New school.
Joy.
Naruto felt the stares on him like flies on shit. It wasn't bad enough he had a cold on his first day, he also had to have his first day halfway through the year and now… now he's just an oddity again. It hadn't been a challenge enough in elementary school when he had had to tell people that no, he wasn't half-fox, no, not then.
The stares intensified into glares. He shuddered and ducked around a corner, hoping like fuck his locker was there. It turned out to be the B wing.
His locker, and homeroom, was in the D wing.
"Where's a guide when you need one…" He scratched his cheek, scratched the back of his head, looked around for a sign, any sign, and ended up staring at a blown up picture of what had to be the school's soccer team. Two of the guys had been situated in front of everyone else so that it was somewhat obvious they were the most important while making sure none of the rest of the team got insulted.
Naruto knew how that went; he'd been part of the basketball team at his old school. He'd gone from the back row to focus point in two years.
The one on the right had blue-black hair and really dark eyes, looking at the camera as if he'd be bored even if the world caught on fire. On the left was a guy a few inches shorter, soccer ball posed beneath his shoe, arms crossed, with shaggy red hair and oppositely pale eyes.
Naruto tried to find a smile somewhere in the poster. It was damn pitiful when he couldn't find one.
"Good morning, new student!"
"Gah!" That explained where his guide was. "Geez, don't sneak up on me like that!"
"Gosh, forgive me! I never meant to frighten you, I, I am so embarrassed… As punishment, I shall run thirty extra laps at practice today! … Or would you like to try and startle me back?" The boy tilted his head curiously at him. His huge black eyes widened even more and Naruto kind of thought…
Maybe…
That this kid was trying to be cute.
"Uh, no, it's good… Some warning would be good next time, though!"
"Yosh! Understood, Nnn…" he held up his schedule. Only then did the blonde realize that he had been bamboozled of his possessions and that they were held carefully in the guy's one arm. "Naruto Uzumaki! I feel we're going to be good friends, don't you? It must be the spring day, spring always brings the mood up! Ah, you're locker is in the D wing, hm, why are you all the way over here? No matter! As a newcomer, some leeway is necessary! Come! I'll help you get settled in!"
"Uhhh…"
"Yes?" He tweaked expressive eyebrows at him, walking (more like running) down the hall with Naruto forced to follow behind. The guy had a pretty strong grip on his wrist, there was no getting free.
"You mind introducing yourself?"
He stopped so suddenly, Naruto slammed into his back. "Of course! How rude of me, please, my name is Lee Rock! It's a pleasure to meet you, Naruto."
His hand was crushed by Lee's. He hid it well behind a strained smile. "Yeah, y-you too."
"Yosh! Now we're off, two friends on the bloom, to find where you belong in this great jungle of a school! If there is anything you would like to know, don't hesitate to ask, I will answer any question you have!"
"Any question?"
"Yes!"
"Are you on any pills, Lay?"
"It's Lee, and, no, I'm not. Good question, however! No such thing as a stupid question, I've been asked that question often!"
"Are you sure, Lie?"
"Lee. And, yes, I'm sure."
"Mind if I just call you Bushybrow? I can remember that 'cause of, uh…"
Those expressive eyebrows twitched. "Because of what?"
"H-hey, what's going on over there?" He had never before been so happy to see a mob in school.
"Gosh, they must be fighting again!"
"Who?"
Lee looked at him slowly with an air of trepidation so thick around him Naruto forgot to breathe. "The Fangirls."
"Huh? Who're the fangirls?"
"No! Not the 'fangirls', the 'Fangirls'. Can't you hear the capital F? They're an organized group of admirers."
"Geez, what are they fangirls of? Fine, Fangirls," he corrected quickly when Lee opened his mouth.
"That is difficult to say, there are branches within the Fangirls… But if I must, I would say a large number of them admire the two start soccer players!" Of course.
Naruto thought back to the two guys who had looked about as entertained as corpses. "What's so interesting about them?"
Lee hummed thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose Sasuke is aesthetically pleasing."
"Sasuke?"
"Yosh! Sasuke is – "
"You don't know who my husband is?" snarled a feminine voice and suddenly the mob as one being turned towards them.
"Your husband?" barked someone else, but that one person was drowned out by the sheer mass of "he belongs to me, bitch!"
Naruto and Lee took a hasty step back as a shirt went flying, then pants, then someone's panties. Naruto gawked. Wait, panties? What the hell were they doing in there?
"Halt!"
"Gah! Oh…" He blinked at the two girls behind him. One had bubblegum pink hair and the other blindingly yellow. Not blonde, not brunette, not even white, but it was yellow. No way were they natural hair colors. "Uh, what's up?"
Lee very carefully tugged him behind him, putting him closer to the mob and yet the feeling of hostility was actually dimmer from where he stood now.
