Author's Note by BKE: This was the fastest we have ever produced one of these and still maintained the Quality level.
TECH WORKAROUND: I got around the issue of not being able to upload by using a doc that was already in, erasing the old contents and pasting the new contents of the file into it. If you're having the upload issue, it will help.
Disclaimer: Tanigawa is the owner of these people, not us.
MMORPG'S AND CHAINSAWS
A Superstarultra & BKE production
Itsuki was riding the morning train to school, and he was tired from a long night of secretly attending his Pokemon DS online tournaments. He had been up all night assembling the best team ever to beat his DS buddies.
He wasn't even sure how many Pokemon he had anymore, or how many trainers he had beaten, but he knew he was the very best.
Suddenly, his phone rang in his pocket. He picked up the headset. "Hello?"
"Hello, Koizumi..." said a feminine voice that he clearly recognized. "How was your night? Raising that level 67 Salamence all right?"
"Ah Mikuru, you really know your way with flying types." He mused to her.
"It would be really embarrassing if Kyon and the others found out about our secret Pokemon addiction," the time-traveler mused to herself and Itsuki, calling from her spot in the clubroom.
In the clubroom Haruhi was doing something else: She was with a party of night elves in World of Warcraft, going through a dungeon. Every once in a while, the sound of LEEROY JENKINS popped out of her audio set. Kyon was sitting with a TV and a copy of halo 3, using the spartan laser. Yuki was playing of all things, a game known as Maple Story.
"Ah! Nothing like owning a bunch of nooby mages with night elves! Much better than dumb ol' Spartans and goofy pastel heroes!" Haruhi chuckled from her seat. Kyon and Yuki just happened at that EXACT moment to look up from their shoot-outs and grinding to hear that remark. Their eyes narrowed into venomous slits.
As Haruhi's party was about to enter battle with a boss, she had readied her self, staring intensely at the screen. It was RED, it was WHITE, it was ORANGE and it was...BLACK, "-hey wait what the hell happened?"
Kyon gave a toothy grin at Yuki, who had just cast an incantation to give Haruhi the RAINBOW-SCREEN OF DEATH. She went back to playing. Haruhi saw that thumbs-up Yuki had given Kyon as well as his grin. She launched herself out of her chair and...
...started to run around like the boy in the biggest freakout ever, throwing such a huge fit that Yuki and Mikuru judged it best to run with their DS and Laptops. Kyon, on account of being a 360 gamer, fared less well as Haruhi managed to unplug his console and smash it. This prompted him to throw her PC out the window onto the head of a particular poor chap...
"Son of a bitch!" snarled Taniguchi. He clutched his nasty bruise and cut on the right side of his head and frowned darkly. No more would he take anymore of the SOS Brigade's crap! He ran off looking for something metallic and pointy to use.......... for stuff. Meanwhile, Itsuki had arrived.
He saw the angry boy and wondered, "Just what happened to make him so upset?" He looked up and discovered the unthinkable: All sorts of things were now being thrown out the clubroom window. "OH CRAP...."
"Take this!" yelled Kyon, flinging Haruhi and Mikuru's bunny girl outfits out the window. Haruhi gritted her teeth savagely and responded by throwing Kyon's math homework out the window. Kyon didn't take too kindly to that so he grabbed the frog head of Mikuru's frog cosplay and jammed it onto Haruhi's head.
"THIS IS FOR HAVING US WORK FOR THIS!" Kyon screamed. Haruhi managed merely to run in circles before falling backwards through the window. Itsuki saw this and ran to try and catch her...
He successfully did. But when I say 'successfully did', I mean her skirt-clad butt slammed right into Itsuki's face. The tasty schoolgirl backside knocked him flat on his back, and Haruhi herself landed on Itsuki's chest and smashed her head right onto the ground. The frog head managed to soften the blow from becoming fatal, though. Yuki and Mikuru watched this unfold with stunned faces.
They did the smart thing and ran their butts downstairs to help her. Kyon looked down with an expression revealing his displeasure at having Haruhi land ass-first on Itsuki. As for Itsuki and Haruhi, well, they'd be out for a while.
At that very moment, Taniguchi came backing whistling his trademark tune. Kyon looked to the side and saw him, not caring much at first. That was until he saw the chainsaw slowly revving up in the ladies man's hands.
"GUYS RUN!" He yelled down to Mikuru and Yuki. They grabbed Itsuki and ran away. Haruhi stood up and found that Taniguchi had chopped a hole into the Frog hat, revealing her stunned expression to his heaving, seething face.
"Uh... Heya, Taniguchi! What's going on?" Haruhi asked shakily, growing more fearful at the way he was insanely grinning at her.
"Haruhi Suzumiya, your time has come...." The chainsaw revved in his hand and he lifted it high above her, "AND SO HAS MINE!!!"
