Stef knew she'd gotten it wrong. She'd really messed up. She'd proposed, but her wife had done most of the preparations. She'd nodded when required and pulled manual labor when allowed, but other than help pick out the rings, and even that was mostly through nodding, she'd hardly lifted a finger. And Lena had noticed and she'd rightly called her on it. She had searched her soul and realized the problem lay with her father, and now she felt a little embarrassed and ashamed. But before coming back to Lena, she needed something. She'd worked out her problem with her dad and she felt ready to really assume one of her roles in life, wife to a woman. Not just any woman, the woman. Lena was everything she ever dreamed of and more than she ever thought she'd get. She was everything.
Stef felt the need to prove to Lena that their commitment to each other was real and that it was worthy of symbols and rituals. She wanted to bring something for the ceremony, something for later, for the two of them. Something she could wear, something for Lena to wear. She never wanted Lena to wonder again, to want. She'd hidden her desires for so long and Stef couldn't help but think that she'd somehow made Lena think that she couldn't approach her. She wouldn't lie to herself though. Stef knew that she was a bit abrasive, rash and quick to anger. She'd once heard a comedian say she had SARS, sudden anger response syndrome. That explained Stef to a T. She got angry and then wondered if she'd reacted the right way. So maybe Lena had known her opinion on marriage, but that's not really what Lena had known. Lena had only heard her fears about marriage.
All Stef had ever heard was that marriage was between a man and a woman. When she entered her relationship with Lena, she assumed those days were behind her. She and Lena were entering a new kind of relationship, one that didn't require society's approval. They knew and understood what they were building together and that's what mattered. After ten years, Stef knew that she wasn't going anywhere and neither was Lena. They were committed to each other and the life they had.
Proposing to Lena had been propelled by fear and love. She was afraid of losing Lena, death was knocking at her door and she had nothing to lose. She would do anything for Lena and knowing that she'd had this wish since before meeting her, made her want to throw up. She didn't want to be held in comparison to Gretchen at all. She was the woman who had denied Lena, Stef wasn't that woman. She was born to please Lena and she would do so, she would marry her. But as the day drew nearer, she realized how much she needed to overcome in order to make Lena's dreams come true.
She'd listened to Lena explain why marriage was so important to her. As Stef was recovering, Lena revealed the hurt of not fully belonging to the family, having different last names, listening to people refer to Mike as her husband. Lena needed recognition, the same that Mike had once gotten and that the law finally could give her. She needed the world to know that they belonged to each other, she needed to explain their relationship with one word, wife. Girlfriend was for children, and partner was for business situations. And Stef had agreed, she'd understood what Lena needed and why, but the thought of same sex marriage still had not sat well with her. She couldn't imagine saying she had a wife. She couldn't picture going through the ceremony and not hearing all those voices about how wrong, sinful and gross it all was. Yet, she felt nothing but love for Lena.
She knew the terminology, internalized homophobia, but she thought she'd dealt with that. She lived openly with Lena, everyone at work knew of her relationship and she proudly referred to herself as a lesbian. Yet, her father's words had been keeping her from fully realizing herself as a woman, as a lesbian. She'd internalized his words of hate and ignorance. That shame she felt each time she thought of pushing those long standing barriers, were her father's words firmly implanted in her. Thankfully, she'd worked it out in the end. Today she'd talked to her father, after realizing that he was the source of that fear.
But just because she'd realized the source, didn't mean she was immediately over it. Now, it was time to go through with it. Sitting here at the beach, a notebook in hand, she'd written her vows. She would communicate proudly what Lena meant to her. Words couldn't possibly explain everything that this woman was to her, but she would try. As she wrote them, she had to work through the rising panic within her. She'd say these sacred promises in front of everyone that mattered, perhaps even her father. She kept telling herself that they all knew she was gay and had no problem with a wedding or they wouldn't be coming. She couldn't deal with the negative thoughts when she herself was working through them, so she'd asked her dad only to come if he could fully support the wedding. She also realized that part of the problem for her was the vulnerability this entire ceremony would expose her to. People were used to tough Stef, the cop. In this ritual, she would be bare, a woman in love, desperately so, even after all these years. She would do it, she would do it for Lena.
Still, she felt that she needed to make it up to Lena. She'd been awful the past few weeks. Then and idea came to her, the last names. They had not gotten a chance to discuss that. She couldn't change Brandon's name, and she would want to keep Foster for his sake and for her identity. She could add Lena's name. Foster Adams. No, it didn't go well. Adams Foster, alphabetical and it had the added benefit of putting Lena first. Stef wanted to put her first, Lena who had never demanded much. Lena who had always given and given, never demanded. She wanted this, she wanted more ties to bind them, she wanted the world to know, Stef would give her this. Stef Adams Foster, Lena Adams Foster, Jesus Adams Foster, Mariana Adams Foster and without really meaning to the names Jude and Callie Adams Foster popped into her mind. She liked the sound of that. It surprised her how much she liked the idea of having Lena's last name. She liked belonging to Lena, and she did, mind and soul. It's just this way the whole world would know it.
