Title: Please, Don't Say You Love Me
Pairing: Helga x Godric
Prompts: What the signs fear the most: Commitment (Gemini).
Word Count: 2, 255
Authors note: Zodiac Challenge
He did not believe in love at first sight. It would probably come like a shock to most people; that Godric Gryffindor – the courageous man who believed in fighting for what was right and who cherished friendship above many other things – did not believe in love at first sight.
Then he met Helga. And he was forced to change his mind. Because there was no other way of describing their first meeting. It was at the castle. The other two – Salazar and Rowena – had already arrived and they were just waiting for Helga. A woman that Godric had yet to meet but he had been told that he was going to like her. So far, he did not like her. She was late. Not that being on time was that important to Godric. Only when he was excited about something. Which he was. He was so excited that waiting had led him to pace back and forth in front of the entrance. Godric never paced.
A loud bang. Or maybe it was just a poof? Godric could never quite describe the sound that came with apparition. Regardless of what it sounded like it had him turn around and look towards the source of the sound. The woman that appeared was small and had long red hair. Though she was small Godric got the feeling that she was more powerful than she looked.
"I am sorry that I am late." She spoke and looked at Rowena and Salazar. "It is very nice to see you again Rowena."
The blond man could not contain the amusement he felt when looking at Godric. Just like Godric could not ignore the way his heartbeat increased just a little bit. If he felt like this just hearing her voice, then Godric was almost afraid of what would happen when she turned around and would let him see her face.
"That is perfectly alright." Rowena stood up and brushed away invisible dust from her dress. Her black hair was pushed up and out of her face. "This is Salazar and the man behind you…" – she waited for Helga to turn around – "is Godric."
Godric took a step towards her – lessening the gap – and she took one more – making them almost stand too close. Godric smiled. That charming smile that had Salazar roll his eyes and Rowena bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing. Helga smiled back and that was the first time Godric felt butterflies inside his stomach. He often laughed when being told that is what happened when you fell in love. He failed to see any correlation between butterflies inside one's gut and falling in love.
Yet, there he was. Feeling some kind of way that was impossible for him to describe even to himself.
"It is very nice to meet you." He spoke eventually.
Helga nodded. "The feeling is mutual."
That was the beginning of a dance, their dance.
Godric flirted with her. When he thought no one saw he would smile at her. He allowed his touches to linger on her arm, on her waist, her cheek just a little bit longer than he did with anyone else. He touched her in ways that he would never do another woman or man. He would watch her from afar, he would smile when he saw her doing something just oh so typically Helga. He was not annoyed by her childish way of looking at the world. No, he enjoyed it. He loved listening to her speak and he thrived in the world that she painted for him using only her colourful words.
Helga flirted with him too. She stood outside of his classroom – whenever she had the time – and watched him explain something to the students or just sit back and listen to his students debate on whatever issue had had brought to their attention that time. She would look for his smile and feel her heart become lighter at the sight of it. She was much more discrete than him and preferred going to him once darkness had laid itself upon the castle. Helga could not count on one hand how many nights she had spent in his room. Probably more than in her own.
It was love. It could not be denied. Rowena saw it as clear as day. Even Salazar saw their relationship for what it was. Everyone did. Godric and Helga too. And it scared Godric senseless. Then one day Helga told him the words she was not allowed to say – the words Godric could not bear to hear – and he did not say them back. That night Helga did not come to his room. And the next day Godric flirted with Rowena in front of Helga. The redhead got back at him by letting her touches on Salazar's shoulder linger just a bit longer than usual. Neither Rowena nor Salazar was stupid enough to believe that the two meant anything by their actions. Salazar saw the way Helga looked in Godric's direction and Rowena saw the way Godric's smile fell. It was hurting them both and yet they kept the act up. Trying their very best to pretend that being without each other was not painful at all.
It got to the point where Godric could no longer sleep at night before Rowena intervened. She found the man sitting by himself in the window of the library looking out at something.
"There you are," Rowena said but Godric did nothing to indicate that he had heard her. Rowena stood behind him and looked out the window, sighing when she saw the redheaded woman sitting by a great three with a book in her hands. "Are you two still not on speaking terms?"
Godric shrugged.
"You are being very immature acting like this." Rowena hit his shoulder. That got his attention. "You two love…"
"Do not dare finish that sentence!" Godric near shouted at her. His eyes were wide and he had his hand stretched out in front of him as if he could force the words away with sheer violence if needed. "Whatever you do, please, do not say it out loud."
"Why not? It is the truth is it not?"
Godric sighed and leaned his forehead onto the palm of his hands. "You just… please, do not say it."
Realisation dawned on Rowena. "You are afraid."