"Sexual preference!" hissed the two girls in unison, badges on their left breast directly over their hearts saying:
CO-CAPTAINS
of
SASUKE FANCLUB
"What kind of question is that?"
Lee nudged him. "Just say straight."
"But I'm – …" Lee's eyes bugged at him, he flushed, and then a flash of understanding went through his huge eyes. He shook his head and gave the two girls a very wary look before glancing back at him, the message clear. Just say straight. "I like chicks, believe it!"
"For your sake, we're going to," growled the blonde.
The pinkette took out a picture and shoved it in Naruto's face. It took a moment for him to come into focus and when it did he had to fight back a blush.
"Could you turn gay for Sasuke Uchiha?"
How'd they get a picture of the soccer player naked? Naruto gulped. "Hell no! Geez, take that, that, uh… Take that out of my face, gorgeous!"
Lee patted him on the back. Well done.
"How about… this man!" The blonde took a turn to shove a picture of the redhead in his face, also naked. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lee turn away, tilt his head down, and hide a raging blush behind a hand.
What were the chances? Apparently, pretty fucking good. "How many times do I have to tell you? I'm straight! Believe it!"
"Sorry, kid," the pinkette grouched. "This is all protocol. We have five more pictures to go."
"What?"
Lee leaned into his ear. "Just go with it. Don't give anything!"
"R-right…"
This school, he thought to himself, is going to kill me!
.
There are rules everyone has to abide by in order to avoid the wrath of the Fangirls.
Rule number one, be straight. If you're gay, the chances of you stealing one of the men "represented" by the Fangirls are monumental considering that two of the "represented" men came out of the closet a year ago. By the power of their love alone, the Fangirls can make those men realize the greatness of the female body, the pleasures derived from their flesh and the beauty of their minds… But they can't make that happen if the men are already taken by other men.
So gays are a big no-no. The stench of homophobia yawns over a ten-mile radius with its origin being the high school. Anyone who comes out about being gay, well, no one really wants to talk about what happens to them. The things that happen to them makes the mafia look like a daycare center.
If you're a smart guy, you'll fall in love with a pair of boobies. That advice applies to smart girls as well. Lives will be saved.
Rule number two, if you're not registered with the Fangirls, you can't crush on the men represented by the Fangirls. If you are caught trying, you might as well be a gay guy.
Rule number three, if you are a registered Fangirl and you choose to defect to a different branch, for example, from Sasuke's Fanclub to Gaara's, you will be stripped of your Fangirl status and you will be treated as an outcast.
Rule number four, if you are a registered Fangirl and you choose to make an alliance with another Fangirl, for your safety it is required that the other Fangirl be from a different branch to avoid fighting over the same man. The only Fangirls allowed to create alliances within the same branch are the co-captains. That is only because their attempts to kill each other are usually futile and they have risen to the ranks of co-captains by being tough as nails. For example, a Fangirl of Shikamaru can connive with a Fangirl of Kiba to each get their man. Two Fangirls of Shikamaru can not plan to take the same guy together, even under pretenses of a threesome.
Rule number five, accidental or not, try and stay the fuck out of a Fangirl's way when she's on the scent of her crush. The school will not pay for any injuries received in the process and none of the teachers have the authority to overcome the Fangirls.
That is all.
.
Chouji Akamichi was not represented by the Fangirls. His best friend, however, was. Shikamaru Nara was one of the smaller branches, but either way the Fangirls had claim to him and it was really frustrating having the buddy he had had for life practically be owned by desperate girls.
They only liked him because he was smart… and really handsome… and, and wealthy! Well, he wasn't as wealthy as Neji or Sasuke or even Gaara. It was more like his family ran a deer farm and on the side Shikamaru's father worked as a strategist for top secret projects (that were never really top secret when it came to their town, but that was the story of every small town). So maybe it was the mystery that really got to the girls.
It didn't matter. Shikamaru was represented by the Fangirls. Chouji wasn't. Shikamaru and Chouji were on the Kyuubi football team. They shared the public showers together with the team. And, somewhere in the tiled walls, was always a Fangirl watching to make sure that no one stared at Shikamaru. Even a glance could be misread as homosexual desire.
Here's the kicker: Chouji was in love with his best friend. He had been since middle school! But things had come up and he'd been too shy to tell his awesome and smart and handsome friend that he really, really liked him more than friends should like friends. The day he'd thought he had had the courage…
Ino had dropkicked him and demanded to know his sexual preference. Damn it, Sasuke, why the hell did he have to lie and say he was gay? Chouji knew he was lying, he just wanted to get rid of his Fangirls! Then Gaara lied too and there were no chances of it being the truth because, at best, Gaara was asexual. That guy didn't look left or right when it came to sex, Chouji didn't even think he was human enough to understand the concept of it.
