October 1999

Jethro held my hand on the flight back to Washington DC after Paris, and I let him. It was comforting, but I knew what I had to say to him and what had to happen. We were field agents at NCIS, partners in work. We could not have a relationship. That was one of Jethro's rules.

Rule no. 12: never date a co-worker.

It had gone on long enough, we had started dating when we went to Paris last year. Since then we had gone to Italy, Serbia and London together and we remained lovers throughout that time. And throughout our more recent undercover operation where we went back to Paris. Yes admittedly we got much too close in Paris this time; our relationship nearly jeopardised our mission. It had to stop. I needed to stop these childish fantasies about having a real, normal relationship with Jethro.

Oh, who am I kidding? I love him. I really do. Everything about him was just so perfect! His voice, his smile, his laugh. The way he used to look at me, the way he knew me too well. The way I could never hide anything from him; he knew everything about me. And more than anything, I loved the way he held me when we made love in Paris…

But I had to do what is best for me. And the fact of the matter is that meant letting Jethro go. It killed me to say that, even think it but, the truth was I had a job and unfortunately he was my co-worker, and a relationship I couldn't have. I had to tell him, but I couldn't get the courage to do it.

We eventually arrived back in DC and got back to the office. When we were in the lift to go the squad room, Jethro finally spoke to me.

"Jen, was that real?"

"What do you mean Jethro?" I tried to pretend I didn't know what he is talking about, hoping that he wasn't going to say what I thought he was going to say. I knew it has to be said, but I was hoping to avoid the subject as long as I could. I wanted to pretend everything was okay and that everything was going to be able to stay the same, despite knowing that wasn't possible. I turned and looked at him and Jethro reached around me and stopped the lift. Then I knew he was serious.

"What happened between us in Paris. Jen, don't pretend. You know what I am talking about. We both know what I am saying. We have both been thinking the same."

"Yes, Jethro. It was definitely real." I tried my hardest to avoid the question.

"Jen…. Stop avoiding the question, please?" I sighed, knowing it had to be said eventually so I might as well get it over it with.

"Jethro, it was real. Too real. Every minute was real. And I don't regret anything. But we are back in DC and back at the office. It's back to reality I'm afraid and this time it has to end." I spoke softly, almost hoping he wouldn't hear me, so I would have to repeat myself and so would be able to change my words, regretting every word but knowing that it was for the best and that it was the only way.

"I feared that would be the case." Jethro moved closer towards me and as I moved backwards and my back hit the wall of the lift. Jethro stood in front of me. I looked directly into his eyes as I spoke again. "You knew that it wouldn't end any other way, Jethro. It is one of your rules after all." I tried to smile slightly. Jethro laughed, but in a slightly sarcastic tone.

"Yeah, one of my rules. I didn't realise how hard that rule is to stick to, because if you fall in love, there's not a lot you can do about it."

"I know. I know" I looked up at his handsome face and into his sincere eyes. His eyes… that was definitely my weak point. I stood there with the overwhelming urge to kiss him, but I knew that would be cruel. "So we agree? We remain co-workers, ONLY co-workers."

"I suppose we have to, Jen. As much as it hurts, we have to." Despite what he said to me he moved closer and put his hands either side of my head, forcing me to stay where I was, staring into his eyes.

"Indeed. It's our only choice." I stared at him, and when he didn't moved I said. "Jethro what are you doing?"

"Something that is stupid." Then he learnt in and kissed me. I stood still for a moment and then, stupidly, I leant in and put my hands around his neck. As he put his arms around my waist, I flashed back to Paris and then suddenly I remembered where I was. I slowly pulled away and whispered. "No, Jethro. You know that's not what I was saying."

"I know, Jen. I don't know what came over me." He sighed and moved back and for a moment he just looked at me. "We do need to stop all this though."

"I know, Jethro. That's what I was trying to say." And then I turned around and switched the elevator back on. For the remainder of the lift ride, we didn't speak, both lost in thought. Every minute in that silence, had been torture for me, but I had forced myself to remain quiet, knowing that there was nothing left to say; nothing of any use anyway. Before the lift stopped, I made one last mistake and turned and quickly kissed Jethro on the cheek. As we left the lift, I stood back and watched him walk away, and I knew I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but I knew it was my only choice.

As I walked back into the squad room, for the first time in nearly a month, Cynthia, the director's secretary called me over.

"Hey, Jen." She walked over to me, obviously meaning business. "Enjoy your time in Paris?"

"Whilst it lasted, yeah. You okay?"

"Yeah, the director needs to see you though." Oh dear, the minute I heard that I got slightly worried that someone might have let slip to the director about me and Jethro, in Paris. Maybe I said my goodbye to Jethro a little too late.

"Is it about the Op? If so we might need Jethro." I tried to act casual, although I was starting to worry about why the director wanted to see me.

"Nope, the director didn't say what it was about. But he didn't say that he needed to see Jethro as well. Come on. You need to come and see him. We both know how impatient he can get." I laughed slightly at that one, but it was mostly forced.

I walked with Cynthia to the director's office, and Cynthia knocked and let me in. "Yes director, you wanted to see me?"

"Ahh, Agent Shepard. How did everything go in Paris?" I almost wished people would stop asking that. Every time someone asked about it, I just wanted to break down in tears, but I kept myself together and answered the question on a professional level, knowing that's what he wanted.

"Yes it went very well thank you. I have finished my report, Agent Gibbs is just finishing his."

"Very well." The director nodded approvingly. "Well leave yours with Cynthia at the end of today, please." I nodded my understanding, not wanting to speak in case I let everything out. "Anyway, that isn't why I asked to see you. Take a seat." I sat down and looked at him, feeling even more worried by this point, as the director sounded so serious. "Agent Shepard, are a very good agent and I tell other agencies that."

"Thank you director."

"So when the Pentagon told me that one of their agents had retired and they wanted a new agent, preferably from this agency…" I couldn't believe that it might be true, was he suggesting what it sounded like? Then he actually said it. "Jenny Shepard, you have been offered a job in the Pentagon."

"I have?" I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. My ultimate aim had always been to end up at the Pentagon, so I could follow in my father's footsteps and hopefully end up as the first female director of NCIS; a slightly surreal aim in life, but that's where I want to go in life. I couldn't believe it might have happened.

"Yes and if you agree, you will be move tomorrow." The minute the he said that, I knew that it was the best thing to do. I would be moved away from Jethro, and would have the job I had always wanted so much. It was the best thing for me. It just meant leaving NCIS which was like a family to me.

"Well, what paperwork do I sign?" I said, just wanting to get it over with and leave preferably before Jethro did, so I wouldn't have to explain myself to him.

"I was hoping you say that Jenny. You are brilliant agent and you deserve the best."

"Thank you Director."

"Well Agent Shepard, sign here, pass over your NCIS badge, and your weapon as you will get a new one there, and I wish you all the best for the future."