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Disclaimer: I do NOT own Fairy Tail! (Though I wish I did!)
Lucy's POV
Here I am. I'm drowning. I'm drowning in a pit of despair. Crying every night. Trying to sleep. Wanting to die but failing every time. Maybe I should walk away. But this time. Maybe I should walk away from everyone. No. I won't walk away from everyone. Just mostly everyone. I'm slowly cutting off most people. I'll only keep two or three. Not even. I don't want to hurt them if I succeed. I just want my wish to be fulfilled.
My wish. A simple wish really. My wish is to die. To die and have no one care. To have no one grieve when I'm gone. That's all. Why should someone grieve over a nothing? When someone says they are a nothing. I can make them feel like a something. Though. As for me. I don't feel like an anything. No matter what. I refuse to have pity. I don't like it. I never have. I never will. But being a nobody. Makes it easier. To disappear. Why not disappear…? I mean… My pain… It controls me. Not even shutting off my emotions help me with my pain. Living… Breathing… It all hurts…
It hurts… It's too much… I can't feel… No… It's not that I can't… It's just that I don't want to… I turned off the will to feel. The will to laugh a real laugh. Or cry a real tear. I only feel pain. No real happiness is in my life. I haven't found it yet. I thought that maybe… Just maybe… Someone could reinstate happiness in my life… But I was wrong. Being happy? I don't see the whole point in it… Someone always gets hurt. Whether they realize it or not. They are hurting someone else. Being hurt. Sucks… It makes you feel like there is nothing left. And sometimes… It breaks people entirely...
You think someone is here for me? Ha. You're funny. I'm alone now. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. Watching the people I thought cared about me turn against me... The people who said they'd be there for me… Turn their backs on me… The people who promised me forever… Gone. One by one. Each and every one of them will end up leaving me. Don't try and tell me otherwise. I don't know much. But I know society. I know the people I have around me. I'm alone… Shattered. Broken. Done. I'm done with life. I'm done with thinking that one day… Everything will be okay and I can be happy… But I can't. Not anymore. I've lost everyone… I'm tired of people telling they are here for me but they leave me the minute they get the chance… You think I'm stupid? Because I'm not. I can read the toon you're playing in your head. You just want to leave me too. Don't you?
You're just like everyone else. Leaving because they don't like me. Find me annoying. Or just don't want to deal with my bullshit. I'm sorry I have problems. I'm sorry I'm mentally not well. I'm sorry I cared. And most of all! I'm sorry I even tried to be friends with people. You all clearly hate me. Don't want me around. Want me to die. Whatever the case is. It's all the same. No matter what I do. I'll either hurt you. Or I'll get hurt myself. And since I'm done with people. No one will have to worry about me hurting them. Whether it's now. Or later. No one has to worry about it anymore. Because I swear I'm done. I'm just straight up done. Feeling? Is out of the question. Caring? Isn't an option. Loving? Fuck that shit. No matter how you put it. I'm just done. I don't want to care. So I won't! Because affection. Only messes with the minds of mankind. There is no way to fix it either. I'm done! I want to die in peace. But that's not going to happen so long as there are people around me who care...
So I will walk away from the world. And I'll try and smile. But it won't be real. I keep my things to myself. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I only make people worry or annoyed. So what's the point? No one should care. I'm a nobody. No. Actually! Nobody is too good for me. I'm a nothing to everyone and everything. I see no point in being a something if I'm just hurting everything. People. Animals. Anything I can get my hands on I hurt. I've seen so many people in pain because of my decisions in life. Don't tell me you care. I know you don't. If you did. I wouldn't have to be the one to send the first text. I wouldn't have to be the one to start a conversation. I wouldn't be the one to start anything. I would just be there. But if I didn't do anything? I would be alone. Maybe I should be alone… It's better for everything and everyone, I'm done. "I'm sitting on the edge with my two best friends one's a bottle of pills and one's a bottle of Gin… I'm twenty stories up yeah up at the top… I polished off this bottle now it's pushing me off… Asphalt has never looked so soft…" Entirely how I feel anymore. Stay? Or go? That's not up to me It's up to the way people treat me. And they treat me like shit. So! Someday soon. I'll say goodbye and maybe then I'll be happy.
