Howdy. This is DJ's backstory. It'll be multi-chapter, with humour, action, and best of all, no romance! So sit back, grab a coke, snort some coke, and find out exactly what led Desmond Jazed to Happy Tree Town.

"Oceanic flight 815 from Manchester, England to Los Angeles, California, now boarding. Final call for Oceanic flight 815 from Manchester, England to Los Angeles, California…"

Desmond Jazed, or DJ as he preferred, looked up from his Stephen King novel at the recent announcement and grabbed his bag. He approached the clerk at the flight-check-in-counter-thingy, a yellow chipmunk with WAAAY too much make-up on, and handed her his ticket.

"Bit young to be travelling by yourself." The chipmunk observed whilst checking DJ's ticket.

"Bit young to look like a whore." DJ retorted, causing the chipmunk to widen her eyes in surprise. Every other employee in the vicinity cracked up laughing while DJ boarded the plane and headed to his seat, first class obviously. He did up his seat belt and started reading a brochure, entitled Happy Tree Town – Screw the sky, there is no limit!

Meanwhile, in Happy Tree Town, several townsfolk watched Handy in work. Flippy, having just arrived at the scene, watched Handy hammer in a nail with his teeth.

"Need some help up there?"

"NO (bang) THANK (bang) YOU (bang)" Handy grunted between each hit.

"Of course not, you're 'Handy-Capable'…" Cuddles muttered.

"What's he building?" Flippy asked, watching Handy work harder than usual.

"He mentioned something about being paid a truckload of cash to build a mansion, and then he ran off singing." Giggles explained.

"Singing? Handy, SINGING?!?" Flippy cried. "He never sings! He just… Grumbles."

"I know, it's just… Not like him." Flaky said, and they all watched Handy work and sing at the same time.

"This is your pilot speaking, Oceanic flight 815 now leaving the Terminal-"

"Frank, we left the Terminal 20 minutes ago."

"Oh… Than where the hell are we?"

"Uh… By the looks of it, I'd say we're just over… Russia."

Silence followed this latest piece of news, until-

"Shit, wrong f***ing way."

DJ laughed while the pilots made dicks of themselves, and a flight attendant quickly hurried to the cabin with a map in hand.

"Great." Flippy sighed. "More bloody Fangirls. As if I don't have enough stalkers."

"You could always loan some to me, you know." Disco piped up. "Disco's lonely."

"Maybe it'll be a Fanboy?" Petunia chimed in.

"God, I hope not." Giggles sighed. "I don't know what's worse, Fangirls or Fanboys."

"Fanboys. Defiantly Fanboys." Cuddles said.

"What makes you say that?"

"They insist on being on top."

Everyone paused as Cuddles words sank in. At exactly the same time they shuddered as they got the true meaning. Cub clapped happily.

"I know where I'm going, Paul."

"The hell you do! Just stop and ask for directions!"

"NO!"

"Watch where you're going!"

"I am!"

"At least put down the beer."

"NO! MINE BEER! MINE PRECIOUS!"

DJ vowed never to fly Oceanic again, then reconsidered once he heard a bottle smash in the cockpit.

"Well, whose it gonna be this time?" Petunia asked.

"Whose what gonna be?"

"You know the process of these OCs. They arrive, make friends, die, make enemies, die, sleep with one of us, etc, etc."

"I bet its Flippy." Cuddles snickered. Flippy politely gave him the finger.

"C'mon, everyone wants Flippy."

"Why is Flippy so friggin popular? What about me?" Toothy moaned.

"Toothy, for starters, you have that huge f***ing gap between your teeth. Secondly, you have virtually no personality." Sniffles explained, much to the chagrin of Toothy.

"SCREW YOU!" Toothy screamed, giving Sniffles the finger.

"Just telling it like it is, dude."

"I (bang) BET (bang) IT'LL (bang) BE (bang) ME! (bang) CHICKS (bang) DIG (bang) AMPUTEES!"

"Keep dreaming, Handy."

"What about me?"

"Dude, face it: Nobody likes Disco."

"NOT TRUE!"

"HOLY MOTHER OF PASTRIES! What the hell is that?!?"

"… That's a bird."

"Not that, THAT!"

"That's a cloud."

"No, tha-"

"That's a cupholder."

"GRRR!"

"That's my crotch."

