Quinn hopped onto the kitchen island, lifting herself up with her arms. Somehow it had become a habit whenever she was at this house and she didn't even realize what she was doing.
When the warmth of her hands met the cold marble counter, goose bumps erupted all over her skin and it sent shivers down her spine. But the rapt smile on her face remained and a pinch of anxiety had never left her since she had entered the city limits of Lima.
Without taking her eyes away from Brittany, who was rambling about this and that, she reached down to grab her glass, then lifted it to her mouth to take a sip of her juice. She allowed herself any drink but alcohol tonight because she had arrived at Puck's house in her car and she wanted to go back to her house later that night in it.
"(...) The baby had been crying for God knows how long and I couldn't stand listening to the baby scream any longer and so I asked Santana to do what Lord Tubbington usually does when I'm sad. So she sang the baby to sleep with that special magical lullaby that calmed the baby at once. It just fell asleep. Isn't that right, San?" Brittany shifted her gaze to her girlfriend, seeking for approval to tell their friends about their little adventure on their flight back from New York after a little weekend getaway which they had spent in the Big Apple.
Santana nodded, grinning goofily and a broad smile appeared on Quinn's face and she let out an amused giggle, catching everybody's attention. Not only Brittany and Santana's, but also Artie's, Mercedes', Tina's and Sam's, too… they all were gathered in the kitchen and listened to the story.
"What's so funny, Miss Yale?" the Latin joked, putting Quinn in the spotlight.
"Santana I' . . . .Lopez singing a lullaby, singing a baby to sleep… that's funny!" Quinn laughed and everyone joined in, agreeing with her and Santana's cheek turned dark pink.
"I just wanted to sleep, okay?" she snapped back, not even a tiny bit mad at them. "I was tired and that was the only way, approved by B, that was going to shut the little monster up!" she explained with a dismissive shrug.
"Yeah, plus it was more than ten minutes that we were back from the toilette, and you should know that San always likes to sleep after she goes dow-"
"Britt!" Santana cut in quickly, knowing that what she was about to say would be completely embarrassing. "Can you help me with something? Come here..." she said dragging Brittany with her while everyone was laughing. They didn't need Brittany to finish her sentence to know the end of the story.
"I hope that after B has finished helping you, you don't slump onto the couch and fall asleep. It's been too long and I'm looking forward to spend the night with all my friends!" Quinn threatened her playfully, biting her lip in amusement as she saw the killer glare that Santana gave her.
"Screw you!" Santana replied with a roguish grin as she walked into the living room with Brittany. This scene reminded her so much of their good old times back in high school
"And what is going on in that Yale life of yours?" Mercedes asked, walking over to the fridge to get two beers. She opened one bottle and gave the other one to Tina.
"Better than I expected! It's a lot of hard work, I think I'm beginning to understand the pressure of being a member of an Ivy League university, but I wouldn't change it for anything" Quinn answered with a grin. "I'm really enjoying my classes, especially my English class. And Delph, my roommate, she is the best! Plus, her boyfriend is in the third year and is producing a short film, and Delph made me audition for it and I got the role. So when I return I will be playing my part in it. It is something pretty small, but I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be a great experience tho"
"I'm so happy for you, Quinn... You deserve it! You more than anyone else" Sam smiled and wrapped his arms around her affectionately, as everyone nodded and complimented Quinn, sincerely happy about her achievements. It seemed like yesterday when they had all left Lima.
"I can see you and Rachel starring in a super Hollywood production. Hot, that would be... fucking hot actually!" Puck laughed mischievously while walking over to Quinn and ruffling her hair as everyone laughed.
"Talking about our tiny diva, does anyone know anything about her?" Tina asked, looking at the clock.
"She should be here any minute. She just texted me telling me that she was almost finishing and will be here in about 30 minutes or so..." Quinn said, pulling out her phone from her pocket to check the time and she noticed that Rachel's text was less than 20 minutes ago. "Who else is coming?"
"Unique is out of town, Jake hasn't said anything, Blaine and Kurt are on their way with Finn and Marley has just arrived" Puck stated shortly while retrieving two beers from the fridge before returning to the living room.
A couple minutes full of chitchat passed and they all followed Puck into the living-room. Finn, Blaine and Kurt had already arrived and the other were curious about Kurt's internship at Vogue and his life in New York.
Quinn listened to Kurt's story, but she devoted her attention to Marley who didn't really seem to be part of the group. She heard her when she suggested that Puck should put in the latest album from The XX's, the music Quinn had been obsessed with for weeks. They both found common ground for a conversation about the music they listened to and loved and they were soon engaged in a conversation.
