"Ugh, my aching head," Church groaned as he groggily awoken from his slumber. He turned and fell on a grassy floor. "What the…?"
He looked up and saw a rock. He was sleeping on a rock? Why the fuck was he sleeping on a rock? Last thing he remembered was sleeping back in Blue Base. He looked around to see Caboose and Tucker on the floor, unconscious. But Tex was nowhere to be found, as usual.
Church got up and nudged Tucker, "Tucker, wake up. C'mon Tucker, wake up, man!"
"Ugh… what?" Tucker groaned as he rose to his feet. "What happened…?"
"Well," Church started as he looked around, "The good news is that our weapons are still with us. The bad news is I have no idea where we are."
"Huh?" Tucker looked around to see that he and his friends were in a dense forest. "Um, Church? Weren't we in Blue Base not too long ago?"
Church nodded, "Yeah, problem is we're in some forest now. I don't know why, but I have a feeling the Reds are behind this prank."
"I have no choice but to blame those dirty Blues!" Sarge accused, "They obviously kidnapped us last night and abandoned us here in this strange wilderness!"
"Um, sir, maybe the Blues are in this forest too," Simmons suggested, "It's possible that they could be as lost as us."
"You and crackpot theories, Simmons," Grif shook his head in disbelief.
"What? How is that a theory?" Simmons demanded. "All I did was make a suggestion!"
"The radio's out and I can't seem to pinpoint our location," Lopez observed.
"No, Lopez, of course we don't have any motor oil for you to drink," Grif said.
"Kiss my ass, stupid."
"Well, maybe the Blues decided to play a prank on us and decided to take us camping," Donut suggested jovially.
"Now why would the Blues want to do that, Donut?" Sarge sighed.
He shrugged, "I dunno. I could be wrong and they might be stuck in this forest like us."
"I doubt it. Them Blues are pretty crafty."
"I wonder what they're doing right now," Donut pondered.
Back with the Blues…
Church sighed, "Alright will someone please explain to me how we came from sleeping in our base that was stuck in a box canyon to a fucking forest with me sleeping on a very hard rock?"
"How the hell should I know?" Tucker shot back. "Where the hell is Tex?"
"I dunno," Church shrugged, "Missing in action again as usual."
"Maybe…Maybe the Tooth Fairy came!" suggested Caboose, "And because we did not leave any teeth under our pillows… she took away our base and beds!"
"Shut up, Caboose!" Church snapped. He then turned on his radio, "Maybe I can call Command to know where we are. Command! Hello, Command! This is Private Church of the Blood Gulch Blue Army! Is anyone there? Command! Hello, Command!"
"Well?" Tucker asked.
"No answer," answered Church. "I think we're out of range."
"Out of range? How far out of range?" asked Tucker.
"How the fuck would I know, Tucker? What do I look like to you?" Church responded, his ire rising.
"Excuse me!" snipped Tucker. "I'm not the one who made himself leader! If you're supposed to be the leader, you're supposed to know stuff!"
Church grumbled, "Well I don't and-Hey! Where is Caboose?"
"Huh?" Tucker looked around. "Crap, he must've wandered off somewhere."
"Damn it! Come on, let's go find him," said Church.
"Since when do you care?" Tucker retorted.
"Well I'm not gonna let him get killed so a wild animal can eat him. We might need him for food, and his weapons in case we need to defend ourselves. But mostly food."
"That is fucked up."
"Oh, shut up and help me look!"
"Sheila!" Caboose called as he traversed through the forest by himself," Sheila, are you there? Are we playing hide and seek?"
"Argh!"
"Huh?" Caboose heard a girl scream and decided to follow the sound. His eyes widened at the sight before him.
It was a girl with dull-gray skin, empty black eyes, and long black hair. She was curvy, with wide hips and a nice pair of C-Cup breasts, but Caboose didn't realize since she was mostly covered in shredded military clothes. It was a Gunvalkyrie Pokégirl. She was sitting beneath a tree and seemed to be in pain.
Caboose noticed the pained look on her face and tried to approach her, "Hello? Are you alright, pretty lady?"
The Gunvalkyrie noticed the blue armored being approaching and backed away fearfully.
"It's okay nice lady, I'll help you." Caboose said as he walked forward. The Gunvalkyrie aimed her tri-barreled weapon and fired but missed the being, possibly a man, as he walked towards the Gunvalkyrie as he lifted her bridal style.
"Take it easy," Caboose said soothingly, "I'll look for Doc so he can take a look at those nasty wounds."
Though feral, the Gunvalkyrie could recognize the kindness in the blue man's voice and blushed a bit. She then jumped a little when she heard another voice go, "CABOOSE!"