Hell, the guy proclaimed just about once every five months (it took about that long for him to build up the chatty mood) that he would never love anyone but himself and his two siblings. Fangirls just ate that up, though. They could imagine that special moment where they burrowed themselves into Gaara's frozen heart and got him to realize what it felt like to be in a woman's arms in the most intimate way possible…
Chouji could just cry about it, man. He could.
That wasn't the worst part, though, and the worst part had made him cry. A Fangirl of the Shikamaru branch had tricked him into admitting that he was in love with a guy. Chouji wasn't gay, or, maybe he was bisexual, but he had never personally thought of himself as gay.
By the next hour, "Chouji's a fat fucking FAG" was being chanted throughout the whole school. Shikamaru had actually hit a guy from the volleyball team across the face for spitting on Chouji. Once the Fangirls singled out someone, everyone wasn't far from following.
"Hey, Chouji, it's alright. I don't care if you're gay, I already figured that out for myself… Damn, those girls are so troublesome. I just want to live through high school and make it through college with you, y'know?"
Shikamaru made it really hard for Chouji not to love him. Chouji had never thought that he would have to try and stop loving him.
Then he started going home and graffiti was all over the outside of his home, rare species of butterflies started disappearing from the butterfly garden his family had raised for over a hundred years and their wings would end up taped to Chouji's locker, and, as if they hadn't tortured him enough, the Fangirls started actively trying to separate him and Shikamaru.
It began slowly, keeping them apart during the school day. Then they started keeping them apart during football, whether the games or practice.
It took coming home to FATSO FAG sprayed across his front door in thick angry letters for him to break down.
"Chouji? Chouji! What the hell happened here, Chouji, talk to me, man, talk to me!"
"S-Shika… I-I-I don't… can't… P-please, s-s-stop coming h-here…"
"… Chouji…"
The saddest part was that Shikamaru had looked as devastated as Chouji had felt. He had spent two more days trying to talk some sense into the Akamichi, had tried joking with him, giving him food, tried to protect him…
Then he looked around and must have gotten the hint. The only way to protect his best friend was to stop being his best friend.
Chouji Akamichi was not represented by the Fangirls. His ex-best friend, however, was.
Chouji didn't know it, but Shikamaru hurt just as much as he did.
.
Hinata Hyuuga was not a registered Fangirl. Kiba Inuzuka, however, was represented by the Fangirls. Neji Hyuuga, Hinata's first cousin, was also represented by the Fangirls. This gave Hinata some leeway into the world of represented men, considering that no one in Neji's branch wanted to commit love suicide by attacking her. It was agreed that Hinata, as long as she showed no interest in any of the represented men, could spend her time with them without facing the consequences any other girl would have.
The funny part was that Hinata didn't have a crush on any of the represented men.
Kiba Inuzuka, resident bad boy with all the studs and leather a bad boy needed plus having his best friend be a dog big enough for him to ride, was all set in the girls department. They went crazy over him, he took a few phone numbers, winked, walked off with them fawning over him…
And would always find himself blushing like crazy whenever he saw the delicate and shy Hinata, who would always see him a second before he would see her and smile so sweetly at him… "Hello, Kiba… are you having a good day?"
Oh, hell yeah. Any day around her was a good day, even the shitty days turned to sunshine and rainbows when he caught a glimpse of her. He could just imagine sweeping her off her feet, pressing in real close (not to feel her chest or anything…), and telling her just how much he fucking wanted her!
Neji Hyuuga was, however, a few minutes quicker than Kiba was. Neji Hyuuga, about four years back, had learned the value of what family he had left after years spent in anguish over the loss of his father. The value was this: Hiashi, AKA uncle, role model. Hinata, AKA cousin, little sister – therefore, stereotype LITTLE SISTER MUST REMAIN PURE FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY.
Hinata must not be dirtied by the hands of Kiba Inuzuka, resident bad boy with the humongous dog that always waited outside the school's front doors for him.
Neji must send Kiba Inuzuka to the hospital, not the nurse's office, with grievous injuries if caught even looking at Hinata.
Kiba Inuzuka, represented by the Fangirls, was not good enough for Hinata Hyuuga.
What the hell?
As far as the Fangirls would be concerned, it should go the other way around!
Kiba whimpered as Hinata swung around and her long fall of purple hair teased the small of her back as she breezed away. "Want… Want so fucking bad…"
A hand circled the nape of his neck, squeezing down till he felt the nerves begin to numb. A soft, low voice hummed into his ear. "Now you wouldn't be talking about my cousin, would you? No, you must be talking about your Fangirls."
"Ouch, man! Le'go!"
"Because if you were talking about my cousin and not your Fangirls, then you must want my cousin dead." Neji brought his other hand up, arched, two fingers pointed, and Kiba collapsed to the ground in a boneless pile as flashes of sensation danced up and down his frazzled spine. "Leave Hinata alone. She's too good for you."