DJ tapped the armrest uncontrollably. Tap Tap Tap Tap.

"Is everything alright, sir?" A flight attendant asked him. DJ glanced at the blue bear, who was looking at him like he was a terrorist and 'tap tap tap' meant 'death and destruction AHOY!'

"No, no, everything's peachy… With F***tard 1 and F***tard 2 at the wheel what could possibly go wrong?"

Phew, great save dude. DJ though as the attendant nodded and walked away.

"So, let's say it'll be a Fanboy. Who do you think he'll go for?" Giggles inquired, casting a suspicious glance at Flaky & Petunia.

"There's not much choice, is there? Last time I checked, there's only 3 girls. So unless he's a gay, I'd say… Petunia." Cuddles proclaimed.

"Cuddles, you're meant to be on my side!"

"Well, yeah, but you are kind've a bitch."

"Okay, I can accept being number 2…"

"Nope. Flaky's number 2. You're number last."

"Unless he's dating another OC." Pop wondered while Giggles attempted to throttle the life out of Cuddles.

"And if it's a Fangirl?" Flaky asked.

"Flippy." Everyone answered in unison. Flippy smacked himself for being too awesome.

"Dude, you're like, too stressed dude."

"I'd be less stressed if we weren't heading straight for that building."

"Not to worry, I shall use my physic powers to steer the Plane away from catastrophe!"

"… Controls are right here, Frank."

"Ah, yes, there they are! You nearly got away, didn't you, you cute little joystick."

"… Frank, that's my crotch again."

"C'mon, plane, steer left!"

"Frank, unless you're planning to get me drunk and married, hands off."

As the plane hung upside down and performed several awe-inspiring loop-de-loops, DJ wrote furiously on a writing pad. He paused, and then tucked the pencil behind his ear. The pencil promptly drifted toward the roof. Strange how when you're upside down everything seems to go up… Or down… F***, I'm confused.

The main HTFs watched as a long black limousine drove up to the now-completed mansion and parked next to an extremely tired Handy. The driver's door suddenly shot open and smacked Handy in the face. The driver paid no attention to Handy's colourful swears and walked towards the passenger door. He opened it, and a yellow lion slightly bigger than Pop stepped out. The lion cast a bored glance at the assembled HTFs, then entered the mansion with Handy trailing behind him.

"Who the hell was that?" Shifty wondered.

"I know him!" Everyone turned to Pop. "That's Leslie Jazed! He's a Gazillionaire! I read about it in Women's Weekly!"

"Wait, LESLIE JAZED? I remember him! He was in the army for a bit, than he disappeared! He never really liked the 'Leslie' part, though." Flippy exclaimed. Everyone else was still trying to get over the fact that Pop read Women's Weekly.

"… There's actually no such number as 'Gazillion.'" Sniffles pointed out.

"I think Leslie is a bitchin' name." Lumpy said to a giggling Lifty & Shifty, causing them to laugh more.

"Yar." Said Russel, which I assume is pirate talk for 'Could I please borrow some of your Women's Weekly's? I need to check up on Hannah Montana.'

"Passengers, this is your pilot speaking-"

"No sodding duh." DJ muttered.

"- We are now set to land at LAX… Once I find the landing zone.

"Right there, Frank."

"Whatever. It is highly suggested that you fasten your seatbelts, cause I hate having to clean up after the dead, blood-ridden bodies. We thank you for flying Oceanic and have a great day."

"Phew, thank god it's nearly over."

"You know, they say the landing's the hardest bit."

"… I bloody well hate you Frank."

"Okay, landing… Landing…"

The plane jolted as the plane skidded along the tarmac, before coming to a hard halt.

"Man, that was the shortest runway I've ever landed on."

"I know, which is weird cuz it's sooooooooooooo wide."

By now DJ was long gone, having jumped out the plane the minute it landed. But his journey wasn't over yet, he had one last plane to catch. A private one, heading to a remote place on the Canadian/US border. A place where there is, literally, no limits. As DJ started running to another, smaller plane, he glanced down at his notepad.

Happy Tree Town – Reincarnation curse?

And that's my intro for DJ so far. You like?

I hate.

Review if you want to. Next chapter: DJ arrives at Happy Tree Town, meeting it's colourful residents and starting his investigation. Stay tuned.

~DJ.