This was meant to be a story but turned into a series of shorts about how much Histu-chan fails at romance xD
I was also going to post this yesterday but forgot xD (head-desk)
Disclaimer: If. Only.
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Because. Really? This is Hitsugaya here people.
.truffles.
"You are an idiot"
"Matsumoto…"
"No. Really. I have full gloating rights on this one taicho. You are the biggest moron on the planet" said captain glowered at his frustrated lieutenant, giving an apologetic glance at the rather confused cashier. "How could you?!"
"I was busy" he was getting rather miffed now. It was an honest mistake…the months all did look the same when you were sat behind a desk 24/7 and besides! It's not like he'd murdered her! That was certainly the way everyone was treating it.
"One night stand?" The girl behind the register guessed, watching the strangers with an amused glint in her eyes. Half chewed pencil stuck awkwardly behind her ear as she viewed their agonisingly slow progress round the store.
"No"
"He, can you believe this-"
"Matsumoto!"
"Forgot her birthday" several other women in the shop turned to gasp in horror, giving the shamed captain a soul destroying glance of rage. Hitsugaya shuffled awkwardly on his feet, not entirely sure what he could look at without feeling gut wrenching guilt.
"She could have warned me?"
"You've been dating for 2 years!" the cashier clicked her tongue, shaking her head mournfully from side to side. There really was no hope for some people.
"She never cared before…"
"There was a war before. She let it slide that time." Groaning in frustration the evil taicho stormed over to the gift section, trying to ignore the stage-whispered insults directed his way.
"Oh god no! Don't get her flowers! That just screams 'I couldn't be arsed'" one of them hissed, he moved his hand further along the shelf, more snarky comments as he reached for some chocolate.
"Well what should I get?!"
"A kick in the balls" the cashier muttered, sharing a quick high five with the less than supportive lieutenant.
Hitsugaya Toushiro decided then and there he would have been better off gay.
--
.roses.
"He didn't!"
"He did"
"Seriously?"
"Yup"
"Freaking seriously!?"
"I even reminded him and everything!"
"NO!"
"YES! I was all 'so anything planned for tomorrow' and he gave me this really blank stare right? So I gave him more prompting, 'you know. Tomorrow. Cake. Streamers. PRESENT?!' and he just looked at me and was like '…paper work?"
"…No?!"
"Yes."
"Paperwork?"
"Yup."
"…I'd murder him."
"It's hard when he's already dead."
"…seriously?!"
--
.dinner.
To: Mistress Soccer
From: Number 10
Subject: …erm…hi?
I know you're pissed off.
The right hook into my gut was a bit of a give away…but I'm s…sorry ok? I didn't mean to forget! It just…happened!
I know you're 23rd birthday was a huge deal and I'll make it up to you! Really!
Please don't hurt me…
Tou-Hitsugaya.
P.S. Matsumoto says 'hi'.
To: Number 10
From: Mistress Soccer
Subject: RE: erm…hi.
It was my 21st you ass.
--
.declaration.
Hitsugaya Toushiro stormed into Karin's workplace the same afternoon, determination brimming on all his features as he slammed his hands down on her desk; she glanced up at him, mild surprise on her features.
"Look! Before you start I need you to know that I am sorry about the whole birthday thing! I haven't had one in about 120 years so lighting a cake up can be a security risk in itself! I never knew you felt so strongly about this and I want to make it up to you!"
"Um-"
"Karin you and I are made for one another…I think. I'm not really sure. Does it make me a cradle snatcher since I'm 100 times older than you?"
"Histu-"
"I'm going off topic! We've had some good times…Ok so your brother died and became a Shinigami permanently and Aizen tried to murder you all in your sleep but we managed to find each other…I'm guessing. Wait…when did we meet again? Oh well never mind it's not like it's important."
"Toushiro I-"
"Karin I…wait are those headphones?" Karin raised an eyebrow at his shocked expression as she pulled the pure white devices out her ears, metal music blaring full volume, several other women leaned over to see what on earth was going on.
"I'm sorry I missed all of that what were you saying?" she asked innocently, a small part of her hoping that the blithering she couldn't hear over the drums and orchestra was an apology of some sort.
"I freaking hate you" he spat, spinning dramatically on his heel before marching out the room, shell shocked Karin still glued to her chair "And your pineapple products to!"
--
.protectiveness.
To: Mistress Soccer, Ichigo's Owner.
From: The Kung-Fu Strawberry
Subject: DOOM
Can I kill him now?
To: The Kung-Fu Strawberry
From: Ichigo's Owner
Subject: BAD FRUIT!
Stay out of it Ichigo! True love conquers all! They are going to work it out! Besides…I want to be the one to kick Hitsugaya's ass…
But it won't come to that…
Ok I did see Karin wielding grenades earlier today but I'm sure she was just redecorating again.
So yeah! Don't go nuclear!
Rukia x!
To: Ichigo's Owner
From: The Kung-Fu Strawberry
Subject: WTF?
ICHIGO'S OWNER?!!
To: The Kung-Fu Strawberry
From: Ichigo's Owner
Subject: Damn right
You are my bitch.
Silence.
--
.windows.
"So this is considered Romanian?"
"Romantic."