Yeah, Kiba thought to himself as Neji walked over him and strutted after his loving cousin. I kinda figured that much.
.
Tenten was part of the Fangirl branch representing Neji Hyuuga. Tenten really didn't like it.
First of all, these girls were psychos. Second of all, it was like being in the middle of Nazi Germany. There were even POW camps in the boiler room, girls just going slowly insane in handcuffs because they had said something against Neji like "I love him with all my heart, but does he have to be so cold?" or "What if Neji's gay too?" Tenten herself had spent three hours in the boiler room before. They cranked up the heat and she had been forced into thirteen layers of clothing, left in the sealed off chamber for five hours before someone bothered to let her out.
All she had wanted to know was why they had to fight like animals. Shouldn't love be love? It should be Neji's choice, not theirs.
Had she had the time, she would have gone on to question the purpose behind the homophobia. So it was okay for all these girls to go freaking mad over these guys who could do without their insanity, but a guy or two gets mixed in and it's only now that the world ended for them? But she hadn't had the time.
Someone had taken a ruler to her head before she had even tried.
Tenten herself really hated the Fangirls. But she liked Neji more, especially when they had been thirteen years old, just playing in the gym together with Lee, Mr. Maito watching over them, and they had always talked about what their futures would be like.
This was not at all what she had envisioned.
She fixed the badge on her upper arm.
MEMBER
of
NEJI FANCLUB
She undid her hair and let the wavy tresses fall down her back to mid-shoulder. Neji Fangirls were required to have long hair. If they could grow it longer than a Hyuuga, because the Hyuuga family was prided on their long hair, they had a reason to gloat.
Tenten missed her buns. She missed the cute little ties she could use on them. She peeked at her feet. She missed being Neji's friend.
That was something the Fangirls didn't seem to get, though. The guys they wanted so badly… didn't want them. And the moment Tenten had given into the Fangirls, Neji had turned his back on her.
Well… At least Lee will never leave me.
.
Lee was there after every class to lead him to the next. First period, the teacher wanted to go on and on about where Naruto had come from, its history, his family, their history, and the other kids had just wanted him to shut the fuck up. Second period, the teacher couldn't care less but the students were practically all over Naruto, falling in love with him and his life. Third period, both teacher and students had wanted him to stop existing. Then again, the teacher had suggested that Naruto at least try the bunsen burner experiment. Luckily, he hadn't been held accountable for the three people who got minor burns or the seven books that caught on fire. They sure as hell held him accountable, but he escaped their wrath by the width of the hair and the science teacher wasn't going to punish him for something he hadn't been there to learn about.
Lee led him to fourth period and all Naruto wanted to do was fall down and die. "This school sucks."
"Naruto, you can't say that! You've only been here a few hours, you haven't had time to properly judge this temple of learning!"
"Oh yeah? How do you feel about this 'temple of learning'?"
Lee sputtered and looked away guiltily.
"Yeah, that's what I thought!"
"It is only because of the oppression," Lee was saying to himself. "Yosh, if the school could learn to be more accepting, warmer in perspective…"
Naruto blocked out the rest of what he said because some asshole chose that moment to knock into him and then keep going without apologizing. "Hey, you bastard! When you push someone, you say you're sorry!"
Dead silence. The droves of students milling around stopped dead and dozens of eyes turned onto Naruto like the screams of banshees.
The asshole that had knocked into him turned around to face him, looking about as happy as someone who had had their life raped by tragedy would. "Who are you talking to, idiot?"
Oh, shit. Naruto gawked. This was Sasuke Uchiha. Then he realized he had just been insulted and it didn't matter that this guy had quadrillion Fangirls on his tail, watching over him like fanatic guardian angels wanting his precious baby juice. "I'm talking to you! What, you think you're too important to say 'sorry'? C'mon, try it with me, it's not that damn hard."
"Narutooo," Lee hissed in his ear. "This is not the time to end your existence, you still have so much youth left in you!"
"I don't have to say I'm sorry, you should have to for being in my way."
"Oh, geez, forgive me your asshole-iness! Forgive me for using the same fucking hall as you!"
Sasuke looked ready to kill. Naruto felt ready to pommel. "You're not forgiven."
"Bastard, I was being sarcastic. Ever heard of it before?"
The raven grabbed him by his throat and Naruto returned the favor, foreheads bashing together as they glared at each other. "Do you want to die, idiot?"
"No, but I feel the need to fight!"
"Listen carefully, I don't want this to be lost on the single brain cell that must be in your head. Don't. Start. S-"
Lee made the weirdest sound Naruto had ever heard and then he realized that his guide had accidentally fallen against him. He was falling forward… Sasuke couldn't get free in time, he was falling too, legs bending while Naruto's stretched. Somehow, the height difference made for an epically awkward landing.
