The Pretend Girlfriend
"So you think I'll agree to pretend as your girlfriend just like that?" Neji and Tenten. In another cliché and cracked situation with a twist. "Then you've got another thing coming, jerkhead! You big BAKA!"
I've been gone for quite a while, ne? Did anyone miss me? (a chilly wind blows over sarafu-chan) Okaaay, I guess I'll take that as a big no.
Oh, lookie what I've got here! Another one of those NejiTen oneshots! Getting tired of them already? I hope not. Well, school's looming to come now that it's already June so I guess I'll have to write this now so the idea will stop pestering me and haunting my mind. And yes, characters are quite OOC. I just can't write a non-OOC NejiTen romance. Gosh, I'm so pathetic. But I still hope you'll enjoy this anyway.
DISCLAIMER: Poor highschool student plus ownership of one of the greatest animé series to date equals the glass slipper just doesn't fit.
WARNING: Extreme crack! Read at your own risk! Don't make me say "I told you so!"
"Well, well, well, look at what we have here…" Tenten haughtily crossed her arms over her chest, positively smirking. "The great Hyuuga Neji bowing down before ME, asking a favor for once and not some kind of order?"
Hyuuga Neji, age 19, and already one of the most respected ANBU captains in Konoha along with (-that bastard!) Uchiha Sasuke, gritted his teeth and replied calmly, "Yes, Tenten. I am ON MY KNEES begging you to pose as my girlfriend."
Tenten twirled her hair, looking quite thoughtful, "Gee, I don't know. Maybe I would agree if only a certain arrogant someone didn't insult my VITAL STATS right in front of the guy I like at my date in the Barbecue Restaurant!" Tenten spat out, jabbing a finger at the Hyuuga's chest.
"It's not my fault you're not model-material…" Neji muttered.
"What was that?" Tenten snapped, glaring threateningly.
"I said," Neji straightened up and turned to look at the weapon mistress. "that it was not me but our very naïve and innocent teammate Lee's error. He was the one who blurted out your vital stats. Why don't you go over to his house and lecture him instead?"
"It was not his fault, Hyuuga Neji!" Tenten found that using his full name had more of an effect. "I was just talking to the guy I liked, and then all of a sudden you give him your patented Hyuuga Glare of Doom and scare him to death!" She turned fiercely red, absolutely fuming. "Then after that you go and tell him something so… so… So personal!"
"It was Lee's fault." Neji insisted, unaware that his life span had just decreased for about 10 years or so.
"No, it was not!" The bun-haired girl replied heatedly. "It was your fault! YOURS!"
"Why are you guys here?" It was the first sentence that came out of Tenten's mouth when she saw her two teammates on the restaurant where she and her date are eating.
"Oh precious flower of our youthful team!" Lee cried out, clutching his heart. "We were terribly shocked when we heard from the cherryblossom princess Sakura-chan that you would be on a date. And so, as your concerned and protective teammates, we are here to make sure that you don't end up with one of the weeds in this treacherous field full of thorns!"
"Treacherous what?" Tenten's date asked, confused.
"Pay them no mind, Shou-kun," Tenten rolled her eyes, squeezing her date's shoulder. "They're just- Neji!" She almost jumped ten feet high when she saw her teammate giving Shou THE Evil Eye. "You jerk, turn that damn Byakugan of yours off! You're scaring away my date!"
"Is that so?" The Jyuuken-user certainly looks like he's enjoying himself.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, Shou-kun…" Tenten bowed her head, apologizing profusely. I didn't know that they were going to show up. I really had no idea. I ruined our date…"
"Tenten, it's alright. Let's just go somewhere else." Shou assured, smiling at Tenten as they turned to go.
"You." Neji suddenly called out to Tenten's date.
The guy named Shou turned around. "Huh? Me?"
The Hyuuga genius nodded. "Yes, you."
"Yes, it's me."
Neji smirked. "Are you aware that you're dating a kunoichi?"
Shou scratched his head. "Well… yes."
"Then do you know that she's the weapon mistress of Konoha?" When the date only stared at Neji blankly, he continued, "She's my teammate and my sparring partner, so I know her very well. Do you know of her addiction with weapons?"