Church and Tucker came into view through the trees and saw Caboose carrying a girl.
"What did I tell you about wandering off, Caboose?" Church scolded
"And why do you have a girl in your arms?" Tucker added.
"Church, she's hurt! We need to find Doc so he can help her," said Caboose.
"Help her? We don't even know where we are," replied Church and then he got an idea. This girl might be able to tell them where they were. "Hey, maybe she can tell us."
"Let me do all the talking, Church. I know how to talk to the ladies," said Tucker confidently.
"Since when? The only ladies I've seen you talk to are Tex and Sister, and look what happened," Church responded.
"I said regular girls."
"Tucker, there are no such thing as regular girls. All girls, at some level, are just crazy."
"He's right. Church is right," Caboose agreed.
"See, even Caboose agrees," Church pointed out.
"Dude, Caboose will agree to anything you say. He worships you like a god," Tucker snorted.
"That's not true," Church protested.
"I saw him pray to a picture of you. It was creepy," Tucker informed him.
"What? You know what, never mind." Church looked to the girl in Caboose's arms. "Hey, you, do you know where we are?"
"Gun…" she grunted in pain.
"Gun? No, you're not getting my gun," Church denied.
"Gun, gun?" The Gunvalkyrie said tilting her head.
"No, not guns. What is with this place?" Church asked himself
"Gunvalkyrie gun," the Gunvalkyrie said.
"I am getting déjà vu here," Church grumbled, remembering that alien they'd met.
"Oh, oh, maybe we need to do something for her for that to work," Caboose said.
"Yeah? Like what, give her CPR for a bullet wound to the head?" Tucker asked indignantly.
He looked down at her, "Is your name 'Gunvalkyrie'?" She nodded. "That is a strange name," Caboose admitted.
"Look who's talking," Tucker muttered.
"Whatever," Church shrugged, "Let's see if we can find Doc and find any signs of intelligent life."
"Come in, Command!" Simmons tried to call, "This is Private Simmons of the Blood Gulch Red Army. Do you read?" He sighed, "The radio doesn't seem to be working, Sarge."
"That's what I said two hours ago!" Lopez snapped.
"We're trapped in what may be a hostile environment," Sarge concluded, "Who knows what forms of foreign life we may come across!"
"You think we're on another planet?" Grif cocked an eyebrow.
"Course not, numb nuts. I said 'environment' not 'planet'. Try paying attention for once!"
"Too bad I never listen to you," Grif muttered.
The Blues were currently walking through the woods, absolutely clueless...as usual. The Gunvalkyrie was asleep in Caboose's arms and enjoyed the warmth of his body that she felt through his armor.
Caboose was singing childishly, "Walking through the woods, walking through the woods, seeing what cool stuff we can see."
"Caboose, stop it," Church hushed, "We don't want to attract anything out here."
Tucker nodded, "Yeah! I've had enough problems with aliens!"
"Sorry," Caboose apologized.
Church looked around, only seeing tree line, "Man, nothing but trees as far as the eye can see."
Tucker shook his head, "Which doesn't count for much. Where the hell are all of the people? I need civilization, dammit! I'm a lover not a camper!"
Caboose looked ahead, "Why don't we ask that lady over there?
Church blinked, "Huh? What lady?"
Caboose pointed, "The naked lady over there that has wings like a bee."
Tucker's eyes bugged as he looked ahead, "NAKED LADY?"
Church sighed, "Caboose, did you eat the washing powder thinking it was sugar, again?"
Church and Tucker turned to see a Buzzbreast staring at them menacingly...with more approaching.
"Oh thank you God," Tucker praised.
Church sweat-dropped, "Oh hell no."
"We should keep moving, men," Sarge ordered. "There's no telling what we might find here so we should try to find some civilization and figure something out."
"Guys, do you hear that?" Donut asked.
"What is it, Donut?" asked Summons.
"It sounds like buzzing, and…"
"RUNNING TIME!"
"THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!"
"I'VE ALWAYS WANTED GIRLS TO CHASE ME BUT NOT LIKE THIS!"
The Blues ran right through a bush, in a panic, and ran right into the Reds.
"Freeze, Blues!" Sarge threatened, cocking his shotgun. The Blues screeched to a halt.
"What the hell!" exclaimed Church. "Seriously, we got no time for this, we have to run!"
"Run? Run from what?" asked Grif.
"The bee ladies!" Caboose panicked. The Gunvalkyrie in his arms held onto him tight for comfort. "It's okay. I won't let the nasty bee ladies hurt you."
"Who's that?" Simmons asked.
"And is that buzzing getting louder?" Donut asked.