Lee was the only one who didn't see what was the beginning of Naruto's personal hell. He was trying not to react to the redhead floating by.
Everyone else saw, though.
Sasuke tasted like cold.
.
"Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me! Naruto, I am so sorry, I was just… it was only… No! I will not make any excuses for myself, I will instead ask that you choose my punishment! YOSH, whatever you say, I shall do!" Lee followed after him like a desperate puppy. Every once in awhile, he snagged a flying piece of garbage aiming right for Naruto.
Damn, news went around fast.
"It's okay, Bushybrow." It really wasn't. "I'll live." Why couldn't these crazy bitches understand that it had been an accident? "Hey, where're having lunch?"
Lee pointed in a vague direction, still apologizing like he had just he had done the worst possible thing a person could do to another, and Naruto had to scan the corner three times before he thought he saw what Lee was pointing at.
There was a, er, gifted woman to one side with long purple hair and pale eyes, another girl with a badge on her one upper arm, and a heavyset guy to the first girl's right.
Lee trotted past Naruto and confirmed his suspicions.
"Hinata, Tenten, Chouji, meet Naruto! He is new here and I want all of you to give him a nice, warm welcome!"
The girl with the badge suddenly found something really interesting to look at on her foot. Chouji coughed into his hand. "She can't acknowledge you 'cause of the stunt you pulled today. It's against Fangirl code."
"DAMN IT, it was just an accident!"
The first girl smiled gently. "I believe you… S-Sasuke isn't known f-for kissing strangers. It would have had to be an a-accident."
"Oh my god, thank you!" He smooched her forehead. She turned a healthy shade of red and collapsed sideways into the surprised Chouji's arms. "Hey, is she okay?"
"She'll be fine," Lee chirped. "Anyhow, that's Hinata. She is Tenten."
"What the hell are you all doing over here?" There wasn't anyone else for two tables. It felt like being stranded in the middle of the desert.
Lee nudged Naruto and whispered into his ear, "Chouji came out about being gay and Neji has entrusted me with the safety of his cousin. Tenten is here because we have been friends for years."
"That's all? Then can't you guys move over a table or something?"
Lee shook his head sadly.
"I can hear you two, y'know," Chouji grouched. Hinata stirred in his arms. "It's not nice to talk about people behind their backs."
Lee petted the pudgy guy's back. "Forgive me, Chouji, I never meant to offend you."
"… I know."
"W-what happened?"
"YOSH! Now that everything is back in order, let's eat!"
Naruto was about to, because let's face it, he was starving after all the bullshit he had had to go through…
But someone had ordered steaming hot soup that fateful lunch period and had decided that they really didn't want to eat it as much as watch it burn the fuck out of Naruto.
"SON OF A BITCH!"
"NARUTOOO! Chouji, quick, HELP!"
"O-oh no!"
Tenten very carefully tried to hide beneath the table as Fangirls started laughing. And when the Fangirls started something, everyone else had to follow.
Lee glared at them. "You think harming a fellow pupil is funny? You could have seriously hurt him! Surely there is one among you more mature than this."
Chouji was half-carrying, half-dragging Naruto to the nurse's office, the blonde cursing and seething and literally blistering on his arm.
Just before they left the cafeteria, Naruto looked up. Who else to look to but the damnable Sasuke Uchiha? He snarled and Sasuke glared back. "This isn't my fault, you idiot."
"What? Wasn't blaming you! Even though I really, really should… No, I blame you for the Fangirls, bastard! Fucking asshole…"
Chouji was finding the floor to be a really fascinating place to stare as he all but shoved Naruto out of the lunch room and down the hall. His face was pasty white and, if Naruto could focus well enough through his burning eyes, he kind of thought that maybe Chouji was trying not to cry.
If he hadn't been in so much pain, he would have wondered why.
.
Lee stayed behind to play the mightiest guilt trip since Chouji on the Fangirls. Somehow, he and Hinata were gifted with the power to speak to the organization without being murdered.
He and Hinata were the only reasons why Chouji hadn't been altogether driven out of town. Since he had made the agonizing decision to leave Shikamaru, the Fangirls had abated and left him to himself, though not without the occasional evil eye but, still! Progress!
"He is a new student and you are giving this school a terrible name by treating him as you are! I'm sorry for your loss, I know you all wanted Sasuke's first kiss – but listen to me!" he yelled when a roar of agreement and rage rose up. "It was an accident. Naruto would not have ended up in that position had I not accidentally stumbled into him…" he waited for them to stop throwing their lunches at him, the epitome of patience. They had to stop eventually. He was Lee Rock, resident Nice Guy. Not even the Fangirls could hate him.