"No, not really." Shou answered, glancing briefly at a shocked (-and that's still an understatement!) Tenten. "What about this… addiction?"
"If I must tell you, she's obsessed with deadly weapons, especially the sharp and pointy ones. Why, I would not be surprised if in your next date, she will go and prattle on about her favorite weapons… Maybe that katana she just bought just last week?"
Shou gulped. "K-Katana?"
Tenten then decided to step in front of Shou and deal with Neji herself. "Neji! What do you think are you doing?" She said angrily.
"Giving your date some vital information about what he's dealing with," Neji answered promptly. "Just so that he will be prepared whenever you have your mood swings whenever you PMS."
"M-Mood swings?" Shou repeated, sweating.
"Oh, and speaking about vital stats, do you know hers?" Neji threw a look at Tenten's date as Tenten's jaw dropped.
"OH! I know! I heard it from one of Sakura-san and Ino-san's talks!" Lee gleefully exclaimed from the background, waving a hand. "81-55-80!"
Tenten felt like gagging at the uncalled for declaration of her, ehem, 3-sizes. In fact, she did.
Mr. Shou AKA Tenten's date only looked around nervously. "Erm, Tenten?" He coughed, looking at the kunoichi. "I'm sorry but look at the time. I REALLY got to go." With that, he bolted towards the exit, adding, "See you soon! Bye!"
Being the Denial King that he is, Neji shook his head like a model in a shampoo commercial. "If I must be blamed, then I shall have to share it with Lee." He then swiftly ducked when various kunais came flying towards him, threatening to cut his head off.
"Neji no baka!" Tenten shouted, throwing some more weapons in the air. "You idiot! You jerk! You… You pompous jackass! Ooh, wait till I-"
"Tenten! Get a hold of yourself!" Neji exclaimed, using his Kaiten to shield himself. Seriously, the girl needs anger management classes. Or maybe she's PMSing? (Hmm… How is Neji to know? Hiashi never gave him "The Talk." Or anything involving the birds and the bees…)
"I don't want to get mixed up with the stupid lovelife of the great Hyuuga Neji!" Tenten said, hurling some shurikens this time. "The great king of stupidity that is!"
"Please Tenten! Stop this nonsense!" Neji then hid behind a tree to avoid being impaled by the irate Weapon Mistress.
"And besides," Tenten stopped for a minute, readying another great tornado of weapons to launch at the Hyuuga. "Who'd want to get involved with the Hyuuga Clan anyway? Certainly not me!"
Upon hearing the word "Hyuuga," Neji stopped in his tracks. "Wait… How did the Hyuugas get involved here?"
Tenten rolled her eyes. "It's obvious. From my knowledge of overused cliché situations in fics and movies, the guy is rich and with an attitude problem. Then, from all the pressure he gets from his family, he becomes obliged to get a girlfriend so that his family would not make him marry some bitchy girl he doesn't know with an even more attitude problem than himself. So to get out of his predicament, the guy gets a poor and innocent girl he just met to pretend as his girlfriend by paying her with money or having an agreement. The plan backfires and they both end up falling for each other in the end."
Neji just stared perplexedly, not really getting the point.
"Of course, before they realize they are falling for each other, they have to endure countless trials, involving but not limited to ex-girlfriends and boyfriends trying to break them apart, a crazy family not agreeing with their relationship and of course, a certain plot that involves the rich guy's company falling apart." Tenten was gazing dreamingly into the distance, making Neji question her sanity.
"I'm guessing that behind that tomboy façade lies a real soap opera fanatic." Neji commented daringly when Tenten got back into earth again.
"Nope, it's just the crazy authoress making me say all of that." Tenten shrugged as Neji nodded in understanding.
"And the Hyuugas…"
"They were demanding you to get a wife because Hinata-chan declined the position of being the Head. Hiashi-sama decided that since the tradition of the eldest child taking over the clan has already been broken, why not let the most powerful Hyuuga of this generation take over already? It'll certainly be much easier and it'll be the only way for your uncle to repay his debts to your father…" She stopped when she saw Neji frowning wryly at her. "I'm right… right?"
"Wrong," Neji replied without any hesitations. He cleared his throat and spoke, "I want you to pose as my girlfriend because I have a crazy stalker that's always following me around. So I want to throw her off by saying that I already have a girlfriend. That way, she'll have no reason to follow me anymore."
