For once what woke up John wasn't the feeling of having one of his girlfriend's cats stomp all over his face, nor the sudden appearance of a round, orange vegetable on top of his body. He heard a high pitched ringing noise coming from the other room, and he lazily opened his eyes and got up from the bed, his vision blurry. He took a look at Roxy, whose body was still motionless on the other side of the bed, and he slowly got up and approached the phone.
He pressed the "Answer" button and the television at the other side of the room came to life, the image of a tall, blonde man with dark shades appearing in his vision. President Dave Strider was looking directly at him from his seat in the oval office, his expression emotionless.
Dave: hello mr Anderson, how are you today?
John: Dave? What are you doing on my tv dude?
Dave: hey pick up the phone I can't hear you if you don't talk into it.
John: Oh, sorry.
The dark haired man put the speaker of his phone into his ear, still not understanding what was happening. Through the image in the screen he could see another person behind Dave, the not at all imposing shape of Vice President Karkat looking directly at John.
John: So why did you call me? And why are you on my tv?
Dave: that doesn't matter. wait the first part does matter, listen john I have an important task for you and your totally not babe girlfriend.
John: The "not babe" part wasn't really necessary Dave.
Dave: dude shut up I'm trying to give you some top secret information here. you think every single chump on DC has the pleasure of seeing my presidential face? do you think the electronic, patriotic eagles that make your tv work are gonna place their shit covered talons on every asshole's shoulders and deliver my godly demands?
He heard someone clearing their throat behind Dave, and before him appeared the grey, tired face of Karkat, his glowing yellow eyes looking at John the same way a cat looked at their owners after they didn't need them anymore. John suddenly had the thought that he had been living with cats for too long.
Karkat: IF I MAY INTERCEDE IN THIS "TOP SECRET" TRANSMISSION, I WOULD LIKE TO REMIND THE ULTIMATE RULER OF SHIT BLUE OVAL THAT HIS FACE IS CURRENTLY APPEARING ON EVERY TV SCREEN ON THE CITY. DAVE WANTED TO SEE YOU IN PERSON WHILE HE SPOKE TO YOU BUT WAS TOO LAZY TO SET UP A FUCKING SKYPE CALL. INTERMISSION OVER, PLEASE KEEP SPEAKING YOUR MAJESTY, SO YOU CAN CONFUSE THE ENTIRE WORLD WITH YOUR STUPIDITY.
Dave: thanks for ruining the magic Karkat.
Karkat: YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME.
John was about to respond when he heard steps coming from the bedroom. Roxy appeared in the other side of the door, dressed in a dark blue pajama and only half awake.
Roxy: hey babby is that Karkat I hear or is the crazy lady from next room killing another one of our cats?
John: It's Karkat, unfortunately.
Karkat: NICE TO SEE YOU TOO EGBERT, YOU GRUFLOAF EATING PISS STAIN.
Dave: everyone stfu, Im trying to tell you guys something before secret services cuts off my calls again.
John: Fine dude, what do you want? It's like 8 in the morning.
Roxy: and why are u on our tv?
Dave: our intelligence servers are informing us that they're getting some strange readings coming from the east. apparently there's some weird energy interfering with our electronic devices. long story short no one can watch tv anymore.
John: Then how are you speaking to us right now?
Roxy: no one uses tvs anymore Dave, we all watch netflix now.
Dave: I said shut the fuck up. anyway my personal intelligence department is telling me that it's probably some kind of magic user trying to open a portal between dimensions. I trust their judgement and I don't really feel like reading past the title of the report because I don't understand a fucking thing it says here, so I'll go with the magic thing.
Karkat: MAY I REMIND EVERYONE WATCHING THAT OUR INTELLIGENCE DEPARTMENT CONSISTS OF A BLIND PSYCOPATH AND A LITERAL MIX BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT'S ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BIRD SPRITE AND A WEIRD FUCKING CAT TROLL. THAT'S WHERE ALL YOUR TAXES GO BY THE WAY.
Dave: yes, thank you Karkat. what I'm trying to get at is that I need you two to run some recognizance in the place that these readings come from so that I can get the tv back on to distract people from how batshit crazy their government is.
John: That sounds fun but why are you asking us that? Don't you have people to do that for you?
Dave: yeah see I think I know who the person responsible for this is, and only you could talk her out of it. Or in case she doesn't want to cooperate because she's a dick then you have mom… I mean Roxy with you to beat the shit out of her.
Roxy: you gonna pay us?
Dave: I can pay you in shitty katanas and jpeg artefacts if that interests you.
Roxy: fuckin deal.