Marley had heard a lot about one Quinn Fabray in the halls of McKinley, mainly a lot of gossip. After hearing Quinn talk about the XX and that she couldn't stop listening to Angels because she felt it was a song that kind of put voice to those feelings that she didn't dare to speak out loud and how the beat of the song created the perfect atmosphere to accompany the lyrics in a magical trance, Marley was struck by the simple truth that it was nothing more than gossip.
Quinn noticed the strange look on Marley's face but before she had the possibility to find out why, she heard how the front door was opened and an unexpected 'Rachel!' by Brittany was clouding all her senses in that moment.
She whirled around and her eyes fell on Rachel, who looked nothing like the last time she had seen her. Was it her hair, her clothes, the way she moved? Quinn couldn't place it but it gave Rachel an air of maturity and it was a great addition to her personality, giving her even a more self-confident appearance.
"Hey, guys! How are you? It's my pleasure to see all of you again" Rachel greeted each one of her friends, giving everyone a tight hug. Finn held her in an embrace longer than she had expected and then she moved on to Tina, who introduced her to Marley.
"Hey stranger! I'm Quinn, are you not going to say 'Hi' to me?" The blonde smiled biting her lower lip as she watched Rachel greet Marley, but with her eyes already on her.
"I'm Rachel Barbra Berry" The brunette smiled back and stuck out her hand to Quinn.
"Rachel, who?" The blonde joked and received a frown from the brunette. "Come here" she mumbled sheepishly and opened her arms radiating joy and tenderness and inviting Rachel to hug her. The brunette didn't need an invitation, a second later Quinn felt the air leaving her lungs at the feeling of Rachel's arms squeezing her tightly, her body fully pressed against hers.
"I missed you a lot! I was so looking forward to seeing you again" Rachel whispered in Quinn's ear, just for her to hear, knowing that most of the eyes on the room were still stuck on the both of them.
Quinn didn't respond verbally, but physically, holding her tighter, pulling her closer to her body for a few seconds before breaking apart.
Rachel pulled away and Tina immediately grabbed her arm to get her attention and immersed her in a conversation that Quinn wasn't really interested in at all.
Her eyes were stuck on Rachel and her body was still vibrating and still intoxicated by the energy as it always happened when the brunette got that close. Her lips curved into a soft content smile and she was surrounded by an air of mystery. She was overwhelmed by so many feelings which she had finally recognized and accepted.
Their evening together was filled with laughter, conversations, new rounds of drinks, stories, and more laughter. They were scattered all over the spacious room occupying every single seat.
Quinn talked to a lot of her friends but she didn't really listen since her undivided attention remained focused on the brunette. But Rachel hadn't come over again after their welcome hug.
Right now Rachel was talking and laughing with Artie, while across the room Quinn, who sat on a stool, was trying hard but unsuccessfully to keep track of the conversation with Santana and Brittany.
Her gaze always returned to Rachel, hoping to connect with her, to catch her attention. After greeting all of them, the brunette hadn't exchanged a word with Quinn. Precious time was passing and her anxiety level was increasing quickly.
"Quinn? Quinn, are you listening?" Santana asked her, frowning and folding her arms under her chest.
"Yes, San ... Britt said something about you not letting her go down into a sewer in NYC after realizing that it was located right across the place selling the same pizza that the Ninja Turtles ate."
"I hate it when you do that!" the Latin huffed, turning around and leaning against the small table next to Quinn, facing forward. The blonde turned to her with a puzzled look on her face and raised an eyebrow waiting for an explanation. "You hear me but you are not listening... I guess years of being the HBIC taught you something, right?"
"And what would that be?"
"Act as if something matters to you even when it doesn't, you know ... I have no idea what's on your mind right now, Q… but I'm sure you're not here with me, not right now"
Britt observed them but was totally confused and chose not to say anything. She approached Santana and gave her a brief peck on the lips before heading over to where Artie and Rachel were.
Quinn's attempt to debunk Santana's words failed since her own words wouldn't come out. She didn't want to make up an excuse or lie to her, so she opted for staying silent instead, a silence that the Latina understood pretty well. They both just stood there side by side without breaking the silence, knowing that they would be there for each other no matter what would happen.
Quinn's eyes landed on Rachel once more, watching as the brunette made her way into the kitchen alone and she suddenly saw this as an opportunity to talk to her, something she had been craving for the entire night. "I'm thirsty, do you want anything?"
"Yeah, a beer… I will go with you"
"No, don't worry... I will bring you one" Quinn's gaze was almost a plea and Santana nodded and didn't say anything and walked towards Brittany.
The blonde followed Rachel, entered the kitchen behind her and made her way to the refrigerator in total silence. She grabbed a can of diet coke and a beer, then turned around and was on her way out of the kitchen, pretending to be disinterested.