"I am detecting a lot of hostiles approaching," Lopez reported. Of course, since nobody understood him, there was no point. "I am getting out of here. You can all die right here." And he walked away.
The Buzzbreats flew out of the bushes and the Reds' eyes were wide with shock and panic.
"Um," Grif piped, "Does anyone else see what I'm seeing?"
"You're not high, Grif," Simmons squeaked, "I see them too…"
Sarge cocked his shotgun, "OK, men, time to show these girls what the Red Army can do!"
"EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!" Grif shouted as he and everyone scrambled for cover.
"RUN, JESUS, RUN!" Church yelled.
Sarge sighed to himself as he engaged the enemy and blasted away with his shotgun.
Caboose took cover behind a bush and set the Gunvalkyrie gently, "We'll stay here until the bee ladies are gone."
"New friend?" Donut asked as he was hiding as well.
Caboose nodded, "Yes. She is my new friend. Her name is Gunvalkyrie."
Lopez was walking as he heard gunshots, figuring that Sarge was fighting those strange women. He sighed to himself, "I'm going to regret this."
BLAM!
BLAM!
BLAM!
"Yeah, get some!" Sarge cheered as he cocked out an empty shell.
"Wow, look at Sarge go," Simmons admired.
"He's definitely a better shot than Church," Tucker admitted. They were hiding behind a tree.
"I HEARD THAT, TUCKER!" Church shouted from another tree.
"KEEP IT DOWN," Grif shouted, "THEY'LL HEAR US!"
"Shut up, Red! You're loud too!"
"You shut up!" Grif retorted.
"Let's all shut up, how 'bout that!"
Grif then saw another Buzzbreast coming up behind Sarge, "Sarge, behind you!"
"Huh?"
BRRAAAT!
The Buzzbreast was mowed down by a spray of bullets from Lopez's assault rifle as he was now back to back with Sarge.
"Good to know you have muh back, Lopez," Sarge nodded.
"You owe me for this one, old man," Lopez retorted.
They started shooting and swatted the Buzzbreasts like flies with each kill they made.
"Wow, Sarge and Lopez make an awesome team," Donut awed. A Buzzbreat heard and flew over to make the kill, "Oh man!"
Caboose shielded the Gunvalkyrie's body with his own, "Don't worry, I'll keep you safe…"
The Gunvalkyrie blushed as this stranger was risking his life to protect her. She gained a determined look in her eyes as she nudged him away and stood on her feet.
"Don't," Caboose protested, "You're still hurt!"
The Gunvalkyrie ignored Caboose and grunted as she shifted into her armored form, carrying Gatling guns in her hands, missile pods on her legs, machine guns on her shoulders, and targets locked, making the Buzzbreast gasp in surprise before she was turned into Swiss cheese by a spray of bullets, bringing all attention to her.
"What…the fuck?" Church gaped.
"Oh…my…God," Simmons stammered.
"Um, I think we should get down," Grif piped.
"GUN!" she cried as she used her Burst attack, mowing down the swarm of Buzzbreats, making the Reds and Blues duck for cover as they area was leveled by the Gunvalkyrie.
The smoke cleared and some of the trees were destroyed as were the Buzzbreasts.
"What in the name of Uncle Sam just happened?" Sarge asked.
"Holy shit, dude," Tucker gawked, "That was fucking awesome!"
The Gunvalkyrie disengaged her armor and collapsed as she was caught by Caboose.
"She's sick," he determined, "We need Doc."
Lopez pointed, "I detect a small town several meters from our position. They may have a hospital there."
"I think Lopez found a town," Donut guessed as he saw Lopez pointing.
"OK, then let's get over there and get the little lady some medical attention," Sarge ordered.
"I can give her some attention," Tucker commented, "Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"
Caboose aimed his assault rifle right at Tucker's head, "No you will not."
"Looks like you ain't doin' shit, Tucker," Church chuckled.
"Eh, I was just kidding," Tucker shrugged.
Caboose ignored him and carried the Gunvalkyrie in his arms, led by Lopez as they left the group.
"Sarge," Grif called, "Am I the only one who doesn't know what the fuck is going on?"
Sarge nodded, "I noticed too, Grif. There's something weird about this place…"
Simmons cringed, "You don't think…that we really are on another planet, do you Sarge?"
"Maybe Simmons, maybe."
"Hey, if this is an alien planet, maybe we can teach them how plat patty cake," Donut suggested.
"Way to ruin the mood, Donut," Grif sighed.
To Be Continued...
Bushido: Looks like the Reds and Blues have ended up in another crazy ass world. Wonder what kind of trouble they'll get into this time. Red VS Blue doesn't belong to me and I don't own Pokegirls. I thank Chrome and my other friends for coming up with scenes for me to build on.