Stef was feeling better about coming home. She couldn't come home to Lena without being fully ready to do this, the way she deserved. She didn't want to make her wait, she knew Lena would be at home worrying about her but she needed to make it right. She needed something else, something for the two of them, she needed to give Lena something, a physical symbol of her commitment. She could get new rings, rings that she would actively participate in selecting, instead of just agreeing. But, Lena had great taste and Stef loved the rings, she didn't she could do better. Maybe a necklace to match hers?
It was getting late, but Stef thought she knew of a jewelry store that was open late. A cop had to know all the neighborhood businesses and their hours. She would get this right for her soon to be wife. She was finding it easier to think each time, wife. Lena, my wife.
Meantime, Lena lay at home wondering when Stef would come home, if she'd come home. It had been early in the day when she'd taken off and the sun had set and still no Stef. Preparing dinner had been hard. She knew she had to go through with the motions. She had too many guests in the house. Luckily, Sharon was helping in more ways than one.
"You know how she is…" Sharon gently touched Lena's hand.
"I know…" Lena finished in a whisper. And she did, Stef sometimes needed time to herself to sort her mind out. She'd never not come home, not once. And she didn't think she'd start today. She had sent her a text early on. "Lena, I am taking care of some things." But that had been hours ago, she couldn't help but worry, but under the worry was anger too and that kept her from checking on Stef. The rage was fueling her work tonight and would need to carry her through dinner.
"She's somewhere sulking, but she'll do the right thing." Sharon tried to reassure again. Stef and Lena belonged together in a way that she hadn't ever witnessed before. She wanted this for her daughter. She needed to see her happy.
"The right thing for Stef," Lena couldn't help but blurt out her sarcasm. And immediately regretted engaging with Sharon in this manner. "I am sorry, I am just frustrated."
These were the two people in the world who understood Stef the best. And they both knew that she was infuriating, impulsive but so loving and loyal. Her good qualities outweighed the bad, by far. Lena just needed her to step up. She felt things shifting inside of her and she didn't know why… maybe it was Stef's brush with death, but Lena wanted to live her life, really live it. She wanted, she wanted. She wanted many things and she needed to let the world know. This wedding would be her dream wedding or it wouldn't be at all. She wasn't ready to leave Stef over it, but Stef had proposed. She had made that commitment and she needed Stef to live up to the bargain. If Stef didn't want to be married, they'd go back to the way things had been. But if they were doing it, it would mean something, it wouldn't be just for her benefit.
Sharon nodded and let the matter drop. She knew Stef had been angry the last time she'd talked to her and figured that she and Lena had gotten into it afterwards. Considering her daughter's words about wanting the wedding done and over with, she could gather that her daughter's reluctance was the cause of the fight. Her daughter was stubborn like her father. Stef hated that comparison. They were so alike though, and Sharon had seen it for so long. The difference was Stef was driven by an innate sense of right and wrong, grounded in kindness and fairness. Frank was driven by his church's sense of right and wrong, grounded in their opinion of God.
The kids gathered around the table, unaware of the tension in the room. But they were quick to point out the missing person. "Where's mom?" Jesus asked first.
Lena struggled with what to say before Sharon stepped in with a quick excuse, "she's doing some last minute shopping." Sharon wasn't aware how accurate her statement was. The kids nodded quickly and went on with the business of eating.
Mariana seemed particularly excited about the wedding and kept rattling on about the details. "Mama, are you still going to let me help you with the flowers in your hair?"
Lena smiled at her daughter and bit her tongue. She really wanted to say that she had no idea if there would be a wedding or not. Instead she reassured her daughter, "of course Mariana. I wouldn't want anyone else to help me with that." She felt warmth at the growing reconnection with her young daughter. They had been on the mend since Stef had been hurt. Lena could tell Mariana needed more from her but she wasn't sure how to do that. Only time would reassure her that she'd always be her daughter.
Sharon insisted on cleaning up and Lena didn't argue. She couldn't take the stress anymore and she needed some privacy. She went up to her room and laid down. She needed to exercise her patience. In so many ways, Stef was like another kid, one of the many she raised and taught. She tested her patience and her resolve. But Stef was also her rock, the one person she could turn to, the problem solver. She felt a little lost without her. She needed this. She needed Stef's commitment. She wanted to make sure everyone knew without a doubt, that their relationship was the most significant of Stef's life. Mike had that title and it was still benefiting him, she needed the same level of respect. Lena could feel her temper rise again and reached for a book. She was currently reading a book about best practices at school. This would surely bore her to tears, enough to calm her down.