Let me go. Let me leave. Let me smile. Let me be. I want to be happy and it seems the only way I can do that is by dying. So, please. Please let me die. Let me say goodbye. Let me smile a real smile as I fade away and leave this cursed world. That way I don't have to continue lying to you That way I don't have to keep saying "I'm fine..." Just let me go! Don't look back… Don't try and stop me… I cared for so long and now it's over… Feeling any sort of emotion is not an option… If it was at one point in time… It's not now… And it never will be… Never again… I swear it… Why should I feel..? Tell me… Why should I even care when no one else does… Why should I be the one that's in pain when I was just feeling… If this is where feeling will get me then forget it… Forget it all…Because I am done… I refuse to feel… I'm done with it… Almost as much as I am done with life… Don't… Whatever you are thinking don't do it… I don't care what it is… Unless you are thinking that you might want to leave or that you should leave then don't think it… If you are thinking you should leave or that you want to leave… Then, please… Keep thinking it… It'll make my life easier… Because in the long run… I still don't like hurting people because of my own selfish actions… I see no point in it… Just leave me be… Like everyone else has… Just leave and save yourself from me… Before I hurt you or someone else close to you… Please… Just go… All of you…
I know now that no one needs me… I've accepted it… I'm just a therapist… Aren't I…? You only come to me when you need help… You only want me when I have something… You… All of you… Slowly broke me… Slowly… But surely broke me… Both inside and out… I want to feel that blade again… I want to feel it ripping into my skin… I want to see the blood slowly pour our of my body… I want to smell my blood as if continues to pour out… And most of all… I want to cry as it happens… I want to end it all… But… Should I…? I mean… I was left alone by… What…? Everyone…? My "Best Friends"... Are never there for me… The people I actually cared about… Have all turned away from me… They pushed me down… And ignored me…
Walking away from the world… Would make my life easier… It would make me happy… It would… It would do so much… It would do more good for me than for the "Friends" who actually cared… But I don't think any of them cared… I really don't think they do… They never have… No one has… No one will… Living life now… Means nothing to me whatsoever… What reason do I have to live when everyone hates me… When everyone uses me… When everyone manipulates me… When everyone breaks me down… Cuts me up… Rips me apart and threw me as far away as possible… Tell me… Tell me why… "And I've lost it all… Fell today… It's all the same… I'm sorry… .I'm sorry… And I've been abused… I feel so used… Because of you… I'm sorry… I'm sorry..."
Do you realized how I feel now…? Do you see how broken I am…? Do you understand why I want to go…? Why I want to die so badly…? I want to disappear… Vanish… Be gone and done with everything and everyone… No matter who is reading this… I want to be wiped off the face of the Earth… You have no idea anymore… I'm tired of it all… I can't do this… I'm tired of being manipulated. I had to deal with that shit from my mother and father both… I love my friends. But enough is enough. It feels like I'm reliving my past, and I can't do that. I just can't. I won't either. I feel like I'm being suffocated. Memories keep popping up of every time I was used. And what happened when I was finished? I was beaten. You know why? Because I fucked up and I ended up hurting them or the person they cared about.
So please. Let me walk away. Let me leave this world. Let me be alone that way I know who I am and who I need to be. If I need to change then I will. But until then? Just don't bother with me. I'll just hurt you in the long run. I don't want to, but it seems that way. I've hurt too many people. I don't you to be next. I'm not doing this for just myself. I'm doing this for everyone I care about because I know that I will hurt them. I don't want to hurt or leave anyone but I'm tired of being manipulated.
I can't repeat the cycle anymore. Both of my parents manipulated me. And when I fucked up and hurt them or someone they cared about, they beat me. Then turned around and repeated the same thing. Even though my "friends" don't beat me… They leave me for at least the next week or two. They just ignore me. But they manipulate me. I can't stand it. The fact that I feel like my life is a broken record. It just keeps repeating and I can't seem to find out how to fix it… Why do you think I can't sleep at night? Why do you think I don't like talking to people? Why do you think I don't like being touched? Tell me! Please! Because apparently what I'm feeling is wrong. Is it? Is it really wrong? The only thing I see wrong is the fact that I still have certain emotions turned on… Yeah. You heard me. I still have certain emotions on that I can't seem to turn off. And they won't no matter how much I try. They won't and it kills me every single Goddamned mother fucking day. I like to be alone. But I love my friends. And even though I love my friends… I still get stabbed in the back repeatedly.
I am not your therapist. I am not a doll you can play with. I am not a ball, and therefore, you cannot kick me around. I'm not here for your entertainment. I am here to live my life. But I can't do that if you keep hurting me. Stop hurting me. I try my best not to hurt you, and if I do. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm weak and useless. But you don't need to worry about me anymore. I'll leave you alone. I'll sit in the back and ignore everyone if that makes you happy. Live your life and I'll live mine. Stop fucking with my emotions. Stop manipulating me. Stop whatever you are doing, or whatever you are trying to do. Because soon enough I'll be "Gone, gone, gone, gone." And you won't even have to worry about breathing the same air as me…
Well! There you have it! A new story! Sorry if I get slow to update! Just let me know if you want me to update a specific one! I'll do my best!
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Love,
E.C.