Water

by For my other me

Kendall helps Logan over his aquaphobia.

"Kendall, I'm not sure about this," Logan told me, glancing at the water nervously.

"You wanted to get over you fear, right? No time like the present."

He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and I couldn't help letting my mind wander. Logan had always been afraid of water, for as long as I'd known him. He had never been able to tell me why, just that water gave him the creeps and he stayed as far away from it as he could.

"Look, I won't let you drown. I've never let you down before, right?"

"No..."

"I'll be here the entire time," I promised him; placing my hands on his shoulders so he would face me. "I did research, we'll start slow and get you used to water. If you're really not comfortable we'll go back to the apartment, but you should give it a try first."

"You researched?" Logan asked, amusement in his voice but his eyes showing gratitude.

"Yes, why is that so hard to believe?" I've always done anything I could to help my friends and the way to help Logan was science. Telling him why I did something would keep his mind at ease.

Logan smiled at me and shook his head, turning towards the pool. "So what do we do first?"

"Wikihow suggested sitting with your feet in the water for a while, get used to the feeling and temperature."

"Your researched this on wikihow?"

"Hey, I checked their source," I defended, knowing Logan's sceptism of anything everyone was allowed to edit. "They referenced an article some psychology professor from UCLA wrote."

Logan hummed, but didn't argue. It told me the fear of going in water was greater than his will to fight me on this. He stood tense and his hands were clenched into fists. I stepped up behind him and ran my hands down his arms, hoping to reassure him.

"No pressure," I told him quietly, leaning close. "If you don't want to we'll abort the mission."

I got a tiny laugh from him and he leaned back against my chest. "I trust you, even considering your faulty research."

"Good," I managed to say, stepping back slowly so he wouldn't fall. Logan glanced up with a curious look in his eyes. I averted my eyes quickly, knowing exactly how observant he was. "Want to start?"

"I- yeah. Okay."

I moved to the pool and sat down, dangling my legs into the water. It was a beautiful night, dark and clear. At one in the morning all the lights around us were out and I could make out some stars. Logan loved stars and everything about them; I hoped I could distract him from the water with those when it got too much for him.

Logan sat next to me on the edge, but kept his knees up to his chest tight. "You can start with just one foot," I suggested. "Or dip your hands in."

"Is it cold?"

"No, it feels nice." I cupped my hand in the water and emptied the content over his feet. "See?"

"It's kind of warm." Logan moved a little closer and dipped one toe into the water.

I could see how tense he was and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll get you out if you fall."

Logan glanced at me and nodded quickly, slowly lowering his foot. "This is not so bad. What do we do after this?"

I smiled to myself; Logan liked knowing what was happening. I'd seen him completely freak out when his plans were messed up. He needed time to prepare himself. "We'll do whatever feels right."

"You know I can't work with that," Logan mumbled.

"The internet wasn't all that clear on the specifics. The site just said to go slow and only as far as feels safe," I explained to him. "But I thought we could use the steps." I gestured to the stairs leading into the pool. "When you get used to the water we can move down one further."

"So we would move further in every ten minutes or so?"

I shook my head. "Don't give yourself a limit. We have the whole night, you can move on, or not, whenever you want to."

I saw Logan struggle for a few moments before he nodded slowly. "Yeah, okay."

"Don't push yourself, you can't force the fear away."

"How are you okay with this? James and Carlos always make fun of me."

"Because I know for a fact we're all afraid of something, but you're the only one whose fear is so obvious in daily life."

"Oh."

"I think it actually makes you braver than the rest of us, owning up to it and all."

Logan didn't answer and stared into the water. I let him be for a while, thinking of the first time I found out about his phobia for water. As a six year old I noticed my buddy never came on swimming trips with our classmates, but I didn't know he was scared until years later when we held the second prank war at James's house.

I was hidden in the bushes outside with my slime shot, waiting for Carlos who I knew was setting up a trap at the gazebo. Carlos was unpredictable and the hardest to take out, so I went after him first. Logan usually got involved in his prank way over his head and took himself out and James was super easy to find; he didn't like hiding his pretty face.