When Stef came into the bedroom, she didn't know what she would find. She figured Lena would be pretty angry, but she knew she'd done the right thing. She felt certain and confident. They'd do this together, she could do this for Lena and mean it. She could be her wife and proudly proclaim to the world that two women could make a life together under god and the law. She approached Lena with caution, she'd learned about Lena's temper from years of living together. She could tell Lena was not really reading and her lip indicated anger, but also hurt. Lena was hurt and Stef was the cause. Something in Stef broke at that very moment and she realized how her demeanor over the years might have caused her soon to be wife pain. She wasn't as demonstrative as she could be. That would change this very day.
Stef waited patiently for Lena to join her in the moment, to let go a bit and meet her half way. When Lena lowered her book, she threw out her apology. She didn't expect the emotion coming through the tremble of her voice. "Of course I want to marry you." Then on the verge of tears, realization that she could not live without this marvelous woman, "I'd be crazy not to." And the honesty of her words snapped something in Lena who could do nothing but open her arms and welcome her home.
They hugged and celebrated by laughing and squeezing each other, rolling around on the bed. The tension of the day fled and they both knew that soon their lives would be more joined than they had ever been.
"I talked to my dad." Stef began the explanation that she needed to give her wife.
"Stef, it's ok, you don't have to tell me where you've been." Lena didn't want to push Stef. Having her back, fully back was enough. Stef's seldom seen vulnerability could get Lena to forgive anything.
"I do. I owe you an explanation." Stef sat up for a second, feeling ready to face her new life. "I had internalized a lot of my dad's words." Stef stopped and took one of Lena's hands in her own. "He has always been so negative about my life, my choices. I am a lesbian in love with a woman, a wonderful woman." Stef smiled and continued. "And I am proud of it, so proud and yet my dad's words, they echo in my head and today I finally realized that they affect me, they make me feel shame in the deepest part of me."
"Stef…" Lena couldn't say anything but take Stef in her arms. She held her tightly.
Stef pulled back, intent on continuing. "I am done, and part of it is like walking through fire. I have to live and do what I want, even if it makes me scared, makes me feel shame because once I do, I am rid of it, forever. And I want to be your wife, I want you to be my wife. I want the world to know it. I don't want there to be any doubt. I want your name with mine. I want us joined." Lena arched her eyebrows and urged Stef to continue. "I want our names to be Adams Foster."
"You and I?" Lena's heart soared and a smile spread across her beautiful features.
"Yes, Stef Adams Foster. Lena Adams Foster. I want it, I want it for the kids too. I want our kids to have both our names." She felt proud and so in tune with Lena. Their lives were truly intertwined now.
"Really?" Lena had not hoped for this, could not bear to be turned down in her desire to be as much a part of the family as anyone else.
"Really… we'll go to a lawyer. And maybe, while we're there, we could…" Stef was sure that Lena had reached the same conclusion earlier after Callie's trial. The kids needed a break.
Lena interrupted her, "adopt Callie and Jude?"
Stef hugged Lena because she knew they would always reach the same conclusions. Ultimately, their hearts were in the same place. They had the same priorities, they just reached them in different ways.
Stef pulled away once again, "I have something else." Lena's curiosity was piqued and she raised her eyebrows again. Stef continued teasing, a smile on her face, "I know I have been pretty bad." Lena laughed. Stef laughed too, "ok, really really bad, but I want you to know that this wedding means as much to you as it does to me. I am here for the long run and I want the world to know that you are my world." Suddenly, Stef became nervous, what if Lena didn't want to wear these… She sighed, "I bought these for us." She took out a small box out of her pocket. She'd had both pieces wrapped together and topped with a red bow.
Lena looked surprised, she carefully unwrapped the box and tears formed when she saw two matching bracelets inside. She knew instantly which belonged to whom. She took the gold bracelet with the garnet stones and examined it closely. She took the silver colored one, this one would be Stef's. The turquoise stone would more closely match Stef's wardrobe. She felt tears forming at the corner of her eyes, Stef never bought jewelry, not even for herself.
"You don't have to wear them…" Stef began, but was quickly stopped by Lena shaking her head. "I thought we could put them on after the wedding. You know I can't wear mine at work but as soon as I am out of uniform, I plan on wearing mine."
Lena couldn't help but stare at Stef's necklace and reach out to touch it. She knew Stef would wear her bracelet, much as she had worn her necklace all these years. That small chain had been a gift from Lena. She could never doubt Stef's commitment to the necklace or their relationship. Stef had never initiated this kind of symbolic gift. This was Stef, making an effort, letting Lena know that she was ready.
Stef approached Lena this time with a different intent. She'd never felt closer to her, even in all the years they'd been together. This day tomorrow, they'd be married. They'd shared many kisses in teen years, yet none was sweet as this, knowing that they were finally no barriers between them, legal or otherwise.