John: Dave hold on a second, you said the magic thingies were coming from the east. Do you know exactly where it is or are we gonna have to search the entire east coast of the U.S on foot?
Dave: yeah don't worry, I already told you we have the best intelligence in this particular room of the White House. Karkat, you wanna do the honors?
Karkat: RIGHT, THE REPORT. EHEM, IT SAYS HERE THAT "While attempts to create artificial apple juice have been fruitless so far, the presidential branch of science has been working by orders of the President to create a way to reassemble atoms in such a way to…"
Dave: wrong report, it's the one painted with red crayon.
Karkat: FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT SORRY. EHEM, IT SAYS HERE THAT "TH3 M4G1C 1S CL34RLY COM1NG FROM P3NSYLV4N1A D4V3 B3C4AUS3 TH4TS WH3RE SH3 L1V3S 4ND WHO TH3 FUCK 3LS3 WOULD B3 DO1NG TH1S YOU DOOF! NOW L34VE MY D3PARTM3NT 4LON3 AND L3T ME CONT1NU3 W1TH MY WORK 1N TH3 R3WORK OF YOUR R1D1CULOUS JUD1C4L SYST3M!"
Roxy: how are u makin your worbs sound like numbers like that.
Dave: thanks Karkat, you can go back to watching your rom-coms now.
Karkat: NO I CAN'T YOU FECULENT SHADED SPHINCTER BECAUSE THE TV IS STILL NOT WORKING.
Dave: right. anyway you two heard that right? she's somewhere in Pensylvania because my sister apparently has no fucking imagination. seriously, after this Im gonna havea talk with her because she's supposed to be the one aware about usual witch tropes.
John: No offense Dave but how are we gonna get there?
Dave: dude you're both fucking god tiers, you can fly.
Roxy: yeah but we don't know where pennysvalnia is.
Dave: fine, I'll let you borrow a helicopter but bring it back in one piece okay? I already broke like twelve this month.
Karkat: THE FLYING METAL SCREAMING BIRD IS ALREADY ON ITS WAY TOWARDS YOUR LOCATION. BE SURE TO GET ANY WEAPONS OR EQUIPMENT YOU MIGHT NEED SO YOU CAN ENGAGE THE WITCH. DON'T DIE, OR IF YOU DO TRY NOT TO DO IT WHILE DOING SOMETHING HEROIC YOU EARNEST PIECE OF SHIT.
John: Thanks for the kind words Karkat. I've missed you dude, let's get together to eat the four of us after this, okay?
Dave: sounds good, I'll tell my chefs to roast a couple eagles for a barbeque later.
Roxy: as long as their not cats I don't have a problem with seeing dead animals. later dave!
Dave: the helicopter should be there any second now. until then, now I have to practice my ill beats for the barbeque. President Dave out, bitches.
The image in the television disappeared, leaving only static where just before Dave's face was. John was about to say something when he heard the metallic rumble of the helicopter close to their apartment. In a hurry he grabbed his dice hammer and magically transformed into his god tier clothes. Roxy lazily did the same as she approached the window leading towards the balcony.
With a completely not badass expression they both jumped into the helicopter, ready to take on their fateful quest to save television.
One helicopter crash later they arrived in the outskirts of Pensylvannia.
They walked away from the flaming remains of the flying vehicle, their bodies covered in soot, and walked towards the location they were led to. After a couple of minutes of walking through the countryside they found the house of the witch. In a desolate, almost lifeless patch of grass stood a giant, worn out mansion that pretty much spelled out the word "gothic".
Roxy: yeah no one else would live in this shithole. we found the place.
Once in the door John slowly knocked, all his senses alert to any danger. After a couple seconds the door opened by itself, leading them towards a big open room. In front of them was a luxurious red carpet leading towards either various rooms or two wooden staircases that led towards the second floor.
Rose: I see you two have found your way to my humble abode. Welcome, friends.
Their sights went directly towards the second floor's balcony, where a dark figure now appeared. Hands gripping the wooden fences, a short, pale skinned blonde woman was looking directly at them, her piercing violet eyes exerting a powerful force around them. Rose was dressed in a black and purple dress, her godtier outfit nowhere in sight.
Rose: John and Roxy, what a pleasant surprise has made its way to my front door. Almost as pleasant as the appearance of dead animals brought by cats back when I lived with you, sister.
Roxy: yo why is everyone dissing my cats all the time? they're not that bad.
John: Hey there Rose, long time no see. How have you been?
Rose: I have been doing well, fortunately. Thanks for your concern John, all kidding aside it is nice to see you after so long. I would have preferred different circumstances for our reunion, but I guess a witch hunt will have to do for now.