Godric scoffed. "Afraid, me? Have you not met me Rowena? I fear nothing. I am the very image of bravery am I not?"
Rowena nodded. "In some ways, yes. You are not afraid of fighting for what you believe is right, you are not afraid of the possibility of getting physically hurt or even dying if you do it while doing the right thing. But you are afraid of something."
Godric looked at her. "Please do tell, what am I afraid of? I am dying to know."
"You are afraid of love." Rowena said and the smile fell from Godric's face. "You are afraid of feeling deeply for someone and caring about them so much that they become more important to you then your own life. Because what if you lose them, what would you do then?"
"Stop it- "
"You would be forced to deal with emotional pain and you do not know how to do that."
"Please, Rowena- "
"That is why you pushed Helga away when she told you that she loved you. Because the idea of losing her scares you more than anything you can possibly imagine. You would rather face physical pain than emotional."
Godric's face had gone pale. He usually smiled but now his lips looked more like thin lines than anything else. He did not object, nor did he argue with her. Instead he sighed deeply and put his hands over his face.
"Do you want to fix it?" Rowena asked.
"Yes." Godric replied. "But I am not entirely sure if I can. I did all the things I needed to push her away. There is very little that can make this situation any worse. How can I possibly make it up to her?"
Rowena shrugged. "I have no clue." She patted his shoulder. "But I am sure that you will come up with something."
Godric watched her leave. He glanced out the window once more and saw Helga looking straight at him. Quickly he pushed himself away from the window. It was not until he stood hidden in the darkest corners of the library that he realised that his hands were shaking. It felt like he had been running for an hour the way his heart raced and his lungs were desperately gasped for air. It was a less comfortable version of the feeling he would get when Helga looked at him with that particular expression.
It was an expression reserved specially for him. A barely there smile with the joy radiating from her eyes. He had not seen that smile since the day before Helga told him that she was in love with him. But unlike the feelings that took control of his body this time that expression made him feel warm all over and he was unable to stop smiling. Godric sighed again. Once he was in control of himself he hurried out of the library and back to his room. He did not come down for lunch. Nor for dinner. He just laid on his back looking at the roof.
He should have told Helga that he did not want her to say those words. He had known that they were coming. It was something about the way she looked at him, the way she cradled his face and looked him deep in his eyes. It was almost as if she was afraid that he would not hear it that he would not understand it unless she pressed her entire body against him or said the words with all the emotions she could muster. Helga was if nothing else passionate. Godric was not surprised this was the way she chose to go about it. He knew that he was going to break her heart by not saying it back. But he had still let her say those words to him. And then he closed up. His heart stopped beating, the smile fell and it felt as if his legs were on fire. He had to run away or he would die. Godric was sure of it. So, that is what he did. He ran away. He ignored Helga calling his name and fled, fearing for his own life. And by doing so he lost the person he cared about most in this world. Because he did care about her. So much. He just could not say those words.
Later that night. Godric did not know how late. He knocked on her door wearing only a pair of pants and a robe that was a few sizes too small. Helga often told him that he had to get a new but so far Godric had managed to postpone it. One of those days he was going to have to get a new one. But then again, there were a lot of things he had to do one of these days.
Her red hair had been braided. Messily so. Helga was never good at braids. She would often let Godric do it. He had more hours braiding hair under his belt than people believed. There were red lines on her face from the pillow and the thin fabric of her nightgown had spun itself around her body.
"You woke me up." Helga said.
"Sorry." Godric leaned against the side of the door. His eyes never left hers. "I came because I wanted to tell you something."
"Speak."
Godric swallowed deeply. Rowena often told him that one of these days he would have to prepare himself. He could not go into every situation assuming that he would come up with something and everything would sort itself out. Godric had laughed at her and then he improvised a speech for the parents of the children that were possibly coming to their school. He believed that proved his point; anything could be made up in the spur of the moment. But this proved Rowena's point. Every now and again he would have to prepare himself.
"A few days ago, you told me something…"
"I told you that I loved you."
Godric flinched. "Yeah, you told me that and I did not say it back. And I am not here to say it back now either."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"I am here to tell you that I am sorry for not saying it back. I am sorry for not being able to. I am also here to ask you a favour." Godric drew a shivering breath. "Please, don't say those words because I cannot say it back. But you still make my heart beat quicker when you look at me like that. I still feel a shiver down my spine when you touch me – whether it be my hand, my lips or my shoulder – and the best part of the day is when you appear. Wherever that may be. If I see you, my day gets brighter."
"You just cannot say you love me?" Helga asked. A small smile on her face. That look.
Godric nodded. "Not yet anyway."
Helga nodded again. "Do you want to come in?"
Godric nodded. He drew a deep breath and felt the despair be replaced by warmth. "I would love to."
The end