Title: Taking Back Sunday's 'You Know How I Do'
Lyrics: My Chemical Romance's 'Mama'
I'm writing this letter, and wishing you well.
Mama, we all go to hell.
If only she knew what I've done. Or maybe she does. She could be pulling off that whole act of stupidity. You know what I mean, that act that they're so good at. The one where they pretend not to know anything. Then they confront you about it at the worst possible moment. I hate that.
Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry.
Mama, we're all gonna die.
My mother had me when she was very young. About fifteen, since she became pregnant with me when she was fourteen. I wasn't a planned child, obviously. And she doesn't know that I know this, but she actually considered getting an abortion. Luckily, my birth father convinced her not to get one.
I could have been aborted. I might never had existed, had my mother decided to abort me. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know she loves me and all, but I feel like I'm a burden sometimes. As if she never wanted me in the first place. And it torments me so. Just thinking about that has fucked with my head so much. I don't know why I've never thought about it before. I might be acting childish, but I'm eighteen now. I'm a senior in high school. I'll be going off to college soon, if I'm lucky. At this rate, I might end up in jail.
It's parcially my fault, but Manuela Santos introduced me to the world of drugs. I really never thought she would go this far, but then again, you never know what to expect from that girl. I'm happy, though. When I'm high, it's as if nothing could go wrong. I feel guilty, but I love the way I feel so much…it's really the only time I'm ever happy nowadays. It started simply with pot. Not that harmful, silly, yes, illegal, yes, but not as harmful as what came afterwards. I was introduced to cocaine, oxycotton, ecstasy…my lord, all of them…incredible. Just incredible. Groovy. Amazing. I love it. I love them. I love…
I don't really know who I love anymore. My boyfriend broke up with me because of pot. He's not a fan. Whatever. Fuck guys. They're morons. I've always been unhappy around them. Ashamed. Ugly. Stupid. I've felt like I don't measure up to their desires. I've even stopped caring about the environment because of them and their drama…silly little whales. Silly little ravine. The ravine…many memories there. My first time getting high was there. Alex, and of course, Paige, were there…and now it's tradition for all four of us to meet up and smoke pot, pop pills and snort some cocaine. I'm surpised none of us are dead yet.
"God damn it, Emma. Pass it!" Manny said at me.
We were all at the ravine again, in the van that had once been for giving guys head. We were smoking pot again. We'd already done it twice earlier, but hell, the third time's a charm. We'd smoked about half of the blunt, and it had reached me finally. I had gone to take a drag, when something distraced me. Alex and Paige. They sat there kissing, like no one's business. Not that it was a bad thing, despite the fact that they are both girls. It just made me think. I thought about how much of a douchebag Peter had been...how Sean treated me like shit after we'd broken up BOTH times, and how Jay Hogart was just a dirtbag. Alex and Paige looked so happy together. It made me wonder.
What if I'm really a lesbian?
"Emma! God damn it! Give me the blunt! You're not even smoking it anymore!" Manny yelled at me. I snapped out it, and looked at her. The pot still remained in my hands, and she held out her hand. I still didn't pass it to her. Instead, I took her hand with my empty one and pulled her into a kiss.