Roxy: hey Rose if your not jazzed about this you can join is in the barbieque today at Dave's place.
John: Oh yeah that's true. Also hey nice place you got here. Kinda looks like the house in The Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy.
Rose: Thanks for the… awkwardly delivered compliment John, I appreciate it. And as for the lunch offer, I'm afraid I'll have to refuse. You see, I'm busy with some… special project I'm currently working on, if you don't mind.
Roxy: oh yeah about that. Dave wants you to stop it because its hurting tv.
Rose: Well, Dave wants a lot of thing doesn't he? After a while you learn to ignore his requests as to pursue your own happiness. As a developing witch, I assure you that my work will not be interrup…
John: Rose you're not a witch.
Rose: … Pardon me?
John: You're not a witch, you're a seer. Jade is the witch, remember?
Rose: Well… yes, you're technically correct, but when I say I'm a witch I'm referring to the more traditional definition of…
Roxy: yeah rose you cant just steal other peoples titles, even if yours sucks ass.
Rose: But… I am literally employing magic right now. I'm using my ethereal control over the forces of darkness to tear open a hole in our dimension and…
John: Still doesn't make you a witch. Sorry Rose but Jade still holds that title.
Rose: Jade has never used magic in her entire life. All her powers revolve around the energy of the Green Sun, unlike my total dominion over the majyyks that make up the fabric of reality.
Roxy: sorry rose we don't write the rules, skaia does.
Rose: Enough talk! My portal is almost complete, and once it's finally open I will be able to put my plan into motion, I will be able to…
?: Don't count on that you wicked witch!
The ceiling above them started collapsing as they heard a voice coming from up there. The wooden planks fell into the ground, covering the whole lobby into dust, as two figures appeared between John and Roxy and the dastardly witch. Once they could see what was happening they recognized both Dirk and Jake, wearing tight leather outfits and holding their respective weapons.
Jake: Special forces here! Golly we took a long time to arrive, sorry guys!
Dirk: The President sent us, and by his demands we were told to join in your quest to defeat the witch.
Rose: Well at least thank you for recognizing my title.
John: Hey guys, how's it going?
Roxy: hey fuckfaces, what are you doing here? I thought Dave wanted us to handle this.
Dirk: Dave sent us just in case. But we got tired of waiting in the ceiling for something to happen and Jake accidentally broke the roof and we fell here.
Jake: Darnit Dirk! At least try to paint me in a more gentle light when our friends are around!
Dirk: Sorry dude.
John: This is great! Now we can all go to Dave's barbeque after this is over. He really thought everything through.
Rose: I seriously doubt that John.
Roxy: nice outfits guys. did you come from a bondage session or something?
Jake: This is the official special forces unit uniform! I designed it myself.
The tall, tanned man turned around and showed off his black leather outfit, everyone's eyes focusing on a particular part of his physique. Dirk stood watching for a couple seconds, until he finally regained his composture.
Dirk: Ehem, as I was saying, now that we're here we'll take care of this. Let us defeat the witch, you two can stay back and watch.
Dirk and Jake positioned themselves in a battle formation, the blonde guy brandishing his unbreakable katana, while the attractive dark haired man took out both his pistols, smiling like a movie star. Above them Rose formed a quaint smile, dark energy pouring from her body into the form of shadow tentacles.
Roxy: eh, no sorry thats not happening.
Everyone turned around to look at Roxy, who had just interrupted the epic battle about to unfold.
Roxy: youre not gonna fight her, you never fight anyone.
Dirk: Excuse me?
Jake: Yeah what are you talking about Roxy? We're both men of action!
Roxy: yeah bullshit. Jake your not a movie star, youre just a dork with two toy guns. and you Dirk, you don't like to fight. you always say youre gonna kick some serious ass but you never do, its always Dave who picks up your shit.
Dirk: I… I do fight! I fought all those robots, and… and…
Roxy: all im saying is you suck at being a badass.
Dirk: But if we don't stop Rose then who will? Someone has to save television or some shit.
Roxy: don't worry bb I have your ass covered.
With a single swoop Roxy took the katana from Dirk's hands, accustoming herself once more with the legendary weapon. With a determined expression she turned towards Rose, a smile on her face.
Roxy: I dunked the condesce with this, I can take on rose.
Rose: Interesting. As you wish, if you want to fair against me with that puny weapon then so be it! Let's begin glorious battle!
John: Uh… Roxy, hummingbird, you gonna be okay?
Roxy: don't worry bunny, I'm gonna end this before you know it.
