Hold On We're Going Home

Never before had she felt so alone, around her she had very few people, either because she'd begun to push them away for fear of awkward questions or because they seemed to have distanced themselves. Her finger felt odd as the ring she'd worn for the past few months was now gone from her finger and logically she knew she should have removed it months ago. The only thing that had previously stopped her was that she hadn't been willing to give up on the relationship that Lofty had once referred to as 'Zax'. Grabbing a bottle of wine, she walked back through to the living room and sunk into the sofa. Loneliness was an ever present feeling in her life since Max had gone. If something happened, Max had always been the only person she'd wanted to tell and now she didn't have that. Instead she had the worry that he was out with other women and sadness always washed over her as she realised that there was nothing she could do about it, after all she had no claim to him.

The night passed quickly as she thought through her life over the past couple of months. In the space of a few hours, she'd manage to overthink herself into a depression which was only made worse by the alcohol she was consuming and the sight of her wedding ring on the table.

...

"Morning Dr Hanna." Noel greeted her as she walked into the ED the next morning, as she flashed him a quick smile she hoped that no one else could see her pain.

"Morning Noel. Can you tell anyone who needs me that I'll be upstairs in my office working my way through a pile of admin?" She asked as she stood at the reception desk and picked up her post, causing Noel to see her bare finger. He merely nodded as Zoe began to make her way away from the desk and a crying child and his mother made their way to the reception desk.

Her office seemed the same as it did everyday, the day seemed relatively the same as every other day and yet something was different. Inside she wondered whether the removal of her ring had made everything seemed different because something felt odd. Her finger felt naked and her heart numb as she tried to continue with her day, but it was little more than an hour into her admin day when she was disturbed for the first time.

"Come in." Zoe called to whoever it was that was knocking on her door.

"How was the hot bath?" The visitor asked, causing Zoe to look up and see her soon to be ex-husband. Friends had seemed like a good decision when he'd given her the ultimatum but now she wondered if that too had been a mistake. Every time she saw him or was in close proximity to him, she ached to touch him and it was breaking her heart that she couldn't do that.

"I remembered them being a lot more soothing than it was." Zoe admitted, but could no longer meet Max's gaze which seemed to be fixed on her. "What are you doing up here anyway?" She finally asked, breaking the awkward silence which seemed to have descended on the small office.

"I'm escaping the gossip." Was all that he offered in the way of a response. She looked at him again briefly as his eyes seemed to be scanning the room, in her head she tried to run through all of the gossip that had made its way to her office door in the past few days, but she spoke when she came up with a blank.

"What gossip is flying around today?" Zoe asked casually, partially delighted that her husband had come to her to get away from the stress of the ED.

"The one where everyone suddenly realised that our marriage is in trouble."

"Oh." She felt her heart shatter as it seemed like such a trivial thing to Max now, she was well aware of how much she'd hurt him but she had never expected him to recover from the heartache so quickly.

"They're saying that you've taken your ring off." Max stated simply, giving Zoe no hint as to how he felt about this.

She took a deep breathe before she caught his stare and for moment they just stared at each other. "Dylan told me it was time to move on, you've made it perfectly clear that friends is the only option on the table. I thought this is what you wanted?"

"Don't you get it? None of this was ever what I wanted. What I wanted was to marry the woman I loved and live the boring life of a normal married couple. None of this was ever part of the plan Zoe. You aren't the only one who's feeling hurt and confused and you aren't the only one struggling to move on."

"You haven't moved on?" Zoe asked hopefully as she hung onto his words.

"Erm...I didn't it like that. I'm gonna' go now." Max flapped around as he turned and made for the door.

"Max." She spoke his name softly, causing him to turn on his heel.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm still madly in love with you? That I still can't get you out of my mind? Because we both already know that. I can't have you not in my life but I don't know how there's any way back for us as anything but friends." Max told her as he sunk back down into the chair in front of Zoe's desk.

"You...you don't mean that Max. Somehow there has to be a way back because each day I still love you a little more." Zoe insisted as she stood and walked around to stand in front of him.

"How can there be when every time I close my eyes I see you with another man? I've had time to understand why you did it, I get that you didn't know what you were doing, I get that you were scared but that doesn't make it go away."

"If I could take it back then I would do it without a second thought Max."

"But that's just it, you can't." He sighed, he held the door handle as he glanced back one more time. Zoe moved and placed her hand over Max's on the door handle.

"Stay." Was all she could say as her whole body felt better again as she felt Max's skin against hers. "Just for a moment." She expanded. Max didn't reply but instead he took his hand off of the door and turned, and found himself as close to Zoe as he had been when he'd found her a desk lamp lightbulb. Both felt slightly awkward but comfortable as they stared at each other, neither willing to be the first to take a step back. "I know how much I hurt you Max, I know that at the moment you can't forget it. I know that if we got back together, that at first every time you touched me you'd think of him touching me. I know deep down that we could make this work, but that's not what you want anymore. I know we said friends Max but it's killing me, and if you loved me then I'm sure it's killing you too. It's so hard to be so close to you and yet not close enough to get what I really want. It's heartbreaking to have everything I ever wanted in front of me and yet it being so far out of reach."

"Zoe stop. I know this friends thing is hard, but I don't want you gone from my life. I'm done with hurting, after the wedding I was heartbroken but what made it worse was you not being there anymore. Since we began talking again, slowly I've been healing again." Max admitted, neither of them had moved meaning they were still close enough that if they moved even an inch then they'd be touching.

"I want you to heal Max, I really do but what if being friends kills me in the process?" Max tried to process what she was saying, and when it all sank in he realised what he needed to do. He moved round to Zoe's side of the desk and bent down to access her drawer, he wasn't at all surprised to find that inside was her wedding ring. Zoe looked at him questioningly as he came back round to stand just in front of her. Bending the amount necessary, he placed a slow and gentle kiss to her lips, and in seconds she responded but just as Max pulled back. Taking her hand he slipped the ring back onto her finger and then stepped back.

"I'm not there yet Zo', stick with this friends thing while I heal a little longer and then we can try again. Just be patient and please don't try to move on. We'll get there, just hold on."