This is something my friend Conrad wrote. At first I wasn't going to put this up because I didn't want to be spammed by fanbrats, but I figured, 'What the heck? I have too much freetime anyway.'
Now, Nero is a demon hunter from the video game Devil May Cry, he has demon-blasting pistol, and that's basically all I know about him. XP Here's a pic of him: http://www. unlimitedgamer. net/wp-content/uploads/2006/09/devil-may-cry-4-art-nero-02. jpg. Delete the spaces, yadda yadda.
Bold is the author, bold italics is some random twilight fanbrat.
Nero chased the demon down the hallway. It was a small one, only the size of a person, but it was fast. It feinted to the left, and Nero slid to a halt. He raised his trusty demon-blasting gun and fired. The demon took a halting step and collapsed.
Mission accomplished.
Nero turned to leave, when the sounds of lip-mashing reached his ears. This struck him as odd, since this was not a likely place for romance. He slipped down a side passage, and the sounds grew louder. It was actually quite gruesome. Finally, as he entered a room, and the sounds became deafening. There was a pair of young emos in the corner that was causing all the ruckus. He cocked his trusty demon pistol and readied it. Where there was one demon, there could be more.
The pair finally realized Nero had entered the room and lifted their heads. The girl was thin, painfully thin, and had dark hair. The man was far more alarming, being unearthly pale and having yellow eyes. Nero aimed his pistol in the Weaver's Stance, directly at the man's head.
"Who are you?" he asked sharply. "What's up with your eyes?"
"I'll ask the questions here." The man had an ominously deep and aggressive voice, yet it had a faintly musical quality. "Who are you? And why are you pointing that pistol at me?"
Nero never wavered. "I am a trained professional demon hunter. I am here for a client who complained about a demon infestation. You are here, near the core of the demons, and are thus of moderate suspicion. I don't like to kill civilians by accident." His voice was deadly calm.
"I am Edward and I am a vampire! I dye my hair black and cut myself on purpose."
Nero fired his pistol.
"Ow! That hurts!" Edward clutched his chest where the bullet had hit. The girl cried out and went to his side. "What the hell is in this bullet?"
Nero was surprised this demon hadn't immediately collapsed. He reloaded his pistol. "It's a demon-killing bullet. I'm frankly surprised you're not dead."
Edward was looking rather cross. "I'm a vampire, not a demon!"
The gallant demon hunter remembered what a vampire was.
He put another bullet in Edward's chest.
"Ow! Gad, that hurts!" Edward cursed. "Don't you get it that I'm not a demon?"
"Vampires are undead. You can't feel pain."
"Like hell I can!" Edward said prissily. "Otherwise, how would I get a thrill from cutting myself?" He promptly produced a scalpel from his sleeve and began slicing his wrist. "Oh, yeah. That feels reeeeal good." He sheathed the scalpel, but no blood ran from the wound.
"Wait, when did you start cutting yourself?" the girl asked. Her voice was soft and quiet, like velvet.
"Oh, I started after we broke up. I haven't done it as much now that we're back together, but it's hard to quit, ya know?"
The girl's eyes began to well with tears. "Oh, Edward--!"
Nero shot him again.
"Agh! Stop that!" Edward called.
"Emos disgust me!" Nero spat.
"You're pretty gothic, yourself," the girl said.
Nero flinched. "It's dramatic! And I don't cut myself for kicks."
Edward called, "Yeah, you do!"
Nero shot him again, in the head this time. Edward laughed.
"Ha ha! The only thing that can kill a vampire is a fire!" he chortled.
Nero grimly walked over to where Edward was lying on the ground.
"Hey, what are you-"
He placed his gun directly on Edward's chest and pulled the trigger.
Edward died.
no, he didn't!
Who are you?
i'm a twilight fan!!!
*Blam!*
Now you can be a vampire too.
Back to the scheduled program…
Nero blew the smoke off the barrel of his gun. "Another one bites the dust!"
The girl gasped. "You bastard! You killed Edward!" Tears began to stream down her face. And even as she spoke, the late Edward crumbled to dust, and his ashes blew away through the open window.
"AAGH!" The girl screamed. "He was alive! And now he's all cremated!"
Nero shook his head. "No, he was undead. The undead are people who are brought back from the dead. He was never alive when you knew him."
"But he was breathing!" she yelled, crying even more. "And he made me pregnant!"
Nero stared. "He made you WHAT??!" He coughed and regained his composure. "Er, I mean, he what?"
"It's complicated. How did you kill him?" she asked angrily, wiping at her eyes.
"I already told you... oh, never mind. Guns need a spark, and sparks start a fire, right? With the gun pressed right against Edward's chest, the bullet would go right through his skin, and the fire from the spark would be close enough to his flammable body to set the rest of him on fire. Violá, Edward's corpse."
"I lost you halfway through."
"It's okay, that was for the readers."
The girl shrugged. "My name's Bella. I like bitching about every other thing. Edward was my boyfriend until recently..." She gave Nero a meaningful look.
Nero shifted uncomfortably. "What, do you want me to ask you out?"
"NO! I mean, no. An ugly human like you I could find anywhere. I need a mythical creature..."
"Well, I didn't exactly want to date you either, Ms. 'I like bitching about every other thing.'"
"Oh, well, I guess I can go screw Jacob instead. He's pretty hot."
Nero gaped. "Is this some kind of love triangle?!"
Bella shook her head. "Nah, everyone just thinks I'm so hot they have to get with me."
"But you're so bitchy all the time."
"So are you."
Nero shot her.
"Better to keep those people off the streets," he mused.
THE END
WASN'T THAT SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL?!