I just saw Carlos come around the corner and aimed my shot when I heard a loud splash behind me. Logan had fallen from the big tree into the pool, getting tangled into the net he was holding. I realized he must almost have taken me out before the branch broke.

At that point I had no idea that Logan couldn't swim and was terrified of water, so I waited next to the pool for him to resurface and laugh. He'd once again taken himself out. Logan didn't climb out though; he trashed in the water and tried to get his limbs out of the net. It wasn't until minutes later that I realized this was wrong.

I jumped into the pool and managed to get him out, gathering the attention from James and Carlos. Logan was completely freaked out at that point and we stopped the prank war. Later that week we added the Logan Amendment, ensuring we could always look after a fallen brother. That was when it started for me.

"What are you thinking of?" Logan asked, shaking me from my thoughts.

"I was thinking of the reason we got the Logan Amendment," I told him, studying his face.

He frowned, but I was pleased that he didn't pull away from the water. "That day sucked so hard."

"Yeah. Pranking yourself again."

"Not that," He answered, but he smiled too. "I hated telling you guys about my phobia. I was the smallest and nerdiest and least sporty; this would cement my uncool rep."

"Well, those things are true, but I never thought you couldn't take care of yourself. Or that you weren't cool."

"Thanks Kendall."

"No problem."

Logan sat up, suddenly alert and looked into my eyes. "You said we're all afraid of something, but you're fearless," He stated.

"That's flattering, but not exactly true."

"The great Kendall Knight is afraid of something?"

I chuckled and shook my head. "It's not a fear like yours. I don't handle rejection all that well."

"Being rejected or rejecting?"

"Either."

"Huh."

"It's not that weird, right? My dad rejected us and since then I've been having issues with it. Nothing I can't handle, but it sucks when Gustavo tells me I can't sing or when I ask someone out and they refuse. The real pain is mostly contained to you... guys now." I stopped talking when I realized I nearly said too much.

"And we rarely reject any of your plans, so that works out."

"It does."

"Dating isn't all that fun though."

I shrugged, concentrating on the water. "Like I said, it's not as bad as it used to be. Though..."

"What?" Logan asked gently.

"I've been wanting to ask this one person out, but this rejection would be particularly painful. So I haven't worked up the courage yet."

"Who?"

I smiled and shook my head. "Not gonna tell you. It's not gonna happen anyway."

"Will you tell me if I manage to get into the pool?"

"You seem pretty sure you'll be able to do that by the morning."

"You're a good teacher."

I laughed. "We haven't even gotten to the scary part yet."

"Let's do that then, I think I'm ready."

"Really?"

Logan nodded, gripping tightly onto the edge of the pool. I thought it was sweet.

"Okay, I'll make you a deal," I told him, waiting until he looked up at me. "I'll give you a hint each step you move down into the pool and if you haven't guessed it by then I'll tell you."

Logan thought about that for a moment, his death grip onto the edge loosened. "Okay, that's reasonable."

I smiled and got up, holding out a hand to help him up. "Let's get your butt in the water."

I sat on the first step down, stretching out my legs over the water. Logan stepped into the pool to, but took the edge of the pool. "I need a minute," He told me when I looked up at him.

"Okay."

"It's so stupid, it's not even a feet deep."

"It's not stupid," I said calmly. "It would be stupid to rush yourself and grow even more afraid. Just take your time."

"Thank you for being so patient."

"You would do the same, Loges."

"I feel like you need a lot less help than I do."

I shook my head. "You're pretty self sufficient. James requires way more guidance."

"Yeah?" Logan smiled.

"Oh, definitely."

"So you've done things like this with James and Carlos?"

I nodded, wondering how much I should tell Logan about our other friends' fears. They knew about Logan's and teased him relentlessly, but for some reason I was sure Logan was more mature than that. "James has stage freight," I told Logan. "And in the beginning I noticed how much he would run of before a show or big performance and one time I followed him. He was throwing up."

"That's terrible," Logan murmured.

Logan was a way more empathic person than my other friends. "He couldn't keep anything in his system, but in the end we found another, less harmful, way to deal with it and I think he barely has any freight left."

