Hope you have as much fun reading this little ficlet as I did writing it! If I get at least a chuckle I have done my job! It's pure and utter trashyness (and largely OC mind you) but I think it's fun and if you hate it then whatever. Just move on with your life and try not to feel too bad about the 5 minutes it probably took you to read my story! Not going to lie, there are quite a lot of expletives being used courtesy of S-class criminals like Hidan so if that is not your thing you should just not bother reading...

Oh yeah and I don't own Naruto... duh!

"He is just too damn pretty, un!" Deidara was thinking murderously to himself as he glared at Itachi from the other side of the table. Pein had called a meeting that was now approaching it's fifth consecutive hour without so much as a bathroom break. Never mind that they were an entire band of S-class criminals who terrorized the world with their evil plans, even the sweetest old Grandmother would become a rampant bitch after having the endure one of these regularly scheduled torture sessions. As he was forced to sit in this horribly ugly room with a lot of horribly ugly people it just seemed obscene to Deidara that stupid Itachi with his stupid flawless skin and stupid dangerous eyes, would sit his stupid perfect self still without so much as a yawn for this entire amount of time. While the leader dragged on with his orders about who was to do what and how they were expected to do it Deidara took the opportunity to consider punishing the object of his hatred. Maybe he would blow something up... but then again it would just be so dreadfully predictable. He could poison Itachi's breakfast, or just throw in a few enemas, but somehow he knew that too would not be all that gratifying. "That jerk would probably just lose more weight and look even more perfect, un, no that would not do at all." and that's when it occurred to him, the nail polish remover under the bathroom sink...

Pein: Deidara did you hear what I just said? Are you even listening to me.

Hidan: Deidara was too busy playing with himself to listen to you leader-sama.

Kakuzu: Shut up Hidan, nobody asked you.

Deidara: Yeah, fuck you Hidan.

Hidan: Jashin dammit if I have to sit through one more minute of this boring shit I'll drive a pike right through my head.

Kakuzu: You're so fucking stupid. That you are somehow immortal is in itself evidence that there is no justice in the world.

Tobi: Come on guys, can't we all just get along?

Everyone: STFU TOBI!

And so the bickering and obscenities continued until at last there was the faintest sound. Somewhere between a hush and a grunt the sound was both demanding and quieting in the same way a lullaby quiets a screaming child at two in the morning. Everybody searched the room for the source of the sound until at last their eyes fell on the most reserved member of Akatsuki, Uchiha Itachi.

Itachi: It seems that the purpose of this meeting has been served. At this point I am leaving in preparation of my mission.

With that he stood up and left the room. Leader had not dismissed him, nor had Itachi asked permission. He simply left as if he had every right to leave and nobody opposed him, it was as simple as that. Rising awkwardly Kisame's ugly fuddy duddy self tagged along behind him. It was pathetic. The cool act of defiance had already been committed and now nobody would leave this room with the same grandiose pride as Itachi. Deidara fumed. "Oh yes, I will definitely get him for this, un."

As soon as everyone was officially released Deidara slipped into the hall of the lair towards his room; however, when, on the way, he passed the bathroom Deidara lingered. Slipping through the door, he glanced behind him once to be sure that nobody was aware of his excursion. Assured that the coast was clear he sauntered over to the vanity. It's not like hygiene was a huge thing in an organization like the Akatsuki but nevertheless in a basket stowed next to the surprisingly pristine shower (courtesy of Tobi) there lay a colorful arrangement of bottles containing various member's essentials. For example, there were at least 10 bottles of purple nail polish scattered about the container. Deidara's eyes settled on a particularly shiny and speckled bottle labeled "Men's Sleek and Shiny: for Volume and Shine". This belonged to none other than Itachi. Snatching it up Deidara also grabbed the nail polish remover from under the sink. Opening the cap and releasing the brain cell- killing fumes he tipped the contents into the hairspray and shook vigorously. For those of you who do not know, nail polish on human hair causes loss of color and may even cause the roots to fall out completely. This thought excited Deidara.

Deidara (quietly to himself): I always did find mixing chemicals to be a blast, un...

Just as he was screwing the cap back on to both bottles the handle of the door turned and in walked Konan wearing no more than a towel, oblivious that there was anybody else in the room. It therefore came as quite a shook to her when her eyes met Deidara's.

Konan: DEIDARA (she screamed clutching her towel closer to her chest) WHY CAN'T YOU MEN LEARN TO LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR?!

Deidara: (Still a little shocked) Well un, I was un... you could have knocked, un!

Konan: Can't a girl take a shower around here without worrying about walking in on men doing all sorts of ungodly things in the bathroom?!

Stopping a moment to assess what exactly it was she caught one of her fellow Akatsuki members doing this time she noticed the peculiarly guilty look on Deidara's face along with Itachi's hairspray in one hand and the nail polish remover in the other. Konan may not have had the most normal childhood but even she knew the sort of mean tricks girls played on each other. Deidara did after all resemble one of those slender catty figures. For a while they both stood perfectly still, unable to decide what should be done. However, within a short time Konan decided she had too much on her plate to worry about this bullshit.

Konan: Just get out of here.

Rising in a poised manner Deidara did as he was told and left while the getting was good.

The next morning everybody was eating silently at the table with the exception of Hidan who was loudly reciting his obnoxious rituals as if to be sure everyone could hear him. This was a typical meal at the Akatsuki hideout after all... except when an alarming silence suddenly permeated the atmosphere. Kisame's fork made an annoyingly loud clatter as it fell from his hand. Sasori who was generally apathetic to the other member's business dropped his jaw ever so slightly. Konan knew what was going on but was determined to keep her eyes on her plate. Deidara, in contrast, beamed with delight at his work. Itachi glided across the kitchen in a manner that seemed to suggest he was heedless of the large bleached circles around the crown of his head and the missing chunks of hair. Ever the most eloquent of the bunch Hidan was the first to speak.