(Believe it or not, crickets chirped in the background after the above scene...
Seriously!)
"Well," Tenten said after a few minutes of silence, looking embarrassed and her cheeks flushing. "I guess that's a much easier way of reasoning…"
"So you'll pretend to be my girlfriend now?" asked Neji.
Tenten's embarrassed expression suddenly turned into "Really Pissed Mode to the Nth Power™" "No way in hell! Die, Hyuuga Neji!"
After almost killing Neji (-and not the other way around!), Tenten decided to call it a day and resume her Neji Killing Spree tomorrow. She looked at the star-covered black blanket also known as the night sky. She smiled, walking down the lamp-post lighted streets of Konoha. I sure showed him! Next time, I'll kick your ass even more, Neji!
"So you're the famous weapon mistress of Konoha…"
Tenten blinked, whirling around to see whose voice that was. "Who's that?"
A woman then stepped out from the shadows, arms folded, her eyes twinkling mischievously. "Tenten, right?"
"Y-Yeah…" answered Tenten, obviously confused.
"Then," The woman walked towards her, a lopsided smile on her lips. "you're the bitch trying to steal Neji-kins from me!" After that, she slapped Tenten, much to the brown-haired girl's surprise. "Take that!"
"Hey, what was that for?" Tenten demanded angrily, a hand on the cheek where the mysterious girl slapped her.
"Oh, I'm sorry… Did I just hurt you?" The woman fluttered her eyelashes, feigning innocence. "Here, let me help you…" She then clutched one of Tenten's buns and pulled it hard.
"Ow!" Tenten instantly backed away from the crazy woman. Her hands were itching to get some kunais to impale the (BITCH!) woman but she knew that it is against a ninja's code of ethics to attack a civilian. "Who are you anyway?"
"Ohohoho!" The woman was now waving a fan, laughing in a weak attempt to imitate Megumi of Rurouni Kenshin fame. "Who am I? Why, I'm only the beautiful and great Hyuuga Aine, Neji's future bride!"
Tenten sweatdropped at the corny factor. "Sooo… Your surname's Hyuuga?"
"No, but it soon will be!" Aine said in the smuggest voice Tenten has ever heard (-yes, even smugger than Uchiha Sasuke's and Hyuuga Neji's! That's not even possible! How did she do it?).
"Okay then…" Deadpanned Tenten when all she wants to do is get home already and distance herself from this insane woman.
"But my ambitions of Neji fathering my future children will only happen when I get rid of a certain pest!" Aine then pointed a finger accusingly at the shocked bun-haired girl. "And that pest is you! YOU! YOU! YOU!"
"M-Me?" Tenten asked, pointing to herself.
"That's right Tenten…er…" Aine then trailed off.
"I don't have a surname." Tenten supplied helpfully. "I think that it's one of Kishimoto-san's plots so that someone will give me his name. Besides, I'm his most favorite girl when it comes to character design after all. Some fans claim that it'll be Neji but I don't- WHOA! "
At an instant, Aine flew over to where Tenten was, claws suddenly appearing and fangs replacing her teeth. "DIE!"
But since Tenten is an accomplished kunoichi, she used the Kawarimi jutsu so in all actuality, it's just a log that Aine smacked. Poor log…
(Everyone, here's the part where we should pray for the safety of the innocent log who had just been chopped into a million pieces by Miss Aine using her demonly claws and fangs. May its soul rest in peace…
……
……
……
We're now back to our regular program.)
"Die! Die! Die! I'm the only girl Neji will give his surname!" Aine shouted out, oblivious that the real Tenten already ran away, desperately trying to get far, far, FAR away from her.
This woman's gone mad!
"So you've met her already?" Neji raised an eyebrow while sipping his energy drink.
"Yeah," Tenten answered, sighing. "And let me tell you, she's the craziest, most insane person I know. She could give Naruto a run for his money by replacing him as the No. 1 Loudmouth of Konoha…"
Neji nodded knowingly. "She is… obsessed with me."
"Don't you think I know that? Man, she talks about you nonstop!" Tenten then eyed Neji wryly. He still looked passive. Hinata-chan must've given him some ointment… What a lucky bastard. Next time we spar, I'll make sure that even Sakura cannot heal him!