"That's good. I noticed him running off, but I always assumed he was checking a mirror one last time." Logan slowly lowered himself into the water so he was sitting next to me. I wasn't sure if he noticed what he just did, but I chose not to comment. "What did you do to fix him?"

"Before shows James and I do a ten minute abs routine, then we watch Jeff Dunham and drink tea with lemon juice."

"Are you serious?" Logan asked, grinning widely.

"Yes. Wikihow was also very useful in James' case."

"It's so like James and so unlike you to have a set ritual before each show."

"Why unlike me?"

"Because you've never been good with rules or things you have to do."

I shrugged. "If it helps James."

Logan looked up at me with a smile. "You're a very good friend."

I smiled too, but chose not to linger on Logan's face for too long. "I also learned that from Wikihow."

He laughed and I enjoyed hearing that a lot. Logan wasn't one to laugh out loud a lot, but the sound was beautiful.

"You've to give me a hint on your secret crush!"

"I hoped you wouldn't notice," I sighed.

"That I just made huge progress while you were distracting me so perfectly?"

"Yeah."

"Too bad, buddy."

I rolled my eyes at Logan's obvious indifference and raked my brain for something that wouldn't give away the whole thing immediately. "They've the most contagious smile."

"That says nothing," Logan frowned. "You've to reveal something more specific."

"I'll give you a better hint when you move another step down."

Logan glanced down at the second step into the pool and pulled his lip between his teeth. "Then only my head will be above the water."

"Yes. But you've a while to get used to the idea and I'll distract you again."

"Maybe I'll stand on it first."

"That's a good idea."

He nodded and looked up at me. "I've been into someone for a while too."

"Oh?" My heart skipped a beat.

"I'm not going to tell you though."

"Because I gave you a crappy hint?"

"Exactly."

"That's fair. I know its Camille though."

"No. I talked with her a while ago, we broke up for good."

"Wow."

"Camille is actually dating Steve now."

"The guy we spend whole prom trying to get away from her?"

"Yes."

"Well that was a waste of time."

"You were off with Jo the whole night! James helped me."

"Whenever I need to laugh I think of him in that dress. Best stuff ever."

"I have pictures, want one?"

"Hell yes!"

"Don't tell James though, I promised to throw them out."

"Then why do you still have them?" I chuckled.

"I need them for leverage," Logan answered defensively.

"What does James have on you?" I asked curiously. "You're the most innocent! You don't even cross roads in places it's not allowed to."

"Hey, I break rules!"

"No, you don't," I laughed. "When have you ever broken a rule?"

"I'm breaking one right now, we're not allowed in the pool after nine."

"When have you ever broken a rule on your own?"

I saw Logan struggle to find something and a warm feeling slowly spread through my chest. His eagerness to prove he could be bad too was sweet. I smiled when Logan frowned, he couldn't think of anything. "Oh, shut up," Logan said, splashing water in my face.

"Getting cocky now, are you? You've been in the water for an hour and you're already using it against me."

"Maybe a little."

I hummed and got up, walking further into the water until I stood on the shallow end. I loved swimming and I hoped Logan would feel more comfortable with water after today. I wasn't naive enough to think he would actually get over his fear completely, but he might feel okay enough to swim with me at night when it was just the two of us. "So your new love interest isn't Camille," I stated, trying to think of anyone else Logan might be interested in. I had a little spark of hope in my chest.

"No, but we're not talking about that anymore."

"How come?"

"First, you don't want to tell me yours and second, I'm already doing one scary thing tonight."

"That's fair."

I looked up at the sky and let go of my body so I floated up. I had my feelings for Logan mostly in check, but at times it was hard not to think of him. Like tonight, when I got him at his most vulnerable and he looked to me to help him.

The water moved and I looked up to see him standing another step lower. "Hey! That's great, Logan!" I said happily.

"Y-yeah. Can you get back here, please?" He stuttered.

I swam back to his side and stood in front of him, surprised at his sudden nerves. "What's up?"

"I can't sit here on my own and standing makes me sway," He told me, keeping a tight grip onto the edge.