Hidan: Jashin dammit Itachi, what the fuck happened to you?!

Turning from the sink Itachi looked over his shoulder nonchalantly.

Itachi: It appears to be most likely that somebody in this house poured nail polish remover into my hairspray. (He returned to scrubbing his chosen dish free of leftover debris). I can only guess this is the case given the smell and the obvious effects on my hair.

Tobi: Oh Itachi I am so sorry that this has happened. Don't worry, Tobi will fix your hair...

Deidara snorted in response. He just couldn't contain himself. Itachi snapped around suddenly.

Itachi: Would you like to say something to me Deidara.

Deidara: You look like shit man!

Itachi's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. Quietly he asked.

Itachi: Did you put nail polish remover in my hairspray Deidara?

Shrugging irreverently Deidara smirked.

Deidara: And so what if I did, un?

Kakuzu: Holy shit...

Itachi's face loosened. After silently fixing his breakfast he sat down and consumed his meal without so much as a glance in the direction of anyone at the table or another word to Deidara. Although his rival was as stoic as ever Deidara thought to himself, "he needs not say anything, I know Itachi is successfully pissed, un." When after a long and awkward period of speechlessness, Itachi finally left the room, Hidan leaned across the table.

Hidan:You're a fucking dead man. You know that right?

Deidara ignored him pointedly.

Sasori: I hope he does kill you. What you did was pretty fucked up, even for you Deidara.

Deidara flared in annoyance. How dare he be scolded for succeeding in doing what everyone secretly wanted to do.

Deidara: I'm not afraid of that pathetic fruit, un.

Kisame: You should be, really you should be...

The next day Deidara arose from a peaceful night's sleep feeling extra great. All night he had dreamed of his sweet revenge. Yawning he rolled out of bed and made his way casually to the bathroom. "What luck, un" he thought to himself, "there's nobody hogging the shower this morning." He ignored the nagging feeling that just a moment ago he thought he had seen the slightest movement in the reflection of the door knob. Humming a happy tune he stepped inside and made his way to the mirror. What a delight it would be the brush his lovely blond hair, free of the damage he had so beautifully inflicted on Itachi's follicles and... wait a minute... WHAT THE FUCK, UN! Deidara leaned closer in horror at the ghastly sight before him. There on his chin was... an extra chin... and his cheeks... they glowed red in their ginormous state of bloatedness... and his nose... it just had to be at least an inch longer than he remembered it being. Unconsciously he grabbed his hair in shock. This however exacerbated the alarm as when he did this, large clumps of blond strands slid down his wrists to the appalling floor. A scream was issued loud enough to be heard at least a mile away. Down the hallway a door slammed open and footsteps were heard stomping closer to the bathroom. Without bothering to knock Hidan threw the door open.

Hidan: "DAMMIT DEIDARA WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Hidan was not a happy camper when he did not get his "beauty sleep". To demonstrate his feelings he picked up the nearest object and threw it at the wall. Glass shattered magnificently and yet the mass of body that was Deidara did not so much as flinch. In fact he seemed to be standing very still in the middle of the room, his face pale and and blank as if the millions of nerves had just ceased working. Hidan entered and approached from behind.
Hidan: Deidara seriously what the hell is wrong-

Deidara (wide eyed and grasping Hidan's shoulders): LOOK AT ME! MY FACE IS... FAT! AND (He griped wildly at his hair) MY HAIR, IT'S FALLING OUT IN CHUNKS, UN!

He thrust is hands towards Hidan to show said extracts of hair but there was nothing in his hands.

Hidan: What are you talking about you look just as much of a pussy as you always do. Now get your fucking hands out of my face and calm down.

Deidara withdrew his shaking hands and peeked in the mirror. Now, half his hair was missing.

Deidara: How can you possibly not see these gaping bald patches (Hidan watched as Deidara manically pointed to spots that were voluminous in long, albeit messy, blond hair) or this disgusting roll of flab (he clawed at his skinny cheek as if there were piles of skin).

Clearly Deidara had completely lost it. Hidan began backing his way towards the door.

Hidan: I always knew you were a fucking psycho but this confirms it. You need help Deidara, serious professional help.

Deidara followed him growing more anxious with each step. He wasn't crazy, the proof was in the mirror, just as plain as day. You couldn't even tell the neck apart from the chin. Surely Hidan could remember that just yesterday Deidara had a perfectly sculpted body with nice abs and luscious locks of hair. He was after all the youngest and definitely best looking in the Akatsuki. He was practically a work of art equal to his explosive clay creations. Somehow the two equally flustered ninjas had stumbled into the hallway where the conversation was now a spectacle on display to the other house. Hidan now had a broom in his hand and was swatting at Deidara whose arms were flailing wildly.

Hidan: Get the away from me or I swear to Jashin I will make you my next ritual sacrifice you crazy cocksucker!

Deidara: But I'm not crazy, un! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!

Kisame observed in silence and slight amusement from a nearby couch. He knew exactly the sort of things his partner was capable of and he thought that, all things considered, Itachi was being rather lenient in his punishment of Deidara. After all, you just don't fuck with a sharingan user capable of distorting reality.

Kisame: Remind me to never get on your bad side.

Itachi's mouth curved just slightly. He would let Deidara live with these images for days.

Itachi: That's how I roll bitch.