Or, at least, they couldn't hate him for as long as they didn't know his secret.
"Forgive me! Now, please, I want whoever threw that soup to apologize to Naruto! … Ino, I know it was you, do not try to play it off as her. Lying is bad, you know! If you have done something, bad or good, you should always take credit for it. Oh, but you were so happy at the time when you did it, now you can not even meet my eyes? Oh, Ino, the pain you cause me…"
He put his hand on his hip and threw his forehead into his other palm, shoulders sagging. "Whatever shall I do with you all?"
Lee Rock, for being resident Nice Guy, was not represented by the Fangirls. For one, he apparently didn't score high on the looks category. For another, he wasn't nearly as wealthy as all the other men represented. Even Kiba's family brought in more money per year than Lee and his uncle did. But then, the true reason was that the Fangirls had come to the conclusion that Nice Guys had to be nice to everyone. And the men represented by the Fangirls… usually didn't get that choice.
So Lee Rock, resident Nice Guy, was more like the mother hen of the school.
Ino came up and hugged him, the highest regard a Fangirl could give to a guy not represented, and then moped her way to the nurse's office, grumbling fiercely beneath her breath.
Lee nodded to himself, a job well done. And then, just to be safe. "Sakura, will you go out with me now?"
"NO!"
Hinata sighed and peered under the table. "You can come out now, T-Tenten…"
"Thanks."
"I suppose now I should go check on Naruto," Lee was saying to himself. "I am his guide after all, and the nurses don't have his emergency cards yet! Ah, but I have his stuff, maybe he has his parents' phone number somewhere in here…"
Hinata slapped his hand way gently. "D-don't go snooping through other people's stuff, Lee." She smiled when he pouted at her. "Whatever shall I do with you?"
.
Mr. Umino was represented by the Fangirls. There were three things really wrong about that. One, Iruka was a teacher. Two, Iruka did not support teacher-student relationships! And, three, Iruka was married.
The Fangirls would try to lie for him. Iruka had heard the "but you kept your own last name, so you must be lying" excuse so many times, it wasn't even funny. He couldn't help it, his husband (yes, his husband) had actually supported his decision to keep his surname.
Iruka Umino. Take the name apart carefully now; Iruka meant "dolphin", and Umi- meant "sea". Rearrange it and Umino, Iruka meant "sea dolphin", or keep it as is, and it meant "dolphin in the sea". Now how would it look if his last name was Hatake? Hatake meaning "field"? Well, he had never seen any living dolphins in a field before, at least not outside a pool.
"My little dolphin~" his husband would purr as he ignored his work in favor of disrupting Iruka's.
The teacher blushed at the very memory of it. Asshole. As a college professor, it would have been thought that Kakashi would have some maturity! But, no, he was like a hormonal five year old! Iruka grumbled to himself as he dodged an airborne heart.
He had to be married to a pervert who went around the whole day reading Icha Icha Paradise, about the most lewd thing on the planet, and Iruka was hounded by lovesick teenagers with the hearts of hungry wolves!
Classes changed, mercifully, forcing seven of his admirers out of his room and only one back in. And… hello…?
He smiled at the new student who came up to him, gauze over the left side of his face and hair wet. He held a plastic bag in one hand and a note in the other, which he handed to Iruka.
"Welcome…" he glanced at the note, "Naruto! Have you had a good first day here?"
The blonde snorted. "Yeah, it's been great, Mister, uh…"
"Umino. Mr. Umino."
"Yeah."
"What happened to you, if I may ask?"
Naruto winced. "Soup accident."
"Soup accident? All over your – oh." He thought of the lengths the Fangirls would go to and felt a righteous wave of fury ignite in his heart. "Oh." He despised how they could get away with just about anything. But there was really nothing he could do. Nothing that would work against them, anyway. "Well, why don't you take a seat next to Sasuke and we'll –"
"Sasuke!" The blonde whipped around and the Uchiha lifted his head to glare mutinously at the new student. "You bastard, are you following me?"
"Following you? I was here first, idiot, why are you following me?"
"Hey, teach! I want transferred out of this class, I'm not gonna stick around with that bastard!"
"Naruto, language!" Temporary silence fell and Iruka was so happy… so very happy… that the Fangirls were in too much shock to retaliate immediately. And they were there, about a dozen, creating a distant circle around the Uchiha because, quote, "we're not pure enough to be near him!", unquote. If he was lucky, they'd snap out of it after leaving his class. "I am not going to transfer you to another class and you are going to sit next to Sasuke!"
Especially now. Iruka had never met anyone who fought Sasuke like this and though he feared for the wellbeing of his class… it would be nice to see the Uchiha react to something, anything, to anyone. Even in rage.
Both boys turned towards him with the ominous air of murder. "What?"
