"So, Potter," sneered Malfoy yet again. "You think you're such a big man, don't you? So happy that you managed to put my father into Azkaban?"
"What the bloody hell are you here for, Malfoy?" asked Ron, rudely.
"Yeah, looking to book that double cell I offered your mom?" added Harry. "I always did think there was something going on between you two..."
"God, Weasley," replied Malfoy, choosing to ignore Harry. "I always knew you were poor, but I hadn't realised you couldn't even afford a subscription to the Daily Prophet...truly a shame to the name of wizardkind..."
Just then, the post owls came in, dropping Hermione's Daily Prophet. Immediately, Hermione screamed, while Draco simply smirked.
"Mass breakout in Azkaban yet again," read out Ron. "Malfoy, Lestrange escape amongst others...what the hell?" he snarled.
"Can't read without saying it out loud, Weasley?" said Draco. "Truly, the depths to which your family can sink..."
"Shut up before I slap you in the face again, Malfoy," gasped Hermione, by now having regained control of herself. "Merlin's pants, I told the Ministry the Dementors wouldn't be enough..."
"You actually thought they'd listen to a Mudblood like you, Granger?" laughed Malfoy. "Well, see you later, Potter," he added, beginning to walk off. "That is, if my aunt doesn't get your Mudblood friend and her blood traitor boyfriend first..."
Ron's face coloured so fast a passing second-year girl thought he had had an orgasm, but Harry pushed him down and hissed "Wait." Then he turned to Hermione and whispered something in her ear. However, it seemed that Hermione wasn't paying attention, because instead of replying, she squeaked, "You think Malfoy knows what I and Ron did in the Room of Requirement last night?!"
"WHOA! I did not need to hear that!" yelled Harry, just as Ron mentioned helpfully, "Well, you were screaming rather loudly, Hermione..."
Before Hermione could finish threatening Ron with something involving his testicles, Harry cut in, "Time and a bloody place, you two! Now are you going to help me take care of Malfoy once and for all, or not?"
Hermione blushed. "Sorry, Harry...what were you asking again?"
Harry repeated the question. Hermione thought for a few seconds, and then said, "Yes, probably. But you aren't going to..."
Yet again interrupting Hermione - which would have put him in grave danger of losing his voice for a week on any other day - Harry stood up and yelled, "Hey, Malfoy! I fucked your mom!"
Immediately, the Great Hall became completely silent as it waited to hear the reply of Malfoy, for Ron (continuing his knack of being extremely helpful) had cast a Sonorus on Harry just before he had uttered those words.
Malfoy seemed to be completely frozen for several seconds. Then he turned around, and in an amazing imitation of Professor Snape, whispered, "What did you just say, Potter?"
"Professor McGonagall, are you planning to let this despicable behaviour continue unpunished?" snarled Snape, at his table.
"Eh? What?" said McGonagall. "Sorry, Severus, I think I didn't transfigure my ear trumpet properly...why is the Great Hall silent?"
Snape turned to Dumbledore, but he merely said something about boys being boys and lemon drops being lemon drops and then seemed to fall asleep. He considered going in and taking care of it himself, but then thought better of it. The Dark Lord would be most displeased if he killed Potter by accident, and it would be so much easier to wait until Potter did something that would get him expelled...
"I said," yelled Harry, still loud enough to be heard by the entire hall, "that I fucked your mom. Right in the pussy, with my eleven-inch wand! She told me it was bigger than yours, and added that your dad's was fake! How do you want to reply to that, you little..." - here he stooped down and took advice from the still helpful Ron - "...greasy dark lord's rent boy! Nice one, Ron."
"That's why I love him," purred Hermione, inching closer to him.
In his rage, Malfoy didn't even notice that Crabbe and Goyle were still trying to puzzle out what the odd noise that was hurting their heads was, and instead ran straight at Harry, pulling his mere ten-inch wand out of his robes as he did so. "I'm going to get you for that, Potter! Sectumsempra!"
