Pointy End Up, Flat End Down: A Cautionary Tale
A Kerbal Space Program x Nichijou x Azumanga Daioh x iDOLMASTER Xenoglossia Fanfiction
Based on a true story
A gentle crisp air breezed through Tokyo Town. Ten thousand years had passed since the end of the Sundering, and humanity had finally recovered-ish from the not very nice stuff that happened which was mainly fire.
The school bell rang out through the streets surrounding Tokyo High School.
"Come on, Sakaki-san, class starts in three minutes and we don't want to be late!" An itty bitty teeny tiny girl with ginger hair yelled to a tall, mysterious girl wearing a grease stained vest and denim shorts.
"Yeah, like I could give two shits, you freaky little gremlin," replied Sakaki with a thick New Jersey accent.
"Okay. But you will never go to animal school if you act up like that." Chiyo sighed, crestfallen. Sometimes she wished she could go back to grade school, but her old school burned down during the Purge of a Thousand Moons, and the only school left in Tokyo Town was the high school. However, the pair of students managed to arrive at their destination safely, without any more explosions. They creaked open the classroom door and glided to their seats- however there was a fearsome looking Sensei obstructing the units' path!
"Why are you two so late? The bell rang five minutes ago!" shrieked Sensei, glaring at the latecomers from her desk.
"And why are you so bitchy? Seriously, go fuck yourself or something." Sakaki retorted. Sensei looked at a sheet of paper on her desk.
"Now class, today we will all extend a warm welcome to three new students who have moved here from a recently declared uninhabitable part of Japan. I expect all of you to treat them nicely, and not to make fun of their glasses/blue hair/profound mental disabilities," Sensei scanned the class with her gaze like a searchlight. "So, please introduce yourselves, newcomers!"
A tall girl with dark flowing hair and spectacles stood up.
"Mai." Mai rasped, tapped the side of her nose and winked out of the window.
"Hi… M'name's Mayo-chan… I have blue hair and I draw children's cartoons in my free time." Everyone in the class gave Mayo-chan a friendly wave.
"hello i'm yuuko and i like ice cream," said Yuuko.
Sensei smiled and the three girls sat back down. "Now then, let's see… Oh, that's right, today's afternoon class has been cancelled due to an important visit from the International Into Space Initiative. Everyone, to the gym where the meeting will take place!"
"Hi, I'm Gene Kerman, Chief Director of the International Into Space Initiative, or IISI. I'm here today to take people into space. Any questions?"
"Can we go into space?" Asked Sakaki, Chiyo, Osaka, Yomi, Tomo, Yuuko, Mai and Mayo-chan but NOT Kagura because she is annoying af.
"Yes," said Gene. "Come with me."
After a long flight to Cape Kerbal, the eight future astronauts sat down at IISI mission control. Gene gently placed an enormous folder onto the desk, and sat on his chair backwards like they do in 24.
"You have all been selected for your astounding skills to lead this mission. Your task is to land on Brion, a large rocky planet that we think may contain all of the conditions necessary to harbour life, and a potential colony. Your lander shuttle will then achieve orbit around Brion, rendezvous with the rest of the ship and fly home." Gene scratched his beard. "We have never done anything like this before so we don't really know what we're doing or how long this will take."
Yomi looked up at the clock on the wall. "How long would this mission take? I don't want to miss my entire high school education." Yomi inquired.
"Well… ahh… I dunno." Gene shrugged.
Tomo stood up, realising she had just figured out the answer. "Well, if you have ever seen a rocket they seem to fly pretty fucking fast if you ask me. I reckon we'll be back before dinner."
Gene beamed at the bright student. "Yes; that seems right to me! Now get on that rocket!"
"Hi!" Everyone cheered.
The spacecraft stood on the launchpad, rays of sunlight glistening off its sleek metallic hull. Clouds of water vapour gently rolled down the sides of the enormous boosters, which stood as high as any skyscraper the girls had ever seen. Launch was about an hour away; final preparations were being run and fuel was being loaded into the rocket.
"Isn't it just incredible? How far our understanding of the world has taken us to the point where we can travel to other worlds by lighting enormous tubes of explosives on fire…" Chiyo gazed in awe at the rocket.
"Big fucking deal, I've seen dicks bigger than this pile of crap." Sakaki shrugged, just as a green man wearing a lab coat approached the waiting astronauts.
"Ah, yes, very good to meet you. My name is Professor Wernher von Kerman, and I was the man who designed this beautiful piece of engineering right here. Oh, ah, I'm referring to the rocket, not the table or anything…" Werhner smiled and scratched the back of his head.