"Well then, now that you know what she is really like, would you so kindly help me get out of this predicament now?" Neji requested, sliding his hands in his pockets.
"No way!" The Weapon Mistress stuck her tongue out.
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"Be-Because… Because I do not want to see that woman's repulsive face again!" Neji sputtered, his face redder than what Tenten could've ever imagined.
She sniffed, purposely ignoring Neji. "Well sooooorry! It's not my fault karma's out to get you!"
Making the white-eyed boy slap his forehead. "How many times do I have to tell you that there's no such thing as karma?"
"And this is coming from the guy who was all 'destiny controls us, there's no way we can fight it' before?" deadpanned Tenten.
Neji shot her "The Look™"
"Look, Neji. As much as I sympathize with you, I just can't okay?" Tenten said a little bit irritably, brushing a strand of her hair off her face. When she saw Neji's "The Look™" intensifying, she added, "I mean, come on! This is the only way I can get back at you for embarrassing me."
"Is revenge more important for you?" Neji asked, suddenly wearing a pink wig.
Tenten nodded without a word, turning her back on Neji.
"Then," Neji cried out behind her. "at least take me with you, Tenten-kun! I'll do anything to make you forgive me! If you want me to cut my hair, I'll do it too! Just don't hold a grudge against me forever!"
"Your hair, eh?" Tenten said, getting interested.
"I'll cut my hair now!" Neji noticed Tenten's getting interested and picked up a kunai. He then cut his beautiful black hair, in slow-mo of course. "There I did it!
Tenten smiled. "Very good, you are forgiven."
"Really?" Neji asked, a little too suspiciously.
The Weapon Mistress blinked and her mind drifted back to reality. (Yes, folks. The whole thing starting from Neji asking Tenten if revenge was more important was just a product of a certain Pisces's imagination. Oh well…)
"You were dreaming again, weren't you?" Neji asked, snorting slightly. "What is it this time? Me falling in a croc-infested swamp? Getting hit by lightning? Or dying because I hit a tofu?" (see AN)
"I was not daydreaming!" Tenten was totally red now.
Suddenly, something came flying out from the bushes and squeezed Neji. "AACK!"
"Neji-kins!" It was, as expected, Miss Aine. "I knew I would find you here! Oh, I miss you to death already!" I hope you will die already, thought Neji as Aine attempted to kiss him.
"And you say your Byakugan sees everything," Tenten said, watching the entire scene disdainfully. "Not!"
Almost at the speed of light, Aine dropped Neji on the ground forcefully. "You again? I thought I killed you already! No biatch will steal Neji from me! He's mine… All mine!" Darkness surrounded her. "Mwahahahahaha!"
"Neji is not yours. He's not anyone's." Defended Tenten before she could stop herself.
"What did you say, ugly mouse?" Aine emphasized every word, even placing her hands on her hips. "Don't tell me you're jealous! Don't worry, daaarling, I'll make sure I'll invite you to our wedding. And if you're lucky, you might catch the bouquet and find a low-class man worthy of you." Aine then turned her nose up, smirking wickedly.
"A wedding won't happen anytime soon!" Tenten felt like grabbing her scrolls and going all out on this crazy woman. Who knows? She might make a good pincushion.
"Jealous much?" Aine's smirk grew… uglier.
"I am not jealous! I am only saying this because… because… Because Neji is my boyfriend!" Realizing what she had just said, her hand flew over her mouth. She looked at Neji and for a short moment, their eyes met.
"Yes, that's right," Neji stood up, playing along. "Tenten is my girlfriend. We have been steady for months; we're just keeping it a secret. I'm sorry Aine for building up false hopes."
"So he's off-limits now." Tenten stated, walking over to Neji.
Aine looked ready to throw a colossal fit. Steam was practically coming out of her nose and ears, signaling a violent eruption that is prepared to happen soon. But what Neji and Tenten didn't expect was Aine inhaling and exhaling calmly, counting 1 to 10.
I don't like this… Neji and Tenten simultaneously thought.
"Well then," Aine smiled an obviously forced smile. "if you guys are really boyfriend and girlfriend then I'll have to stay away from Neji-kins. However, before I give up on my darling Neji-kins, you must show me a proof beyond sensible doubt that you guys do have something going on."
