My Parody of Snape and the Chocolate Cake
(Since laughing my butt off at this unintentionally funny so-called story by a teeny bopper on Fanfiction.net in 2001, I've been compelled to play it to the hilt. Warning: heavy sarcasm and irreverence alert)
Deep in the dungeons of Hogwarts lives a Potions teacher named Severus Snape. Merciless, badass, dark and grim...and also a sucker for chocolate. When the books and cauldrons are put away, and the last student kicked (sometimes literally) out of detention, our former Death Eater slinks away into his private room to be a Chocolate Cake eater. The song "Junk Food Junkie" was written with Snape in mind. If Sneaky Snake likes root beer, and the snake is coincidentally the symbol for Slytherin, then why is it illogical to assume that a Slytherin is too badass to like chocolate cake as well? Even Dumbledore dosen't know why the house Elves have been working overtime.
Tonight, we can find Snape sitting on his bed staring at his eagerly-awaited cake like his former boss Voldemort stares triumphantly at his victim just before he kills him. Snape's eyes water with anticipation, his hands trembling. He needs his fix. The house Elves scuttle away in disgust, thankful to take leave of the gorging scene. He plunges face first into the seven-layer mass and makes very undignified, un-Slytherin-like noises.
"MRAAMMMMMMCHOMCOMUMMMMMMMM!!!!"
The portraits on the wall grumble in disgust. Snape looks up with his face smeared with chocolate, looking like a toddler in a highchair, and impatiently turns them around. He mutters curses, spraying crumbs and spittle everywhere. He falls asleep, face first, in the chocolate mess, drunk with a sugar high...and dreams he's walking through the corridors with the cake tray and wearing nothing but boxers. He's doing uncharachteristic things like belching and scratching himself. He is still eating the cake too, like a pig at a trough, his wild greasy black hair swinging to and fro. The sugar builds up in his gut and he farts: PPPPPPBBBBBBTTTTTT!!!!! It's so loud and foul that fire shoots out and singes the top of Harry Potter's hair as he walks by. Draco is the next to see him, and he practically has a seizure he's trying so hard to keep from laughing.
"P-Professor!(squelches snicker by pretending to cough) Are you all right?" Crabbe and Goyle try to dive for the cake, but Snape brandishes his wand and stops them in their tracks...literally. Snape seems totally unaware that anything is amiss...his lack of clothes, his bodily functions, his chocolate smeared face, the wild look in his eyes.
"I'm quite all right, Draco. Run along."
"MMMRAAAAOWWWRRRRMMMMMMMPHPHPHHHHH!!" goes Snape into the cake again.
"URRRRRRRRRRRPPP!" goes the cake.
Snape walks noisily up to the Headmaster's breakfast table to join his fellow professors, who all stare at him in shock...and great amusement....or is it disgust? It's hard to tell with the twitching mouths and sounds of repressed hilarity. He dives continuously into his precious cake without regard for them or himself, spraying crumbs everywhere and drooling like a chocolate fountain.
"Wif this cake, I fsall rule the worgld!" he proclaims with his mouth so full he looks like a pregnant Scabbers.
"Shall I countercurse him Dumbledore?" suggest Minerva, not sounding as if she really wants to at all.
"I should think the Professor would like to have his cake and eat it too, Minerva." Dumbledore answered with a twinkle in his eye.
Suddenly, there was an unexpected interruption in the cake-eating marathon. Snape started to change. He looked up from eating, froze with his mouth open, and promptly changed into a bat...a chocolate bat, at that! One that couldn't even fly! Snape awoke with a scream, dislodging cake through both his mouth and nose. He took one look at the cake, and threw it across the room. His chocolate eating days were over.
"Sir?" piped up a timid voice in the dark from near the bed. It was Snape's house Elf. "Would you like breakfast in bed, Sir?"
He was holding up a chocolate cake.
"GET OUT! GET OUT!!!"
(Since laughing my butt off at this unintentionally funny so-called story by a teeny bopper on Fanfiction.net in 2001, I've been compelled to play it to the hilt. Warning: heavy sarcasm and irreverence alert)
Deep in the dungeons of Hogwarts lives a Potions teacher named Severus Snape. Merciless, badass, dark and grim...and also a sucker for chocolate. When the books and cauldrons are put away, and the last student kicked (sometimes literally) out of detention, our former Death Eater slinks away into his private room to be a Chocolate Cake eater. The song "Junk Food Junkie" was written with Snape in mind. If Sneaky Snake likes root beer, and the snake is coincidentally the symbol for Slytherin, then why is it illogical to assume that a Slytherin is too badass to like chocolate cake as well? Even Dumbledore dosen't know why the house Elves have been working overtime.
Tonight, we can find Snape sitting on his bed staring at his eagerly-awaited cake like his former boss Voldemort stares triumphantly at his victim just before he kills him. Snape's eyes water with anticipation, his hands trembling. He needs his fix. The house Elves scuttle away in disgust, thankful to take leave of the gorging scene. He plunges face first into the seven-layer mass and makes very undignified, un-Slytherin-like noises.
"MRAAMMMMMMCHOMCOMUMMMMMMMM!!!!"
The portraits on the wall grumble in disgust. Snape looks up with his face smeared with chocolate, looking like a toddler in a highchair, and impatiently turns them around. He mutters curses, spraying crumbs and spittle everywhere. He falls asleep, face first, in the chocolate mess, drunk with a sugar high...and dreams he's walking through the corridors with the cake tray and wearing nothing but boxers. He's doing uncharachteristic things like belching and scratching himself. He is still eating the cake too, like a pig at a trough, his wild greasy black hair swinging to and fro. The sugar builds up in his gut and he farts: PPPPPPBBBBBBTTTTTT!!!!! It's so loud and foul that fire shoots out and singes the top of Harry Potter's hair as he walks by. Draco is the next to see him, and he practically has a seizure he's trying so hard to keep from laughing.
"P-Professor!(squelches snicker by pretending to cough) Are you all right?" Crabbe and Goyle try to dive for the cake, but Snape brandishes his wand and stops them in their tracks...literally. Snape seems totally unaware that anything is amiss...his lack of clothes, his bodily functions, his chocolate smeared face, the wild look in his eyes.
"I'm quite all right, Draco. Run along."
"MMMRAAAAOWWWRRRRMMMMMMMPHPHPHHHHH!!" goes Snape into the cake again.
"URRRRRRRRRRRPPP!" goes the cake.
Snape walks noisily up to the Headmaster's breakfast table to join his fellow professors, who all stare at him in shock...and great amusement....or is it disgust? It's hard to tell with the twitching mouths and sounds of repressed hilarity. He dives continuously into his precious cake without regard for them or himself, spraying crumbs everywhere and drooling like a chocolate fountain.
"Wif this cake, I fsall rule the worgld!" he proclaims with his mouth so full he looks like a pregnant Scabbers.
"Shall I countercurse him Dumbledore?" suggest Minerva, not sounding as if she really wants to at all.
"I should think the Professor would like to have his cake and eat it too, Minerva." Dumbledore answered with a twinkle in his eye.
Suddenly, there was an unexpected interruption in the cake-eating marathon. Snape started to change. He looked up from eating, froze with his mouth open, and promptly changed into a bat...a chocolate bat, at that! One that couldn't even fly! Snape awoke with a scream, dislodging cake through both his mouth and nose. He took one look at the cake, and threw it across the room. His chocolate eating days were over.
"Sir?" piped up a timid voice in the dark from near the bed. It was Snape's house Elf. "Would you like breakfast in bed, Sir?"
He was holding up a chocolate cake.
"GET OUT! GET OUT!!!"