"That to…" Hitsugaya muttered from his stealthy position behind a bush, Urahara sighed and rolled his eyes. The things he did for fun…
"Not to hard now-wait!" hissed the shop keeper as the tiny captain stood up, threw his weight back, stretching his arm round and firing the fairly large rock at several hundred miles an hour at the Kurosaki girls bedroom window.
There was a smash as the whole window fell through followed swiftly by an almighty thump as someone's body collapsed to the floor.
"Did I do it right?" Toushiro asked, peering over the wall to admire his handy work.
Kisuke was already 2000 miles in the other direction, laughing his ass off.
You never had a camera when you needed one.
--
.hospitals.
The atmosphere was heavy on the ward, the group clustered sombrely round the body, the doctor silently reaching over to the ventilator, ready to switch it off and end it all. The father hugged his weeping child tightly, his eldest son gritting his teeth so tightly he was nearly drawing blood.
No one said a word.
"Wait!" everyone stared, the doors flung open, Histugaya stumbled through, faltering awkwardly in his hastily put on gigai "It was my fault!" he cried, grabbing hold of the end of the bed to hold himself upright.
The crowd gaped; even the young blonde girl had stopped crying to stare in awe at the stranger.
"I threw the rock…"
"Rock?" The doctor mumbled "this is a car crash incident…"
A crease appeared in Hitsugaya's forehead. He shuffled forward to look at the body, a look of horrified embarrassment dawning slowly on his features.
"…what hospital is this?" he croaked.
"Karakura Central…" one of the onlooker's mumbled "Veterinary practise…" the dog lying on the bed breathed in slowly, aided of course by the machinery surrounding it.
Toushiro awkwardly shuffled toward the door.
"…this never happened…" he mumbled darkly.
--
.understanding.
"I don't know why she won't forgive me…I've tried everything…"
"Including GBH…" Matsumoto quipped offhandedly, staring in frustration at the crossword in front of her "she might be PMS'ing…" she added, snorting at the tired old excuse. She loved using it to shirk her responsibilities with the other Shinigami…
"PM whating?" Hitsugaya queried, clearly irked that he wasn't quite as knowledgeable as he once thought.
"You know…that time of the month?" Matsumoto went on, blank face. "Aunt Irma's come to visit? She's in the red?" still nothing "for god's sake taicho she's on her period!"
"…does she not like wearing red or something?" Matsumoto rolled her eyes, heaving herself upright and leaning over the desk, giving a subtle wink to the assembled officers before whispering the ultimate truth into her captain's ear.
When Toushiro finally stumbled into the captains meeting, hair wilting, eyes dull and skin grey Unohana's doctor instincts immediately picked up.
"Is everything alright Hitsugaya-taicho?" she asked, gently tapping him on the shoulder. The smallest captain leaped about 10 foot in the air, slapped her hand away and pressed himself the wall furthest from her. "Taicho-" she began
"You bleed! For days! From…from…that place! All of you! Sickening!" and with a very unbecoming squeal he dashed from the room at top speed.
"Period talk?" Ukitake asked out loud to no one in particular. Watching the little guy break any land speed records previously set in his wild dash to safety.
"Apparently…" Ukitake shuddered.
"Poor guy, Yamamoto told me…" the other captains nodded in sympathy.
That must have been horrific.
--
.ice caves.
Karin, after nursing a very confused Renji back to health after his most recent head injury (she had warned him not to go into her room…) was absentmindedly strolling home from work, taking the more scenic route by the river, and enjoying the freedom of being single woman.
No really.
She was not thinking about the shorty. At all.
In fact-
"Sail upon the frozen-" she heard an all too familiar voice yell, followed by another scream (oddly in the voice of Matsumoto) of terror bellowing "don't kill her taicho!" there was a moment of brief still before the river exploded, a wall of water hurtling its way toward the shell shocked Karin.
"Son of a-" she managed roar before being engulfed by the tsunami, the bulk of it quickly changing form into ice leaving a panting Karin on the base of it and a very proud Toushiro next to her.
"Do you forgive me now?" he stated, like a child who had just covered the living room in mud claiming he was redecorating and waiting for praise.
Karin took a deep breath. Then another because that one just wasn't big enough.
"Forgive you! Forgive you! You nearly DROWNED me! Now we're stuck in a block of ice, I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt, soaking wet and about to freeze to death! How! HOW! Is this romantic!?"
"…is that a no?"
"RAHRGUFG!" she screamed, punching the unsuspecting captain in the chest sending him toppling backwards into the ice. She marched over to the dazed Shinigami, hoisting him up by the shirt and glaring daggers "Let me out of here right now or I swear to god you won't be able to have children"
"Yes ma'am!"
--
.sunsets.
She sits on the guard rail and patiently waits as always, because for a genius he's surprisingly slow, and counts the clouds until he shows, making patterns in the sky.
Her phone buzzes in her pocket, a growing sense of irritation slowly bubbling within her. Flipping the device open she scrolls to the new message, for a second nothing moves, her forehead creases slightly, hands shaking with suppressed rage.
Her mouth opens and closes but no words are strong enough to express her sheer white hot rage.
With a snarl she throws the mobile over the railing and marches back home, not a word to anyone as she barricades herself in her room for a week.
New Message:
Hey Karin, out of curiosity will you marry me?
Romance was freaking dead she decided and eventually text him back anyway.
--
Her answer was 'hell no'
--
Boom?
Anyway. This idea is please do not follow cliché's. Do not copy my example. For I am occasionally a bad seed…