One, two, three steps towards the kitchen door was all she could cover before Rachel called after her. "Hey, Quinn"
"Hey, Rachel!" she smiled relived and completely happy as she turned around.
"I haven't talked to you much tonight, are you avoiding me?"
"You got me …" she confessed rolling her eyes. "Busted!" She faked frustration but instead was somehow glad that the brunette seemed to be aware of the lack of interaction, but at the same time a little frustrated because Rachel hadn't made any effort to approach her and strike up a conversation with her.
"It's a shame" Rachel pouted. "I was anxiously awaiting this night to come and to see everyone, especially to see you ... We speak so often but not being able to see you in person makes me miss you even more than the rest of them" Rachel smiled shyly, leaning her body against the kitchen counter. She was facing Quinn who leaned there as well.
The blonde locked eyes with her trying to find some hint what Rachel wanted to tell her with that. But she really didn't know what she was looking for.
It was true that the two of them had kept in touch, texting almost daily and skyping every weekend. However, Rachel had declined every attempt, never too directly, of Quinn to make her come to New Haven.
First, there was the period of adaptation and getting to know the new city; then Kurt's arrival, finding an apartment and moving in. Then it was time for participating in her classes and the pressure of college, then her parents visiting, then Brody and Finn, and Quinn knew that although they all sounded like valid arguments, it was impossible for her not to feel slightly disappointed and frustrated to see how she couldn't get what she wanted.
It was Rachel who had expressed the desire to keep in touch and Quinn who had decided to buy train tickets, which would allow visits. But fate constantly seemed to keep throwing obstacles in their path. And so the first months passed without any one of them visiting the other.
"Well, I'm here..." Quinn finally smiled, dropping her shoulders and giving up the last bit of anger and resentment generated by seeing how the brunette spoke with everyone except her.
"How was your flight?"
"Umm, fine ... I guess."
"You guess? Quinn, how can you participate in an aviation activity for 6 hours and don't find proper adjectives for it? "
"I can because I slept the entire time."
"Then why didn't you say that in the very beginning?"
"Why haven't you asked me right away?"
"I do not usually ask people if they slept during their flight, that's not a very polite and a political correct way to start up a conversation, don't you think?"
"Okay, okay ... slow down a little" Quinn chuckled about this Lima-version of Rachel who was facing her, over-excited and rambling and not much in common with her New Yorker version, who was more relaxed and unstructured. "Where is the girl that called me two weeks ago saying Cassandra July, and I quote, is a motherfucker?"
"Quinn! Watch your language!"
"Excuse me? You were the one who said that!"
"That was in New York and I was frustrated. Now we are in Lima" Rachel stared at her, convinced that that was answer enough to stop the bickering. "Make a wish!" she added quickly, completely changing her tone and the features of her face from looking very serious to being overwhelmed by anxiety and fun.
"Umm, what?"
"It's 11:11... Make a wish!"
"But-"
"Quinn, now you have less than 25 seconds ... Do it now!" Rachel stomped her foot on the floor to add emphasis to her point.
"Okay!" Quinn snorted.
"Okay you did, or okay stop bothering me?"
"Okay I did."
"Who did you do?"
"What?… Oh my god, RACHEL!" Quinn replied when she realized what Rachel was saying.
"Sorry, it was her, she said it!" Rachel winked mischievously. "New York Rachel is back" The brunette smiled in amusement when she saw how Quinn had fallen for her little joke and she broke out in laughter when she saw the serious look on the blonde's face.
"Better that way, I have no desire to talk about who I did or did not. Talking about my private life it's so not me"
"Why are you never telling me anything about it? Have you met someone? Are you seeing someone? Come on, I don't know anything! Is it something serious?" Rachel was suddenly serious as she shortened the distance between them.
Quinn looked at her kind of baffled about the interrogation but forced a smile. "Quinn New Haven…" she joked, still looking for a clue in Rachel's face that explained her behavior.
The petite brunette crossed her arms and looked annoyed. "There's no such a thing, Quinn!"
"Maybe it-" Quinn was about to speak but the sudden appearance of Finn stopped her.
"Rach, can we talk?" he asked cautiously approaching the brunette, taking hesitant steps.
Rachel looked at him and then returned her eyes to Quinn. For one second the blonde could see the internal battle Rachel was fighting trying to find the right answer to the question. Finally her lips curled into an apologetic smile and her voice sounded a little concerned. "Quinn, I need to…." She trailed off, unsure how to continue. "Excuse me, I will be back with you in a minute, okay?"
"Mhm" Quinn nodded with a lump in her throat. She was disappointed that Finn still seemed to get Rachel's attention.
