius threw his prey none too gently onto the carpet as he licked and bit a path of marks down Remus's neck and, ripping open the faded white shirt, onto his chest.
Remus could feel his own lust growing and he tore frantically at Sirius's prison garments and delighted in the feeling of their bare skin being thrust together as he arched upwards into Sirius's body. There was nothing to equal the pleasure of his soul-mate returning to him, the pleasure that forced his head back onto the hard floor with a thud and made stars pop briefly in front of his eyes as he lost the last of his clothing to Sirius's expert hands.
He gave himself up for lost and allowed the tidal wave of love and lust to carry him away as Sirius's mouth found his again and their bodies mingled after so long forced apart. What did thirteen years matter now – his lover was home to stay.
And who do you think you are running round leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart,
Two years of bliss had passed where they had remained together, quietly and discreetly, never arousing the suspicions of those closest to them. Not a soul knew but it was enough for them that they knew. They had been so happy, so very happy Remus thought as he tortured himself with the images.
Sirius was dead. And he was again, alone. So painfully, agonisingly alone that when he had first realised, it was all he could do not to throw himself through that veil and after his beloved Sirius. The guilt grew in his heart like a great mushroom and pushed all happiness and hope from him so that he became bitter, unable to sleep and reduced to pacing the house they had shared. It had never been perfect but now it was all but a shell. The inside contents were strewn around from fits of agony where Remus would toss everything to the floor crushing, ripping, tearing everything that represented all that had been so cruelly snatched away from him.
Photographs laughed from the floor, their occupants indifferent to the suffering of their owner, bits of china lay scattered here and there and dishes of half eaten food lay congealed and ignored where it had been picked at and discarded for the one eating it had no appetite anymore.
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul,
So don't come back for me don't come back at all.
Remus was detached, his soul shut off and cold from the world now that Sirius was gone. He sat in the same shabby chair he had occupied the night Sirius had returned and picked bitterly at the broken arm which was leaking stuffing and showing the bare wood of the frame.
There was nothing left for him, no life for him now that Sirius was truly gone. He lifted his head from his hands and looked about the wreckage of the home they had once shared and felt himself an alien in these surroundings. How had it become this? His dark brown eyes, almond shaped and once so expressive were dull and devoid of life, the lines around them deeper than ever and each one attesting to a life of misery after his soul-mate had left this world.
Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are?
There was nothing left for him save for the hope that they would be reunited one day. Remus truly knew the meaning of half-alive now. He had lost everything, the light had been snuffed out forever with the loss of Sirius and he no longer knew or cared who he was.
Sorry for inflicting so much misery on poor Remus! Please REVIEW! Thankyou!