Harry thought of Sirius' last words to him, delivered in a dream a week after he had died - "Always use protection, son" - and yelled, "Protego!" Then he hissed to Hermione, "NOW!"
With an effort, Hermione pulled her mind away from Ron's massive 14'' wand and the wonders it could do, and instead pulled out her own wand. With a flourish borne of being the brightest witch of her age - in more ways than one, as Ron could testify - she swiftly and smoothly turned Draco Malfoy into a ferret, for the third time in his life. (The second time involved Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode, and is best not thought about.)
Having anticipated this move, Harry finished the Wombo Combo with "Crucio!"
As the Great Hall saw ferret-Malfoy writhe on the floor, and Crabbe and Goyle were trying to understand what "fucking" meant, every student in houses other than Slytherin stood up and started clapping. Unfortunately, this curtain-closer was interrupted in the form of Severus Snape.
The aforementioned suspiciously bat-like human smirked arrogantly in an unconscious attempt to imitate James, who, of course, had been the real object of his crush in life, and said silkily, "Well, Potter, it seems that you aren't the saint everyone imagines you to be. Using an Unforgivable on another human being...well, well, it seems it'll be Azkaban for you after all." He idly wondered whether he could lock him up in his own dungeons instead, and his mind wandered along similar lines...
"Hem, hem," said Harry, a skill that he had learned from Ginny just a week ago (she had eccentric taste in pillow talk). "I believe, Snivellus, that if you read through Modern Magical Law for Dummies and Greasy Gits thoroughly, you will find that casting unforgivable curses on animals is completely legal. As the git formerly known as Malfoy is, in fact, a ferret, my actions did not violate any laws."
Before Snape could solidly formulate a response to this, Albus Dumbledore stood up, a bland smile on his face. He said, "My dear boy. It seems circumstances have forced my hand to do something which I always wanted to do." He coughed before continuing, "As the kids say these days, I do believe, Professor Snape, that you have just been COMPLETELY OWNED," he roared, suddenly using his prodigious powers to cause some rather interesting Muggle music to play. He continued, "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" for several seconds, and then began to dance. He danced in such a manner that even though no student in the hall knew what swag was or could mean, every single one instantly recognized the dance as signalling that Albus Dumbledore had the greatest swag on the planet.
Professor McGonagall stood up. "I must object to this incredible tomfoolery and blatant violation of the norms," she said, through gritted teeth. "It seems clear that Professor Dumbledore has become far too old and out of touch with his own mind to run this school anymore." She looked disdainfully at the man (who was still dancing merrily) before continuing, "After all, every schoolchild knows that the kids these days say GET REKT MATE," she screamed, suddenly appearing next to Snape, her Scottish accent being more pronounced than ever, as spittle flew from her mouth and helped clean the Potion Professor's greasy hair.
Snape did the only thing that seemed possible in the crushing and bewildering situation that he was in. He pressed the mark on his left arm desperately, cowering under the airhorn that McGonagall was now blowing in his direction, praying for his Lord to save him.
"Yes, did you call, Severus?" said Lord Voldemort, suddenly appearing at the entrance. "Wait...is that...NOOOOOO! SWAG, MY ONLY WEAKNESS!" he wailed, as the sight of the most powerful wizard in the world dancing drained all his power from him. Fascinated, the entire school watched as the Headmaster contorted his arms in a physically impossible way before snapping his fingers once at Voldemort, an act which had no magic behind it but took the breath away from everyone watching.
"I hate to say this, but I must say I doubted Dumbledore once," said Harry, gravely, to Ron and Hermione. "When he said swag was the power Voldemort knew not...well, all that's in the past. I know so much better now," he said, with a bowed head.
"It is not your fault, young man," said McGonagall, having suddenly appeared behind them again. "You are not yet old enough to smoke weed everyday, and as such cannot possibly contemplate the power of swag. Watch," she added, as the Dark Lord disintegrated and a faint voice said in the background, "MOM! GET THE CAMERA!" Probably just a first-year.
"Smoke weed everyday," added Ron, contemplatively. He was always the helpful one.