I took Logan's wrists and held onto them tight. "Is this better?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"I think you're doing great."

"It's not as bad as I thought it would be, as long as it's just you here." Logan looked up at me and I could see in his eyes how scary this still was to him.

"Hey, you get another hint," I said gently, hoping to distract him.

"Yeah. A real one this time. Nothing vague like their smile."

If only Logan knew how easily he brightened rooms with his laugh. "I promised, didn't I?" I sighed.

"You did."

I studied Logan's face as I tried to think of something else that wouldn't instantly betray my crush on him. "They have these brown eyes I can look into for hours."

Logan hummed. "Half the population has brown eyes."

I shook my head. "Not the eyes I'm talking about, those are special."

"Special?"

"Yeah. They're deep and round and surrounded by long eyelashes and I sound like a total girl."

He grinned. "Only a little."

"Let me, alright? This doesn't happen to me a lot."

"I know. Me neither. I think dating has actually gotten more difficult in LA."

"It has."

"Kendall, can I ask you something?" Logan asked quickly.

I decided not to point out we had been sharing the whole night. "Sure."

"You've avoided specifying a gender in your hints; does that mean you're talking about a guy?"

I smiled at Logan's tentative question and nodded. "You would be correct. That's fine, right?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Good."

"I- uhm, me too. Guys, not girls."

Logan's totally awkward way of telling me he was gay had my heart growing twice it's size. "I figured."

He frowned. "You mean I'm obvious?"

I shook my head. "No, but I know you really well. You never showed any really attraction for Camille."

"Oh."

"Have you acted on it yet?"

Logan chewed on his lip. "No. You?"

"Yeah. Just once though, after a concert."

He nodded, and then glanced down at the water. "I think we can moved down one more step."

"Sure? It's the last step before the bottom."

"Yeah. Just don't let go."

"I won't," I promised.

I moved my hands further up his arms and Logan placed his on my shoulders. We were now into to my middle, but the next time would bring the water up to our shoulders and I could see how nervous that made him. "Don't push yourself," I murmured.

"I'm not, I want this."

"Okay."

I stepped back and Logan followed, closing his eyes when he sank down. "This is terrifying," He whispered.

"I won't let you drown," I murmured. "Do you trust me?"

He nodded rapidly, keeping his eyes closed. "Distract me?"

"You get another hint," I told him, squeezing in his arms softly. "I think he has the softest skin."

"Why all the vague hints?" Logan protested.

I didn't understand why he didn't get it when I literally had my hands on it, but I decided to let it go for now. Later I would tell him, I promised him I would. "You're crazy smart, you'll know instantly when I say too much."

"That's not fair. Just because I'm smart I shouldn't have to wait, that's what hints are for."

"Too bad, Logie."

Logan opened his eyes and looked up at me. "You suck."

"Not on the first date." I started laughing when Logan's cheeks turned red. "Oh relax, prude."

"This is not the moment to joke about those things." He glared at me.

"It is a little bit."

"Just tell me what Carlos is so afraid of, we got sidetracked about an hour ago."

"Carlos has commitment issues. He has a hard time getting close to new people, because he doesn't want them to leave again."

"And why he clings to us."

"Yeah."

"Now I feel bad for him. James' thing is directly related to his vanity, but Carlos' must have a lot of influence on his personality."

Logan was my most passionate friend and I could see on his face how sorry he was for our other friend. This was the reason I'd chosen not to share this with him when I first found out, because Logan would worry until deep into the night trying to find a way to help. I kept the truly troubling problems to myself. "Carlos is doing better now, getting away from his father helped a lot." Carlos's mother died when he was little, but his father had always been overbearing.

"Good," Logan said.

"How are you doing? Is it getting better?" I asked him. I felt his fingers dig in my shoulder before I even finished and figured I shouldn't have asked.

"A little bit. Being in water feels different than I thought it would."

"Good different?"

"I think I will be able to enjoy it at some point, if I can stop thinking-" Logan stopped talking abruptly.

"Thinking about what?" I asked gently.

"The prank war wasn't when my water phobia started," Logan told me quietly.

"I didn't want to ask about that tonight," I told him. "You don't have to tell me."