The brunette walked past her with Finn, who had his typical goofy smile on his face. But for the first time it really hurt Quinn. It wasn't even something that involved him directly, as she would have liked to believe several years ago.
Quinn took a deep breath and turned away, leaving the kitchen and looking for Santana. She spotted her instantly and walked towards her, handing her the bottle of beer which she still held in her hands and which wasn't really cold anymore because it had been in her hand while she talked to Rachel .
"Ewww, this is disgusting!" Santana complained after only one sip. "This is almost boiling, Q!"
"Oh, it must be one of the new ones in the fridge. You can go and find another if you want... I need to go to the bathroom" she added quickly walking toward the stairs followed by Santana's astonished gaze.
She hadn't spent a lot of time living in that house, even less than what she had spent at Mercedes's house. But this place brought back a whole bunch of memories which crowded her head with every step she took.
She arrived upstairs quite breathless not only because she had raced up the stairs but also feeling all these heavy emotions inside of her. A couple more steps and she found shelter in the bathroom, closing the door and locking it behind her to be sure that no one would enter.
She closed her eyes and dropped down on the small bathroom stool that was placed in the corner, burying her face in her hands trying to regain composure, the composure that she had until a few minutes ago.
Her feelings for Rachel weren't new, but it was all about accepting them.
Life in New Haven hadn't only brought her a higher level of maturity and independence, but also self-discovery, the process of coming to terms with herself without the pressure and the constant judgment of her own family.
Looking back at her 'old' life from a new level of relaxation and acceptance had left no doubts and she had finally understood her behavior and what she had done in High School. And there wasn't any real hope that those feelings were reciprocal, but seeing Rachel taking two steps back so easily after all what Finn had done to her, hurt her more than what she had expected.
Sitting there in that remote place gave her back inner peace and helped her to recover. It was the ideal atmosphere to collect her thoughts and remind herself of the reason for her being there and that her relationship with Rachel was nothing more than a simple friendship.
No matter how strong her feelings were, there was absolutely nothing she could do but let them flow, believing that everything happens for a reason, as everyone says. She was finally at peace with the world and herself and maybe she would find another person in this new environment, a person who was her other half, the missing piece of her puzzle and who would give her security in this new phase of her life.
Quinn sat up slowly, looked in the mirror, gave herself the biggest smile she was able to provide in that moment and shook her head. She smiled at her last thought. Maybe Rachel's drama queen gen had been transferred to her somehow.
When Quinn made her way down the stairs again, she felt as if some weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She was determined to enjoy the time with her High School friends. The closer she got to the living-room, the more she could hear laughter and music, but when she entered the room and roamed it with her eyes it was all transformed into an indecipherable buzz.
Her eyes landed on Rachel who was wrapped up in Finn's arms, as he kissed her head affectionately. Sam was facing them, laughing, probably doing some of those impressions which he used to do.
Any conclusion she had minutes before disappeared in that moment, any wall that she had built up around her heart burst into a million pieces at the sight of this ordinary image.
It was right there and then when, for the first time since she had become aware of her feelings, she had caught a glimpse of what was Rachel's reality, and she just knew that nothing had been put to rest in the past. It was way more difficult than she had always wanted to believe.
Quinn could feel her body go numb and the air in her lungs grew thin when she was suddenly overcome by the realization that she had been lying to herself every single time she had attempted to convince herself that she hadn't hoped that her feelings were reciprocal.
There were still three more steps, however, she leaned her body against the wall embracing her own body to get a grip on herself. It was as if that could offer her some kind of shelter which didn't seem enough at that time, but it was necessary to protect herself and to suppress the truth that slapped her in the face right that moment.
She just wanted to be in Finn's place. She craved to be the one holding Rachel and to be the one who could make her feel loved. She would do everything to be the one who Rachel chooses at the end of the day... However, the brunette hadn't even wanted to continue their conversation. Instead she had turned her down to go and talk to Finn, her former boyfriend, who had dumped her and made her go through a living hell as she struggled to start her new life in New York.
She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to get out of there when she suddenly diverted her eyes and connected her gaze briefly with Sam. The connection was short and Sam saw that something was wrong.
With all the calmness and grace possible in that situation, she ran the last 3 steps and, trying not to attract any attention, she walked silently into the kitchen. On her way she grabbed a bottle, that was on the kitchen island, not even looking what it contained and she kept walking through the back door and outside.
Her lungs were filled with cold November air and she took another deep breath trying to get her head clear. The disjointed fragments of images and voices were beginning to converge on her again, swamping her mind. She was so self-absorbed in that moment that she didn't even realize that she was barely covered by a thin sweater, jeans and ballerinas. The cold air started to feel like a thousand needles penetrating her skin and her lungs started to burn but the pain didn't even begin to compare to the pain in her chest.
