The Holiday Horror
By Danii
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the store
The shoppers were frenzied, no employee bored.
The paychecks were cashed and snug in their bin,
And Ash started out to buy holiday gin.
No children here were snuggled warm in their beds,
They were running and screaming and hurt Ash's head.
But as he was leaving to get away from this crap
Something horrible happened and reality snapped.
From the children's department he heard such a yell.
Ash ran to the back, looked, and said "What the hell?"
Things were a mess, Santa's village a shambles.
The elves had been killed, and now those children scrambled.
The harsh S-Mart lights lit the horrible scene;
This festival massacre that made many scream.
For as Ashley watched, what should he find,
But a deadite, in red, of the fat Santa kind.
With the pale nasty skin, and flesh ripped and bit,
Ash knew he was in for some real messy shit.
The holiday horror quite quickly approached,
And Ash knew that, without some help he was toast.
"Hey, Tommy! Yo, Donna! Hey, Jimmy and Tim!
The Evil took Santa, and I gotta blast him…"
His co-workers and friends grabbed Old Remmy and Red.
And knew the evil Santa was soon to be dead.
As soon as the weapons did reach his strong hands
He jumped on the counter, and started sans plans,
"Yo, Asshole!" he said to the monster they feared,
"Come on over! I got two presents for ya right here!"
And then, like a moron, the thing started with mush,
The same from before: "We'll kill you…join us!"
Ash seemed to listen, then nodded his head
"Hell no…not with those dumb lines" he proudly said.
Then without another word, he leapt into action,
Ash jumped on the floor and thanked God for good traction.
Then he fired at the horrible monster before him
Hit after hit; buckshot sent Santa soaring.
Into the air the foul creature did fly
Then hovered for a moment and with its white eyes
It stared at our hero, and showed all a smile
That revealed rotten teeth that must have been filed.
"Laugh it up, screwhead…" Ash said with a smirk
"Cause I'm gonna cut you up soon, you cheap-suited jerk..."
He then pulled out his chainsaw, which was red as a cherry
"With this in your guts you won't be quite so merry…"
Then he jumped into action, our hero supreme
Moreover, he did something no one had ever seen.
He began to chop up Santa, slicing off piece by piece.
The children he'd saved now watched without cease.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
(Okay, he did mutter several insults like "jerk"… )
But for the most part, he just sliced up the corpse
Then finally he finished, the fight had run it's course.
Ash blew up the chunks with his trusty shotgun
Which made sure that the Evil would have no more fun.
As he completed his holiday hell, he said: "Merry Christmas to all,
And I want to get home already for Christ's sake. It's Christmas and I'm really tired and this is SO what I did not need tonight. Damn, but I don't feel like driving…Can anybody give me a ride? I promise that I'll clean up before I get in…ah, you buncha bastards…can't even give me a ride home after I save your lives. Love the way you people treat me…this is just great…'Happy Holidays' my ass…"
The End
*********************************************************************************
Title: The Holiday Horror
By: Danii
Summary: Ash's holiday experience.
Disclaimer: I own no one. Don't sue. I have enough problems, as you could have figured out from the fact that I killed Santa in this poem. Besides, I'm broke.
Distribution: You want it? Take it. Just tell me where it is.
Rating: PG
Fandom: Evil Dead/Army of Darkness