And with those words both sisters jumped towards each other, unbreakable metal clashing against the forces of darkness.
*Two minutes later*
The mansion was now devastated, pieces of cement, wood and ceramic covering the entire place, both staircases collapsed. In both extremes of the room were the bodies of the two combatants; Rose's magic had evaporated as her body was covered in small cuts, the battle leaving a huge toll in her body, while Roxy was in a similar state, her blade in the floor and her body unable to move.
Dirk: Wow that was the most epic shit I've ever seen.
Jake: I say! I'm so glad I was here to witness such a legendary battle!
Dirk: It would have been a shame if we'd missed it.
Jake: Yeah, I feel bad for anyone who did.
Dirk: Can you imagine a story where the author intentionally leaves out important details and goes for an easy ending? I'm glad we're not a part of that, what kind of story would that be?
Jake: Definitely not one I'd be a part of, my good pal!
John got sick of listening to those two ramble, and approached his girlfriend, trying to help her to her feet.
John: Are you okay Roxy? I mean I know we can't die but that must hurt pretty badly.
Roxy: hurts like the biggest, most expensive bitch. But im okay honey, dont worry.
Rose: Well, well… you have indeed become stronger, at least strong enough to defeat me. I congratulate you on your efforts, sister.
Roxy: hey rose cut the shit and close the fuckin portal already, were gonna be late for the barbeque.
Rose: I already told you, I can't do that.
John: Come on Rose, if you don't close that portal no one will be able to watch tv anymore!
Rose… Wait, what? Television? What are you talking about?
The witch looked at them bewildered, and John and Roxy stared at each other, confused. Did she not know about what was happening?
They were about to ask her when they all heard a ringing sound. Dirk looked in his incredibly tight pants and took out a small flip phone.
Dirk: Would you look at that, it's Dave.
He opened the phone and the voice of their friend came out, quite garbled.
Dave: hey guys, how are you doing? did you defeat Rose yet?
Dirk: Almost there bro, Roxy just finished handing her her own generous witchy ass.
Rose: Hey!
Dave: yeah about that. I just got done talking with Terezi and… well it turns out that…
The president's voice was replaced by another, much louder one.
Karkat: TURNS OUT THESE FUCKING IDIOTS WERE WRONG ABOUT THEIR REPORT. THE DARK PORTAL IS NOT CAUSING THE INTERFERENCE, IT WAS JUST JASPROSESPRITE FUCKING WITH THE ELECTRIC COMPANY. APPARENTLY SHE JUST WANTED ROSE TO GET IN CONTACT WITH HER FRIENDS MORE OR SOME DRAMATIC SHIT LIKE THAT.
Dirk: Oh… wow, what a dick.
Roxy: aww, she just wanted us to be together again! I'll go give her a hug when were back on DC.
Rose: God fucking dammit Dave! This is the third time you sent assasins after me! I already told you a million times, my magic can't interfere with your fucking technology!
Dave: yeah sorry about that Rose. but you kinda asked for it when you started doing all that cookoo voodoo shit over there in dark vampire land. what did you need that portal for anyway?
Rose: Well… we were conducting some… experiments with Kanaya, and I ended up sending her to another dimension. I was just trying to get her back when you sent everyone towards my home.
Dave: i told you you have to stop trying to do all that kinky magic shit with your girlfriend.
Rose: That wasn't what we were doing!
Dave: yeah right. anyway wanna come for some barbeque later? i already dropped some fire on the meat over here.
Karkat: HE LITERALLY SET A COW ON FIRE.
Rose: Sigh… Yeah, sure, I'll be there as soon as I get Kanaya back from another dimension.
Dave: cool, see you later then. President out bitches.
The room stood in silence as the call ended, everyone looking at each other without knowing what to do.
John: Sorry for trashing your house Rose. We thought you were trying to destroy the world or something.
Rose: Don't worry about it, it happens every couple months.
Roxy: yeah sis sorry for almost killing you.
Rose: I can't be mad after you did such a good job at it.
Dirk: So… are we all going to the barbeque or what?
Jake: Yeah, I think we should have a change of clothes if that's the case.
Roxy: please dont.
Rose: Yes, why not. Just wait for me outside, once I rescue Kanaya from the other dimension I can create a portal to DC so we can all enjoy some roasted meat.
John: We won't try to destroy that one, I promise.
And with that their quest of destiny ended, with a broken house on Rose's part and a promise of a delicious meal on the White House. On the following months Dave was kicked out of his job by the American populace, and Terezi took her place as President of the United States. Him and Karkat went to live with Roxy and John, where they lived happily ever after.