It felt as if someone had ripped her heart out of her chest and stamped all over it. She couldn't hold back her tears anymore. One tear escaped and ran down her cheek and a quiet sob came from her lips. She walked away, sat down on one of the chairs on the back porch and curled up on it, tears running down her face.
Feeling safe she surrendered to her feelings and broke out into heart-rending sobs. Every tiny bit of her body hurt but at the same time she felt some kind of freedom… because she knew in her head and heart that nothing could ever get any worse.
The sound of the door opening and closing quickly caught her attention. She dried the tears on her cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater and looked up, hoping that the person that approached wouldn't notice that she had just cried. The blonde raised her gaze and saw Sam instead of Rachel facing her, making her feel completely disappointed. Why didn't Rachel go after her, hadn't she noticed her absence? But as usual it wasn't the case and she couldn't deal with Sam's bewildered face at the moment. She rested her arms on the table and buried her face in her hands.
"Quinn ..." Sam muttered, not knowing what else to say.
The blonde sighed deeply and said nothing. All she was able to do was grab the bottle that still rested next to her and drank a large sip out of it. Vodka burned down her throat, but not even this burning sensation couldn't ease the pain that seeing Rachel with Finn had caused.
"Holy shit …" Quinn yelped. Her body was shivering from the intensity of the strong drink when she raised the bottle to her lips again. Sam ran his hand through his hair nervously and took two tentative steps towards her.
"Quinn... what happened? What are you doing here? Talk to me"
"I'm fine, Sam. Look, I really like you. I think that you're one of the people that I care the most of all who are here tonight but ... please, leave me alone"
"But Quinn-"
"Leave . me. fucking . alone . Sam! I'm just taking a break and having a drink of whatever shit this is!" Quinn shook the bottle, holding it in front of his face. "And I'm old enough to make a decision all by myself. And if I want to drink myself to death because I don't want to feel anymore how pathetic my life is, so be it! ... It is my fucking decision and I'll do it, so please leave me alone once and for all!" the blonde finished lifting her head, looking right into his eyes, with a painful but furious expression.
Sam was taken aback by the blonde's sudden aggressive tone of voice that he instinctively stepped back, raised his hands in surrender before turning and walking away from her. Just one step before reaching the door he stopped and turned to look at her. "It's going to hurt twice when you realize that it makes no sense being here doing this… and you'll regret it, trust me" Sam attempted to smile, then turned around and entered the house leaving her alone, as she had asked.
Quinn let her eyes roam the place and without giving more room to the thoughts that clouded her head, she drank another sip of vodka, and then another one, and another one, until several minutes later the tears had stopped and the bottle of vodka was lying on the floor.
Her inside was in a turmoil, everything was spinning, her head shattered into pieces. She held on to the table with her arms and her head rested on it, trying to avoid the slightest movement because if she did her world began trembling painfully. This short moment of peace lasted long enough to let her fall asleep. It didn't last long, but it was pretty deep…
The sound of Rachel's voice accompanied by guitar chords could be heard from the house and pervaded the silence. It was enough to shake Quinn out of her sleep. She opened her eyes and made a twisted face full of pain. All she could manage was to look at her watch and to her surprise not even an hour had passed since she had decided to go outside. She had been sleeping for maybe 20 minutes and was still alone in the middle of the dark porch.
Quinn rubbed her eyes once, twice, countless times until sleep had left them completely. There was still the image of Rachel with Finn stuck in her mind, her chest felt tightly compressed and she remember how she had felt earlier that night.
Completely exhausted and helpless, she decided she had no business being there anymore and so she abruptly stood up.
But she suddenly realized that her tiny nap was far away from being miraculous. Everything was spinning around her and it felt as if her head would explode and so Quinn fell back into the chair.
"Crap … way to go, Quinn" she complained aloud to herself. She just needed to get away from that place to be able to think clearly again and that was why she tried to stand up again. When she did, she saw Sam's jacket fall onto the floor. The blonde didn't really remember if Sam had come back to look after her. To be perfectly honest, she didn't remember anything at all.
She forced her way back to the house, walking really slowly and using the walls as support and when she reached the door, she went in.
Rachel's voice came closer and closer. It was so beautiful and contradicted the pain that it was causing in Quinn.
The blonde crossed the kitchen, grabbed her bag and walked into the living-room, her eyes fixed on the floor, being aware that her steps weren't as steady as she would have wanted them. There was a babble of voices, but her brain could only decode her name coming from Rachel's lips.
But she didn't look up, she decided to keep walking instead, increasing her pace, which made her lose her balance completely and she fell into Sam's arms who was quick enough to catch her.
