Warnings: Some semi-suicidal thoughts and overall angstiness.
Summary: A peek into Neji's diary reveals that he is not the emotionless bastard everyone thinks he is.
Disclaimer: Naruto and it's characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. I make no profit of writing this.
A/N: Just something angsty I came up with one day. To be honest, it's way too "teenagy" to my tastes... but hey, even Neji is a teenager. Sometimes when reading manga (Naruto or Bleach in particular) I can't help but remember how young these people are supposed to be.
But in any case, drop a comment and I will love you.
This Is My Destiny
I screwed up again.
You'd think I would have gotten used to the feeling of loss over all these years. I thought so myself. Still, the knowledge that this time it is real, this time you really are not coming back brings those hated tears up to my eyes once again.
I look for the apologize inside of me, rummaging through all the corners of my heart. Still, I cannot find it. I'm sorry merely for myself. Me, being my cold and aloof self, can't reach out for you or vocalize my feelings. How could I? I don't know them myself.
You are walking away.
"Neji! Neji!" Happy voice is calling. The silent figure turns around, lifting one of his elegant eyebrows questioningly.
Naruto finally catches him, bright blue eyes sparkling with excitement as always.
"Yes?"
A sudden blush. What has happened? The loudest person in the world has suddenly lost his ability to speak. For a moment, there is a possibility of temporary peace in Konoha.
"Would... would you..." he hesitates and stutters like Hinata. "Would you like to come and get some ramen with me? I don't have enough money to pay for us both, but it is really good! You will love it, I swear!"
He is very cute. Looking up at me, his smile suddenly grows almost too big to fit on his fox whiskered face. He has already seen my answer on my face, but I vocalize it anyway.
"I would love to."
I always knew it would happen some day. I have never been able to hold on to people, no matter how close. The others probably think that I don't care. Yet I do, but I have lost the ability to communicate it, if I ever even had one. All that is left of my deeper caring, my love so to say, are tear stains on my cheeks and an unspeakable feeling inside of my chest.
I guess I will never truly change.
"Naruto? Would you by any chance care to be my significant other?"
He doesn't allow his voice to waver. He is Hyuuga. He looks cold and distant, but inside his chest his heart is about to break away from it's bony cage.
He doesn't get an answer. Not a verbal one, at least.
A pair of strong arms wrap themselves around his neck and Neji almost falls over as Naruto flings his whole weight to him, laughing and... are those tears?
"That means you are my boyfriend? Right? Right? Yes! I knew I could get you with my irresistible charisma! Go go Naruto! DATTEBAYO!"
Neji held the laughing and sobbing blond against his chest, daring to comb the soft locks in his reach. All the people around them stared, but somehow Neji couldn't bring himself to care.
In one thing you were wrong. You said there is no such thing as destiny. Yet there is, and I feel it's hands closing around my throat once again. But I cannot complain, cause this pain is self inflicted. I am building this cage with my own hands. This is the road that I cannot sway away from.
My destiny.
I know your choice to leave me once and for all was the right one. I have nothing to offer for you, maybe nothing to offer for anyone. Ever. These thoughts are making my tears overflow. I cannot stop them. Maybe it's better this way, to cry it now, so I can face tomorrow with my head held high, with arrogance that is expected of me.
I have to keep going. Ending this all now would not only be stupid and reckless, it would be cowardice. Didn't you hate cowards? Not that it would matter anymore. I won't be seeing you again.
What to do now? How can I keep going forward?
"You big meanie!" Naruto pouts, trying for a hundredth time to get his posture right. The finer part of taijutsu had never been his field, since he was a man of large outlines. And strong punches.
"You are supposed to help me with this. That's what training together is for, isn't it?"
"It's better for you to do it yourself. Copying the work of others is a shortcut that leads to nothingness."
"Why? Does asking for help make me weak? Silly Hyuuga."
His words seem carefree, but in his voice there is no hints of laughter.
I know that already. Nothing will change. I will keep on living on my life, pretending not to see you. And at the same time I'm so very sorry for what has been lost.
Whatever you will decide to do in your life, I will give my best wishes. Even if you will never see these words, even if you never get to know I truly cared.
In this fairytale I am the evil beast. The cold hearted monster who hurts all of those who come close to me. I live only on he side of others, feeding myself with their life force.
And it's true. That's why I don't want to apologize. Doing that I would be lying to you, cause I cannot change myself. I wonder, would you have befriended me all those years ago, if you knew what kind of person I was?
I miss you.
"You don't really care, do you?"
They hadn't been more than few months together and already their relationship was in serious crisis.
"What do you mean?" For once there was something else than an emotionless stare in those eyes, but it might be too late.
"You don't care about anything or anyone. Nothing touches you. Where are your fucking emotions!?"
Neji wanted to say it wasn't true. That Naruto had gotten it wrong, that it was all act that he put up in order to be able to survive.
But was it really? Where does the act end and the personality start? Sometimes it was way too easy to not care. He said nothing.
Naruto raised his hands with frustration. "Fine, be that way! I guess this was it, then. Be on your merry Hyuuga way and get someone who is as emotionally retarded as you are. I'm sorry I wasted your precious time."
He stormed away way too quickly to see Neji batting his eyelids rapidly.
But we had fun, hadn't we? I regret nothing. And at the same time... everything.
I fee the loneliness already. It's like another person in this room with me, reminding me constantly of who I am. A bad person, that is what I am. I tried to tell you about it. I wonder, did you ever listen to me.
I hope you are not as hurt as I am. I know it's arrogant for me to think the fact of losing me would make you sad. Still... I hope you are a little bit sad. Just to the point when losing a friend. It would make me feel special.
I have dedication to not leave this world for a while. I won't kill myself. I won't.
If only repeating it would make it true. Make me strong enough to stand behind my words... but I fear I can't.
Naruto walked by, acting like he wasn't seeing the other. He talks to all the other people in the room, except for him. Has he finally become invisible? The young noble lifts his hand before his face, examining the outlines carefully. It seems like nothing in him has changed, at least physically.
Neji wants to demand Naruto's attention, and maybe that is just what the blond ninja is hoping for. That the other would show he cares.
The Hyuuga stays silent, as always. He wonders how long he can go on like this.
I wonder if that was all I have to say. It doesn't seem much, but I have no words inside of me anymore.
I guess I have to finally surrender. No amount of willpower will help, anyway.
This is my destiny.