"So, this rocket is perfectly safe, then?" Osaka asked.
"I have never really done anything like this before and whenever I ride a rollercoaster I get really frightened and I fear for my life. Even the merry-go-round is too intense for me, so I guess I just try not to act dangerously like that." Osaka paused, deep in thought.
"Is inter-planetary space-travel anything like that, then?"
The professor chuckled and nervously glanced at his work, which was swaying in the breeze.
"Ah… well, um, let's just hope that there won't be any explosions this time around!"
The girls stared at the man in stunned silence. Wernher started to back pedal, and then broke out into a sprint away from them.
"Yeah, I don't have a great feeling about this." Mayo-chan anxiously sighed.
"T minus ten… nine… eight…"
The eight astronauts were strapped into their seats, pointing upwards towards the heavens. Yomi was checking the instruments of the cockpit while Chiyo started plotting a gravity turn into a low earth orbit. Tomo and Yuuko stared wall-eyed out of the cabin's window at the verdant meadows surrounding the launch facility.
"Seven… six… five… main booster ignition…"
The rocket began to sway and tremble uncontrollably- the girls felt pushed back into their seats as they let out a yelp.
"Three… two… launch tower separation… one… we have lift off!"
Slowly rising from the ground, independent of the huge clamps keeping it down, the spacecraft accelerated towards the heavens.
Mission control began to celebrate- the rocket had cleared the launch tower! No matter what would happen next, this launch was the most successful in recent times.
The acceleration of the rocket gave the impression of six times the force of gravity acting on the gallant crew. They were now ten thousand metres above sea level, and Yomi was starting to pitch the rocket at an angle to perform the most efficient burn into orbit. Gene's pixelated face appeared on a large screen in the cabin.
"Great job guys- please confirm separation of first stage."
"First stage separated, activating stage two thrusters now!" Tomo cried, menacingly pushing buttons at random.
The bottom half of the rocket decoupled to reveal the additional rocket engines to take the ship to orbit. With a push of a button, they burst into life, leaving the first stage to fall towards Earth. Yomi gave Tomo a high-five, and everyone clapped and cheered; for they were now in space!
"Stage two separated, and we are now in a stable orbit at 9,500 metres per second." Yomi wiped the sweat off her brow and reclined in her seat. Gene Kerman beamed at them through the monitor, and wished them luck in the next part of the journey.
"Chiyo, turn the craft prograde and ensure everyone is secure in their seats. It's time to get on outta here." Yomi called at her lieutenant.
"Aye, cap'n!" Chiyo jovially cried back. The rocket swivelled slightly over, pointing in the direction of its motion. Chiyo checked over everyone on board, and fastened Sakaki's seatbelt, who was sleeping in her chair unfastened.
Sakaki's eyes exploded open in fury just as Chiyo leaned over her.
"Hey what the fuck, you got a fucking problem?" She glared menacingly at Chiyo.
"Oh… I'm sorry, I just didn't want you to fly to the back of the ship and crack your head open when the rocket accelerates, you ungrateful whiny degenerate!" Chiyo sulked, and gave Sakaki the one finger salute.
"Stop arguing and buckle down! We are approaching the periapsis in ten seconds' time- hold onto you horses!" Yomi hollered. The nuclear motor erupted into life, propelling the rocket forward while using very little fuel. After some time, the ship was travelling fast enough to leave Earth's orbit and enter Brion's orbit. Everyone aboard the ship cheered and had lots of games and laughs before they decided to have a little nap.
Three hours later, a beeping sound alerted the crew and awoke all of them (bar Osaka) from their slumber.
"Brion encountered- current relative velocity 3,000 metres per second. Altitude: 300,000 kilometres. Sub-orbital trajectory- escape in twelve minutes." Rattled the computer generated voice.
"Chiyo, spin the ship around retrograde. We have to slow down to reach an orbit around Brion!" Yomi yelled as she clambered into her battle station.
The nuclear motor once again spewed out ultra-hot plasma, slowing the ship's approach dramatically.
"Stable orbital velocity achieved- kill the engine!" With a press of a button, the ship was now in orbit. A familiar face flickered onto the cabin screen.
"Glad to see you are all still in One Piece! Now, next we are going to detach the shuttle you are in from the rest of the spacecraft and land you on the surface of Brion. Have fun!"
"Oh mai gah…" Osaka gazed in awe out of the shuttle's window at the large, dark blue planet below them. The thick navy-blue glow of Brion's atmosphere blurred into space, and pale brown land was visible in small strips scattered across the immense oceans of the alien world.
The other crewmembers joined her in marvelling at what could be a new home for humanity.