"Oh my god, Quinn? Sam, you said she had left!" Rachel uttered facing them both. Behind her all the eyes were on them, especially on Quinn.
But the blonde didn't have any desire or strength to deal with them, so she broke free from Sam and stumbled towards the door. As she reached it, she clung to it for balance, opened it, went outside and slammed it shut behind her.
Again a breath of fresh air hit her hard, but this time there was no time to wait. She just kept walking, barely managing not to trip when she took the last four steps down the front porch.
Quinn spotted her car in the distance and was motivated enough to make it to there.
When she finally reached her car, she hung onto it with her hand and then dropped her head on it.
She sighed piteously as tears began to travel down her cheeks again, even if she thought there were no more left in her system after all that crying on the back porch.
"Pull yourself together, Quinn..." she moaned, grabbing the door handle of her car to open it.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing, Quinn?" Rachel's voice sounded clear, close and angry. And it made Quinn jump in her place, being completely caught off guard, she was definitely not expecting this to happen.
The blonde lifted her eyes and saw Rachel, arms crossed with a posture that could only be describe as furious and she looked at her angrily.
She swallow hard trying to remove that huge lump in her throat and without saying anything she turned off the alarm and opened the door, but her moves weren't as fast as she had thought. Before she was able to get into the car, she felt Rachel's hand grab her wrist strongly, trying to stop her from doing something stupid.
The air left her lungs in one breath, just at the feeling of Rachel's skin touching her own.
"What the fuck are you doing, Quinn? God, just look at you!"
"And why the hell do you care? You are nobody, Rachel… leave me alone"
"No!" she replied forcefully, pulling her by the arm and putting her back against the car. "Where do you think are you going in your state? You are a mess, Quinn! Do you really think you could drive like this? Wasn't one accident enough?"
The blonde closed her eyes tightly and when she opened them again the mix of emotions in them was unreadable. "Well, I'm still here, it seems as if it wasn't enough."
"Are you out of your mind? God, Quinn… What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Oh fuck you, Rachel!" the blonde snapped back. "I don't have anything more to say or do here, would you be so kind to let me go?" Quinn said sarcastically as she tried to free her arm but to her surprise Rachel held on to it.
"Oh there is no way I'm going to let you go in this state! You don't know me if you think so. Dammit Quinn, are you crazy?"
"Of course I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't let things get this far."
"What's wrong with you? Talk to me"
"Why the fuck do you care, Rachel? Leave me alone, it's my fucking life! Go back inside to your Prince Charming, the love of your life… go and be his puppy. Go back to him, to your love, the same one who dumped you and gave you so much space that he forgot about you for four months! Come on, go back in there, Rachel!"
"Everything has a limit, Quinn, do not cross it!" Rachel warned her, stunned by her behavior.
"I give a shit about crossing your limits or not! I don't fucking care, don't you get it? Go back inside to your boyfriend and let me get out of here once and for all!"
"Okay, that's it… enough is enough, Quinn! You wanna go? Fine, then go!"
"Finally!"
"But I won't let you drive in this state, only in your dreams!" Rachel pulled Quinn's arm and made her walk around the car. Then she opened the passenger door and forced her to get inside and sit down in there. "The seat belt-"
"Don't touch me!" Quinn snapped back annoyed when she saw how Rachel leaned in with the intention to fasten it. "Leave me alone, go back inside ... Can't you see I don't want you here? I can't stand you anymore!" Quinn's voice broke as she kept complaining. She was so frustrated and couldn't hold back a gut-wrenching sob under Rachel's astonished gaze, who froze watching Quinn so broke.
"Quinn..." she sighed not knowing what else to say or do.
"And don't Quinn me! I don't want anything from you, don't you fucking get it? Am I not clear enough? Go back inside, go run after your dumbass Prince Charming; go claim the love of your life… in the end, that's all you have ever cared about!" Quinn added completely broken.
Rachel was baffled, silent, she just shut the door and without even being aware of what she was doing she made her way to the driver's side, opened the door and got in, completely bewildered and worried about Quinn who was sitting next to her completely broken, her shoulders quivering as she sobbed heartbreakingly.
The brunette thanked herself for taking away Quinn's car key and inserted it into the ignition to turn on the engine. She needed to leave this place and so she didn't care about any directions from the blonde.
Not far from the house Rachel turned to look at the blonde who had pulled her knees close to her chest, her arms hugging them and her face buried in them. Her body was leaning against the door and she was still crying. But slowly she began to calm down a little.
Rachel drove silently, not really knowing where she should head to. She decided to park in front of a park that was still lit but deserted, then turned off the engine and relaxed in her seat, still baffled.
