Author's note: I really don't know if I'm gonna go anywhere with this story, so I'll just leave it marked as incomplete for now. That being said, if anyone has any ideas for fun things they'd like me to do, leave a review and I'll see if I can make it work.
Also, I'm really sorry if anyone is offended by this cracky ball of cracky-ness. It's just, I was reading fanfics one night and suddenly I thought "Hey, countries aren't the only groups that have associated stereotypes. What else could I do?"
In retrospect, the nations should have known it was going to be a bad day when America burst into the meeting room chasing an angry middle-eastern teenager. Especially since said teenager had been carrying numerous cans of Coke and a pack of Mentos. America grabbed the teen just before they could dive under the table, snagging the boy's arm and picking him up off the ground.
"Ha! I've got you this time!"
The boy grinned dangerously. Biting a Mentos out of the package, he opened a bottle of Coke with one hand and spat the mint in, aiming the bottle at America's face. The cola exploded with a sound like a gun going off. America swore and dropped the boy, who immediately ran over to a window and threw it open.
"I got the infidel ass! Come on in!"
Since America was nursing bruises and a bloody nose, the nations turned to the intruder for an explanation. The teenage boy gave a smug smile and a mocking bow.
"Good morning! My name is Islam. My… associates and I will be joining the fun today, as our oppressor has been momentarily neutralized."
Seconds later the doors burst open again, a flood of teenagers entering. Except with Islam's revelation of his identity there was no way these were normal teenagers; no, they were the one set of beings the nations feared most of all. The religions of the world. Luckily they appeared to be in a good mood for once, as their levels of chaos were only on par with a fight between England and France.
The first to enter, a fox-faced youth wearing a yarmulke, immediately strode over to Germany and kicked him in the shin. Judaism then grabbed Italy's surrender flag and proceeded to beat Germany over the head with it, muttering in Yiddish all the while. Eventually Germany had enough and pushed the boy away.
"For ze thousandth time, I'm sorry! You know I wasn't in control of my actions at the time you dummkopft; why don't you go try to con Switzerland out of some money or something?"
That idea caused Judaism to pause. He did like money. So he cracked Italy's surrender flag once more over Germany's head, extra hard, and left to go discuss finances.
Meanwhile Jehovah's Witness was chasing Sealand around. The micro-nation (who had snuck in again) was nearly being buried by the pamphlets his pursuer kept throwing.
"Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour?"
Buddhism, usually the most peaceful of the religions, suddenly accosted Germany. The blonde nation sighed. His new tormentor was much harder to distract than Judaism. Luckily he didn't usually hit people.
"Brother Germany, have you yet awakened to the memories of your last life?"
Germany groaned. "Nein. Und I do not vish to. Please leave me alone about zis."
"Oh, but Brother Germany, if you would only open your eyes it would prove so beneficial to you! There is one who you loved then who would love you now if only you'd open your heart to him. Please Germany; it is for your own good."
Across the room, two more religions were engaged in what appeared to be a tug of war over England. One was a young lady in a simple dress with a cross hanging from her neck; the other was a nearly naked girl covered in scars and tattoos.
"England, you must give up that black magic! Consorting with demons and devils will damn your soul, but if you come with me I swear God will pardon you. All you need to do is repent."
"Don't listen to her! I let you summon Russia from half a world away; I provide the curses that you use to smite your enemies. With me at your side you can have power greater than you'd ever imagine! We can bring your empire back!"
Suddenly and axe flew from the corner where Valhalla was drinking with the Nordics. "Shut it Satanism! You give us pagans a bad name with your so-called dark magic!"
Two trembling Italians tried to dive under the table as a sallow youth with a three-tiered crown accosted them. Unfortunately for Italy, Catholicism grabbed the back of the northern brother's shirt and dragged him into a crushing embrace.
"Oh how I miss you! Rejoin me and help me bring the light of God to the lawless heathens that despoil our sacred world! Once we find Holy Roman Empire we can bring the light of God back to this unclean world; the wicked shall burn in the depths of Hell!" Catholicism stroked Italy's ahoge seductively as he spoke. The nation wriggled and turned bright red.
"Ve~ Germany, help me!"
But it was Romano, rather than Germany, who came to the rescue. The southern half of Italy pulled out a tomato and flung it in Catholicism's face. "Don't touch my brother you cross bastard!"
Catholicism dropped Italy in disgust and wiped tomato off his face. By the time he could see again both Italies had vanished into the air ducts that Sealand always used to sneak in. Frowning, Catholicism decided to go in search of France.
One corner of the meeting room was quickly filling with smoke. If anyone had bothered to look through the haze, they would have seen Netherlands and Rastafarian trading joints and munching on Doritos pilfered from America. But the pair went unnoticed. So did the smoke alarm they set off.
India was sitting on his elephant with Hindu, explaining the other countries to his religion friend. Once they got to America Hindu became quite offended.
"And he spends all his time eating nothing but cow?"
"More or less…"
"I… I lack words. Does he not realize the importance of the sacred cattle?"
"Hindu, my friend, America doesn't even realize he has a brother half of the time. He is an idiot of greatest magnitude."
"That does not excuse him!"
Atheism was surprisingly well behaved at first; usually the little punk spent all his time arguing with… well, just about everybody. For a while though he seemed content just to wander around comparing everyone's cell phones. That changed though, when the tug of war between the Anglican Church and Satanism became more severe.
"Flying Mint Bunny, help me! I'm going to be torn in half!"
"Flying Mint Bunny doesn't exist, Eyebrows!"
"She does to! She's my familiar!"