"I think I want to," He said slowly. "Might make it easier to move on."

"I'm all ears."

Logan glanced up and took a shaky breath. "I think I was four of five when we went out to Canada to ski. We had a hotel halfway down a mountain and looked out over a huge frozen lake, where people were skating and sledding. I remember being very excited about that."

As soon as Logan mentioned ice I got the feeing I knew where he was going, but I hoped I was wrong.

"We met up with my aunt, uncle and my cousin, but I enjoyed their dog most. After a few days of skiing my aunt took the dog and us down to the lake to skate while the other adults went skiing. My aunt isn't the most watchful person and after and hour she let us skate in the kiddy area while she sat on the side. Ruben and I skated for a while, until we noticed that Max had wandered off and we decided to go find it."

I shook my head, but didn't interrupt him. "Off the lake were little streams and we could see the dog about a yard or so up it, but I made the mistake of getting too close to the edge. The ice broke and I fell in."

Logan met my eyes for a moment, but quickly looked down at the water again. "I'm not exactly sure what happened after that, but at some point the dog came back and fell in too. I was completely freaked out and so was Max and I think that in our struggle to get out I got pushed under the ice."

I shuffled closer and tightened my grip on him. I couldn't imagine what it must have felt like to be under the ice. I felt so sorry for my little friend and wished he never went through that.

"After that I remember waking up in the hospital. I haven't seen my aunt and uncle since that day. When my mom tried to get me to go to swimming lessons a few years later I completely panicked and refused to go in, she gave up eventually."

"That's a horrible experience to go through," I murmured. "After that I'm surprised you're handling this so well."

"It helps a lot that you're here."

"Of course."

"Wouldn't you rather have spent the night dreaming of your secret crush?"

I shook my head. "Why waste my time on something I'll probably never have when I can nurture a decades old friendship? I had a lot of fun tonight."

Logan smiled. "Good. At least that's one of us."

"Hey! I got you to laugh too."

"I'm trying to overcome my worst fear here, don't take offense if it wasn't all genuine."

"Yeah, okay."

"Is it James?" He asked quietly.

"Is what James?" I countered, confused.

"The guy you're very much into?"

I stared at him, wondering what I said tonight that would give him this idea. "What, no! Fuck, certainly not James."

"I just assumed, when you started talking about infectious smiles and gorgeous eyes- and you spend a lot more time talking about him than you did about Carlos."

"I talked more about him because I'm more comfortable sharing his secret than Carlos'. No, James is great, but I can't deal with the narcissism twenty-four seven."

"Oh." Logan frowned and I thought it was adorable how confused he was. "I'm off my game tonight."

"You are. Very much so," I added with a laugh.

"What do you mean?"

I shook my head. "Don't worry about it, it's very understandable on a night like this."

"I can't think straight because of the water," He murmured.

"You're doing so great, Logan. You're nearly off the steps."

"Yeah." Logan smiled. "It would be awesome to get off the steps today. I'm not sure how I feel about actual swimming."

"It's a huge win that you're even in a pool, we can work on swimming later."

"You've no idea how much you helped me tonight," He said softly. "I wish I could help you with the rejection."

I stared in his beautiful eyes and wondered if this was it. I'd been working the whole night to telling him and a small part of me believed this could happen for me. My heart was frozen and all the alarm bells in my head went off, because I could also lose the best friend I ever had. "You can help me with that," I told him quietly. I trailed my hands up his arms and down to his side. He didn't seem to notice.

"Good," Logan sighed in relieve. "Just tell me how."

"You actually play quite a vital part," I admitted, taking a little step towards him.

"What do you mean?" He asked confused.

"I mean that at this point, my fear of rejection will either grow or disappear depending on your reaction."

"Kendall, you're being vague again," Logan whispered, but in his eyes I saw a tiny burning light. It was as if it was dawning on him, but couldn't grasp it just yet.

I smiled. "Like I said; you're too smart for your own good." I moved my hands to the small of his back and took the last step closer to him. "I'll spell it out for you," I murmured.