"You heard me, the both of you. Naruto, take your seat! Girls, put those weapons away!" Iruka pounded his ruler against the Promethean board. "Write this down! NOW!"
Naruto, in his seat as far away from Sasuke as he could get, raised his hand. "I need a notebook."
"Well, you should have come prepared."
"C'mon, teach!"
"And it is Mr. Umino. To work!"
.
Naruto met up with Lee after class, fuming and feeing dirty. "He put me down right next to Sasuke, can you believe that? Bushybrow? Bushybrow!" His guide was staring at his feet, blushing red like a banner. "What the hell, man?"
Lee fidgeted with his fingers, paused. Rotated his shoulders, paused. Tried running down the hall, paused. Curled into himself, paused.
Nobody watched the spectacle that was Lee Rock. They walked around him instead, leaving Naruto in lonesome awe of the strange guy that was his first friend at this fucked up school.
Lee spun around, stared at him, paused. Smiled, frowned, cried, paused. Grabbed his hand, let it go, paused. Frowned, paused.
He finally decided what to do with a determined expression, grabbing Naruto by his coat and dragging him into the nearest boys' bathroom. He shoved him into the handicap stall and followed in after him. "Gaara talked to me!"
"… Huh?"
"He spoke to me, h-he asked me about… about something!"
"What'd he ask you about?"
Lee's spastic grin started to fade. "I, I don't know."
"What do you mean, you don't know?"
"I think I… I think I ran away before he could ask."
"Why the hell would you do that?"
"I have to, I can't control myself around people I have a crush on, I become very romantic and… and loud."
"What does that have to do with –" an image of the Fangirls popped into his mind, watching as Lee ripped off his clothes (bad image) and begged Gaara to take him (creeping the fuck out of Naruto). "You're screwed."
"I know…"
"Geez, and I thought I was having a bad day."
"I never said I was having a bad day! I got to meet you and talk to Gaara and spend time with my dear friends! Also, Ino hugged me. That is a plus! By the way, did Ino apologize to you?"
"Who?"
"The blonde who interrogated you this morning."
"She was gonna apologize to me?"
"Oooh, that Ino! She said she was going to apologize! I will have to talk to her about that."
"So you're having a great day and I'm having the day from hell."
"I am sorry…"
"I just wanna go home, Bushybrow."
"In another two hours, you shall have your wish! For now, you must prevail!" The bell signaling the beginning of the next class went off. Lee blushed. "For now, we must get you where you need to be!"
"Bleh."
.
Where he needed to be was in some hot chick's room, sitting next to a guy he was pretty sure he had seen naked earlier that morning. He was the one who looked about as lazy as he acted, except Naruto kind of got the feeling that he was pissed off too. Any girl who came near him suffered under his pointed glare.
"Dude, what's your problem?"
"You're the new kid, right?"
"My name's Naruto!"
"Naruto, if there's one thing you're going to learn in this backwards school district, it's that everyone has a problem." The bell went off and the guy stormed to his feet, showing a lot more energy now than when he had first slumped into it. "So stay off my case, would you?"
Naruto watched the guy stalk off, pushing past Lee who was already waiting in the doorway. Lee frowned, turned towards him, and then suddenly flashed into the room, brazen red in the face. "Crush in the hall?" he asked dryly. Lee squeaked in reply. "Geez, what's with everyone here? It's like you're the only person here not an asshole!"
"Oh, that's not true… Chouji is very sweet once you get to know him! And… Ah, that was Shikamaru just now. He – well, he used to be very kind."
"What happened to him?"
"Fangirls."
They happened to everyone, obviously.
"Anyone else?"
"Well~ Gaara."
"Really? He seems like a class one asshole." Lee's expression became dark. Scary dark. Naruto actually backed away out of fear. "Y'know what, though? I don't really know the guy, so maybe there's something jus peachy about him underneath all that asshole-iness."
The dark look didn't let up. "Hey, look, there he is now, I'll go ask him if…" Lee really was fast. One minute he was there, before a second went by he was gone! Kind of like magic except he could practically feel the heat of his blush berating him. Naruto grinned… right up until he realized he had no freaking clue where he was. "Son of a bitch!"
"Naruto?" a familiar voice piped from behind him.
"Huh? Oh, hey, it's you! Uuhhh…"
The swirlies on the guy's tattoo inflated as he puffed out his cheeks. "Chouji. I'm Chouji. What are you doing here alone, I thought Lee was showing you around?"
"He was till I said… Well, hey, that doesn't matter! Y'know where this class is?"
Chouji peered at his schedule. "Is that a penis?"
"I got bored in study hall, okay? Geez!"
The fluffy teen coughed into his fist. "A-anyway… yeah, this is where I'm heading."
"Really? Cool!" He wrapped an arm around the guy's shoulders, dragging him into side, or more like he dragged himself into the guy's side. "It's great that there'll be at least one less douche!"
