A/N: What up people. Look this oneshot is a very personal one as many of you may know around this time last year actually by the time some of you read this it will have been a year. Anyway this story is my way of telling you all what's been going on with me. It maybe super short and sad but everything in it is true. In a way I hope it helps me and maybe helps others who maybe going through the same. There are feelings and thoughts I am still processing. Some of which I'll never understand

January 31st

David set the flowers on the four grave stones. Stopping at the most reacent one. "Hey mama. You know I really don't know what to say," he said his voice trimbling as he barely held in the tears in his eyes. "I thought when we lost Deanna I was done with this place for awhile," he said remembering his sister's sudden passing. "Then aunt Essie got worst and stubborn as she was she held on. But right before Thanksgiving 2014 we lost her," he said feeling full of saddness.

" It makes me wish I hadn't worked that last Thanksgiving or that Christmas," he said feeling full of remorse for not spending those holidays with his mother. "If I'd known that you'd be gone so fast," he said pausing as he fell into a ball of tears. " I still hear you calling for me that morning everytime I close my eyes," he said. "I remember it was four A.M, and I ran into your room. And I helped you to the bed and mama I was scared so I called the medics eventhough you didn't want me to cause you hadn't showered. Then I helped you into your clothes and when I was tryin to help get your clothes on you stopped breathing and kinda slumped over," he said his mind replaying the scene over.

"You know ma with Big Daddy you could tell me he didn't feel any pain cause I wasn't there at the hospital, the same with Tay, Deanna and Essie hell even Aunt Lainnie I could tell myself that. But you, you I can't cause I was there mama," he said his tears flowing like an unstopping river. "I was there on my knees in the dark after hearing you scream how your stomach hurt and how you couldn't breath then how you got quiet and slumped over. How at they worked on you for a half hour. How I sat in the corner praying for god to save you. How they asked me if I wanted them to keep trying. How when we got to the hospital they told me they couldn't start your heart back and how my last memory of you alive is you screaming in pain," he said his tears almost drowning him.

"You know the hospitals were real assholes. You know they called me three times trying to get my permission to harvest your organs. Can you belive that I mean you'd barely been gone five hours and they just kept asking over and over after I told them now. Then it was all the people your friends calling making sure I was eating. Why do people ask that anyway like eating would make me feel better. What's worst was people claiming to understand what was going on in my mind. I mean Keisha , Val, Terry Bib they all know what its like. They went through it when big daddy, grandma and aunt Lainnie died. But they all had sisters and brothers. Me I was alone," he said.

"But I pushed through it for as long I could till. Till your birthday that's what broke me," he said as he thought back to that day

Flashback May 25th 2015:

David sat on the toilet holding the disposible razor to his wrist tears bubbling in his eyes. He had it all planned he'd sent text messages and voicemails to his loved ones. Telling them thank you and saying in case anything happened to him that he loved them. But now as he held the razor to his wrist he couldn't make the first cut. Couldn't end it eventhough he wanted too.

"Dave, Dave you in here," Miley asked as she came into the house. Having gotten the cryptic text message.

"In here Mile," he called from the bathroom.

Miley ran to the cloest bathroom and saw her friend and brother sitting there razor in hand.

"Do it Mile cut me I can't do it. I just wanna be with my mom and my sister so do it if you love me do it," David said his tears flowing like an open faucet as he cried.

"Ok," Miley said taking the razor from her friend and setting it on the sink. "Come with me," she said.

David and Miley sat in the livingroom saying nothing for a long time. Before Miley finally asked, "Why do you want to die?"

"I don't know. I just know I wanted to be with my mom on her birthday," David said still crying.

"You know that's selfish right," Miley said bluntly.

"Yeah," David said

"Then why do it you know you'd be hurting everybody not just you right," Charlie said getting a tearful nod from David. "Then why do it cause you know that's not gonna let you see your mom."

"I feel like I can't do this anymore and I'm so angry at God. I mean why did god need to take aunt Lainnie someone who opened her home and raised other people. "Why would god take Tay away from her three little girls. Why'd god take Deanna and Essie and Mama and let rapist terroist, and pedophiles live!," David said in anger and saddness that he knew would never truly leave him.

"Dave your mom and aunts were sick and had been for awhile," Miley said trying to ease her friend's suffering. "As for Tay and Deanna I don't know why. But I know neither of them would want you to kill yourself because its not your time. Its just not your time"

"I just keep thinking that maybe if that day she was sick I'd made her go to the ER or take her meds that day. Or had just been a better son all together she'd still be here," David said blaming himself for his mother's bad health. He'd always thought of himself as a bad child and that his younger sister was better than him.

"You know that your mother didn't think of you like that, and you couldn't make her do what she didn't want to she was a grown woman," Miley said, "I also know she wouldn't want you to sad on her birthday now come on." she said getting up and walking to the door.

"Where we going," David asked following her.

"You'll see," she said.

The two of them walked inside and got into Miley's car and made quick drive to a dollar store. Once inside they went to the section where they kept the party balloons. "What was your mom's favorite colors?," Miley asked.

David thought for a second and answerd, "Brown and orange."

The two quickly found balloons happy birthday balloons that had the diesired colors in them. They then drove to a near by park and walked to a quiet spot. David said a few tear filled words and they released the balloons.

End Of Flashback:

"That helped for a bit mama. But there are times that I feel so alone and empty that I want to curl up and die. Then there's the dreams the same ones I had after Deanna died the ones that you're alive and the day you died and the funeral were all just a bad dream and it makes me feel like I'm nuts and that god is torturing me with what I can't have. Other times I wonder what it would be like to just walk infornt of a bus. And I keep asking the same questions like if God isn't like man and he's perfect. Then why do preachers say he's a jealous. And if it's his will that I live or die why would it matter if I tried to kill myself. That's why I need you mama to help me understand. There is a giant hole in me and a pain in my chest that won't go away. I've tried feeling it with sex, food, friends and even drinking. But nothing helps nothing fills it. Hell my writing doesn't work anymore. And mama part of me is angry at you cause all my life you said when you and aunt Essie were gone all I'd have was Deanna. I don't have her I'm alone. Ya'll left here in pain alone. My two best friends and you left me. Why couldn't you fight to stay here with me like I would've for you. I don't even want a wife and kids anymore because they'll have roots no grandma no aunts or uncles. Hell I don't even want a funeral when I die cause I know no one will be there when I die." he said.

"But mama I know you're in heaven and Deanna and your mama and Big Daddy and Aunt Lainnie and Aunt Essie and Tay are up there too. And ya'll are watching over me and I'm gonna do my best to try and make ya'll proud of me. All I ask is that ya'll save me a place up there just don't have it ready too soon. Ok I love you mama talk to you later"

The End

A/N: Like I said super short but I had to get all this out. I planned an ending where I'd look back and see the angelic forms of my family. But That doesn't happen in real life and I wanted this to be real. I know that SDR seems confident and often happy. But David Armond Brown the person behind SDR isn't. This was that person talking. Yes I've tried to commit suicide and there are times I honestly don't care If I live or die. Part of me blames myself for her death. I know in my head it was out of my control but my heart tells me different. Also part of me wishes I could've been a better son eventhough I know she loved me regardless. But I soilder on and fight. Cause that's what my mother the only person I loved more than myself would do. My mom loved me and would want me to carry on and I will.