Logan's breathing stopped when I leaned in and I felt all my nerves swirl around in my stomach. This could be the best or the worst moment of my life and I was nauseous like never before. I could feel how tense Logan was and with only an inch left to go I wanted to chicken out; laugh it off as a joke and pretend this never happened. But Logan's skin under my hands felt so good and I craved to know what his plump lips felt like on mine.

I closed my eyes and kissed him softly, feeling all the puzzle pieces in my head click and the big swarm of bees in my stomach stop because Logan kissed me back. I smiled into it and pulled him closer, loving his warm skin pressed to mine in the cool water. All new sensations came up; Logan's legs touching mine had my heart in overdrive and the careful brushes of his lips made all of me ache to protect him.

I rested my forehead against his and sighed happily. "Good answer."

Logan laughed softly, playing with the hair in the nape of my neck. "I didn't want to believe it was me you liked," He told me quietly.

"How come?"

"Because you can get anyone you want, I never thought you'd go for me."

"Are you kidding? You're way out of my league." I felt his grin and opened my eyes to look at it, instantly feeling warmer. I put my hand on his cheek and ran my thumb under his eyes. "I love your smile," I told him.

"I love that you're always here for me."

I snuck another kiss, before pulling away from him. "You have one more step to go. Do you want to?"

Logan stared at me for a moment, as if he'd forgotten where we were and what we were doing. It was cute. "I think so," He said, looking at that water.

I grinned. "Okay." I let go of him and swam a few feet back. "Then come to me."

He stared at me like I'd gone mad. "I can't swim, Kendall. This is nuts."

"You don't have to swim to get here, you can still stand."

Logan glared at me and reached for the ledge behind him. "Not gonna happen."

"Yes it is. I can tell that you want to and I'll be right there when something goes wrong."

He shook his head and started to shuffle out of the pool.

"Logan, you trust me, right?"

"I'm not so sure at this point," He mumbled, but he stopped moving.

"I'm convinced you can do this."

"You're crazy."

"Crazy for you, yes." I took a step forward and reached out for him. "You can do this, you've been handling this amazingly the whole night and I promise I won't ask any more of you tonight."

Logan chewed on his lip and studied the distance between us. "You said you wouldn't push me."

"I wouldn't if I wasn't sure you could do this. Think of how proud you'll be when you get here."

"Will you be too?" He asked quietly.

"Proud of you?" I asked surprised. "Logie, I'm already so proud."

He nodded. "And after this we're done, right?"

"I promise."

"Okay," Logan whispered shakily. "Catch me?"

"I will." I reached out and waited for him to take the last step into the shallow end. It would take Logan only three steps to get to me, but I knew how terrifying this must be to him. I felt only a little guilty I made him do this, because I knew exactly how good he would feel when he got it over with.

Logan let go and sank the last bit into the water, his toes touched the bottom of the pool and only his head was above it. His eyes were closed and his lips were pursed, trying desperately to find his balance. "Come here, Logie," I coaxed. "You're doing so well."

He opened his eyes and found mine quickly as he started to wade towards me. His hands found mine and I pulled him to me with a smile, sliding my arms around his waist. Logan sighed in relieve and I felt the tension leave his body. My heart swelled in my chest when I saw how much he trusted me and I kissed his forehead to hide the tears that came to my eyes. This was what I'd dreamed of for months now and I couldn't stand the thought of Logan ever doubting me.

Logan put his head on my shoulder. "I'm done with the milestones for tonight," He mumbled.

"We'll get out soon, I promise. I'm so proud of you though, it's amazing what you just did."

"Maybe a little," He whispered; I could hear the smile in his voice.

I smiled and kissed his cheek. "Are you glad you did it?"

He pulled away to look in my eyes. "Yeah, I am. But don't make me do it again, please."

"I won't," I promised. "I'm really happy though."

"Why?"

"Because you're doing so well and because I finally got to kiss you tonight."

Logan's eyes lit up and I pulled him in tighter. "I like your kisses too."

"Good, 'cause I intent to do that more from now on."

"You'd be very welcome to."

I smiled and leaned in, placing my lips to his. I knew water would never be Logan's favorite thing, but I was sure his lips would be mine.