"Does not!"
"Does too!" The argument continued along those lines; England was too distracted by his other tormentors to formulate any better defenses for his friend's existence and Atheism wasn't bothering to try and prove that magic wasn't real because obviously, if he couldn't see it, it didn't exist.
Amish was fixing the conference table, which had been damaged during the last meeting by a three way fight between England, France and America. Unfortunately, the only sources of wood she had were the chairs. One by one nations lost their seats to the kind crafter's handiwork. The fabric covers of said seats, as well as several items of clothing discarded by France, she then made into a gigantic quilted tablecloth.
France had finally met his match in Zeus. Within five minutes of arriving the head of the Greek pantheon had groped Ukraine, stripped in front of Hungary and flirted with Liechtenstein enough to get shot by Switzerland. Twice. The ancient religion was currently using his shape-shifting powers to seduce Belarus using Russia's form. All parties were surprisingly okay with this; at least, until someone pointed out that it could result in Belarus giving birth to a magical, super-powered demigod.
America, whose cola-mint-bomb injuries were now healing, suddenly had his vision filled with a face sporting an enormous grin and perpetually gelled hair. The superpower groaned. He'd had to deal with this one almost as many times as Islam recently. Although at least this younger religion was less destructive.
"If you give me a hundred dollars I'll call the aliens and ask them to beam you out of this mess. Add an extra fifty and they'll even fix up your nose."
"Scientology, dude, my roommate's an alien. I know you don't have his cell number."
That was about the time they noticed someone had taken Russia's pipe. Moments later a wall collapsed. Ra, who now had plenty of concrete chunks to work with, proceeded to build a small pyramid right where the noon hour sun would intersect a fork in the building's plumbing. The pyramid was unnaturally smooth and perfectly formed for something built by hand out of misshapen bits of busted cement.
"Ve~ How do magnets work?" a curious Italy demanded of Mormon. The religion, who was quite sick of being asked this question by everyone he met, took a page out of England's book. He stuck Italy in a box and mailed him to Germany.
Prussia was running circles around the room from an enraged Ishtar, who had shown up riding a lion and arrayed with bronze daggers. Not that she had intended to use them mind, but then the ex-nation had tried to seize her vital regions. Since she was a goddess of love, sex and fertility some would say that Prussia's actions were only natural. However as a goddess of war she could never allow a man to defeat her even if he did so in pursuit of her other attributes. Two of her daggers had already tasted blood and Ishtar was determined to do more than just scratch Prussia next time.
"Get back here you wretched man, that I might send you to the halls of Ereshkigal! She has been waiting for your soul!"
"Nein! I am too awesome to die!"
Off in a corner, Canada was watching the chaos. No one had seen him and for once he was grateful. He didn't want to get dragged into the increased chaos that the religions brought. Although he did wish there was something he could do to stop it. No country had ever figured out how to do that though. The religions were even worse at gatherings than the nations.
Soon Voodoo had raised an army of zombie seagulls and Fate had several small nations convinced they were going to die horrible deaths. Existentialism was trying to convince everyone they were characters in a web comic; he was going through a geeky phase. Japan and Hungary had managed to gain some control over a pseudo-religion named Otaku, but that was almost as terrifying as having the little girl left to her own devices. To sum up: many things were broken, a lot of nations and religions were hurt or embarrassed, and many things were pink or steampunk that should not have been either. Canada wanted to cry.
He wasn't alone. After a few minutes Canada noticed a small religion sitting by a potted plant, a look of calculation on her face. Deciding she looked safe enough to approach, Canada crept over in hope of some (sane) company.
"Hello. I'm Canada."
"Oh. Hello," the girl replied absently. "I'm Witchcraft." Then as an afterthought, "Your brother doesn't like me very much. I never did anything to him though."
"I know." Canada noticed that Witchcraft was playing with her pentagram necklace with one hand and drawing something on the floor with the other. "Uh, what are you doing? If you don't mind me asking that is."
"Trying to figure out a spell to calm them down." Witchcraft sighed. "I've been trying for years, but I haven't one yet. But they don't try to burn me any more for casting, so that's a plus."
Canada had no reply for that, so instead he settled on asking what the religions were doing at the world conference. He must have inherited America's tactlessness for a moment though, because as he did, he added "I thought religion and politics weren't supposed to mix."
Witchcraft smiled at the northern nation. "We're not, and with good reason. But America and some Middle Eastern countries got us involved in their relations anyways, so we decided to show up and remind you what happens when you bring us into your business. You'd think you nations would remember the Crusades and things, sheesh!"
Chuckling, Canada moved in closer to the pretty religion. "So, are you like the religion version of me? Always forgotten and trying to clean up others' messes?"
She pursed her lips. "Often. But I can be like Switzerland to: I prefer to leave people in peace and help them if I can, regardless of faith or nationality; however, if you hurt someone I care about, I can be your worst nightmare. I don't like to do that though, not unless it's an emergency. What ye give so shall ye get, three times o'er lest ye forget."
Suddenly there was a great clang from across the room. It was followed by a pair of delighted, and somewhat maniacal, squeals.
"Ve!"
"Chigi!"
Witchcraft jumped to her feet and grabbed Canada's hand. "Come on! We have to see this; it's gonna be hilarious." She dragged the northern nation to his feet and across the chaos of the conference room.
"Eh? What is it?"
"Italy and Romano just met Pastafarian."
"Pastafarian?"
"Like Rastafarian except instead of smoking they wear spaghetti strainers on their heads and worship a giant pasta creature."
"Maple!"