Don't tell me…! Neji and Tenten's eyes widened, realizing where this is going.
"Why don't you kiss each other in front of me?" Aine challenged, confirming Neji and Tenten's fears in horror.
Oh crap.
"W-Well…" Neji loosened his collar, sweating. "We happen to value our privacy. We can't just kiss in public. That will be too embarrassing. I hope you don't mind, Aine."
"Oh, I do mind." Aine's eyes were twinkling.
"Isn't there any other way to, uhm, show you how much we care for our each other and express our undying love?" Upon saying that, Tenten became conscious of the fact that she just became exposed to the Gai-fever.
"Unfortunately, there's no other way," Aine said, her voice sickenly sweet. "If you don't kiss now, then that means that you guys are just pretending." Victory came into Aine's mind when she saw the darkening looks Tenten and Neji were wearing.
"Then let's do this." Neji suddenly declared after a few moments of silence. Without warning, he grabbed Tenten and dipped her, lowering his face and capturing her mouth to claim as his.
Aine watched, eyes bulging and her jaw reaching the core of the Earth, as the kiss lasted for a full minute.
"I… I… I… GAAAAGH!" Aine ran away, knocking down a few trees that may lead to the ultimate deforestation of Konoha. (-hmm, if there will be no trees in Konoha then that means there will be no leaves so does that mean that Konoha will have to change its name to "The Village of Leaves" to "The Village of No Leaves?")
"Well that's the end of that." Neji looked self-satisfied.
Tenten turned to Neji, her face sporting all the wonderful shades of red. "N-Neji! Why… Argh! I can't believe you did that! Why did you-"
"You didn't stop me," Neji pointed out. "And that is why you shouldn't complain." He smirked at the furious bun-haired girl.
"I hate you." Tenten finally said, though it came out halfhearted.
"So now that we already had our first official kiss, are you ready to be my official girlfriend?"
Tenten looked up, blinking. "Huh?"
"This time, I'm serious." Neji was actually smiling, bending down on one knee. "I like you, Tenten. Will you be my girlfriend?"
Well guys, what do you think will Tenten's answer be? There should be a happy ending like Cinderella's! Obviously, the answer is…
"I'll think about it." Tenten answered, though she knows what her definite answer will be. It's something along the lines of…
Hell yeah!
Somewhere…
"Stupid Neji, stupid mouse… I hate the world!" Aine was crying waterfalls, tearing down some more trees and knocking out the ANBUs in charge of protecting Konoha's natural resources. "It's already been 3 months and they're already engaged! Ooh, when I see them again I'm going to…"
"Oh fair lady, who are thou and why are thee crying?"
Aine turned around and saw Rock Lee, Taijutsu Master Extraordinaire, his teeth shining and a sparkly background behind him.
"Please tell me, beautiful Miss, the reason of your distress and why you are crying such tears," Lee said in his best gentlemanly voice. "I implore you! Please stop crying and smile a radiant smile that will brighten up the world!"
"What… nice words…" Aine smiled, touched. "That's it! You're my official boyfriend!" She ran towards Lee and bear-hugged him.
"Hey! Miss, wait…!" Lee was shocked. He didn't expect this. Oh, what will his dear Sakura say when she find out?
And the story of how Lee will overcome this tribulation and go through the monster that goes by the name of Aine will be for another story for another day…
A/N:
That's it! Told ya it was cracked… XD
But anyways, it was so much fun writing this so I hope you guys had fun too! I know that it's nothing compared to other fics out there but I still hope you liked it. As you can see, there is a scene with a SasuSaku parody. I hope no SasuSaku fan will flame me. I absolutely love SasuSaku too you guys!
By the way, in the part where Neji asked if Tenten was dreaming of him getting hit by a tofu, this actually came from a Japanese saying. The joke is, if you die because you hit a tofu, you must be really stupid or physically-challenged because nobody can die by hitting something as soft as a tofu! Get it?
Review people! It's the only thing that'll make me happy now that school is starting again. I'm not asking for food, money or Sony PSP! Just some reviews! LOL!
And one more thing…
Please review!
Thank you in advance! MWAH!