Chouji mumbled something under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Two less douches."
"Huh? Is Bushybrow in that class too? Oh, wait, Hinata! … Tenten?"
Chouji was still caught on that first one, if his dumfounded expression was anything to go by. "Bushybrow…?"
"Yeah, uh, Lei?"
"… You mean Lee?"
"Yeah, him! Alright, which one's there?"
"None of them."
"… So there's someone else…?"
"Yeah…"
"You gonna tell me who?"
Chouji looked down and away. "Just… don't call him a douche."
"Who's he?"
"Doesn't matter, just don't call him a douche!"
"How can I not call him a douche if I don't know who he is?"
Chouji stopped. Naruto was jerked to a stop with him. "Why would you call him a douche if you don't know who he is?"
"'Cause everyone at this school's a douche as far as I've seen… except for you, Bushybrow, Hinata, and… wait, I can't be sure about Tenten. Hell, I can't be sure about you either! Or Hinata… huh. But at least I know you guys. Sort of."
They dodged into their class, just a few seconds before the bell went off.
The first thing Naruto noticed was that the teacher was smoking. That wasn't allowed, was it? Naruto frowned. The air stank of smoke and nicotine. "Take a seat, both of you," the teacher growled. His gaze flickered to Chouji then he looked back down at whatever test he was grading.
Checking out the room, that asshole who had told him to mind his own business in sixth period was watching Chouji without looking as pissed as he had earlier. Next to him was a guy with tribal markings and, yeah, Naruto was pretty sure he had seen him naked too that morning.
The dude with the tribal markings blinked at him. "Yo! Who's the new kid, teacher?"
Chouji slunk into his seat like he wanted to disappear and Naruto scowled as the smoker waved the dude away. "Name's Naruto Uzumaki! Who're you?"
"Kiba! Hey, aren't you the dipshit who kissed Sasuke?"
"Who're you calling dipshit?"
"You, dipshit! Only a dipshit would kiss that asshole!"
"You wanna fight, asshole!"
"Bring it, blondie!"
"OI! Both of you, sit your asses down!"
Naruto flinched and all but fell into Chouji's lap. There wasn't another empty seat anywhere nearby and he didn't feel like getting on the teacher's nerves. Not yet, anyway. Not with him glaring like that.
He snuffed out his cigarette and gave Naruto a level stare. "Name's Mr. Sarutobi, in case you didn't check out the nameplate outside. And I'm going to be your worst nightmare if you don't learn to behave in my class."
.
Naruto slammed through his front door, angry and happy and thinking about how fucked up his life was at the moment.
Then his mom was suddenly there, arms open, grin huge, and Naruto ran right into her embrace. "My baby! Naruto~ how did your first day go? Were the other kids nice to you? Did you meet a nice boy? How many friends did you make? Why is your face burned?"
Now, how best could he say that the school was run by fanatics? How did he say that he had had a folder of naked guy pictures shoved in his face, kissed an idol, made friends with a guy who can't get within ten feet of his crush, had soup thrown at his face, and was pretty damn sure that he wasn't going to survive the year?
"Don't worry about it, mom. I had a pretty good day. I made some really strange friends!"
She frowned, obviously not convinced. A demon could be found in the pit of her eyes, flashing fangs and snarling and Naruto knew that she just wanted to maul whoever hurt him.
"Really, mom, don't worry about it. Hey, where's dad?"
"He's –"
A yellow smudged flashed down the hall and he and his mom were crushed in a man's arms, held like they would disappear if he didn't squeeze them hard enough. "My baby! And my baby's momma! Hey, son, how'd your day go? Wifey, you're looking gorgeous, I could just – mm! – could just eat you up right here…"
His mom giggled and with his face squished against his dad's breast, he could only imagine what was happening between his parents.
He wriggled and fought and cried out but his dad didn't even notice as the giggling reached a climax and his mom finally punched Minato, his dad, in the face.
Naruto watched him flail backwards and then fall on his bum, looking up at Kushina, his mom, with hurt eyes. "Y-you hit me!"
"You were endangering my baby's innocence!"
He managed to escape the squabbling couple, knowing it was nothing serious. It never was. They were so in love, Naruto had to wonder just how long the Honeymoon phase of life was.
But that was his family and he was okay with that. Hell, he wouldn't be anywhere else in the world, given the choice!
Except, he amended, he wouldn't mind being at a different school.
Naruto fingered his lips. That bastard, he stole his first kiss and he got the heat for it? Yeah, he'd definitely be somewhere else than at that hellhole.
But Naruto Uzumaki wasn't known for giving up. Naruto Uzumaki was known for fighting back. He was known for getting into people's hearts.
He was going to beat this fucked up school into shape! BELIEVE IT!