"That sounds great, but..... GOTTA RUN!!!" Haruhi made a complete 360 turn or so, and rand off, leaving speed-lines behind her. Taniguchi cackled maniacally and chased her.
The whole group ran as as fast as they could, having no idea whether Haruhi was safe. "I think we're fine." said Itsuki. Kyon looked back and saw..."Hey, Haruhi has made it, and..." Taniguchi was chasing close behind. She was screaming at the top of her lungs.
"I must save Miss Suzumiya!" Itsuki proclaimed. "And I don't want any of you to stop me!" There was silence for about five seconds (well, maybe not complete silence- Haruhi was still screaming as Taniguchi chased her).
"-HOHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" She bellowed constantly. Taniguchi looked both happy and determined, a combo that equaled certain death for a certain someone. Itsuki ran toward them and attempted the flying kick at Taniguchi.
Taniguchi saw the kick coming and held up the chainsaw to block it, hoping that it would both protect him and impale Itsuki. Unfortunately for both boys, Itsuki mistimed his kick, and Taniguchi realized holding a chainsaw at an angle while running is not good for balance. The player tripped and fell forward with his chainsaw tumbling out of his grasp on the ground, and the esper flew right into some bushes.
As the chainsaw skidded on the gravel, Taniguchi's jaw shattered as it contacted a line of cement. Itsuki managed to slowly get up and realized something serious was afoot with the bush...
"Huh? Wuzzat? Who's that?" said a hazy Tsuruya, getting up from under Itsuki's torso. The organization youth blinked wildly. This wasn't the normal Tsuruya he knew and enjoyed hanging out with. She had twigs and leaves in her hair, her uniform had multiple stains on it of some foreign substance, and she smelled like rotten eggs and pool-cleaner. A piece of cheese dangled from her left hand. There was even a Gears of War handbook.
"Why'd you have to wake me up?" She said. As Itsuki inspected closer, it appeared that there was a number of cooking utensils, a sleeping bag, her backpack and some papers, and a large trash bag. Itsuki felt like asking her a question as to why she was in a bush.(Super, what was your plan with this one?)
"I was going to attend the Home Economics club, nyoro.... I waited all after school so I could sign up to join... I guess I fell asleep out here.... I hads the best recipe for smoked-cheese ever! It was kinda thick, so I had to bring a chai-" Tsuruya's eyes fell upon the passed out Taniguchi, the terrified SOS, and her chainsaw.
Taniguchi started to awaken. He slowly moved as if in a daze. It was here when Taniguchi's mouth started bleeding like crazy, "....aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" He started to panic as teeth started to fall out of his mouth and a portion of his jaw that showed through his skin was cracked.
"Look, Miss Suzumiya. A night elf," Yuki said plainly. As the easily duped tsundere looked about, Yuki snapped her fingers, instantly healing Taniguchi's injuries and erasing his memories from the past four minutes. She didn't need him flying into a broken jaw-induced rage. Tsuruya had grabbed her chainsaw to inspect it.
"Huh, its damaged now, nyoro~..." She looked at the bunch of them who had started to stare at her as they slowly realized that their senpai had brought a chainsaw to school and was sleeping in the bushes. Kyon felt like asking but then decided, "Aw screw it, lets just clean up the mess."
They all went to do some damage control. Taniguchi looked around and decided to go home to do a little light reading, as in Penthouse. Tsuruya ran off to go sign up for her class, chainsaw still in hand. Itsuki, however, sauntered right up to Haruhi like a knight from one of those old cartoons.
"Haruhi, I saved your life, now i ask for my just rewards." Haruhi stared at him as if he said he was a hobbit and said he had to go to Mordor, "What the hell, Koizumi? What in gods name has gotten into you?" She yelled at him to help the peon(Kyon) clean the mess. He walked like a dog with his tail between his legs. Kyon asked quietly, "What did you think you'd get out of her?"
"I thought I'd get to see that ass up close again," Itsuki grinned toothily. Kyon's jaw dropped and he face palmed. Yuki and Mikuru heard this and began to giggle somewhat.
\"Well, hmm, OK." Kyon never thought that Itsuki was that kind of guy, but then again, this was Itsuki we've been talking about. And the subject is Haruhi.
Itsuki shrugged and delivered a charming smile just as Haruhi came right past him with some cleaning supplies. "Hey. Some guys are boob-men. others are leg-men. I, however, am an ass-man."
THE END
Epilogue:
Itsuki walked up to Haruhi with something in his hand. Haruhi asks, "Hey, what game is that?"
"It's a little game of mine that I like to call Twister..." Itsuki smiled.
"Heh, I was thinking you say Pokemon or something." Thus revealing to him that she may have known of his obsession all along. In fact, maybe she inspired it to begin with.