"I thought you knew me, you know? But if you really think that all I have ever cared about is Finn, I think I was wrong, you never did." Rachel spoke very quietly, surprising Quinn. "I'm sure that getting closer to you and become friends with Quinn Fabray mattered a lot more to me. It had always been a constant during my high school years. To this day I have no idea why ... but I guess I always saw in you more than what the rest of the people saw."
"Stop it! I couldn't care less, I don't wanna hear you…" the blonde complained, feeling the pain that pulsed in her with every word.
"Coming back to Lima for Thanksgiving was the chance to see my dads again, to see my friends, but what I wanted the most was to have the chance to see you again. To hear everything about Yale even if I know a lot about it because we almost text daily or talk on the phone… but that is not the same. I needed to see you."
"Don't go there, stop it! You have no right to say such things …" Quinn interrupted her again, not very convincing and wiped away the rebel tears that were still wetting her cheek.
"And yet I come here and I find this... what the hell, Quinn? You know how much it hurts me to see you like this? Don't you have a tiny bit of self-respect? Don't you love yourself? Not even a tiny bit? Why do you get wasted then? "
"Enough!" Quinn screamed, actually facing her for the first time. "Why the hell should I love myself a tiny bit if I have nobody in my life who loves me back? You were right... the accident was not enough!"
"You don't know what you are talking about… I love you, I care about you so much, Quinn"
"No, you don't!"
"Yes, I do!" Rachel said quickly.
"I gave you the darn train tickets and you couldn't clear your schedule to visit me, not even once… never!"
"That's-" Rachel huffed frustrated, rubbing her hand on her face. "You know I was studying and trying to fit in into this new world. It wasn't easy for me to start all over again, adapting myself to a whole new thing. You know that. And it's not like you couldn't have come to NY to visit me! You never wanted to, you have never even tried! It's a two way street, so don't blame me because it's not just my fault …"
"You never asked me to come…" Quinn mumbled through clenched teeth.
"Oh my god! Seriously? What are you, five? I didn't think it was necessary to ask you. Texting you all the time, skyping with you saying how much I miss you should have been enough for you to realize that I wanted to see you, that I needed you in my life. I would have loved to go to New Haven, but I couldn't do it in the first weeks, and then when I finally had time you practically shut me out. I get it that you were busy, too. But don't blame me, because I really tried."
"Come on, that's bullshit!" Quinn mumbled. "Anyway, tonight we were both in the same place and the last thing you did was come and talk to me. You were always busy talking to someone else, and then running after Finn, as usual …" she said angrily, her eyes now fixed to the front, her hands clenched to fists tightly. "So, tell me one thing. Who doesn't love herself even a little? Me, for taking a fucking shot of vodka? Or you, for letting him treat you like crap and still running after him?" she said with venom on her voice.
Rachel shook her head and didn't answer. She didn't want Finn in the spotlight right now. "You tell me one thing… did you approach me?"
"How can you ask me that? You left me standing there without a proper answer and walked away with him! What else do you want me to do? How can I get closer to you if you don't want me to?" Quinn snapped back. She was furious and let out an angry puff of air totally frustrated. She couldn't look at Rachel and kept her eyes fixed on the horizon.
"I told you that I would talk to you later and I tried to find you but I couldn't! I asked Sam and he told me that he had seen how you went outside and that you had probably left. I thought that you did, that you were gone. I called you twice, I texted you three times… I would have never thought that you were outside all by yourself and drinking yourself to death!"
"It's none of your business! You can't tell me what to do! God! I don't know what you are still doing here, go back to Finn and leave me alone"
Rachel looked at her, and couldn't hold it anymore. Patience and gentleness stepped aside for frustration and capitulation because she wasn't able to break down the walls that Quinn had built around her. "You of all people are not in the position right now to tell me that. Can you stop telling me what to do, when you don't have the courage yourself to do what you want?"
"Rachel..." Quinn began to warn her but the brunette cut in.
"Oh yeah, very mature of you. If things don't go the way you want them to, you get wasted, well done! God! Get your shit together, Quinn!"
"Enough, you have no clue what you're talking about …"
"Don't say that! I know exactly what I 'm talking about!"
"Go away, go back to Finn ... take the car if you want, I don't care, I can walk home."
"Stop telling me what the fuck I should do!"
"Gah! Do whatever you want…" Quinn huffed, already thinking about getting out of the car.
"No, no, no! You do whatever you want …" Rachel snapped back, reaching a point where frustration turned into resignation, but anger was also still a part of it.
Immediately after those words had left Rachel's mouth, Quinn couldn't think anymore and just unbuckled her seat belt and approached Rachel, who wasn't really prepared for what was about to come.
One second Quinn ran her hands through her hair, being totally frustrated. Just a second later, her lips captured Rachel's in an erratic and desperate kiss.