"What the hell is that!?" Tomo shrieked, as a red glow began to overtake the view of Brion, covering up all of the windows.
"I think it's due to the friction of Brion's atmosphere… we are descending rapidly and our energy is being converted into heat." Yomi speculated.
"I hope Wernher was right when we said the rocket was safe. It's hot enough for red, so that must be very dangerous to a poorly constructed rocket." Osaka said, clearly distraught.
"No. You know what I think? Mm-hmm, this is absolutely fine. This is normal and wonderful and I like it. This is going to be a successful landing. Yes." Yuuko reassured the crew, giving them a cheerful thumbs up.
Wernher von Kerman sat at Mission Control in Cape Kerman, enjoying a mug of coffee and a Danish pastry. Gene strolled into the break room and waved at the rocket scientist.
"You've gotta come and see this! The lander is entering Brion's atmosphere and is a few moments away from safely landing!" Gene grinned at his colleague.
"Great news! I knew that my design would work brilliantly and…" Wernher von Kerman trailed off.
"Anything wrong?" Gene glanced at the scientist.
"CRAP!" Exclaimed Wernher as he leapt out of his chair. "I forgot to add the heat shields! THE HEAT SHIELDS!"
The lander shook and spun out of control.
"Yomi, we are losing power- our solar panels have blown off and our engine might be damaged!" Tomo wailed. Osaka and Mayo-chan hugged each other and cried in the corner of the vessel.
"We will pull this off, no matter what! Altitude now at 40,000 metres, but we are still gaining speed!" Yomi replied, steadfast in her piloting of the doomed vessel.
The shuttle was completely engulfed in a white hot fireball. The thin ceramic plating began to peel off as the steel rivets holding the ship together began to melt in the tremendous temperatures a few centimetres away from the girls inside. As the ship hurtled into the lower atmosphere, the air resistance was simply too much. The ship blew apart into thousands of scraps, hurtling outwards in every direction. At Cape Kerbingle, sensors went blank and screens turned to static. On that day, someone forgot to add ablating heat shields to an atmospheric lander.
Yomi slowly opened her eyes. The last thing she saw was the ship being torn open, and watching her friends get sucked out into the hellish fireball that was atmospheric drag. Was this the sweet embrace of death?
"Of course it's not, you bloody stupid twat." Sakaki nonchalantly said looking down at her. "This is the sweet embrace of a giant fucking robot!"
Yomi looked around herself to see herself and her friends being clasped in the hands of an enormous robot! The metallic construct flew back into space, determined to take the stranded astronauts home. The mech closed its hands around the mostly unconscious high-schoolers, protecting them from the harsh void of space.
The robot gently touched down at Cape Kirbun, and placed each of the girls on the ground where ambulances were waiting for them. Each of them was stable and would make a full recovery. Gene dashed out of mission control and gazed at the titanic mech.
"What the heck is this thing!?" he cried.
"I am Prometheus-2 Nebula." The robot boomed.
"Are… how… what!?" Gene asked, trembling at the sight of Nebula.
"I will now explain why I saved these girls, and show you my final form!" Nebula exclaimed, and began to bend down. Its head began to slowly unravel, revealing a small Canadian man clutching a carton of orange juice in one hand and a salt shaker in the other.
"Hey guys, how's it going, Kripparian here. Now, today I want to talk to you guys about heat shields, and more specifically just how good are they? And, well, as it turns out, they are pre-e-etty good. You see this?" Nebula held up a piece of debris from the explosion in its enormous robotic hand.
"This is what happens when you play too greedy and forget to add heat shields. It is very important that you always add plenty of heat shielding to atmospheric landers, even though it may mean that you take a slight tempo loss. Sure, it may not have as much value as radial heat dispersers, and to new players this may actually seem like a misplay, but in reality all good meta rockets run double heat shield in their deck.
So, what is the best way to use this great card? Well when you stick it to your lander's arse, make sure you enter an atmosphere POINTY END UP. To new players, this may seem like a misplay, because pointy stuff is very aerodynamic. However, this is a critical misplay which could cost you the game. Coming in pointy side up is the right play in every situation, as it makes your craft lose more energy due to greater air resistance, and it also allows heat to disperse quicker due to a larger area being exposed. And this is where Mr Heat Shield comes in- stick him on the blunt end and the heat won't damage your ship! It will get absorbed by the shield and you will survive your next turn. I recommend running two of them in case your first one gets owl'ed, but I've seen some faster decks running only one copy. And now I have some clips for you guys to check out, they are some really wild games and I hope you enjoy them. Thank you guys for watching, and I'll see you tomorrow."
The end.