And another second later Quinn landed on Rachel's lap, straddling her on the seat, biting her lower lip eager to deepen the kiss.
Quinn's brain stopped being functional, same as her heart and lungs, but the need and desire to conquer every little spot of those pink lips increased her self-confidence and her strength. She had been dreaming about it for so long, so it was easy to lose herself in this and to lose control as it was happening.
She couldn't really comprehend the true dimensions of what was happening, but her body thrust against Rachel's who was completely at her mercy and who let out long and soft moans next to Quinn's ear. This sound sent tingles through the blonde's entire body and her hands found their way to Rachel's neck. She grabbed the back of her neck firmly, clinging to her, holding her in place as her lips conquered the brunette's, kissing, sucking, biting, hard and desperate but still passionate. It was the only chance she might have.
Rachel was far from suspecting Quinn's first attack, she was still totally stunned at the second one, but she recovered soon and assumed control … now it was her turn to grab Quinn's neck firmly with one hand same as the blonde did before to pull her closer, eagerly sliding her tongue deep inside Quinn's mouth. Shivers ran down her spine at the realization what was happening, what she was doing, the blonde was kissing her into a frenzied state of arousal.
When their lips connected it wasn't awkward, it was electrifying and mesmerizing and they melted into each other. They were insatiable and Rachel's hands travelled down and her fingers trailed cautiously lower and lower until she reached Quinn's lower back. Her fingers curled into soft flesh pulling her impossibly closer.
When Quinn was about to give herself up to the feeling of extreme pleasure, pleasure she had never experienced and felt before, a switch flipped in her head and she jumped back to her seat with the same speed she had attacked Rachel before. She was panting hard and her eyes wandered off to a point in the distance.
Her heart was racing madly, her lungs were burning, her mouth was still tingling with the feeling of Rachel's lips on hers and her legs were shaking. She stayed silent and took a deep breath and another one, trying to calm herself down. She had almost forgotten about Rachel's presence if it wasn't for the mortified feeling and she tensed when suddenly everything came back to her and she became aware of what had happened and that she had lost control completely.
"Quinn..." Rachel panted heavily, same as Quinn was doing, looking for all the oxygen she could find right now.
The blonde clenched her eyes shut and tried to shake off the feeling of Rachel's body against her body that slowly began to cloud her senses. "No, just… don't say anything" Quinn pleaded, being embarrassed. "I'm sorry, but it was your fault. If you hadn't provoked me like that..." she trailed off, words stuck in her throat, increasing the lump that was already there. "Shit, Rachel... Why do you always have to do that to me?"
Quinn threw her head back, resting it on the seat, unable to look her in the eyes. The kiss had not only stolen all the oxygen from her lungs, but also had removed every little bit of alcohol that had still been present in her body, making her a completely sober from one second to the other.
In her 18 years she had never felt so alive as in this very moment. Rachel had awakened a hurricane of feelings in her, but at the same time the pain killed her. She had had a taste of her dream, her desire, but nevertheless she knew she might never have the chance to have it again.
"Why did you do it?" Rachel asked with a low voice and extreme tenderness, as if she wasn't paying attention to Quinn's apologetical rant.
Quinn laughed in disbelief, shaking her head at the stupid question, but also at the memory that popped back into her mind in that moment… something that had taken place earlier that night, when Rachel had told her to make a wish... a wish that, maybe not in the right place and the right time, had become true.
"Because I like you, Rach…" she breathed out, giving her the most sincere answer, although not entirely sure that it was the right thing to do in that moment. "But don't worry, it won't happen again, I pro-"
"Oh, hell no... I can assure you right here and now that IT IS going to happen again, Quinn!" Rachel said, and realization hit her. The brunette was now the one who freed herself from her seat belt and crawled over to Quinn, straddling her, holding her between her own body and the seat, attacking her lips with so much desire and passion, mirroring the blonde's behaviour from a few minutes ago.
Hurricane Drunk . Florence + The Machine.
No hope, don't want shelter.
No calm, nothing to keep me from the storm
And you can't hold me down 'cause I belong to the hurricane… It's going to blow this all away.
I'm going out, I'm gonna drink myself to death.
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt… But I like to think at least things can't get any worse.
A/N: My mind likes to put images to some songs and that's how I came up with this. So many Faberry feelings plus the chance to get my own Faberry Heaven.
If you are currently reading my other story, It's Always Today, or if you had read Surreal But Nice you know that English is not my first language so if there's any mistakes in this, it's completely my fault, if it's good you should thank Anja, she is the best beta I could ask for!.
Whatever… What do you guys think? Hope you like it. X
Lucía.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Glee related. No copyright infringement is intended.